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lanxi

Hello friends!!

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lanxi

Hello everyone

This is my very first post on this forum and I'm really happy to be here! I've noticed there's a custom of offering a welcome cake but guess what, I'm coming with my own cake for you all :)

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And now.. I decided to sign up here because I am suspecting I may be ace/gray ace/demisexual. I guess figuring out which one I am is the hard part... so it would be awesome if you guys could give me your opinion [if you are able to read through it all, I will try to keep it short!]

I am 23 years old, female, and I recently discovered the term demisexual and I felt like everything just clicked. But then I started digging more and I am not sure about anything anymore!

I don't even know where to start, to be honest. When I was in school, I always wanted to have a boyfriend for the sake of holding hands and all that cheesy stuff - that was when I was around 12 though, and it never happened, back then. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18 but I never doubted my sexuality (always thought I was 100% heterosexual).

Then, with the first boyfriend.. After some time of dating he said he would be ready to have sex with me and I felt absolutely disgusted by this idea (which actually made me feel awkward because he was my boyfriend in the end). We never got to the point of having sex and even with the "innocent" things we did, I can't say I was super excited about it, I actually felt really uncomfortable but I thought I was just shy. Then I had another boyfriend with whom I ended up having sex but I feel like it was the social construction that pushed me to do it, and a bit of curiosity. What was weird was that sometimes I would actually feel repulsed by the thought of having sex with him and I never REALLY enjoyed it, I just did it because that's what couples do, I thought back then.. and again, I never took the full pleasure out of it, I always felt uncomfortable about it. I read the "possible signs of asexuality" which I found here and this quote describes me best "focus on motions, not emotions" (while having sex)

And why did I start doubting that I am demisexual? because when I look back at those 2 relationship I feel like I had never been sexually attracted to any of my boyfriends, even when I got to know them. I would do all the things that couples usually do but it never really felt great.

That's about my relationships.. and now, I realised I stand out from our group of friends a lot - whenever we go out people just go on and make out with each other whilst I don't even think about that, I am just enjoying the music and all that. And when I look at others making out, I feel really disgusted by the thought it could be me.

I read quite a lot and some examples made me think I am demi/gray ace.. like the other day my friends were discussing which actor they'd hook up with and I was so lost, I literally couldn't come up with any answer. Next thing, I feel extremely awkward when people try to flirt with me - also, if it's a person that is good looking and I could potentially date, if he has any second intentions, I right away stop liking him, even as friends. Also.. another completely random thing I came across when I was doing some research about asexuality (please people don't laugh but I actually laughed at myself a little) - when I saw my ex boyfriend's penis for the first time I didn't feel aroused, I didn't think OH MY THAT'S HOT - the only think that came to my mind was "oh, so that's what it really looks like. interesting." not attractive at all!

on the other hand, I can't say I don't have any libido... I do, and I am okay dealing with it myself. and sometimes I feel quite horny, especially around my period but I can never think of anyone who I would have sex with, which reminds me of another comparison I found.. when you're hungry, you open the fridge and you see food but you can't see anything you actually want to eat. that's how I feel, pretty much

I was really trying to keep this post short but it's really hard to be concise on this topic.. many thanks to everyone who managed to get through my chaotic thoughts and I would really appreciate every single comment!

ps. I really hope I didn't break any rules in terms of the words I used, I never speak to anyone about this kind of stuff and English is not my first language so please forgive me any inappropriateness! :)

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Chocolatedevil00

That is one elegant looking cake. Would you like some cake too?

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Little Bear

Hello and welcome! :)🍰

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MichaelTannock

@lanxi Welcome to AVEN!

 

It sounds like you might be Asexual rather than Demisexual.

You might find this post helpful if you haven't read it already,

 

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Lichley

Welcome! Asexuals can have a libido, it’s just natural arousal in response to a stimuli rather than attraction towards a specific person though. 

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calliealaina

Hi and welcome! 🧁 This is a wonderful community, I hope you love it here! 

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Homer

Hi and welcome :)

 

Thank you for signing up and sharing a bit about yourself! You've come to the right place - this is a great community with lots of friendly and supportive people from all over the planet! A lot of us will be able to relate to your thoughts and feelings.

Personally I'm not a huge fan of "labels"; to me all is well as long as you're happy and content with who you are and what you feel - regardless of what it's called. However if that doesn't quite cut it, Questions About Asexuality provides a nice overwiev of the basics behind the concept. You might want to have a peek at The Grey Area, where people from all across the sexuality spectrum gather to talk about their experiences. Maybe there's something that resonates with you? Then there is Asexual Musings And Rantings, which is full of oh so relatable experiences...

 

Take your time to read and explore the forums and if you have a question, ask away! I hope you'll enjoy being a part of AVEN :)

 

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