i really need advice

[daktarishine]

so i joined this site about a week ago and the info has rocked my world and turned it upside down..i am a female sexual married to a male asexual (i am 98% sure).hes so much happier since i stopped asking crying begging threatening  he seems even more relaxed.but i think he may have read my journal because today hes told me hes been in therapy and he feels we are not okay and now hes vulnerable to porn...erm after 9 months youre vulnerable? ive been on porn 3x a week minimum and that when am really holding back..he says ive rejected him..context for this is that ive grown to hate kisses because they lead to nothing.but today ive decided i wont resist them anymore because i dont want him hurt.  the usual 'i love and desire you so much and am so happy when we make love so i dont know whats happening" then am left feeling guilty like its my fault then nothing is initiated unless i do and the cycle continues...i didnt tell him that i think hes asexual because the day i say it i want to say it with love emphasising that theres nothing wrong with him...i am so randy lately its all i think about....damn..so my question are 2.first have any of you sexuals reached a point where you love your spouse but dont want sex with them? am there because to get it takes so much out of me...also i can tell hes not into it... second how do i tell him that hes asexual how have you guys done it like practically....today he said twice 'if we make it' i cant imagine a divorce.i married for life...this is a nightmare.not a life i chose.thanks for taking your time to read and/or comment.

[Telecaster68]

1. Yes, to the 'has anyone gone off sex with their asexual spouse'. Pretty much everyone, at some point, because who wants to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with them?

 

2. Telling people stuff like that generally doesn't work. Asking thought provoking questions and pointing him at AVEN or other materials and seeing what he concludes is better.

 

Two other practical things - it's more than possible he has no idea how deeply you're missing sex, because asexuals just don't get it, generally. However it's easy for them to feel like sexual partners are on the attack and pointing out their inadequacies, and they just close down. Sometimes putting this in writing, so you can frame it lovingly, and he can read it at his own leisure, and hopefully not feel so attacked, is a better route.

 

And finally, therapy, preferably for you as a couple. Not to 'heal' him, which won't happen because there's nothing to heal, but to help you communicate and maybe reach a workable compromise. Nobody owes anyone else sex, but people in a relationship do owe each other communication, and at times of crisis, communication between you can get screwed up. If he won't go to therapy, get individual therapy for yourself. You'll need it. 

[Scottthespy]

Welcome to Aven, have some customary 🍰.

 

This sounds like a tough situation, and I can't give advice from a sexual point of view, but I can offer you some things to consider.

 

You can't tell your husband that he's asexual, that's something he has to decide for himself. There's actually a LOT of other things it could be...he could be sexual but have strong fetishes he's embarrassed by or worried about, he could have a subconscious feeling that sex in general is shameful which makes it hard for him to get into it, he could have some sort of trauma or medical condition that interferes with his ability to perform, he could even just have a really low libido. It would be kind of rude to tell him how HE feels about something. Instead, you could ask him if this sounds right to him. Show him this site maybe, tell him about what you've learned about asexuality, ask him if it sounds like what he's got going on. Have an open and honest conversation about what this means to you and to him and to your relationship. Don't push your ideas on him, but do be willing to explain in a non-accusatory way how you feel about sex and intimacy, and ask him to share how he feels.

 

If he does turn out to be asexual, or just having a low libido, you can discuss what to do about that. Look for things the both of you can do to feel fulfilled, ways you can both be comfortable and happy with the intimacy and affection you share with each other. Maybe he'd be interested in messing around with toys instead of intercourse, maybe there's a fetish he'd be interested in trying. I've heard some couples mention that having an agreed upon loose schedule helps them, because then they both know how much to look forward to, and they both know its an amount they can be comfortable with. Edit: There are also plenty of things like cuddling and cloud watching and picknicks in the park that you can do to show and strengthen your emotional intimacy, which is just as if not more important than sexual intimacy. 

 

Above all, the most important thing in any relationship, no matter what, is open and honest communication. Don't hide your feelings for his sake, and encourage him not to hide his for your sake. But then don't get MAD about the things he brings up...knowing about a problem is the first step to solving it, so look at these conversations not as arguments, but as opportunities to figure out how to build a happier relationship together. I wish you the best of luck.

[daktarishine]

Thanks so much both of you.... So much insight... Thank you

@Scottthespy from the asexual stuff I've read here he fits to a T.  And we've been to therapy. But am clearer on how to address this.. 

[MrDane]

1. Yeah, I tried waiting and just being ‘nice me’ and give her space, love, affirmation and all the time with a hidden agenda about “how it could fly in on her radar”. Never did. So we started on schedules in stead. Realizing that longlasting love making session with mutual enthustiasts participation and excitement is farfetched.

 

2. Being asexual is not just one thing, and being put in a category, where everything doesnt fit is not very nice. For me/us it hasnt reached a stop yet. We occasionally talk about it, but not that much, since that is also frustrating.  (A lot for her)

I call her asexual in here. In real life, she is just ‘not that interested’ or ‘needs her private space’.

I dont call her asexual. just call her ‘honey!’