AspieAlly613 Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 As part of the "What is romantic attraction?" question, the following question came to my mind. When I start to think that my friendly feelings toward a friend might be more than just friendship and bordering on romance, I've found myself needing to mentally fight pretty hard not to make the mistake of "placebo romance" where the belief that I might have romantic feelings can influence my perception. I'd like to ask what most people do to avoid this mistake, but I'm pessimistically confident the answer is "nothing". I realize that the conventional American dating system MIGHT be based largely on conflating placebo romance with actual romance. Instead, I'll ask "Consider the subset of people who do filter out placebo romance. What do most of them do to filter it out?" Link to post Share on other sites
Lordyloo Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Never think that in the first place? Or find someone else to distract themselves? I dunno Link to post Share on other sites
IrishArcher Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 I would say one way to tell the difference would be to spend more time with the person, and if the feeling grows stronger, it's probably real romantic attraction. Personally, in the few instances where I've suspected romantic attraction, the feeling has grown weaker over time rather than stronger, suggesting it was most likely all in my head to begin with. If you're uncertain about whether or not you feel something, I would not recommmend acting on those maybe feelings. I don't think it would be fair on the other person to bring them into it before you've figured yourself out. That being said, your question brings up the issue of psychological factors that contribute to attraction. It's not an unexplainable phenomenon, and there are plenty of scientific indicators: high-adrenaline situations heighten attraction; knowing someone likes you makes you more likely to like them back; you're more likely to be attracted to people who look like you, etc. Because those things are true, I'd say that our society doesn't really distinguish between "placebo" attraction and "real" attraction -- all of it is in your head, and all of it can be influenced by external factors, so who's to say placebo attraction couldn't become real attraction somewhere down the line? What makes attraction "real" in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
AspieAlly613 Posted December 9, 2018 Author Share Posted December 9, 2018 To my mind, the factors making it "real" are the factors bout the person xemself. So, looking more like you is an attribute of the person, and wont go away over time (not usually, anyway). The high-adrenaline situations are not. Link to post Share on other sites
IrishArcher Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 So if you're basing the reality of your attraction on its persistence/longevity, then I'd say the best indicator would just be to wait and see if your feelings change over time. Link to post Share on other sites
AspieAlly613 Posted December 9, 2018 Author Share Posted December 9, 2018 Yeah, to an extent. If it was someone with whom I couldn't fall deeply in love, marry, and with whom I could spend the next 50+ years, then I wouldn't consider those feelings significant. Link to post Share on other sites
AspieAlly613 Posted December 9, 2018 Author Share Posted December 9, 2018 That's also why I don't consider the initial feeling of "ooh, new friend" (the same as I'd feel about "ooh, new video game") to be more significant than ordinary friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
IrishArcher Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 I think there's probably a difference between love and romantic attraction. Romantic attraction can turn into love, but it doesn't necessarily have to. When I think of placebo romance, I think of a situation in which you convince yourself that you are attracted to a person because you've created an idealized version of them in your mind, in which case you're not really attracted to them, you're using them as a placeholder for your feelings toward an imaginary person. If your feelings don't change as you get to know the real person better, then I would say it's not a placebo attraction, it's real. That still doesn't mean it will lead to love, however. Most people are probably looking for relationships that will lead to love and therefore last, so it's smart to recognize the potential for that before entering a relationship, but I think most people can experience romantic attraction despite knowing a relationship wouldn't actually work out. They can simply choose not to act on those feelings if they don't think it will be a good idea. I'd still consider that attraction to be significant, even if it might not lead anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
AspieAlly613 Posted December 9, 2018 Author Share Posted December 9, 2018 I suppose I'm using a more literal interpretation of the statement "Romantic attraction is the desire for a romantic relationship." Link to post Share on other sites
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