Demi-Alterous??

[ThatLonelyBookworm]

Hello, fellow aces/supporters..

So, I have known for quite a while now that I am ace and aro.

I know I don't feel romantic attraction, and I know I never really make connections with anyone (even platonically) until I know them.

But sometimes when I do get to know someone, I make connections that I feel are much stronger than what normal friends do, but nothing lovey-dovey or romantic like that.

I've been considering the possibility of being demi-alterous, but I'm a little reluctant. Can any other alterous people tell me what their experiences have been like with alterous feelings?

It's a little hard to explain how it feels, but I first thought of it when I realized how I tended to prefer certain characters in like books and tv shows and stuff, but only when i got like several seasons deep did I realize how much i liked them, and i know some people get celebrity crushes and character crushes and stuff, but i never wanted to like kiss them or marry them or anything, i never felt romantic. It just felt.... i dunno, like a nice balance of feelings, but no need to have it returned or anything. Like admiration on some unknown level, i don't know. It's hard to explain. This is getting long, so I'm just gonna stop here, what are your experiences with alterous feelings like? Is my bad description kinda accurate? Thanks a lot! 💜💜💜

[Smol Fox]

Bialterous aroace here! This post is long I'm so sorry lol. Sounds like you could be demialterous, but only you would know for sure. Alterous attraction is defined as neither (or not entirely) platonic nor romantic attraction. Some people use it simply when they're not comfortable with them terms platonic and romantic for whatever reason. 

 

In my experience it's an emotional attraction. I'm attracted to a person's self, as in their mind, soul, and intrinsic nature. I feel a desire to be near them, but not to touch them, neither sexually nor sensually. I like to hear what's on their mind and to engage intellectually and creatively with them. I'd like my "queeralterous" partner(s) to not be involved in dating, but I don't want to date or marry them. Allos had me convinced that this was because of jealousy, but I later realized that I was romance-repulsed and that I just have more in common with aromantics.

 

Emotional attraction is often thought to be an inherent component of platonic or romantic attraction, but it can be present (or absent) in many types of attraction and relationships. As for distinguishing these attractions.... I just know. It's natural. By some instinct or whatever I know that my attraction is alterous. That and because nothing else describes it.

 

I don't experience platonic or romantic attraction, although I have been in both types of relationships. I usually start with no attraction at all, which develops directly (albeit very gradually) into alterous attraction. In some cases my alterous attraction stems from aesthetic attraction. I only experience the feeling after having well known a person, but I've never considered myself demialterous. Demis experience attraction after a bond is established, but the emotional bond is my attraction, if that makes sense. So I find it odd to identify as demi when no bond proceeds it. Though I guess I could if I wanted to.

 

It's up to the individual. If you experience alterous attraction, I'm sure you will know. Though it's just as likely to have doubts, so, uh, yeah, orientation is weird lol. If you feel unsure then you don't have to choose a label right away, you'll find yourself eventually. Sorry for the long post, hope I could help some 😄

[wonderflonium]

For me, I use alterous to describe how I feel when I'm bonded to someone in a way that feels different from platonic. There's a difference in the feeling - not in power, but in the nature of that bond that almost tips it over into romantic, but it's not quite really that either. There's usually a very strong platonic connection, but there's like this extra little subset of feelings that are a bit other - so it feels untrue to say "I love him like a brother" - because there's something a little different about the feeling - even if that kind of devoted love fits how I feel. But I also wouldn't describe it as romantic - because it's not really that either. it feels nebulous, and hard to describe. 

I've felt both pure platonic and mild romantic attraction to people. With women, I feel very strong bonds of platonic friendship. With men, I either feel strong platonic, or it can start as platonic or mildly romantic - but it then tend to either become platonic, or then shifts to alterous. I haven't ever found a situation where I am strongly romantically attracted to a person - it always feels like trying to hold water in my hands. I used to think that my alterous attraction WAS romantic - and then I was confused about why I seemed reluctant to change to a romantic relationship with that person. Because the romantic portion of my alterous attraction feels nebulous, while still caring about that person a great deal, it often left me feeling like a fish out of water in a romantic relationship.

I'm still figuring all this out - but understanding how I bond with people has helped.

[Belladonna23]

Holy...holy shit?! (Pardon my language) This is like peeling back a curtain after spending a good long while in a stuffy, dusty room like an antisocial vampire, what?! Alterous attraction is a thing? I always wondered why I felt weird naming my feelings, since I'd experience too many of said feelings for fictional characters or some select people, just an intense sense of wanting to be close to/get to know someone, something like adoration and excitement, and while it felt more heightened than my platonic feelings for some people, at the same time I could never call them romantic?

 

I've never really felt anything like romantic attraction for another person, and if I really thought I liked someone, like thought it was a crush, I'd get squicky at the thought of touching, or being with them sexually or romantically? But I'd like hugs if I could trust them? I figured out just recently that I'm a hetero ace/aro, but I knew something was missing cause these feelings are so confusing, but holy crap! Mystery solved! There's actually an orientation/name for this, and now I don't feel so incredibly weird, or like my aro identity is false, because it isn't, there's just another layer to it. Thank you, strangers of the internet, for speaking about this! This has affected me for so long, in writing and reading, and interacting with other people and now I can finally identify it, and I can know that there's not something broken inside me. I mean, I know I'm rambling here, and I probably haven't typed a single coherent sentence, but I thought I'd just leave my gratitude and appreciation 

[ThatLonelyBookworm]

On 5/14/2019 at 10:19 PM, Belladonna23 said:

Holy...holy shit?! (Pardon my language) This is like peeling back a curtain after spending a good long while in a stuffy, dusty room like an antisocial vampire, what?! Alterous attraction is a thing? I always wondered why I felt weird naming my feelings, since I'd experience too many of said feelings for fictional characters or some select people, just an intense sense of wanting to be close to/get to know someone, something like adoration and excitement, and while it felt more heightened than my platonic feelings for some people, at the same time I could never call them romantic?

 

I've never really felt anything like romantic attraction for another person, and if I really thought I liked someone, like thought it was a crush, I'd get squicky at the thought of touching, or being with them sexually or romantically? But I'd like hugs if I could trust them? I figured out just recently that I'm a hetero ace/aro, but I knew something was missing cause these feelings are so confusing, but holy crap! Mystery solved! There's actually an orientation/name for this, and now I don't feel so incredibly weird, or like my aro identity is false, because it isn't, there's just another layer to it. Thank you, strangers of the internet, for speaking about this! This has affected me for so long, in writing and reading, and interacting with other people and now I can finally identify it, and I can know that there's not something broken inside me. I mean, I know I'm rambling here, and I probably haven't typed a single coherent sentence, but I thought I'd just leave my gratitude and appreciation 

So happy to have helped someone!!!!!!!

I felt the same way when I found out about alterous attraction. It's definitely my favorite!!! My siblings tried to convince me for years I had crushes on fictional characters, but I didn't want to date them or kiss them or marry them or anything even similar to that, but that didn't mean I couldn't care about people or admire them. For me, I figured out, alterous attraction is usually a sort of very strong admiration, and also beauty to some extent but not in the way you'd think. It's like people's faces become more beautiful the more I learn about their personalities and what makes them special. So in a way, for me, is IT the beauty on the inside that counts. Kindness is the most beautiful thing in the world to me, and kind people become sort of beautiful in my eyes, but it doesn't make me want to date them or touch them. 

 

I have felt sensual attraction, wanting to touch someone without it being sexual, like hugging and cuddling but I almost view it as entirely seperate from alterous relationships. The one alterous relationship I've had was both alterous and sensual, so maybe it's different when I know the person but at the same time I didn't really admire or look at them the same way I'd look at certain fictional characters. It felt more like a strong emotional bond. Not to say they were ugly or anything, but I didn't feel the same spark even though I had alterous feelings for them. To be fair, they weren't really very nice. But they listened to me, and I guess it felt good being heard and I wanted to keep talking to them. 

[TheQuietGirlinClass]

Sorry for this long post but i identify as demi alterous and im not sure if this helps or if maybe my example is even alterous but ive had this happen twice to me now in my life. The first time around was in high school, my middle school bff and i had made a new friend n we all clicked pretty well. After a few months of talking n getting to know each other we started hanging out more often, sleepovers and all. It wasnt until maybe i think a couple years went by that i started to develop these slight feelings towards my new friend. I wanted to be around her all the time, typical of friends but I felt a flutter in my stomach, my heart raced and i felt a strong emotional desire to be with her without wanting to kiss her or grab on her. My feelings were somewhere in the confusing area of not completely platonic/not completely romantic, like am i experiencing a crush on her? I thought to myself, "maybe im into girls? Maybe im bi?" But id never felt a romantic or sexual attraction to girls before? I mean id had a crush on a boy but even then i never felt anything deeply romantic towards him that i felt i had to go out of my way to tell him "hey i think i kinda sort of maybe like you as more than a friend but i dont really want to kiss you or even hold your hand or anything? I just really have a strong emotional desire to want to be around you and be your only exclusive friend?" Thats way too confusing lol especially for middle school.

My last year of high school i met a boy i actually wanted to kiss but it wasnt until the end of the school year that i actually realized oh wow i think i like this boy as more than just a friend n im not repulsed by the thought of physical intimacy with him. Anyway, we're married now lol, but flash forward now years later and i met another friend through work n right off the bat i thought she was funny and i wanted to be friends. Months went by and we became pretty close. I met her boyfriend and her dad. A year went by and i started to feel the strong emotional attraction i felt before. I wanted to be with her 24/7 and laugh and talk and hug and just hang out and we ended up moving in together and my heart would race and my stomach fluttered and it felt like a crush but i didnt want to kiss her or touch her in that way. It was so confusing for me. Here i am...being married to my husband of ten years, being jealous of her bf for being able to be so close to my friend, wanting to possessively spend all my time with her but not wanting to establish a romantic connection with her? I kinda left it at "maybe im totally squishing on her?" and i felt so guilty towards my husband for feeling this way about my friend when i wasnt even sure what i was feeling towards her. We ended up kinda hanging out less and less, and eventually her and her bf moved out on their own and theres this slight pining of wanting to be so emotionally close and missing being able to cuddle on the couch watching anime and talk about anything. It hurts my heart that shes out of my life like this but it was exhausting trying to sort myself out everyday. It wasnt a sexual attraction but it was somewhere weirdly in between platonic and romantic i guess. Not sure if it helped but this was my experience.