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Winged Whisperer

What is this attraction?

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Winged Whisperer

Hey so there's a lot of debate on the whole definition debate on asexuality and sexual attraction, and it can get a bit confusing and be like the parable of the blind men and an elephant and get slightly confusing. Helpfully there is a whole taxonomy of sorts in regards to the types of attraction, we've got:

  • Sexual attraction
  • Romantic attraction
  • Sensual attraction
  • Aesthetic attraction

And that's pretty much it. For now I've identified as an asexual/quoisexual. Quoisexual because I really do feel some sort of attraction that I'm not sure what it is. So quick story: last week we went to a wedding, and as is customary for wedding parties, everyone's dressed up to look as splendid and fabulous as possible, and right there on the dance floor my eyes would keep fixating on some really good looking girls that I would describe as hot. So it's obvious I'm attracted to them, but the nature of that attraction eludes me from the 4 types above. I don't want to pursue a relationship with them I think since I just saw them, I don't think it's sensual attraction either because I don't recall me fantasizing about doing intimate stuff, it wasn't aesthetic attraction because I felt it was something more than just how I'd feel towards say a handsome male guy like Antonio Conte or Ryan Gosling. By the process of elimination only sexual attraction remained, but if you asked me would I want to have sex with any of them or even see them naked, I'd answer no.

 

So I'm left with the question, what did I experience?

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TheAP

It's probably not sexual attraction if it doesn't lead you to want sex with them. It could be just a stronger aesthetic attraction than what you normally experience.

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kaysir

I agree with AP, it just sounds like aesthetic attraction. You can experience the same attraction on different levels to different people and different genders.

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Ficto.
3 hours ago, Winged Whisperer said:

So I'm left with the question, what did I experience?

May as well give up now friend, you're clearly a raging sexual fiend :P

 

Lol jokes, but to be honest, what you described is a form of sexual attraction which is another reason why so many people now take issue with it being used in the definition. As has been said many times, there are different forms of sexual attraction but when defining a sexual orientation, the only type that matters is the fact that you either desire to connect sexually with other people or you don't. WHO you prefer to have sex with defines the direction of your orientation but what's more important is whether or not you desire partnered sexual activity in the first place.

 

ANYWAY, the type of attraction you felt to them was clearly more than your average aesthetic attraction and I get the same for women too!! To the extent I'll even masturbate to them (even when in a relationship with a male, I'll rather masturbate to women because I just find them attractive to look at in that special way that doesn't match up to anything else). HOWEVER, I have no interest in having sex with women. I've been there and I don't get anything out of it. Meh. Maybe someday if I develop the right kind of connection with one I will, but that's not something I can imagine right now. You are feeling that same kind of attraction and so do many, many asexuals on AVEN. It just doesn't lead you to any actual desire for partnered sexual contact so it doesn't count. What counts is whether you desire partnered sexual intimacy with other people for your own pleasure, regardless of whether or not you find them attractive. You DON'T, so you're ace. Just ace. That's all. 

 

Here's how I prove that what's fundamental to defining sexual attraction when it comes to oriention is desire: Imagine a man who is saying he is gay. He (like me but flipped) finds men physically attractive enough that he does aesthetically prefer to look at them over looking at women. I know I prefer looking at women, even if I'm madly in love with some guy and desiring sexual intimacy with him. Women always just have that extra spark that no man can capture. Okay so this guy is saying he's gay because of he likes to look at men. BUT he has no interest in actually having sex with men. He's tried it and actually found it pretty repulsive and unentertaining. However, sexually, he's drawn to women. He loves having sex with women, loves the feelings and the sensations and everything about it. He would literally be miserable and feel deeply unsatisfied if he could never have sex with a woman again. He only seeks relationships  with women and has no interest in having relationships with men, none at all.

 

Now, the vast majority of the gay community is going to look at this guy and say 'dude, you're a straight man in denial. It doesn't matter if you find men 'hot' to look at. What matters is the fact that you only want sex with women!'. He's not 'gay' by the way almost any sexual person would define it because his desire to actually seek sex out is directed at women and not men. Does this make sense? He would at the very least be bi, but he is 100% not gay based solely on that attraction to the appearance of men.

 

Hope that helps. It's still a type of sexual attraction really, but not a type that counts in any way. Though if someone made up a new term for it to define something stronger than aesthetic attraction but less strong than 'I WANT TO FUCK HER', I'd be down for that 😛

 

 

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Ficto.

I'm typing on my phone and some of my writing went really tiny for some reason :P Sorry about that!!

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Winged Whisperer

Interesting perspectives so far. 🧐

 

5 hours ago, Ficto. said:

 

Hope that helps. It's still a type of sexual attraction really, but not a type that counts in any way. Though if someone made up a new term for it to define something stronger than aesthetic attraction but less strong than 'I WANT TO FUCK HER', I'd be down for that 😛

In my mind before being exposed to the lexicon used here, I'd have said physical attraction, and it's honestly the only type of attraction I've felt alongside romantic attraction. (As someone who never had any type of sex/relationship ed ever) I remember my older brother once talking about attraction and he said that while personality and all those important features of a person are all critical and the reason why 2 people would get in a relationship, there always has to be some physical attraction at the start, and while that's a good rule of thumb it's demonstrably not universal, but it's how attraction stuck in my mind.

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