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Rmuscosa

Need D&D help

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Rmuscosa

Hi, so I'm a nonbinary, AFAB coDM of our weekly games (my boyfriend is the other DM). All of the other group members are Male, and over time they seem to be talking about sex more; both in and out of character. I'm not comfortable with this, especially since a lot of the talk seems dismissive of the women involved. In game this looks like assuming you can have sex with any woman in the bar, having sex with a prostitute who is in fact a slave forced into prostitution (this was when someone else was DMing), and highly sexualizing an NPC gay couple I introduced. Out of game they talk about women they know or have known in a way I know many women wouldn't want to be discussed.

I'm the only Ace and AFAB person there and it makes me uncomfortable. I know people have sex; I know some people even have one night stands. I'm okay with that. I just don't like the unthinking and callous attitude towards women I hear in their remarks. My boyfriend knows I've been pulling back from engaging in D&D and I finally told him this is one of the reasons why. He is encouraging me to tell the group how I feel, but I don't know how. Any advice? I'm afraid that they'll dismiss this as an Ace issue, or blame it on the fact I'm religious.

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39 minutes ago, Rmuscosa said:

Hi, so I'm a nonbinary, AFAB coDM of our weekly games (my boyfriend is the other DM). All of the other group members are Male, and over time they seem to be talking about sex more; both in and out of character. I'm not comfortable with this, especially since a lot of the talk seems dismissive of the women involved. In game this looks like assuming you can have sex with any woman in the bar, having sex with a prostitute who is in fact a slave forced into prostitution (this was when someone else was DMing), and highly sexualizing an NPC gay couple I introduced. Out of game they talk about women they know or have known in a way I know many women wouldn't want to be discussed.

I'm the only Ace and AFAB person there and it makes me uncomfortable. I know people have sex; I know some people even have one night stands. I'm okay with that. I just don't like the unthinking and callous attitude towards women I hear in their remarks. My boyfriend knows I've been pulling back from engaging in D&D and I finally told him this is one of the reasons why. He is encouraging me to tell the group how I feel, but I don't know how. Any advice? I'm afraid that they'll dismiss this as an Ace issue, or blame it on the fact I'm religious.

Your boyfriend has good advice. When in doubt, talk it out.

 

You just have to be blunt about it. Either before or after a session, whenever you think the group will be the most attentive and receptive, just lay it out for them. Explain that the way they're talking about sexual relationships is making you uncomfortable, and that's making it difficult for you to enjoy other aspects of the RP. You don't need to justify why, the why doesn't matter (and if anyone asks "why?" tell them that; the why does not matter). What matters is that it is making you uncomfortable, and it is negatively impacting your engagement.

 

If you're not comfortable being straight-up like that you can always ask your boyfriend to broach the topic for you. "Look guys, I've had a couple different people come to me saying that the way we're talking about sex is making them uncomfortable, and that's not what we're here for, so lets dial things back and lay out some ground rules".

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uhtred

I have been DM'g games since the concept was invented, (don't think too hard about a bunch of old men and women sitting around a table playing D&D....

 

Gaming groups need to agree on the style of games and find something that everyone enjoys. There are many dimensions to this:  Silly vs serious,  violent vs cooperative, and as you seen the erotic "rating".  There are also always problems if people run incompatible characters.   Lots of ways to get things wrong. 

 

Sometimes there is no style of game that will please, or even be acceptable to everyone in the group.  That is unfortunate, but sometimes peoples ideas of fun are just too diverse .  More often the DM can be aware of everyone's interests, and try to have a game that provides fun for everyone, if not at the same time, but doesn't disturb anyone. Its difficult.

 

Sometimes talking helps.  One game (where i was player, not DM), we were pirates - and some of us were acting the way pirate would act.  A woman in the group told me that some of the things I was doing in character made her uncomfortable - so I stopped.  (its easy to get carried away with role-playing).

 

In my current group we have settled on it being fine to hint at things, but never any explicit description.  We describe orcs committing "unspeakable acts" which of course means we don't speak of them.  Players are free to assume what goes on in the love goddess's temple and what the "sacred objects" are, but its never described. 

 

Other groups might be comfortable with a different level of sexuality in games. 

 

 

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Remmirath

Assuming that you know these people fairly well (since you have a weekly game with them), I'd agree with the advice to let them know it's making you uncomfortable. It shouldn't be a problem for them to stop or at the very least cut back on this behaviour. If you do tell them and they outright refuse to change anything, it might be time to look for a new group.

 

You could also try starting a discussion about what you want the focus of your campaigns to be and work the 'less sex/don't be dismissive of women' stuff into that, but that works better if there are other compatibility issues that people have been having with the game.

 

Since you mentioned that you're one of the DMs of the group, a third option (especially if you're running separate games with separate characters) is to announce that your campaign isn't going to have any of that stuff in it. Or, more subtly, write a campaign where it simply won't happen.

 

Good luck!

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Ardoise

Personally, I would go join another group if I were you. A good DM can always find players.

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