Trauma and asexuality

[babcal_]

I'm a bit lost, and these issues are a little 'new to me, so I wanted some advice.

I was sexually abused at the age of 12, but repressed my memory for years. Four years ago I had contact again with the man who abused me, and I began to have lapses that made me resort to therapy. Since being reminded I can no longer experience sexual delay for people, even being able to fall in love and date. I get to have sex only when I'm drugged, and because I think it makes me lose consciousness, I decided to stop. So 1 year I started to research about my traumas and these subjects, and I was questioned if I could have "become" or was always, asexual, or if the trauma itself can not cause it, or if I am not really . My point is that the trauma itself is very latent, and anything (from kisses to touches) makes me sick. I found few places on this subject.

And I think that my questioning comes a lot because lately I wanted to have a relationship without sex, because I feel so comfortable and not feel sorry, but always the people that I related said that I should be with some disturbance since it wasnt normal not to want have sex

Oh.. and excuse my English, it isnt my fluent language.

[jorhrubens]

I think you need to overcome the trauma

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I was also sexually abused once as a child, at the age of 8, but I held onto the memory rather than repressing it, and I didn't tell anyone about it.
I'm now 33, and I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship, and I sometimes wonder if that's the reason.
But I've come to the conclusion that knowing whether it is doesn't change anything.

 

I recommend forming a relationship with another Asexual.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

[Slimer509]

Whether or not it was brought on by your trauma, the fact of the matter is that if you have no desire for sex, and don't really feel sexual attraction, you wouldn't be 'wrong' to identify with the asexual label--if identifying in that way allows you to feel more validated in your feelings, then that's a good thing.

 

It should also be said that it's okay to change how you identify throughout time. If you want to ID as asexual now, because it's fairly accurate to your experience, but down the line you start to desire sex again, then that's totally fine. And if you never desire sex again, that's also totally fine.

 

It's possible you may find that identifying as asexual is an effectively way to convey the feelings you experience without having to explain your trauma every time the topic comes up. It's possible that because of the nature of the type of relationship you want, 'asexual' is a useful label to convey to others what you're looking for in a relationship (ie. 'not sex'). It's possible it may just feel right; and it's possible it may not.

Bottom line, really: if you feel like identifying as asexual would be helpful or comforting to you, go for it. And then if turns out all of this was a result of trauma, and turns out to be in any way temporary, you can stop identifying as asexual, and that's okay too.

 

[MrDane]

Trauma does not make you asexual. Asexual/sexual is more like a default setting. Remove the effects of the trauma and then you could get closer to your ‘setting’. Result could be the same. These lines are pretty close, and the effect could be the same:

sexual: “i am not interested in having sex, because...”

asexual: “i am not interested in having sex, because... well, i am just not!”

[anisotrophic]

This is slightly parallel, but: I've wondered if unwittingly being in a long & strong relationship with someone we've realized is ace (in an indifferent sense, not repulsed) ... caused my gender identity to fall apart.

 

And I wondered if that invalidated it, because so many trans folks describe "always" being the wrong gender.

 

My therapist said, "does it matter?"

 

I think it shouldn't. I've overcome the pain that might have caused it -- and I hope you can overcome yours. Maybe you'll find a change, maybe not. My gender didn't return to female. It is what it is, whether or not it was caused by that pain. I'm going to be happy (and valid!) in what I am now.