Asexuality or Medical Problems?

[maximus]

Hello,

I am dating a girl who claims she is asexual, but I am doubting it. I'm not in denial or think she's lying, I just think it's something else - like a medical problem. Could anyone help? Here's the details:

First of all, she has told me many times that she was asexual (or better, she "thought" she was asexual) until she met me - how flattering. The fact that she's not asexual is evident - she is very sexual - believe me, she can move her body (not that asexuals can't move their body sexually... or can you? I apologise - I'm new to this asexuality thing)! Not only that, but she has initiated most - if not all - of our sexual acts.

Here's where the X-rated part comes in...

So the first time we had sex (a first for the both of us), it was QUICK. She told me to pull out almost immediately because it hurt so much - she was in excrutiating pain - I'll quote... "Oh my GOD that hurts so fuckin' bad!". I obviously respected this, thinking it was something to do with virginity. Later on that night I noticed there was a fair bit of blood on my bed. Again - a "virgin thing".

The second time was pretty much the same deal, so, respectfully, I asked for some answers. She told me that her body was really damaged from earlier experiences in her life, but she didn't want to talk about it at the moment (she was pretty emotionally destraught). She also told me that after our first time, she bled for 2 days strait... is this normal?! Or at least uncommon? Oh, and this time, she bled - but not nearly as long or as much.

So, a few days later we had a little talk about her body. Apparently she had some eating disorders earlier on in her life, and it has done some serious damage to her body. We agreed that we would keep trying to have sex, in hopes that the pain would eventually go away.

So earlier on tonight, needless to say, there was pain (but no blood... yay!). I pulled out, as usual, and we talked about it for a little while. She told me that she was asexual. But, man, to be honest, I really don't buy it. Something else she told me was that she never masturbates - for the sole reason of it giving her no pleasure. No matter what. This blew me away - she had never had an orgasm in her life!

Another thing - aparently it has hurt less and less every time.

I am very worried about my girlfriend - especially because she refuses to talk to her doctor about it because her doctor scares her or something. After tonight I decided that I would try and research as much as I could about it.

So does this sound like a case of asexuality, or is it a medical disorder?

Any help would be greatly, greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Max

PS

Something I should add is that she hates giving head. I mean, she'll do it - the first time she did it without me even asking or anything. And she will not let me cum in her mouth... not that I care - at all - but I just think that it's an important factor in determining her a/sexuality.

[jaybird721]

Certainly doesn't sound asexual. After all, asexuality is whether or not you're sexually attracted to other people, not whether or not you enjoy certain sexual acts, feel pain, fear sex, or whatever. It's simply about the sexual attraction [or lack thereof], just as being homo-, hetero-, or bisexual isn't about whether or not you *can* have sex with either gender, it's about whether or not you're sexually attracted to them.

It really does sound like your girlfriend should find a doctor she trusts and talk to that person about this though! You should keep encouraging her to get checked out, because this sounds like a medical problem that could be serious [and at the very least highly inconvenient/unpleasant for both of you].

[maximus]

Thanks for reading/replying, it's definitely reassuring to hear that she probably isn't.

But...

Something I forgot to add was that while we were talking earlier tonight she told me that she has no sexual drive - the only reason she wanted to have sex was to be "close to me" and to make our relationship intimate.

But at the same time, from what I've read about asexuality is it seems as if sex is out of the question. Perhaps her lack of sexual drive is the fact that she's never had an orgasm?

...I think I'm getting somewhere with this

[EGAD!]

one thing to keep in mind is if a man or woman finds themself in a close relationship there can be a huge pressure/expectation to have sex even if the person doesn't want it.

So maybe she had sex because of fear of rejection.

Sounds like she does have a medical problem.

[jaybird721]

Something I forgot to add was that while we were talking earlier tonight she told me that she has no sexual drive - the only reason she wanted to have sex was to be "close to me" and to make our relationship intimate.

Some asexuals do compromise and have sex to make their partners happy.

I think we can all agree that she should get checked out for medical problems. The asexual bit she may need to figure out herself. Maybe you could show her this site and see if she identifies with the community?

[BunnyK.]

She should definitely talk to her doctor, I've never heard of anyone bleeding for 2 days, virgin or not.

*Sexually Explicit*

(no, really)

I can't say whether she's asexual or not, but there are a few things you can do to make sure that she's having the most comfortable experience possible. I'm sure you're trying a few of these already, but if not you can incorporate them and they will help.

First of all, invest in some lube. You can pick up some at walgreens or wherever...it's usually next to the condom aisle. Having proper lubrication is KEY to a good sex experience. If she's not wet, it's going to hurt her no matter what.

Another thing that REALLY helps is making sure that you enter very slowly. Give her time to get used to you a little bit at a time.

If you want her to have an orgasm, make sure you're paying attention to the clitoris (even during intercourse). I personally find contact with it kind of painful unless..again..you have lube. Oral sex on her is a wonderful thing too. ;) Of course, if she doesn't have much sex drive then she may not be into that.

[Rabger]

Something else she told me was that she never masturbates - for the sole reason of it giving her no pleasure. No matter what. This blew me away - she had never had an orgasm in her life!

...

Something I should add is that she hates giving head. I mean, she'll do it - the first time she did it without me even asking or anything. And she will not let me cum in her mouth... not that I care - at all - but I just think that it's an important factor in determining her a/sexuality.

A few things. She may be asexual, she may not. You haven't mentioned anything about her attraction or desire level. The desire sounds pretty low, but keep in mind that sexual desire is NOT the same thing as a sex drive. Having no sex drive might be a medical condition (though it doesn't have to be). Having no sexual desire is unlikely to be a medical condition, I think. Though, stress and depression has been known to sort of put someone's desire on hold, that doesn't make them asexual, it just means they have other stuff on their minds and they don't feel good. Its like who wants to have sex when they're sick as hell, right? Anyway, what does she mean when she uses the word asexual? Not everyone goes by the def we here on AVEN use.

Also, I'm not entirely sure what the big deal is about her having never masturbated. So? Not everyone does. Not even all sexuals. And if her drive is very low, why bother? That has nothing to do with her possible orienation. Nor does the giving head thing. I know many hetero-sexual women that absolutely hate it, often refusing to do it. That doesn't make them asexual. I actually think a lot of women don't like doing that. Hell, I even know a few MEN that don't like receiving. Doesn't make their orientation one thing or another.

Having discussed this a bit with a sexual friend of mine to get a little info, sex can often be painful, especially a first time and the times after. This is quite common. It also depends on how its done, obviously certain ways can make it worse (I'm not asking for details though, I'm just making you aware). Some men don't "warm up" women enough before they penetrate them, which causes pain and discomfort. Even if they do arouse them enough, sometimes they then just jump right into the penis penetration. I'm sure a guy's size probably has something to do with it also. But I was told that just sticking something of size in, no matter how aroused, is very uncomfortable. Slow stretching is a lot better than just stuffing something in there. Then there is the comfort level. First times and shortly after aren't usually really relaxed and confident. I've heard plenty of stories about women not really liking sex for a while, and slowly starting to enjoy it, but taking years to be able to reach orgasm. Many women can't orgasm at all during intercourse. That's rather common.

Now that I have to burn my fingers with acid for even talking about that, ick, either way she has some physical issues, though not necessarly a medical problem. A severe eating disorder could possibly cause damage, though I don't know enough about that to go on. Bleeding could be caused by being too rough, her not being ready physically, the hymen tearing, hitting something while inside, etc. If she's very tense I'm sure that wouldn't make things any easier either.

She could be hiding behind the asexual thing or she could be telling the truth. Only she would really know that. Her starting the sex stuff doesn't mean anything. This society is so hellbent on saying that to have a serious, meaningful relationship you HAVE to have sex, many people do so in order to try and have this serious relationship even when they don't want the sex to start with. People also have sex because they think if they don't, they could lose the person they're with. Or think they have to be "normal."

[maximus]

The first thing I have to say is how impressed I am with the reply's. I'm incredibly greatful for all of your comments.

I think the pain thing is more natural than I previously thought. She is a very small girl, and yesterday when we were talking about it she said it was like "sticking something too big into something too small".

Another thing, stress and depression are a HUGE part of her life. I don't understand it entirely but I know that those two words take up a lot of her time... if that makes sense.

I think I may have misworded myself earlier - she has masturbated, but it did nothing for her - litterally. Is this natural?

In reply to BunnyK. : Lube sounds like a good idea, although she's always wet when I, well, you know... "enter". And yeah, believe me, I go slowly. And she has told me directly that oral sex is something she doesn't want.

A lot of this is starting to make more sense, and I think I'm almost at the point where I can cross asexuality off of her "list". I say this because I know her pretty well, and I know sex is something she wants - I can just tell.

Thanks for everyone's comments, I've learned a lot.

[Rabger]

I think I may have misworded myself earlier - she has masturbated, but it did nothing for her - litterally. Is this natural?

I think it is. I mean especially for women, I think a sexual mindset (even if alone) takes more than just physical stimulation. Meaning either emotional or in cases like this, mental work such as fantasy or something. I also have the unfortunate knowledge (damn sexual friends!) of knowing that there are different ways to do it and certain ways work better for different people. Some people just don't get enough by manual contact, for example, and prefer a vibrator, while for others this is too much. Also, I know for a rock solid fact that even sexual men can't always masturbate. I know this one case in particular where a hetero-sexual man that is physical capable of sex, just doesn't get any where with masturbation. I would think if you're more into sex because of sexual desire instead of more sex drive, that masturbation just wouldn't satisfy the desire enough to really do anything.

[JokeyFairbobbin]

For my incredibly rude first thoughts- I think she has more pressing issues than her asexuality.

But for less opinonated thoughts- Eating disorders can REALLY mess up one's body. REALLY. What with the low weight and the malnutrition and the emotional trauma associated... I think it has more effects than anyone knows. And it never hurts to talk to a doctor about such things.

[sunset]

Okay, I think I'm responding late, but I'm new, so I just read this thread. I have to say that I would suspect early sexual abuse. Perhaps she was born sexual, but had some pretty bad experiences. This could be causing symptoms as her trauma is re-experienced. And, frankly, she may not even remember the trauma at this moment.

I am a survivor myself, and have to say that early abuse can really do a number on someone. I've been sexual myself, but now have a huge aversion to anything sexual or romantic.

[Santana]

Sometimes women just have problems with health (low libido). I couldn't have orgasms until I met my husband. He maid his best to reassure me in my asexuality. Diets, exercises and supplements helped too. Exercise on jam and Sentia pills were most helpful.

[Erita]

Hi Maximus,

I see that your post is over a month old, so I don't know if you're still looking for information, but there is an excellent article on this very topic at Scarleteen right now (excellent sex education website, BTW, though like most, very little about Asexuality). Hope it helps!

http://www.scarleteen.com/sexuality/owtowow.html