Queerplatonic or romantic? I though I had clear, but maybe not...

[Mondaye]

***

[Mondaye]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm kind of new around here, and a bit new to myself as well.

As I said here I discovered asexuality and all it implied about me bit more than a month ago.

 

This dispeled a lot of confusion about why I was feeling so different ( even dysfonctional at times).

 

But now, I'm a bit lost with trying to pin down my romantic inclination.

 

At first I though I was heteromantic, since I developed thrice  strong feelings for people of the opposite sexe. But... since then I heard about queerplanonism.

 

And the fact is that if a punctually wondered how it would feel to have them hold me in their arm, and about light kisses, about sharing a life's space and so on... well if it stays abstract it feels nice. But if its more concrete (especially if they are present) the though vanishes in a flash. 

 

What does really tempt me is sharing some moments alone with them like:

-  building crazy projects

- exploring some foreign countries,

- walks in the forest/montains

- deep discussions

- or just some silence

 

What I also desire is having the option to turn toward them whenever I feel sad or depressed and knowing they will be there for me, and the reverse as well ( meaning being there for them). I have a desire for absolute and reciprocal trust. 

 

I also have for the last one at least this very deep feelings that make me very aware of is presence. I love his smile, his expression, they make me feel warm inside, like a magic potion that keep me in good mood.  I admire him strongly for his character and his values - since they are shared between us.

I'm also very sensible to how he perceive me, and get hurt whenever he says something that has a "potential" negativ edge ( I have self estime issue's so sometimes I overinterpret whatever people say to me with how I see me and hurtmyself this way).

But I can cope with the fact he has now a girlfriend. At first I was jealous because of the intimacy they shared (and I still a little at times but it's not that bad), but not that much any more since there's less the feeling I'm "left out" like when they just first met and where kind of oblivious of the rest of the world. I even enjoy her company as well.

 

So I wonder if I'm closer to a QP or a romantic, since I does have this slight "fantasy" for romance, but when it comes to reality, ... not so quite. 

 

I also wonder if it's possible to build a still healthy relationship with someone you have queer platonic feelings for them but they only see you as a friend?  And if you feel this way, should you speak it up or keep it quiet ? Does anyone ever had such a relationship and could talk to me about it? 

 

Thank you for reading and sorry for my poor english ( I'm french)

[MrDane]

Yes, it is possible to have such a relationship, but trouble is that it needs a lot of rules and regulations, that most monogamistic romantic sexual/sexual relationships just have by default. To many romantic sexuals (with i think most people are, to some extend) what @Mondaye describes, would be considered more of a friendship. Some of the basic things to deal with comes here:

1. Is great sex off the table? For both of you?

2. How do you show/express your feelings? (In other way than talking)

3. Can you talk about stuff?

4. Are you monogamistic and therefore not open to other people. A closed group of two?

 

[Wolf_Dragon303]

Okay, so: you could very well experience alterous attraction (not completely romantic or platonic)

I honestly can’t really help you with distinguishing romantic attraction, being kind of confused myself, but it does sound like you aren’t experience full romantic attraction (either aro/arospec/alterous)

if you have alterous attraction for someone, personally it’s kind of similar to having a romantic crush: talk to them about it, especially if they are new to the idea of Aromanticism, explain what a qpr would entail. 

I’m personally in a qpr with one of my friends at the moment; we are both arospec so she knew what I was talking about and I sent her the qpr request form (it’s on tumblr/online if you search) so we could set out expectations. Honestly it’s up to you what you want to do, if the feelings are strong and you find a qpr desirable, see how they feel about arospec/qprs (if they don’t know - it makes it easier to ask and can help alert you to arophobia if it’s present) and ask them. If you think it’s ynnecesary bother, don’t worry. There’s no need to get into a relationship you don’t want. 

[Mondaye]

I don't know if you would feel the courage to speak up unless I have an opening to explain how exactly I feel toward him. ( Because right know the feelings I have I directed toward one man alone, I noticed my message was not so clear about that. When I say "they" they are successive people and not simultaneous) 

 

There's also the fact he is with someone. I'm afraid that my feelings will be misunderstood and perceived as an intrusion. Like I'm trying to steal him from her. (But the thing is since I know he's in love with her and she loves him the way he need love - with sexe, kisses and all - I prefer him to be happy with her, even though it means he's kind of "less available"). 

 

The things with non standard attractions is that people usually have difficulties to understand them. But the trouble he's that if I keep things the way they are, since my feelings are deep, though non standard, the risk is that he thinks I'm in "classical love" with him and be disturbed. (Since is in a happy couple)

 

I don't know if another approach should not also to se it not only with him but also with her? ( Not just now, but if there's room for a qp relationship, it would be unfair that she does not know - it might hurt her feelings if she misunderstand it as well)

[Mondaye]

@MrDane

 

Great sexe is definitively off the table on my side, and since he's running a happy love story, I guess it shouldn't be an issue on his side.

 

About monogamy... I would never ask not wish for him to live her or the reverse because of me. Since I can go along with her, I'd like to have her as a friend a well though my feeling will never be the same kind as the one I have for him.

 

For expressing my feelings... that's a bit more complicated. The closer I came to, was in a difficult situation, when I came for his advice. I said something like " I trust you" and felt so awkward afterwards. 

On a more daily basis, I try to do things that please him ( like buying or cooking the kind of pastries he likes from time to time), I interest myself to the things he likes to I can talk to him about it. When I have an important decision, I want to have his advice. And I'm trying to be friend with his partner both because I kind of like her since she's kind, but also because she's "part of him".  But as I said in my previous message just above, I tend to be afraid she will not accept it.

 

On his side... except recently because of work overload that get him very nervous, he tends to be attentional, when I look depress or in distress he takes time to cheer me up. (And he's the one that does it the best, the simple fact to have him near me tend to reassure me). And I don't need much more.

 

For talking about "stuff"... what do you mean? 

Like having a conversation? Yes we have some subjects we are both interested in, and before he met her, from time to time we add some sharing of these in the evening before leaving work. (Cause we both used to leave late ) Recently though since he has this work overload and his girlfriend we have less moment of sharing and I miss them dearly.

[MrDane]

36 minutes ago, Mondaye said:

@MrDane

 

Great sexe is definitively off the table on my side, and since he's running a happy love story, I guess it shouldn't be an issue on his side.

 

About monogamy... I would never ask not wish for him to live her or the reverse because of me. Since I can go along with her, I'd like to have her as a friend a well though my feeling will never be the same kind as the one I have for him.

 

For expressing my feelings... that's a bit more complicated. The closer I came to, was in a difficult situation, when I came for his advice. I said something like " I trust you" and felt so awkward afterwards. 

On a more daily basis, I try to do things that please him ( like buying or cooking the kind of pastries he likes from time to time), I interest myself to the things he likes to I can talk to him about it. When I have an important decision, I want to have his advice. And I'm trying to be friend with his partner both because I kind of like her since she's kind, but also because she's "part of him".  But as I said in my previous message just above, I tend to be afraid she will not accept it.

 

On his side... except recently because of work overload that get him very nervous, he tends to be attentional, when I look depress or in distress he takes time to cheer me up. (And he's the one that does it the best, the simple fact to have him near me tend to reassure me). And I don't need much more.

 

For talking about "stuff"... what do you mean? 

Like having a conversation? Yes we have some subjects we are both interested in, and before he met her, from time to time we add some sharing of these in the evening before leaving work. (Cause we both used to leave late ) Recently though since he has this work overload and his girlfriend we have less moment of sharing and I miss them dearly.

“Stuff”?? I meant: can you talk about anything? Your feelings? Your hopes for the future?

 

 

[Mondaye]

My feelings?  My hope for the future? That's the point. I'm afraid to declare myself because I fear rejection. 

 

And talking about my feelings in general - like "I'm sad because... /I'm afraid/ I'm happy" - in a non written form as always been difficult.  But I can do it better with him than with any other person.