Asexuality or Sexual Avoidance?

[K9DMM]

So the trials and tribulations of my relationship with a sexual girlfriend continue. Add to the mix that I'm an Aspie and she's an NT.

I've talked about it before, but I'll summarize. In my teens sex was the next part of growing up so of course I had to have it. It was 'meh. I thought if I got better and more skilled something would change and I would enjoy it more. It quickly became a relationship chore and as I got older I learned to enjoy being single and not having the pressure to have sex.

Growing up I wasn't diagnosed as an Aspie so I learned to mask. Masking my true feelings about sex also happened and I would talk the talk, but avoid the walk when I could. Not knowing I was an Aspie or likely asexual it was a bit confusing.

Now, enter current GF. She is head over heals, probably obsessed in love with me. I love her too and feel we're a good match overall. Except the bedroom. She has linked sex to intimacy to the point that the only intimacy is sexual. It's required, no other options. So I'm the broken one who needs to be fixed. She is refusing to accept that I may be asexual and is convinced that I have sexual avoidance disorder. And a disorder can be fixed...

I was never sexually abused, nor have I had any negative sexual experiences. My parents divorced and it was one for the record books, so I don't have a primary role model for a stable, intimate relationship, but my grandparents were married over 70 years and I've known others who have been married and intimate for a long time. So... Who knows...

I'm looking for input, links, information, anecdotes, etc. We're all unique, so at the end of the day the only one who can say what I am is me. I'm just trying to make sense of it all.

Thanks,
David

[TheAP]

You could be asexual. It's always okay to say no to sex if you don't want it. A lack of interest in sex is not something that needs to be fixed.

[Philip027]

A "partner" that tried to talk over me in dictating who I am would be out on the curb.

[Sally]

Asexuality is an orientation.  You don't "fix" it, any more than you fix being a sexual.  

 

If you try to become something you're not, or fix something that isn't broken, both of you will be miserable.  You need to have an honest conversation with her about her refusal to understand that how you feel is as important as how she feels.  If she can't understand that, then the relationship isn't going to work.  Love doesn't conquer basic differences.