dazzawolf Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Hi there! I'm new to this and I'm very confused about my sexuality. I apologise if things get confusing, or if this is too long! I've identified as bisexual for ~3 years now (and thought I might be for longer than that) but I have watched a couple of videos on asexuality and I'm starting to wonder if I'm asexual/demisexual. I'm also confused about the ace spectrum. I feel like by definition I could be demisexual but does that mean I'm asexual? Or is that separate from asexuality? I've been with my partner for 5 years and they are my first serious relationship and also first sexual partner. I had sex with them because it felt like I was supposed to, with the media and other people doing it etc. I wouldn't say I was excited for it, it was more like "Hey I guess we're doing this now. You're my first, congrats!" For the start of our relationship I was into sex (I guess because they were my "first" and everything was new to me? Also teenager = hormones) but it gradually "faded" away as I went into my 20's. I thought it was psychological: I struggle with depression and take medication for it), but after removing stressors and potential triggers I still found it difficult/painful and was disinterested in having sex. And then I thought it was physical. I started to have pain during sex but I've been on birth control for a few months and that seemed to help? But even when being physically able to have sex I've been told by my partner that I don't seek it and they usually initiate more than I do. But here's what confuses me. I want to give my partner sex when they initiate it because it pleases me and pleases them. They enjoy sex, I don't mind having sex, and I enjoy the feeling of orgasm. It's just something I kind of forget about until they bring it up or want to have sex. I find them attractive and I don't want to upset them with our sexual history, their performance, or make them feel like they're not physically attractive. When I think of other people such as celebrities I find attractive, I enjoy it until I think about them sexually then I'm sort of put off, even in masturbation. In hypothetical scenarios I wouldn't really want to seek casual sexual relationships or make sex a goal in a relationship. I'm not sure if over the years I've become asexual, or demisexual. I'm just super confused right now but I'd appreciate advice/reassurance/knowledge! Thanks! 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AceyMacey Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 First off, welcome to AVEN! It's customary to give new members cake, so enjoy! Anyway, it sounds like you're biromantic asexual. Also, a lot of asexuals are sex-neutral or sex-positive. The only thing that makes asexuality is sexual attraction, which it sounds like you dont have, making you asexual. However, actual enjoyment of sex is a separate thing. Hope this helps! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Does sex enhance or diminish your relationship (for you personally, not partner)? A sexual will typically answer enhance, an asexual diminish. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
danvers Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 2 hours ago, dazzawolf said: I'm also confused about the ace spectrum. I feel like by definition I could be demisexual but does that mean I'm asexual? Or is that separate from asexuality? Ace identities can be kind of confusing, because sometimes asexuality is used as an umbrella term for anyone who experiences sexual attraction less than average, and sometimes asexuality is used as a stand-alone identity term. Demisexual falls under the ace umbrella and refers to people who experience sexual attraction only to people with whom they already have a close emotional bond. Asexual as a stand-alone identity, not an umbrella term, refers to people who never experience sexual attraction, so it would be different from demisexual. Like @AceyMacey said, it sounds to me like you are asexual. I would define sexual attraction as the desire to have sex with a specific person for the sake of having sex with them, not for another reason like to satisfy your libido/sex drive or to please your partner. Based on your post, you tend to have sex for reasons other than sexual attraction, and since asexuality is about attraction, you could still be ace. You can also be both bi and ace if you experience romantic attraction to same and different genders but don't experience sexual attraction. I'm biromantic asexual! That said, you know yourself best. Use whatever labels feel right for you! I hope this helps!🎂🍰🎂🍰 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dazzawolf Posted December 11, 2018 Author Share Posted December 11, 2018 Hi! Thank you all for your replies, and cake!! Biromantic asexual seems accurate! After some thought I feel like sex neither enhances or diminishes our relationship. I find that it's not really the most important thing and I don't feel significantly better or worse after sex. It's just a thing or activity to do I suppose, but it's something I have to prepare for which could maybe be a diminishing factor since it takes some mental and physical prepping to get to the point I want to, for my partner. I thought about demisexuality a little bit more too and it seems to fit but for the most part I think I am asexual. I will still be exploring and researching, and observing how I think and act, but understanding the labels really helps me a lot! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 Welcome to AVEN! I agree with the others that you sound Asexual. An Asexual can enjoy sex and want to please their partners, but they won't experience Sexual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone. An Asexual can also find people attractive, as there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction. You might find this post helpful if you haven't read it already, Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 59 minutes ago, dazzawolf said: it's something I have to prepare for which could maybe be a diminishing factor since it takes some mental and physical prepping to get to the point I want to, for my partner This and other stuff you wrote sound a lot like my partner, who also dated men and women and thought he was bi. I'm unsure what definitions go with sex indifferent/positive but it sounds like sex itself isn't an innate/emotional desire for you -- if you can physically enjoy it but you need to prepare for it -- but you experience romantic attraction, and you're okay with having sex because it makes a partner happy. IMHO I think sometimes people say "Demi" when they are ace but willing to have sex to make a partner happy, provided it's someone they love. But love being "a cause for willingness" isn't the same as love being "the trigger for desire". 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tunes Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 Yeah, it's not that asexuals all automatically hate sex. It just means that they do not feel attracted for themselves. A demisexual is a type of grey-sexual, which basically means that you sometimes feel sexual attraction (thus are not asexual) but you don't feel it nearly as often as other people or only under certain circumstances (like only being attracted to fictional characters or only feeling sexual attraction as long as the feeling is not returned - as soon as the other person also is interested in sex, you just lose all interest - stuff like that, so sort of sexual, but not really). But to be asexual, you an never experience sexual attraction. Some asexuals (aversed asexuals) are distinctly against the idea of having sex - it grosses them out. Like if you didn't like pumpkin pie and it was offered to you and you responded, "Eww, gross; get that thing away from me". Some asexuals (neutral) don't like sex but don't hate it either. They would generally rather avoid it, but might be persuaded to do it anyway - to have kids or to please their partner; they just don't inherently enjoy it. So that's like if the person offered you pumpkin pie, you politely refused, and then they said that they really needed to get rid of all this pie and they are giving a dollar to anyone who eats it, and you don't hate it, so you might decide to take it even though you don't really like it. And then there are asexuals (sex friendly, I think they are called?) who do actually enjoy having sex - it feels good when they do it, but they never actually want it and would not mind if they went through their entire life never doing it again. That's like if you were just fine and content, didn't want anything to munch on, but you do like pumpkin pie, so when someone came up with some, you said, "I never would have thought of that myself, but sure, it sounds pretty good right now". But what all asexuals have in common is that they never think to initiate; they just aren't interested. Even if they enjoy it when they do it, it still never interests them. It's this lack of inherent interest that sets an asexual apart. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Fluffy Femme Guy Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 You do sound like an ace of some sort. 'Sex neutral' or 'sex indifferent' is what you appear to be from your description. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dazzawolf Posted December 18, 2018 Author Share Posted December 18, 2018 (edited) Hi all, Thank you once again for your responses. I feel excited, confused and upset all at the same time since I've tried talking about this to my partner. I'm beginning to question my sexual attraction with them, thus making me think about demisexuality (still a lot of reflecting on my part for this one, especially with interest, desire and initiating sex). However for now, I want to ask, is it okay or sort of appropriating to call yourself asexual/ace if you're demisexual? If I do identify as demisexual then does that mean I'm a gray-asexual? Can you be sex-neutral/indifferent and be demisexual? EDIT: (I'm overwhelmed right now so I just thought of adding this question) I *might* be demisexual BUT I wouldn't mind not having sex forever, since I have previously went on for months without sex with my partner and wasn't really too bothered by it. Does that still fall under demisexual or asexuality? Thank you!!! Edited December 18, 2018 by dazzawolf addition 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted December 19, 2018 Share Posted December 19, 2018 On 12/18/2018 at 1:03 PM, dazzawolf said: However for now, I want to ask, is it okay or sort of appropriating to call yourself asexual/ace if you're demisexual? It's fine. On 12/18/2018 at 1:03 PM, dazzawolf said: If I do identify as demisexual then does that mean I'm a gray-asexual? They have slightly different definitions, so I'd say no. On 12/18/2018 at 1:03 PM, dazzawolf said: Can you be sex-neutral/indifferent and be demisexual? I don't know. On 12/18/2018 at 1:03 PM, dazzawolf said: EDIT: (I'm overwhelmed right now so I just thought of adding this question) I *might* be demisexual BUT I wouldn't mind not having sex forever, since I have previously went on for months without sex with my partner and wasn't really too bothered by it. Does that still fall under demisexual or asexuality? Thank you!!! I'd say that sounds more Asexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted December 19, 2018 Share Posted December 19, 2018 I think of demisexual as meaning "really slow to warm up", but then they become sexual under those circumstances & desire sex with that partner, in the way that other sexuals do. So they'd probably miss it... that sort of thing. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted December 19, 2018 Share Posted December 19, 2018 23 hours ago, dazzawolf said: If I do identify as demisexual then does that mean I'm a gray-asexual? Yes: demisexuality is a kind of gray-asexuality. 23 hours ago, dazzawolf said: Can you be sex-neutral/indifferent and be demisexual? I think yes. I can't find the statistics right now, but they were from two ace censuses and outlined attitudes towards having sex (favourable / indifferent / averse or repulsed) by groups: asexuals sensu stricto, demis and grays. Predictably, demis are more likely to be sex-favourable, but not so few identified as sex-indifferent and there was even a small percentage of sex-averse demis. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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