Fighting to continue long term relationship with asexual

[Glensmiths]

Hey everyone, i would be extremely grateful for you input on my dilemma.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. We are very happy with each other in all aspects and could easily get married and live together forever - however sex is my only concern.

 

  Over the years she’s become more negative towards having sex, making up every excuse possible. During sex she is not engaged at all and I sometimes catch her looking around the room as if she is distracting herself or just waiting for it to be over. I feel like she just lays there waiting for me to finish so not to cause arguments. She never initiates sex and has told me she could go without ever having sex again. I know she loves me and she says she’s attracted to me - but sex doesn’t interest her.

 

Is there anything we can do to try and get her to be more engaged in sex and actually want to be there as opposed to having one sided sex. 

 

I really want this relationship to work but cannot continue to have sex with someone who tries to avoid it and when she does engage doesn’t want to be there.

 

is it possible she will change with therapy or other resources? Money is not an issue as I would spend any amount to change our sexual situation.

 

Thanks for your comments.

[NickyTannock]

@Glensmiths Welcome to AVEN!

 

Unfortunately, you can't change someone's sexual orientation.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

[Glensmiths]

Thanks for the cake! 

 

Yeah I had a feeling this would be the answer. 

 

i genuinely love her and would never consider an open relationship as i feel sex bonds a couple so having sex outside my relationship will only be detrimental. Nor do I want to end it, but saying that I would struggle to continue to be in a relationship without a sexually mutual aspect.

[ryn2]

25 minutes ago, Glensmiths said:

is it possible she will change with therapy or other resources? Money is not an issue as I would spend any amount to change our sexual situation.

Have you spoken with her about why she reacts to sex this way?  If she is truly asexual, as Michael said, there isn’t going to be anything you can do.  Over time she may even get less interested.  On the other hand, if there’s another cause, it might be something that could be addressed/improved.

[Guest]

If she's really fine being happy with not having sex ever again... Sounds like she doesn't desire it... Making it possibly asexual. But, only she can have a say on her orientation. 

 

Therapist/Psychologist only ever will act and help out if things are affecting your functioning/impacting your life. Being ok, with not having sex ever. Isn't something to fix. Because there's nothing to fix. Even the DSM-5 states this about asexuality.

 

You can't change a person. Trying to change your girlfriend... well I think you know where that will lead to. Think about it. If your girlfriend tried to change the fundamentals, of you. 

 

As an asexual person myself... I cannot place myself in your shoes, and see how important sex is to a relationship. Because my views on this are probably way different than yours. And in the context of a long-term relationship. Unimportant.  

 

For all I can say, I'm sorry that you have to go through this... It's a hard thing to deal with for sure. Just realize, that it's not about you. 

 

 

[Glensmiths]

Thanks for the cake! 

 

Yeah I had a feeling this would be the answer. 

 

I genuinely love her and would never consider an open relationship as i feel sex bonds a couple so having sex outside my relationship will only be detrimental. Nor do I want to end it, but saying that I would struggle to continue to be in a relationship without a sexually mutual aspect.

 

— — —

 

we have spoken about it and although she hasn’t confirmed she’s asexual - she has no sexual desire which means I have to make all the advances and when she agrees to sex she isn’t present or engaged. 

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Glensmiths said:

i feel sex bonds a couple

This is something that isn’t true for asexuals....

[anisotrophic]

3 hours ago, ryn2 said:

This is something that isn’t true for asexuals....

That said, it's a reason to worry, for the sexual...

 

@Glensmiths I don't think this is a relationship you should commit to continuing with for the rest of your life. Definitely not in its current form.

 

I think the compatibility matters more than you may think because sex is likely to be an emotional thing for you, but not for your partner -- the asymmetry is very hard to live with indefinitely. It seems both partners have to be very empathic and communicative and committed to making it work, and even then it's uncertain. Very difficult. Especially if/when you become attracted to someone else, which is very likely to happen, as years wear on.

[Guest]

If she isnt into sex, unlikely to change. So you are left deciding if this is enough for you. Doesnt sound like it is. And if she is that bored with sex, it may become harder for her to do as time goes on. 

[Sally]

4 hours ago, Serran said:

If she isnt into sex, unlikely to change. So you are left deciding if this is enough for you. Doesnt sound like it is. And if she is that bored with sex, it may become harder for her to do as time goes on. 

Yes.  I went from being bored with sex for years to being really irritated and finally disgusted.  That happens when you do something that you don't really want to do.  

[Glensmiths]

She has never admitted to being asexual , she is very confused as she says she sometimes wants to engage in sexual activities (perhaps once a month) but even then she doesn’t appear to be enjoying herself - I feel it’s more to please me. 

 

Presumably there are different levels of asexuality? As she enjoys orgasms via oral but says she feels wrong doing me?

[Telecaster68]

16 minutes ago, Glensmiths said:

As she enjoys orgasms via oral but says she feels wrong doing me?

Actual asexuals will probably be able to explain this better, but from a sexual's point of view, this kind of thing is confusing as f***. My best understanding it is this...

 

Asexuals don't necessarily not enjoy sex; they just don't see it as something that has to involve anyone else. Some don't mind a partner being involved, especially if the partner gets something from it, but the sharing/intimacy part isn't happening for them. They're just masturbating and essentially, the partner is a human dildo, but it's a lucky coincidence from the asexual's point of view.

 

Thing is, they get no innate pleasure from involving anyone else, and it can be that over time it becomes borderline too much hassle to bother with anyone else and they just don't want to have to have sex with anyone at all

 

So in your situation, I'd speculate that she's okay with receiving oral because to her, it's purely physical, like masturbation, but she just doesn't have to do anything herself and may well not be thinking about you, or anyone else, but just enjoying the physical sensations like one would a professional massage. On the other hand, giving oral means she can't mentally cut herself off from someone else being involved - you - for obviously physical reasons. And being asexual, she's not keen on it.

 

Sadly this plays out as essentially being a somewhat selfish lover, which is something you'll have to discuss.

[Sally]

On the other thing, there are asexuals who do not enjoy having sex with another person because they just don't like the feelings, physical or emotional, but their partners do.  These asexuals don't want anything "done" to  them; they will do things "to" others, but don't experience it in a collaborational way.  And always, it must be quick, not a sexual's dream of a long romantic f*ck.  If you don't like something but you feel you must engage in it for the sake of another person, you'd rather it be very speedy.  You may call that selfish, but it's basically a survival strategy for the asexual.  

[Telecaster68]

3 minutes ago, Sally said:

You may call that selfish, but it's basically a survival strategy for the asexual.  

I was being careful to say it plays out as being a selfish lover in that particular scenario, in the sense that the OP's partner is fine with her rocks being got off for her, but unwilling to reciprocate. Whatever the reasons, this is selfish in the same sense that perpetually allowing people to buy you drinks when you never have enough money to buy them a drink is selfish. The reasons why don't matter. If you can't give as good as you get, you should stop accepting what you're getting. 

 

Obviously humans are complicated and OP may be getting a lot from giving, and his partner may be relieved if he stopped wanting it; but having been on the (non) receiving end of someone who saw sex as essentially masturbating using someone else (me) with no thought of reciprocation, it gets old, in the same way I imagine having sex when you'd just as rather not gets old.

[ryn2]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

the OP's partner is fine with her rocks being got off for her, but unwilling to reciprocate.

It may be that, or she may think it is a compromise activity they both enjoy.  Saying yes to things she can tolerate, especially things where she doesn’t have to fake all her enthusiasm, may seem preferable to saying no to everything.

[Telecaster68]

7 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

It may be that, or she may think it is a compromise activity they both enjoy.  Saying yes to things she can tolerate, especially things where she doesn’t have to fake all her enthusiasm, may seem preferable to saying no to everything.

Okay. She can accept someone getting her rocks off for her rather than actively enjoying it. Apart from that, my point stands, I think.

 

And honestly, I can't see how letting someone make you orgasm is a huge sacrifice.

[ryn2]

31 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

And honestly, I can't see how letting someone make you orgasm is a huge sacrifice.

Well, it is if you intensely dislike them doing it.  Picture someone of the wrong gender (afaik you are not bi) who is unappealing to you aesthetically and has poor technique.  If you retreat into yourself and think of something else you can almost pretend you’re alone.

 

In that case it would be a relief to know that your partner doesn’t want it either, right?  But that’s not the message.   The message is “we need to have sex more.”

[anisotrophic]

She might not understand the distinction between romantic and sexual attraction.

 

It sounds like she has no sexual attraction (to you at least, but if she's asexual then it means she's never felt it -- which can make it very hard to realize, it's a bit like muddling through life colorblind and not knowing about colorblindness).

 

I'd recommend encouraging her to separate the notions of romantic and sexual attraction, and think about what sex means to her. And talk about what it means to you --with an expectation that it doesn't mean that to her.

 

If you're unable to fully engage romantically without sex, she needs to hear that.

 

If she wants to work out how to give you what you need (because there is an emotional component for you), with sex, you can explore what works for both of you. That's going to be very individual. It likely takes a lot of openness and explicit conversations about the experience, especially desires (for the sexual) and willingness (for the asexual).

 

She might not. She might realize this isn't something she can keep doing for you. Or she might decide she could do more, if she has some new understanding about how important it is for you.

 

Whatever happens, if she's asexual, that can't be changed, and working through the implications of that is likely to take a lot of time.

[Telecaster68]

32 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Well, it is if you intensely dislike them doing it.  Picture someone of the wrong gender (afaik you are not bi) who is unappealing to you aesthetically and has poor technique.  If you retreat into yourself and think of something else you can almost pretend you’re alone.

 

In that case it would be a relief to know that your partner doesn’t want it either, right?  But that’s not the message.   The message is “we need to have sex more.”

Fair point. 

 

But the OP says his partner enjoys being brought to orgasm, in this particular case. So it's not a sacrifice from what we know. 

 

I know this goes against AVEN's dominant narrative of selfless tortured asexuals, but that's what seems to be happening. 

[ryn2]

10 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

But the OP says his partner enjoys being brought to orgasm, in this particular case. So it's not a sacrifice from what we know.

Based on other parts of the discussion I am surmising this is OP’s perspective, not his partner’s.

[Telecaster68]

Clearly its his perspective but it seems presumptuous to base a whole line of reasoning on assuming he's wrong. 

[ryn2]

5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Clearly its his perspective but it seems presumptuous to base a whole line of reasoning on assuming he's wrong. 

I was just suggesting possible explanations, as were you.  It’s possible she is a pillow princess.  It’s possible she’s trying to provide what little sex she can bear in hopes of not being pressured for more.  It’s possible we are both wrong.

[Telecaster68]

With the happy coincidence that she enjoys the one selfless concession she's prepared to make for his benefit... 

 

Forgive my cynicism. 

 

 

[ryn2]

6 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

With the happy coincidence that she enjoys the one selfless concession she's prepared to make for his benefit... 

 

Forgive my cynicism. 

 

 

As someone else pointed out above, it’s sometimes (not always) easiest to tolerate the things where you can just lie back and go to your happy place.

 

What we don’t know is why OP thinks she enjoys it.  Is it because she orgasms?  Seems to genuinely like it?  Says she loves it?  Asks for it?  Do they have honest discussions around sex?

 

I don’t think one explanation is “better” than the other, or more optimistic.  They’re just different.

[Telecaster68]

20 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

it’s sometimes (not always) easiest to tolerate the things where you can just lie back and go to your happy place

That's the selfish bit though. It's easiest for her, not for him. She gets to go to her happy place. He at best gets to work his way to his 'I can talk myself out of this being entirely shit' place. 

[ryn2]

Well, I guess that’s the question - which is more selfish, to refuse all sex or to agree to some sex but not deliver it to the desired level?  That’s something the couple needs to discuss and (attempt to) agree on.

[Telecaster68]

Or.... can she find a way to help him to his happy place? Because from the posts on here, it sounds like she's not very bothered about even trying.

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Or.... can she find a way to help him to his happy place? Because from the posts on here, it sounds like she's not very bothered about even trying.

She’s already said (based on the posts here) she feels wrong doing that.

 

That leaves “both sides stop” and “keep going as is.”

 

If she’s only conceding because she thinks it’s a workable compromise she’d likely be pleased to have it stop as well.

[Physically Starved]

Glensmiths, i am not certified or qualified for any advice and reply only as this resonates with my life. 

If the goal is to change something about someone you love, do you truely love and accept them?

With that being said i feel ALL of us understand the emotional capacity a sexual relationship can have wether we appreciate it, desire it, repect it or are repulsed by it. 

My experience was/is similar to yours. 

While my partners sexual appetite withered and died their contempt of all sexuality grew. A defining  part of my creation,gender, identity and inspiration has been forced into neglect. For many years this has taken a toll on my inspiration and self esteem. 

What would be the point in counseling? Is it the hopes of brainwashing a change in your partner or having someone with a piece of paper validate your desire for a sexual relationship? Or is it for your partners well being and personal growth? In the end is having a onesided intimate realtionship with an unenthusiastic partner any better on your self esteem. If you are unable to accept someones oreintation do you love them?

I myself am lost. After many years of sexual neglect, denial, trying to distract myself, trying to ignore my fire, trying to put the fire out. i know i would spend every cent i have to go back in time to have my youth, desire and inspiration back and find someone that sees, acknowledges, respects, celebrates, reciprocates, desires my sexuality and speaks the same language of intimacy and physicallity. 

In the end only i am to blame, i gave up apart of me to support somene who didnt respect, accept, appreciate or acknowledge all of me. 

[Telecaster68]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

She’s already said (based on the posts here) she feels wrong doing that.

That was specifically giving oral. There are other things.