kilominata

I need help/questions

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kilominata

Hello, I found out this site just today by some nice article on net and it helped me a lot! but I wanted to ask a few questions, and maybe ask for help because I have some problems with myself. First of all I think I should introduce myself, I am Peter, currently 21yrs old, living in Poland (so I am sorry about my shit english, not my native language) from being teenager I had problems with myself, I never felt into girls, thikning that maybe I will when I grow up. While being 17-18yrs I found out that I really do not enjoy girls like other guys, I was scared that there is something wrong with me and maybe that I am gay (people were accusing me of that) but I never felt into boys as well... Still living in my thoughs about that it will came with age etc, I wasn't feeling bad for that, yet I was scared and didn't knew what to do. Many of my friends turned out of me because they were sure I am gay and I just do not want to tell them, but it wasn't like that and I couldn't understand that and I couldn't explain that. I was living with myself but I was sad that I am broken, I am useless, not like other people and that there is something wrong with me. I told it to my few close friends and they all were like "someday you will find this one person and you will be okay" but I felt like I will never... Finally, found a nice article that lead me to this site, I was thinking if I should type it here or not... But I feel like I have to because I still can't understand myself, I am not feeling into sexual at all, nobody ever made me to have feels like this. but I still like people by romantic, I would love to be happy with somebody, be in a nice relationship, share my life with somebody and live happy life, but I can't understand why I am like that, yet today I learned that I am probably an asexual person because I define with many things to it but I need to ask a few questions, because I still can't leave with myself.

Is it possible to live normal life like that, be in happy relationship without sex and be happy?

Is it possible to force yourself to enjoy (like at least?) any sexuality? I feel like I am totally not into it.. I never felt any sex desire in my life...

Should I go to therapist? because I feel like... people are hurting, like, I almost everyday hear that "you must be a gay" or "go take some bitches and you will be alright" but I know I will never be... and people can't understand that... I decided to not tell it to anybody, because mostly people will never understand that (only like 3-4 of close friends know that but...) 

I hope I made a topic in good section and I hope it will be understandable even with my bad english :< I wish you all nice day! And I hope you are all happy with your lives, I hope I will find a nice people here which maybe help me... help me understand myself I guess? 

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MichaelTannock

@kilominata Welcome to AVEN!

 

14 minutes ago, kilominata said:

Is it possible to live normal life like that, be in happy relationship without sex and be happy?

Yes, it is possible, but it's slightly more difficult because Asexuals are a minority.

 

16 minutes ago, kilominata said:

Should I go to therapist? because I feel like... people are hurting, like, I almost everyday hear that "you must be a gay" or "go take some bitches and you will be alright" but I know I will never be... and people can't understand that... I decided to not tell it to anybody, because mostly people will never understand that (only like 3-4 of close friends know that but...) 

Yes, it sounds like you need someone to talk to, but you should be careful choosing a therapist because many don't believe Asexuality is real.

 

18 minutes ago, kilominata said:

I hope I made a topic in good section and I hope it will be understandable even with my bad english :< I wish you all nice day! And I hope you are all happy with your lives, I hope I will find a nice people here which maybe help me... help me understand myself I guess? 

Yes, I believe you posted this in the right section, and the community here is a supportive and informative one.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

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lonelyace

Since you described not having any interest in guys or girls in any way, it sounds to me like you might be aromantic as well as asexual. It might be a good idea to look into that as well as asexuality and see if anything fits.

 

Yes it is possible to have a happy relationship without sex, and plenty of people have done it. (The success stories thread is great for reassurance.) It will be more difficult to find someone who his happy with little to no sex, but there are asexuals and sexuals alike who are willing to be in a relationship like that.

 

Just like no gay conversion therapy can make a gay person straight, there is no conversion therapy that has been found to make an asexual person suddenly develop sexual attraction. However, this doesn't mean that asexual people can't have sex, or that they don't have the same physical sensation that sexual people have. Some asexuals do have sex for the benefit of their significant other. Some even enjoy it, they simply don't have a drive to initiate sex. Other asexuals don't like sex at all. That's something that you will have to figure out for yourself.

 

It would be a good idea to go to a therapist and work through your feelings, but I would caution you against going to just any therapist. I  would advise researching therapists before you pick one to find one that's LGBT+ friendly. Not all therapists believe that asexuality is real, simply because there just isn't enough education about our orientation.

 

As for coming out, that's your choice. You don't have to come out if you don't feel confident. But if you ever do come to a place where you feel confident about your sexuality (or lack thereof) coming out can be incredibly freeing. But only do that if it's safe for you to do so.

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Koning
30 minutes ago, kilominata said:

Is it possible to force yourself to enjoy (like at least?) any sexuality?

No, you can't force yourself to enjoy it. If there was a means for me to be able to enjoy it, I would've probably used it a long time ago. If there is something about sexual activity you can enjoy, it's already a part of you. 

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kilominata
3 minutes ago, lonelyace said:

Since you described not having any interest in guys or girls in any way, it sounds to me like you might be aromantic as well as asexual. It might be a good idea to look into that as well as asexuality and see if anything fits.

To Be Honest, I still like.. let's say, I can like a girl, buy her flowers, say that she's looking beautiful, that I can take her for let's say date (coffee/etc) but I would only enjoy spending time, care and love the person but yet, wouldn't turn to do some sexual stuff... I read about romantic asexuals, and I think I might tell I am the one like that, And thanks for cake!! I love cakes :D

 

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lonelyace
3 minutes ago, kilominata said:

To Be Honest, I still like.. let's say, I can like a girl, buy her flowers, say that she's looking beautiful, that I can take her for let's say date (coffee/etc) but I would only enjoy spending time, care and love the person but yet, wouldn't turn to do some sexual stuff... I read about romantic asexuals, and I think I might tell I am the one like that, And thanks for cake!! I love cakes :D

 

Okay, my apologies. Obviously you know yourself better than I know you. Also, in your original comment you apologized for your English. Don't worry, it's completely understandable. I wish I could speak another language as well as you speak English.

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Wasaaaabi

Hi! Welcome to AVEN! English isn't my first language as well..😅

 

Would you like some ace cake?

 

pride_in_baked_goods_by_meralia-d6afgsv.

 

Hope you enjoy it here😊

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Celyn

You've done a great job of figuring out your identity as probably a romantic ace, it's horrible that the people around you aren't accepting of that. But at least you have a community here on AVEN!

We're planning our annual meeting in Urtrecht in August, so if you're feeling isolated that might be something to look forward to if you can make it, to meet loads of people who feel the same way! (I'll try to link that thread).

 

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kilominata

@Celyn I wish I had friends like you, sadly I do not, I do not even have anybody to talk in my place... if I will be able to attend the meeting, I am up for it! Wish to talk and spend time with people like you, and yes I am feeling isolated... wish to find a love with care and happines, but yet, everybody nowdays wants sex so bad... I was dating one girl few months ago, and when she tried to let's say start something sensitive into sex and I said to her I do not want sex and I am asexual she instantly shouted at me that I am lying to her or I was raped when I was a children, and she left my house with hitting the door... I felt so sad and bad by that time :(

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Celyn

Ugh that's awful. I hope Asexual Awareness week starts making a difference over there.

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lanxi

Hello @kilominata!

 

I'm from Poland too and I also recently discovered that I may be asexual! It's really sad how our society is constructed and how everything revolves around sex... I experienced this myself, especially in high school when people started to go on dates and I was just there, wanting to be with someone and at the same time feeling repulsed by the thought of sex, being asked all the time why I am still single...

 

So don't worry, I'm glad you came across this term and I hope it will help you figure out yourself. Remember that there are people out there feeling exactly like you, so don't try to change it, just embrace it!

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Tunes

It definitely sounds like you are a romantic asexual (like me~!). And yes, it is very possible to have a fulfilling, loving relationship without sex. I have one of those, in fact, so real living proof! XD

 

You can't force yourself to enjoy sex if you just don't enjoy it. I do recommend you try out some light stuff with a partner at some point - move slow, stop when it gets uncomfortable, just to explore and see what you do and do not like. But make sure that your partner is also ok with the idea of going without sex. It makes a very bad relationship if one person needs sex and the other person just can't enjoy it. Both partners are miserable. So that's the only part that can be hard - finding someone else who is asexual that you fall in love with. 

 

As for therapy, it doesn't sound like you need it to me. It sounds like the only thing that bothers you about it is how other people react. A therapist cannot change your orientation - if you are just naturally not interested in sex, then there is nothing a therapist can do to help you. But if you went through some kind of abuse and are scared of having sex - you want to, but can't because it scares or disgusts you - THAT'S when you should be thinking about therapy. If you just aren't interested, then you're probably just asexual. :cake: 

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