Jennifer1722

Having kids as an asexual?

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Jennifer1722

It is my dream to be a mum. I have wanted it since a small child, I pick out kids names, I even dream of being a mum when I'm asleep. I'd be absolutely fine with being asexual if it wasnt for this but, until I solve this problem, my sexuality feels like a death sentence

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Vianna

I cant offer any advise but I just wanted to say I am struggling with the same thing. I used to want to adopt as I do not need tge child to be my blood but my mother says no to me doind that because she is adopted and still struggling with it. So now I don't want to if it will ne like she says it is. 

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Jennifer1722
13 minutes ago, Vianna said:

I cant offer any advise but I just wanted to say I am struggling with the same thing. I used to want to adopt as I do not need tge child to be my blood but my mother says no to me doind that because she is adopted and still struggling with it. So now I don't want to if it will ne like she says it is. 

I thought of adoption too but I had a mental health problem in university (I found out later it was ocd but they called 'complex mental health problems') so I don't think they'll let me. I've been meaning to ask them what exactly is on my record but I'm scared :3

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CajunAce

I'm planning on adopting. I love kids, but I don't want to go through the process of making one. 

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MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

There are three options that I can think of; the first is adoption, the second would be in vitro, and the third would be finding a partner and only having sex with them to have a child.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide.

 

1 hour ago, Vianna said:

I cant offer any advise but I just wanted to say I am struggling with the same thing. I used to want to adopt as I do not need tge child to be my blood but my mother says no to me doind that because she is adopted and still struggling with it. So now I don't want to if it will ne like she says it is. 

I'm not sure I understand: if your mum weren't adopted, she'd be stuck in the system with no family at all, is that better?

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

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Back to Avalon

@Vianna's mom doesn't speak for all adoptees. My mom was adopted and although she wondered about her birth family (and has met many of them), I wouldn't say she struggled with being adopted. Some adoptees feel rejected by their birth parents, but I don't think my mother has ever felt that way. Her adoptive parents were her parents and that was that. If you do adopt, just be sure your mother doesn't fill your kids' heads with her issues.

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Star Lion

@Vianna

Homeless child adopted by loving parent(s) vs. staying in shelter with the bare minimum. Either way there will be some psychological problems whether in the shelter or in a home. The question is which one is more beneficial for the child? I say the loving parent. There are so many kids in the adoptive system being mistreated and in poor conditions

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Nowhere Girl
4 hours ago, MichaelTannock said:

There are three options that I can think of; the first is adoption, the second would be in vitro, and the third would be finding a partner and only having sex with them to have a child.

Well, not necessarily in vitro. It's a very invasive procedure and should only be performed if other methods fail. A much simpler solution is insemination.

However, insemination can be done in two ways: either by formally registering at a fertility clinic, choosing a sperm donor and undergoing insemination which would be performed by a doctor or nurse - or by finding a suitable "informal" donor (a friend, perhaps), who would agree to such a solution, and performing insemination at home with a syringe. It is less successful, but it's far from impossible to become pregnant this way.

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Vianna
On 12/8/2018 at 8:07 PM, MichaelTannock said:

I'm not sure I understand: if your mum weren't adopted, she'd be stuck in the system with no family at all, is that better?

 

On 12/8/2018 at 8:25 PM, Back to Avalon said:

@Vianna's mom doesn't speak for all adoptees. My mom was adopted and although she wondered about her birth family (and has met many of them), I wouldn't say she struggled with being adopted. Some adoptees feel rejected by their birth parents, but I don't think my mother has ever felt that way. Her adoptive parents were her parents and that was that. If you do adopt, just be sure your mother doesn't fill your kids' heads with her issues.

 

On 12/8/2018 at 8:42 PM, Star Lion said:

@Vianna

Homeless child adopted by loving parent(s) vs. staying in shelter with the bare minimum. Either way there will be some psychological problems whether in the shelter or in a home. The question is which one is more beneficial for the child? I say the loving parent. There are so many kids in the adoptive system being mistreated and in poor conditions

I'll just answer 3 in 1, hope that's okay. My mum had in my opinion the best possible adoptive parents (one of whom was also adopted, the other was unknowingly raised by a stepparent - pretty much everyone in my family is either not blood related or not related in the way they thought they were xD). My mother did as Back to Avalon suggested have huge issues with abandonment. She actually was given away, not because they were unable to provide for her, but because she was illegitimate and therefore not only unwanted but a disgrace to her family. Many won't see her to this day, her bio-grandmonther would not acknowledge her existence to the point that when she found them she pretended she could neither see nor hear her in the room. This is just to explain why she feels the way she feels as best I can - knowing only what she has told me.

 

But basically it's been so bad for her that it has also affected how she raised me and my sibling negatively. It is for instance part of why won't accept me being ace. Because she wanted our life to be as normal and 'happy' to such a degree that our interests and personalities could not deviate from what she consider the life she'd have liked. Anyways, that is just context.

 

My mother doesn't want me to adopt because she's afraid the child will have similar issues to her - and because she thinks that I will be unable to help and support that child through this adequately. I have Aspergers (which I know many on here have) and I show quite little emotion of the surface and have trouble relating to people. She believes this will prevent me from providing the necessary emoptional warmth and comfort needed in such a case. I have for years been terrified that this will be true. Heck, even if I got biological children I've always been terrified they'd think I didn't like them because I won't be like my mum or grandmother. This is why I'm inclined to agree with her - sorta. Or at least why I'm very hesitant of adopting. Like, Star lion brought up a loving parent is what these children want. What if they don't believe they have that? What if I'm not enough? Is it enough for me to love them or is it crucial that they see the love manifested every day in hugs and smiles? This is still something I'm debating and still something I don't know the full answer to. Sorry for the long message, I haven't been on so I didn't see this until there were three replies. I know my first one was short and poorly worded but unfortunately for me I was in a bit of an emotional state when I wrote that. ^_^

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Vincent Van Schmo

So finding a male partner and doing it the old-fashioned way doesn't work?

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Nowhere Girl
27 minutes ago, Vincent Van Schmo said:

So finding a male partner and doing it the old-fashioned way doesn't work?

But why should it have to? I don't know what is the OP's attitude towards possibly having sex, but many asexuals are sex-averse and would definitely prefer to avoid ever having sex.

I don't need to care about this particular topic myself because I never wanted to be a parent and I'm also strongly tokophobic (freaked out by pregnancy and childbirth, ever since I was 5 years old and read two books for children about reproduction), but I am personally sex-averse and I best understand aces who prefer not to have sex for any reason.

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Vincent Van Schmo
11 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

But why should it have to? I don't know what is the OP's attitude towards possibly having sex, but many asexuals are sex-averse and would definitely prefer to avoid ever having sex.

I don't need to care about this particular topic myself because I never wanted to be a parent and I'm also strongly tokophobic (freaked out by pregnancy and childbirth, ever since I was 5 years old and read two books for children about reproduction), but I am personally sex-averse and I best understand aces who prefer not to have sex for any reason.

Well, that's what I am trying to ask her.  She didn't exactly say.

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songchick

If I choose to have a kid, I'm DEFINITELY adopting.  I don't want to make my body go through that hell.  My mother got obese after having me.  Also, there are enough people in the world, and I'd rather give a kid a chance than make my own.  AND I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, and I think my genes could cause me to have a kid with mental illness.  Adopting is the way for me, if at all.

 

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MLJ
5 hours ago, Vianna said:

My mother doesn't want me to adopt because she's afraid the child will have similar issues to her - and because she thinks that I will be unable to help and support that child through this adequately. I have Aspergers (which I know many on here have) and I show quite little emotion of the surface and have trouble relating to people. She believes this will prevent me from providing the necessary emoptional warmth and comfort needed in such a case. I have for years been terrified that this will be true. Heck, even if I got biological children I've always been terrified they'd think I didn't like them because I won't be like my mum or grandmother. This is why I'm inclined to agree with her - sorta. Or at least why I'm very hesitant of adopting. Like, Star lion brought up a loving parent is what these children want. What if they don't believe they have that? What if I'm not enough? Is it enough for me to love them or is it crucial that they see the love manifested every day in hugs and smiles? This is still something I'm debating and still something I don't know the full answer to. Sorry for the long message, I haven't been on so I didn't see this until there were three replies. I know my first one was short and poorly worded but unfortunately for me I was in a bit of an emotional state when I wrote that. ^_^

There are a lot of kids who are adopted who have emotional problems because of it for all sorts of reasons. My ex was adopted, and he is really opposed to adoption because he felt it damaged him. However, this isn't true for everyone. There are many people who have been adopted who are happy and well-adjusted and feel being adopted was a positive thing for them.

 

The fact that you are worried about whether you will be a loving enough parent is, IMO, a sign that you likely would be. Parents who aren't loving aren't likely to worry much about how their behavior affects their kids. I'm a high school teacher, and I have had so many students who come from really horrible circumstances where nobody loves or cares for them properly. It's heartbreaking. I don't understand how so many people can treat their children so badly.

 

Being a good parent is a choice, and it is a behavior. Yes, kids do need daily hugs, smiles, and "I love you's." Those may not come naturally for you, but can you do them if you choose to? Being a good parent, to a large extent, is about doing things that are difficult because it's best for your kid. It's "easy" to get frustrated and take out your frustration on your kids by yelling at them. It's "easy" to angry when your kids don't listen to you and hit them or punish them severely. But people can choose to not take the easy, comfortable path and instead try to do what they know is the right thing even when it's hard. If you think you could learn how to provide your kids with some of the behaviors that show you love them -  even if they feel uncomfortable and unnatural at first - then yes I think you could be a good parent.

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Nowhere Girl

I recently read something interesting about parenting. See, I respect children, but since I never even wanted to be a parent, I have no practical knowledge in this area. A mother wrote that even very small children can be taught to always respect consent, even without yet raising any traumatic topics or telling them that some adults do some rather disgusting things with their bodies... (;)) Namely: the key is to always respect consent in other areas. Always ask a child if they want to do this or that. Don't allow aunties forcible kisses. Een when the children are very small, best avoid changing diapers without asking or at least telling them that it's necessary at the moment.

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Jennifer1722
On 12/14/2018 at 1:50 AM, Vincent Van Schmo said:

So finding a male partner and doing it the old-fashioned way doesn't work?

This feels like a weird question for an asexual site....a man's penis (not the rest of him, please don't be offended) repulses me? I thought that went with the label! It would have to be a one-off act and I'd be so tense I'm not sure he'd get it in!

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Jennifer1722
On 12/14/2018 at 2:40 AM, songchick said:

If I choose to have a kid, I'm DEFINITELY adopting.  I don't want to make my body go through that hell.  My mother got obese after having me.  Also, there are enough people in the world, and I'd rather give a kid a chance than make my own.  AND I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, and I think my genes could cause me to have a kid with mental illness.  Adopting is the way for me, if at all.

 

Do you think they'll let you adopt with your mental health difficulties? I'm totally recovered from mine and it still worries me they'll say no because they apparently really scrutinise potential parents. I volunteered for a mental health charity for a while and met couples turned down due to one of them suffering from ocd long in the past. That day I assumed my dream of adopting wasn't going to happen!

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isola
57 minutes ago, Jennifer1722 said:

This feels like a weird question for an asexual site....a man's penis (not the rest of him, please don't be offended) repulses me? I thought that went with the label! It would have to be a one-off act and I'd be so tense I'm not sure he'd get it in!

It is a weird question indeed and the type youd find on a "regular" forum with people who have no problems with the thought of having sex with someone. Theres no guarantee youll get pregnant the first time youre "doing it" either, so forcing yourself over and over seems like a bad idea. Dont go there.

 

Ive never wanted children of my own (I'll stick to fur babies), but I guess Id go for either adoption or becoming a foster parent if I ever changed my mind. The world is already full of orphans who need a loving home and I have no desire whatsoever to become pregnant and uh... "spread my genes" (theyre not that superior, really). Yes, some will struggle with the thought of being adopted (and thats something youll have to deal with if/when that happens), but are the options really better?

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Vincent Van Schmo

@Jennifer1722 and @isola, since you're both new, I think it's important that you know that that isn't a weird question on a place like AVEN.  If you end up being more regular the site, you are going to see many asexuals discuss their experiences with sex.  Some asexuals have had sex many times, and many indeed used it as a tactic to have children because they wanted families.  There are even lesbians who have had sex with men, in order to pregnant, and a few of them might be members here too.

 

So I really am not in a position to make assumptions about anyone.  Since you are a perfect stranger to me, Jennifer, your attitudes on sex could have been anywhere from the most optimistic in the world to physical injury at the sight of the word itself.

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chandrakirti

The only problem I encountered was that I hadn't realised I was ace until she was 26, so I had trouble understanding why she was interested when she hit puberty. 

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isola
50 minutes ago, Vincent Van Schmo said:

@Jennifer1722 and @isola, since you're both new, I think it's important that you know that that isn't a weird question on a place like AVEN.  If you end up being more regular the site, you are going to see many asexuals discuss their experiences with sex.  Some asexuals have had sex many times, and many indeed used it as a tactic to have children because they wanted families.  There are even lesbians who have had sex with men, in order to pregnant, and a few of them might be members here too.

 

So I really am not in a position to make assumptions about anyone.  Since you are a perfect stranger to me, Jennifer, your attitudes on sex could have been anywhere from the most optimistic in the world to physical injury at the sight of the word itself.

I understand I dont get all the forum rules/ways yet and Im fine with people discussing sex and reproduction, but my "problem" with your comment was how it was worded: it came off as blunt and ignorant (no, Im not saying you are and Im not picking a fight here, Im just saying how it came off to me and what I responded to). Im pretty sure the thought of "just" finding a male partner and doing it the old fashioned way has already crossed Jennifers mind more than once, since thats the most common and easy way.

 

You finish your last post with the words "your attitudes on sex couldve been anywhere from the most optimistic in the world to physical injury...", but she describes her asexuality as a death sentence in the first post already...

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Vincent Van Schmo
2 minutes ago, isola said:

 but my "problem" with your comment was how it was worded: it came off as blunt and ignorant

Well, of course it came off as ignorant.  I am ignorant of Jennifer.  I don't know her, and so I asked a direct question, in order to learn and cure my ignorance.

 

4 minutes ago, isola said:

You finish your last post with the words "your attitudes on sex couldve been anywhere from the most optimistic in the world to physical injury...", but she describes her asexuality as a death sentence in the first post already... 

That didn't really tell me anything other than the fact that her asexuality creates problems for her life goals.  The same goes for me too.  I mean, I'd like to have kids, but finding a partner is tough when you have an irregular sexuality.  Sexual women probably won't want me as much because they will want more sex than I am likely to provide, and asexual women may be entirely unwilling to have sex even for procreative ends.

 

The simile of the "death sentence" resonates with me, because when I think about it, it is as if some greater force intervened and imposed some kind of limitation on me.

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isola

@Vincent Van Schmo Funny how we can look at the same thing (well, same words in this case) and think so differently of it :)

 

Yeah, finding a partner is hard and being asexual doesnt help at all. We're how many? 1%  of the worlds population? And then it has to click once you meet a fellow ace (or a sexual person whos willing to live without it) too... 

 

Id like to think of asexuality as freedom, rather than a limitation though, but then again I dont want kids and I understand it must be very difficult when you do. 

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Jennifer1722
4 hours ago, Vincent Van Schmo said:

@Jennifer1722 and @isola, since you're both new, I think it's important that you know that that isn't a weird question on a place like AVEN.  If you end up being more regular the site, you are going to see many asexuals discuss their experiences with sex.  Some asexuals have had sex many times, and many indeed used it as a tactic to have children because they wanted families.  There are even lesbians who have had sex with men, in order to pregnant, and a few of them might be members here too.

 

So I really am not in a position to make assumptions about anyone.  Since you are a perfect stranger to me, Jennifer, your attitudes on sex could have been anywhere from the most optimistic in the world to physical injury at the sight of the word itself.

I get not making assumptions but it was the word 'just' in your original question that threw me....like you were pointing out a really obvious easy solution which is the type of thing people with no idea about asexuality do because sex is so normal to them

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