Age and sexuality

[AlexTheUnsure]

Age and sexuality poll.....

[Guest]

I was 100% asexual-seeming up until I was 28, and I know there are quite a few women around that age here who quite unexpectedly discovered their innate sexuality when they initially thought they were ace. Not saying a young person can't know for sure (or course they can) but sometimes only time can tell!!

[Norellia]

I think that identifying at a later age is better, this is because asexuality is the lack of something instead of attraction presenting itself, so it can be harder to figure out. I think that people who identify at 12-14 as asexual might be to young to know for sure. With that said it's not like I would discredit someone of that age for identifying as asexual or tell them they have to have sex/or be in a relationship they do not feel comfortable with. I do worry though that if someone that young identifies as asexual it may create a self fulfilling prophecy where they then become afraid or reluctant to being in relationships because they feel a need to stick to the asexual label. That may be a bit controversial to say though lol. 

[NickyTannock]

I realised that I'm Asexual in my early teens, around 14.

[Guest]

I think that it's possible to know that you're asexual from a young age. If you can do that with being gay, why wouldn't that be possible with being ace? 

 

I did, though I didn't know what to call myself at the time. Lots of people called me different things, tho - shy, a late bloomer, an introvert, etc. Even though some of those are true, I wouldn't classify myself as a "late bloomer". I started puberty at nine, and I was more mature than most of my peers, even at a very young age. I couldn't help it that I didn't develop sexual feelings while the kids around me did. That's not a sign of immaturity; seems more like a sign of asexuality to me. And gag me with a spoon if one more person tells me that I just haven't "found" the right person yet. Not sure how you're supposed to tell who's "the one" when your ace... 😑

[4108bn]

I think that that's a very difficult question to answer and pinpoint. Speaking in terms of age often neglects the variety of experience that people experience. I'm sure some people can identify as ace and be correct as young as they hear about sex for the first time. For many, it takes much longer. There are so many factors and so many experiences that go into all of it that having a set age or time frame can't be accurate for all people, and likely isn't for most (especially for non-straight people).

[ThatLonelyBookworm]

If you've been through puberty and you know how you grow, 

You.Can.Be.Ace. 

I'm done with this "You're too young to know" stuff, because no person in their right mind today would say that being gay is "just a phase." 

It all depends on the person, but trust the person to know who they are. 

Me, I started needing bras when I was 8, I have body hair everywhere, I had my period when I was 10, I know when my hormones kicked in. 

I can positively say that I know myself, and I know who I am. I am asexual, I am aromantic. And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Sorry for the rant, I just really needed to get that off my chest. Of course some people might not know until they're older, but it's not impossible to know young. 

Trust yourself, and let others trust themselves. 💜 And if you're not sure, experiment. 🙂🤗 Be you, judge you by you, not by other people's experiences.

[R_1]

It depends on how well you know yourself.

 

If we're talking general attraction, I'll say that I have always been attracted to other females. Even when I was 4-5.

[Homer]

Moved to Questions About Asexuality

Homer

Moderator Welcome Lounge

[Anthracite_Impreza]

@Norellia said everything I was going to.

[Olive Oil]

I think that when you feel comfortable in your understanding, of your sexuality or lack-there-of, then you can go with it if your comfortable. Then of corse you can change it if it dosnt feel right. As a fifteen (15) year old, I feel that I am asexual and  identify as ace but I still don’t feel confident enough to really put it out there to my friends and family untill I’m sure  

 

[everywhere and nowhere]

On 12/9/2018 at 6:38 AM, Norellia said:

I do worry though that if someone that young identifies as asexual it may create a self fulfilling prophecy where they then become afraid or reluctant to being in relationships because they feel a need to stick to the asexual label. That may be a bit controversial to say though lol. 

To be honest, I do have an issue with that kind of statements - don't take it personally, though, your version is balanced, unlike the "don't tell kids to identify as asexual!" kind of anti-ace rhetoric. The way I see it, it's like a person would lose something of great value just by identifying as asexual. People who spread that kind of rhetoric seemingly care so much about people who could misidentify as asexual - but nobody cares about us, about how lost actual asexual people could be if the knowledge about asexuality continued being "hidden" from us. Nobody cares about asexuals who - just by not realising that their feelings are just as valid as feelings of allosexual people - may be pushed into situations they are not comfortable with. Of course, lots of aces will never be persuaded to "just try sex" even if they have no idea that asexuality exists - but some may. And I deeply believe that having unwanted sex is much worse than, for example, waiting longer than one would want to.

[MrDane]

Many youngsters swivel from one extreme to another while in puberty. They can have a strange mix of being extreme wise of the world matters, very idealistic on certain areas, and still ,on other topics, have a hard time seing beyond themselves. There is a good reason to first let them vote when they are 18 and be economically independent at 24, as some european countries do. 

 

When you have met quite a few marxists, vegans, buddhists, satanist, lesbians, vikings, who all find middle ground later on and lay off the militant approach, then you know that puberty is not the best time to make lifelasting decisions. 

 

What I say is: a child may feel sure and be rigth, but they could also be wrong.

[Philip027]

You can identify as asexual once you're old enough to understand what sexual orientations are.

 

I only learned about sex about 14, which was enough for me to know I was "asexual" (other than not actually having a name for the term until a decade later).  Had I learned about it much earlier like most people, it's quite possible I would have known much earlier too.

 

I have a very keen sense of knowing what I want and don't want, though, which it seems like not everyone is blessed with.

 

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I do worry though that if someone that young identifies as asexual it may create a self fulfilling prophecy where they then become afraid or reluctant to being in relationships because they feel a need to stick to the asexual label. That may be a bit controversial to say though lol.  

As pointed out, this is a lot less prevalent, and a lot less potentially harmful, than someone who actually doesn't want sex nevertheless pushing themselves to have it because society has convinced them they should.

 

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When you have met quite a few marxists, vegans, buddhists, satanist, lesbians, vikings, who all find middle ground later on and lay off the militant approach, then you know that puberty is not the best time to make lifelasting decisions. 

The thing is, the orientation you identify as is never meant to be a "lifelasting decision", it's the best guess of what you are with the information you have at the given time.

[R_1]

47 minutes ago, MrDane said:

What I say is: a child may feel sure and be rigth, but they could also be wrong.

And so could adults... Your point? And in some cases, shifts does happen by itself. 

[Sweet Potato]

I figure anyone who has at least started puberty can identify their sexuality.  If you understand sexual orientations, and you understand your own feelings you are old enough to label your orientation. 

 

[uhtred]

I don't see a cutoff, but rather a probability curve. I think as people age, in genera, their sexuality, or lack of same, becomes more solid. I think a 10-year old's sexuality is not well formed at all and has a high chance of changing, whereas a 30 year old is unlikely to change (though it can happen). 

 

In my case I was in my early 20s before my sexuality seemed settled. 

 

 

[Guest]

3 hours ago, uhtred said:

In my case I was in my early 20s before my sexuality seemed settled. 

Yep! This is really common.

 

It seems mostly to be solely on AVEN that people get really upset by the suggestion that a 13 year old might not know their exact sexuality, but people just don't understand how much it can change over time as you experiment more and get more life experience etc. And yes the same does go for plenty of people who think they're straight during their teens only to find they're actually gay, and people who think they're gay (I know so many girls especially who have been there) only to find out in their 20s they're straight.

 

It's almost taboo on AVEN to say 'actually, it's 100% possible to think you're certain of your sexuality at 14 only to find out in your 20s that actually, you just hadn't met the right person yet' or whatever. But yeah, that's just life. *shrug* It shouldn't be considered wrong or judgmental or close-minded to merely point it out but damn, some people can be really snappy about it  

[Telecaster68]

15 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

It's almost taboo on AVEN to say 'actually, it's 100% possible to think you're certain of your sexuality at 14 only to find out in your 20s that actually, you just hadn't met the right person yet' or whatever.

Because most posters are nearer 14 than 30, and nobody likes someone else pointing out they might be wrong... 

 

I've never seen anyone on AVEN say '... and you must fight the urge to be asexual because it comes from the devil', or anything like that. Just 'keep an open mind for a few years'.

[NickyTannock]

2 hours ago, Ficto. said:

Yep! This is really common.

 

It seems mostly to be solely on AVEN that people get really upset by the suggestion that a 13 year old might not know their exact sexuality, but people just don't understand how much it can change over time as you experiment more and get more life experience etc. And yes the same does go for plenty of people who think they're straight during their teens only to find they're actually gay, and people who think they're gay (I know so many girls especially who have been there) only to find out in their 20s they're straight.

 

It's almost taboo on AVEN to say 'actually, it's 100% possible to think you're certain of your sexuality at 14 only to find out in your 20s that actually, you just hadn't met the right person yet' or whatever. But yeah, that's just life. *shrug* It shouldn't be considered wrong or judgmental or close-minded to merely point it out but damn, some people can be really snappy about it  

I haven't seen people act like that here, so that comes as some surprise to me.
When I come across a thread from a new member where they ask if they're too young to know if they're Asexual, I always tell them after welcoming them that I realised I'm Asexual at around 14, but I include the caveat that their feelings could change in the future.
I haven't had anyone object to my inclusion of that caveat yet, and usually, others who reply to those threads also include it.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

53 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

I haven't seen people act like that here, so that comes as some surprise to me.

I have, some people get ludicrously defensive about it. We're literally just saying keep an open mind but you'd think we were shooting their dog. In the face.

 

I'm 25; I still add a caveat it's possible I'm sexual, but that evidence so far is lacking. The younger you are the more likely it is you will discover things about yourself, that's literally all we're saying. Even when I was 16 I was 100% certain I'd never be one of those who gets all soppy around their SO. I was 100% wrong.

[R_1]

There's also the caveat that just because you were in this state of being doesn't mean that your new state of being invalidates who you were in the past. It almost as if it sound like some people love to invalidate shifts and decide to simplify it as every one is born that way, and even if you were sexual once in your lifetime, you are not asexual to make things easier to understand. Practically, it does, but reality says otherwise.

[Philip027]

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It's almost taboo on AVEN to say 'actually, it's 100% possible to think you're certain of your sexuality at 14 only to find out in your 20s that actually, you just hadn't met the right person yet' or whatever. But yeah, that's just life. *shrug* It shouldn't be considered wrong or judgmental or close-minded to merely point it out but damn, some people can be really snappy about it

People get "snappy" about it because it's the exact same sort of thing the disbelievers in their lives say to try to invalidate them.  Even if you're not being a disbeliever, you're still sounding like one.

 

People come here for a refuge from that sort of thing, not to encounter more of the same.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

1 minute ago, Philip027 said:

People get "snappy" about it because it's the exact same sort of thing the disbelievers in their lives say to try to invalidate them.  Even if you're not being a disbeliever, you're still sounding like one.

 

People come here for a refuge from that sort of thing, not to encounter more of the same.

If someone asks for an opinion I don't think just saying "yep you're 100% ace!", regardless of the situation, is a good thing. If they don't ask an opinion I keep my doubts to myself.

[Philip027]

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If someone asks for an opinion I don't think just saying "yep you're 100% ace!", regardless of the situation, is a good thing.

Why's that?  What's wrong if they are?  Surely you're not insinuating something's bad about being ace?

[Anthracite_Impreza]

33 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Why's that?  What's wrong if they are?  Surely you're not insinuating something's bad about being ace?

Because in the label-generation people can get so attached to 'their' label they can become genuinely traumatised by being wrong. Exercising a 'you may be, you may not be' common sense approach can save these issues before they start. You'll find it's almost always the young who go from ace -> cupio/grey/flux, so they can retain an 'a-spec' identity. The older tend to go straight from ace -> sexual.

[MrDane]

16 hours ago, R_1 said:

And so could adults... Your point? And in some cases, shifts does happen by itself. 

My point is, that puberty is a time for great inner turmoil. I would then recommend waiting before they get the permanent tatoo, as it may not fit a few days later. 

...and if you go ask a ten year old boy, he could easily hate girls and love other boys. I call that a homosexual phase, not being gay. Though the difference is hard to see. He could turn out to be gay, which is fine. But lets not call him gay, until he is actually settled in his sexuality. Until then, he is just a boy, who really likes boys. 

 

I am not sure, that the shift can happen by itself, unless in the younger years. I would say, that you can gradually change your approach towards the world. Slowly slide, so to speak. But I do not think, you can become asexual/gay/whatever by itself, but instead by slowly accepting what was all ready a part of you. 

[R_1]

8 minutes ago, MrDane said:

I am not sure, that the shift can happen by itself, unless in the younger years. I would say, that you can gradually change your approach towards the world. Slowly slide, so to speak. But I do not think, you can become asexual/gay/whatever by itself, but instead by slowly accepting what was all ready a part of you. 

Some Lisa Diamonds studies (and some references in her studies as well as other authors that investigate fluid sexuality. She's just the most prominent one and a stronger supporter of LGBTQ+ while being against conversion therapy), studies on brain trauma effect on sexuality all points that sexuality does shift by itself to some people rather than a increase in an understanding and there's absolutely no evidence to support that sexual orientation is immune to changes of brain structure and chemistry. Posts like this just lead to some people being super uncomfortable with potential changes after being so comfortable and find that their previous identity is undeniably who they are.

[MrDane]

16 hours ago, Sweet Potato said:

I figure anyone who has at least started puberty can identify their sexuality.  If you understand sexual orientations, and you understand your own feelings you are old enough to label your orientation. 

 

...but many people on Aven say, that they just did what “society” expected of them and what they thougth themselves they wanted, but then occasionally found out, what was the reason for their issue with sex, why it was awkward or didnt work fine. And it wasnt because of all the other stuff, that they werent fine and dandy with sex. It was because of their asexuality. And quite a few say, that when they realised, then they kind of knew, that was the reason all along. As suddenly things matched  in their history.

 

Yes, you dont understand your sexual orientation, unless you understand your own feelings. Yes, if you understand your feelings, then you could understand your sexual orientation. Off course you can identify as what you feel like.

[R_1]

3 minutes ago, MrDane said:

 As suddenly things matched  in their history.

In few people's cases, changes in sexual orientation is literally the only way they can explain things. Like say, you strongly felt what you think was to be attraction, and every days of those years confirms that you are that way, and then suddenly a shift happens by itself, and over time you have to wonder what the hell is going on, and you connect the puzzle trying to see if you did felt it, but if you can never rule out that you did felt it (Tried for years, and still failing to rule it out), you're left with the only explanation that your sexuality did changed and it's not a mere matter of realization or the likes.