babynightfury

Demisexual? Help plz :)

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babynightfury

Hi!

I'm a 17 yr old girl who has always thought of herself as straight, but, as far as I can tell, has never really had a crush on anyone, until earlier this year when I discovered that I had a major crush on my best friend (also girl) of 5 years. Well tbh its kind of more than a crush by this stage ahahaha - I'm very very in love with her, and very very sad because she does not feel the same way. We are, however, still very close friends, and she has been incredibly supportive during this whole process. But - That's not the point of this! At this stage, I'm more concerned about how this came to be, and what this means for my identity.

 

We were friends for probably about 2 years before I began to notice anything different about the way I looked at and thought about her. I think it first started when she was dancing, and I noticed that she has a really nice butt and really gorgeous curvy hips.

Then ... oh dear ... ok stick with me folks ...

Basically because we were both horny teenagers, whenever we had sleepover we tended to get a little bit frisky and wanted to try do sexual stuff to each other as 'practice.'

Eventually this became somewhat of a routine event when we hung out and I began to look forward to this more and more and more.

We never got very far in terms of the sexual contact (basically only upper body) and we only ever tried kissing each other twice, but I found myself thinking about us doing stuff more often and wondering when we could do things next. And every time after we did something, I would fall back into this kind of sad place where I moped about for the next week or so questioning everything about our friendship and what I felt.

This went on for at least another two years before I figured out the truth. I think I knew there was something not quite normal happening all along, because I spent so much time questioning the relationship, and my emotions and trying to figure out exactly what I was feeling. And in hindsight, I think "if you're wondering what you feel at all, then that's generally a sign that there is some romantic/sexual attraction rather than nothing, right?"

This is sort of backed up by her response whenever I talk to her about it. She just seems so caught off guard, like it's something she's never considered. She had no idea there was another potential to our relationship.

 

Anyway now that the background info is out of the way, I'm wondering if I could be demisexual.

 

Things I'm not sure correspond to being demisexual include:

- I watch porn and masturbate, and I find it very enjoyable

- I have a desire to have sex in general, ie. I get horny

- I like talking about sexual things with friends

 

It would be great to get your opinions on these ^^

 

Things I identify with about potentially being demisexual include:

- Although I get horny and have a desire to have sex, it's more the idea that appeals to me than the actual thing. I think if I was presented with the opportunity IRL, I would not know how to respond. If my best friend/crush wanted to, then I'd be most likely happy to go through with it (you have to factor in that I'm young and a teenager and these things are scary), but once there was this girl flirting with me at a party and I could tell she definitely wanted to make a move, and part of me felt excited and part of me also felt very sick at the possibility of doing something with her. in the end I kind of ended up avoiding her a bit, which was a bit sad and mean of me because she was really nice but she got me a bit freaked out.

- Speaking of parties, I haven't really thought about about wanting to kiss strangers at parties! I just didn't really consider it. A friend asked me once "what, don't you want to kiss randoms at a party for fun?" and I guess in theory it sounds fun but IRL I just cannot see the appeal?? unless I already know them and are friends with them. I don't think this is because I'd actively choose to refrain from doing anything until I knew them better, I think this is just legitimately because I would not feel attracted to them not knowing anything about them except what they look like.

- I often feel alienated when my friends discuss their celebrity crushes, because I don't really find celebrities 'hot' - although I can see the aesthetic appeal, I never really have a desire to kiss/touch/have sex w them

- I have never felt sexually attracted to other boys or girls I know

- I find it really difficult to identify what I feel and distinguish between different types of attraction. For instance, I think I have experienced "squishes" (platonic crushes?) but often struggle to determine whether what I feel is a squish or a romantic crush.

- I have only really liked one person ever, and only after knowing her for a long time and forming a very close bond with her

- It took me so long to figure out I liked her

 

 

Part of me wonders though, is this just because I'm young and isolated? I go to an all girls school and if i was more heterosexual it would make sense that I don't really like that many people here. But the other part of me thinks, "you know enough boys to be able to tell whether you feel attracted to any of them." I don't know though. How often do you sexual people experience attractions to people? A lot of my friends seem very hyper-sexual and seem to be attracted to every second person they meet. I can't tell if I'm just looking at a small sample of individuals or if this is actually what most sexual people experience?
 

 

sorry there are a lot of questions and thoughts here, I know this is kind of a jumble and applicable to a number of forum areas so I didn't know exactly where to put it, but I hope this is ok. Let me know your thoughts on any of the above.

 

babynightfury xxx

 

 

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Chocolatedevil00
3 hours ago, babynightfury said:

Things I'm not sure correspond to being demisexual include:

- I watch porn and masturbate, and I find it very enjoyable

- I have a desire to have sex in general, ie. I get horny

- I like talking about sexual things with friends

 

All of this, even applies to some asexuals, so nothing there would affect your "potential demi-ness" 

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roland.o

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @babynightfury! Have some cake... :cake::D

 

Thanks for sharing your story!

 

8 hours ago, babynightfury said:

Things I'm not sure correspond to being demisexual include:

- I watch porn and masturbate, and I find it very enjoyable

- I have a desire to have sex in general, ie. I get horny

- I like talking about sexual things with friends

I'd say neither of these is a sign for or against demisexuality.

 

8 hours ago, babynightfury said:

I think if I was presented with the opportunity IRL, I would not know how to respond.

There's nothing wrong about taking things slowly. :D

 

8 hours ago, babynightfury said:

I just cannot see the appeal?? unless I already know them and are friends with them.

8 hours ago, babynightfury said:

- I have never felt sexually attracted to other boys or girls I know

8 hours ago, babynightfury said:

- I have only really liked one person ever, and only after knowing her for a long time and forming a very close bond with her

These, and some other things you mention, are in the list of indicators for demisexuality. At the same time, there are also sexuals who prefer to take things slowly, who are not sexually or romantically attracted to random strangers, who need a bond first. And nobody can exactly pinpoint where demisexuality begins or ends. So it comes back to you... Do you feel that your experiences are fundamentally different from those of others in your peer group? Or do you think that you're basically on the same path, but just taking things more slowly? And with the added twist of homo- or bisexuality added to the mix?

 

It's up to you to choose your labels. From personal experience, I know that a label can give you a feeling of belonging. At the same time, it sets you apart from those who do not share that label. I was in my mid-fourties when I read about demisexuality for the first time, and it was a relieve for me. Because it gave a name to my feeling of being different, which I had for decades.

At the age of 17, you are going through a lot of changes. And so are others around you. Some of them will actually have celebrity crushes, but others might just be playing along to fit in, while actually they feel quite similar to you. If you feel different from those around you, adopting labels to express your feeling is perfectly alright. What you describe definitely has the character of demisexuality, so it's not as if you'd be misrepresenting the idea. But nobody other than yourself can judge the degree, the intensity of your experience. And from my point of view, that's what makes the difference between sexuals taking things slowly and wanting a bond first, and demisexuals who might spend years with someone, not knowing whether sexual attraction (or romantic attraction, in case of demiromantics), will ever develop.

Your judgement in this matter will be much better informed than mine, or anyone else's. So I'll take your word for it: if you label yourself demisexual, then that is what you are. While pondering that decision, keep in mind that you are always free to change your labels. They are words to express your feelings, not obligations to adhere to some standards. Feelings may change over time, and you can always drop labels, or adopt new ones, to reflect that. If it this point in your life you feel that demisexual describes you well, then you are very welcome to use that label  :D

 

If you are also pondering your romantic or sexual orientation at the same time, you can of course combine labels:

demi-panromantic, homo-demiromantic, demi-homosexual,...

 

8 hours ago, babynightfury said:

I can't tell if I'm just looking at a small sample of individuals or if this is actually what most sexual people experience?

Don't try to generalize about sexual people. And certainly not based on what you can learn here on AVEN. Most sexual people haven't even heard of asexuality or the spectrum :cake::DBe yourself, make your own experiences, at your own pace. You are good as you are! :D Your feelings are what is important, and what you make of them. Whether or not your feelings blend in with the majority should be an afterthought. Of course I'm aware that this is easier said than done. Particularily as you are at an age where you are seeking your place in society. It's OK to think about these things, but don't worry too much :cake:


 

8 hours ago, babynightfury said:

- I find it really difficult to identify what I feel and distinguish between different types of attraction. For instance, I think I have experienced "squishes" (platonic crushes?) but often struggle to determine whether what I feel is a squish or a romantic crush.

Oh yes, the distinction between platonic and romantic feelings is particularily tricky. It's not really clear in the cartoon either... :D

https://www.deviantart.com/secondlina/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

 

 

All the best to you! :cake::D

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babynightfury

@roland.o Thank you for such a thoughtful and detailed response!

 

14 hours ago, roland.o said:

These, and some other things you mention, are in the list of indicators for demisexuality. At the same time, there are also sexuals who prefer to take things slowly, who are not sexually or romantically attracted to random strangers, who need a bond first. And nobody can exactly pinpoint where demisexuality begins or ends. So it comes back to you... Do you feel that your experiences are fundamentally different from those of others in your peer group? Or do you think that you're basically on the same path, but just taking things more slowly? And with the added twist of homo- or bisexuality added to the mix?

I see what you mean about not knowing where things begin and end. I just wish the boundaries were more clearly defined!

why do emotions have to be so fuzzy and frustrating 😣😝

I struggle to completely feel comfortable with the label because on one hand I really like it and identify with a lot of the indicators, and on the other hand I feel distanced from it and can't see myself identifying that way. I don't think I want to label myself as anything at this stage because of this.

I think it would be worthwhile more me to talk to more people and see if I can get an idea of what sexual attraction feels like to more different individuals and how they experience it, in order to determine if I feel fundamentally different to them as you say.

 

Are you able to describe what it feels like for you (if you have experienced)?

 

Thanks again!

 

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roland.o
35 minutes ago, babynightfury said:

talk to more people and see if I can get an idea of what sexual attraction feels like to more different individuals and how they experience it

Sounds like a good plan! Also, if you search these forums, you'll find plenty of threads about what sexual attraction feels like. The question comes up again and again. But there's still no checklist that would give anyone a definite answer :cake::D

 

36 minutes ago, babynightfury said:

Are you able to describe what it feels like for you (if you have experienced)?

My experiences are feeble and few, so I'll have to pass here.

 

All the best to you :cake::cake::cake::D

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