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JKnight

Wondering about Demisexuality

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JKnight

Hi everyone,

Completely new to the forum, nice to meet y'all. I ended up here after reading a lot of articles/watching a lot of videos about asexuality and demisexuality. Posting here because though I identified with a lot of what I heard about demisexuality I'm really worried about appropriating a label/culture that isn't really mine.

There's this article in particular that had me identifying very strongly: https://www.bustle.com/articles/155277-what-does-demisexual-mean-here-are-6-signs-that-you-may-identify-as-demisexual.

Now, I'm 27, and though I've identified as a cis het guy for all my life it wasn't usually a straighforward thing. As an early teenager, for example, I considered whether I might not be repressing an attraction for men because I simply did not feel about girls in the same way other boys did. This changed when I was 15 and met the girl who would become my first (and only) girlfriend. We were friends for 9 months before we started dating, and it took my getting a hug from her after I gave her a birthday gift for me to realize she had breasts (there was something between us I wasn't expecting, so to put it). We proceeded to date for 8 years, and throughout that period we developed sexually together, and I very much enjoyed sex with her.

That's part of the problem for me, though, because it feels weird for me to think of myself as demisexual/falling under the asexual umbrella when for such an extended period of time I was very happy being quite sexually active. That being said, during the relationship I did not feel sexual attraction towards other people. So for most of my life I had no feelings, and then for this girl I had all the feelings, and they only got stronger over the years.

We broke up a bit over 3 years ago, and since then I've found the romantic/sexual aspect of life very challenging. The only actual contact I have had since then has been making out with a girl once at a club. She was very pretty and quite nice, but when she invited me back to "crash at her place" I said no. It took me until the next morning to realize she might have meant that in any sense other than the literal.

I've also had a fair number (7, I think) of serious crushes in this time period, always with friends I had known for a few months, and with whom I've stayed close friends with despite revealing my feelings and being turned down. At the time of the crush, they always feel like the only person I could possibly be interested in. People have often told me I need to be less friendly and more seductive, more "like a man", yet when I hear that I panic because I've no concept of what that would even look like.

Online dating, particularly apps like Tinder, also don't work for me. When I used it, I tended to swipe left a lot, often out of a fear of leading the person on. When I did swipe right, I usually ended up caring too much if they would swipe back and so would stop swiping for the day.

I'm sorry if this all sounds like I'm definitely not demisexual, but it's exactly because I don't quite know what I'm talking about that I'm here. On the one hand, I have had quite a bit of libido, and seem to develop more crushes than is normal for a demisexual. On the other, all of these crushes have been on friends, and I've often found the way other people talk about "hot people" very alienating. Similarly with people saying "I need to get laid" or describing being horny. I remember the feeling from when I was dating my ex, but I haven't felt it since. Though I do masturbate, I can only do it with either memories of my ex, or else with some imaginary person I make up a story for. Regular porn videos generally weird me out, and even with photos there's only one actress that actually works for me. I find it impossible to do it imagining people I know, including the aforementioned crushes. (Too much detail...?)

tl:dr: Specially in these past 3 years I've often felt like a freak because of how I feel (or don't) for people, and I guess now that I've read up on demisexuality a lot of it has rung true to me, but I don't always fit the mold and so I'm wondering what's actually going on there. Your expertise and opinions would be much appreciated :)

 

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MichaelTannock

@JKnight Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'd say you do sound Demisexual. Moreover, I think you should use the label if you feel it describes you, and don't worry about appropriating a label.
No one here would think badly of you if you identify as Demisexual, even if you found out later that you weren't, especially if you feel it describes you now.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

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lonelyace

It's completely understandable to be worried about appropriating labels. However, if you feel that a label fits you use it. No one else can tell you how you feel, we can only offer an outsider's perspective. So if you feel that there's a word that helps you understand yourself, use it. It's okay if the labels that you use change in the future. Things change sometimes, and that doesn't negate the way that you felt in the past. You're demisexual now. Maybe years down the road you'll still identify with that, and that's great. Maybe years down the road you'll identify with something different, and that's great too. Sometimes the journey is just as important as the destination.

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StephyJ83

Hello! Your story is very much like mine. I am glad to have found this site where we can all find and support each other.

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St. Nyaaconix the II

Moved to The Gray Area, Sex and Related Discussions.

 

Phoenix the II,

Questions about Asexuality co-moderator.

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JKnight

Hey, everyone! Thank you for your responses. Sorry for having posted on the wrong part of the forum, will try and do better in the future. Guess I appreciate the idea that if I feel the label describes me I can use it, it's just that as a white cis het male (even if perhaps a demisexual one), I'm fairly wary of appropriating minority experiences and so on. But I guess discovering this label has made me feel like less of an aberration, and like it's fine for me to not have control over who I'm attracted to (and when).

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St. Nyaaconix the II

@JKnight Oh no worries, it's ok :D. 

 

Welcome to AVEN! :cake: :cake: 

 

Yea, labels can help to feel like what describes you best... But remember you are the one who knows you best... And don't be afraid that if you pick one... That you're stuck with it. :) 

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roland.o

Hello and welcome, @JKnight :D:cake:

 

What you describe is very much in line with my understanding of demisexuality. If you feel that the label describes you, then go with it and see where that takes you. And if you ever feel that it no longer describes you, or that another label describes you better, just change it :D

 

All the best to you... :cake::cake::cake:

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Ficto.
6 hours ago, JKnight said:

Hey, everyone! Thank you for your responses. Sorry for having posted on the wrong part of the forum, will try and do better in the future. Guess I appreciate the idea that if I feel the label describes me I can use it, it's just that as a white cis het male (even if perhaps a demisexual one), I'm fairly wary of appropriating minority experiences and so on. But I guess discovering this label has made me feel like less of an aberration, and like it's fine for me to not have control over who I'm attracted to (and when).

There's actually a lot of debate here as to whether demisexual is actually asexual or just a variant of sexuality. So you could actually still identify as cis het demisexual or whatever without even bringing asexuality into if that felt more comfortable? All it means is you need time for a bond to develop before you can desire sexual intimacy with someone, and don't desire sexual intimacy outside of that bond. Regardless of whether one would call that asexual or not, the label demisexual does still describe that experience :)

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MLJ
11 hours ago, Ficto. said:

There's actually a lot of debate here as to whether demisexual is actually asexual or just a variant of sexuality. So you could actually still identify as cis het demisexual or whatever without even bringing asexuality into if that felt more comfortable? All it means is you need time for a bond to develop before you can desire sexual intimacy with someone, and don't desire sexual intimacy outside of that bond. Regardless of whether one would call that asexual or not, the label demisexual does still describe that experience :)

Since demisexuality is supposed to fall somewhere between sexual and asexual it would make sense that some demisexuals would identify more with the sexual side of the spectrum and some with the asexual side. A lot of people who say they are demisexuals sound like sexuals (i.e. people who seek out sexual connections with others) who just need an emotional bond to feel sexual attraction.

 

I think the term fits me, but I identify more with the asexual side. And that's because most of the time I really have zero interest in sex, either sex on my own or with other people. I seem to be missing whatever it is that drives most people to make romantic and sexual connections with other people - and that's because I mostly don't ever make romantic or sexual connections with anyone. I've had a handful of short relationships (all negative experiences) and I was married once (a huge mistake, and my lack of interest in sex was a problem from the beginning). I'd probably just consider myself asexual except that I have had a couple of instances where I did feel definite sexual attraction - and in both cases they were to people I felt a strong emotional connection to. It's maybe telling that in neither case was the person "available" and the attraction was all entirely in my head. I think if I did meet an appropriate (and available) person who I felt an emotional connection to that I could develop a "normal" sexual attraction - and romantic/sexual relationship - with the person. But I don't know for certain because it is has never happened before. So that's why I think of myself as a demisexual ace.

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Ficto.
4 minutes ago, MLJ said:

I think if I did meet an appropriate (and available) person who I felt an emotional connection to that I could develop a "normal" sexual attraction - and romantic/sexual relationship - with the person.  But I don't know for certain because it is has never happened before. So that's why I think of myself as a demisexual ace.

Again, it all depends on one's personal interpretations of said definitions. I feel exactly the same as what you've said here but because of that, I know that makes me sexual and not ace. I've only had one in-person relationship that lasted 5 years but I never wanted or desired sex during it, and ever since then (that was 7 years ago now) I've been physically celibate by choice. I've developed the right kind of mental/emotional connection with a couple of people online during that time and those feelings gave me the ability to desire sexual intimacy with those people, but I never met them to actually test those feelings out.

 

Despite not having been able to 'test' my occasional desire out physically I'm still aware that under the right circumstances, eventually, if I ever met 'the right person' in my physical life, I could potentially, possibly, have a relatively 'normal' sexual relationship with them. That's how I know I'm not any kind of asexual, even though I assumed I was for many years previously before I first developed that kind of connection that gave me the ability to desire sexual intimacy. 

 

So, we have pretty much exactly the same overall experience and are using the same definitions for certain terms, yet to me, my experience makes me sexual and to you, your very similar experience makes you asexual.

 

It's a funny world we live in :P

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MLJ
On 12/5/2018 at 12:59 AM, Ficto. said:

Again, it all depends on one's personal interpretations of said definitions. I feel exactly the same as what you've said here but because of that, I know that makes me sexual and not ace. I've only had one in-person relationship that lasted 5 years but I never wanted or desired sex during it, and ever since then (that was 7 years ago now) I've been physically celibate by choice. I've developed the right kind of mental/emotional connection with a couple of people online during that time and those feelings gave me the ability to desire sexual intimacy with those people, but I never met them to actually test those feelings out.

 

Despite not having been able to 'test' my occasional desire out physically I'm still aware that under the right circumstances, eventually, if I ever met 'the right person' in my physical life, I could potentially, possibly, have a relatively 'normal' sexual relationship with them. That's how I know I'm not any kind of asexual, even though I assumed I was for many years previously before I first developed that kind of connection that gave me the ability to desire sexual intimacy. 

 

So, we have pretty much exactly the same overall experience and are using the same definitions for certain terms, yet to me, my experience makes me sexual and to you, your very similar experience makes you asexual.

 

It's a funny world we live in :P

I've read some of the things you posted, and I do think you sound a lot like me. :) But there are obviously some differences if you feel like a sexual person and I don't.

 

And I suppose one of the reasons why I consider my asexual is that if I'm a "sexual," then I am completely and totally f*cked up, lol. I absolute suck at being a sexual. I don't engage in any sort of sexual activity, I don't pursue any sort of sexual relationships, and there are absolutely no sexual activities that I enjoy. If I'm a "sexual" person, then I must be using a huge amount of psychological energy to stamp down all the sexual feelings I ought to be having and that most people seem to experience. When I was younger, I did think that I was "broken" and that there was something with me. But I'm older now - and I just really don't think there's anything wrong with me. I'm a pretty normal, mostly emotionally healthy person, and while I am a loner, I am quite capable of being emotionally open and intimate with people when I want to be. I don't think I'm repressing all the sexual energy that as a "sexual" I ought to be feeling. So yeah, for me to say I'm a "sexual" person would essentially be saying I'm psychologically screwed up, and I just really don't think I am. :)

 

(And just to be clear, what I am saying here is not intended to have any bearing on anyone else. I am 100% looking solely at *my* behavior and *my* feelings and feeling like, if I'm *supposed* to be a "sexual" person, then something would have to be really wrong with me. It is not in any way intended to be a commentary on anyone else, on the off chance that someone might take it that way and get offended. It is the reason why I am choosing to identify as asexual, even though someone with similar experiences might identify themselves differently.)

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Ficto.
4 minutes ago, MLJ said:

I've read some of the things you posted, and I do think you sound a lot like me. :) But there are obviously some differences if you feel like a sexual person and I don't.

 

And I suppose one of the reasons why I consider my asexual is that if I'm a "sexual," then I am completely and totally f*cked up, lol. I absolute suck at being a sexual. I don't engage in any sort of sexual activity, I don't pursue any sort of sexual relationships, and there are absolutely no sexual activities that I enjoy. If I'm a "sexual" person, then I must be using a huge amount of psychological energy to stamp down all the sexual feelings I ought to be having and that most people seem to experience. When I was younger, I did think that I was "broken" and that there was something with me. But I'm older now - and I just really don't think there's anything wrong with me. I'm a pretty normal, mostly emotionally healthy person, and while I am a loner, I am quite capable of being emotionally open and intimate with people when I want to be. I don't think I'm repressing all the sexual energy that as a "sexual" I ought to be feeling. So yeah, for me to say I'm a "sexual" person would essentially be saying I'm psychologically screwed up, and I just really don't think I am. :)

 

(And just to be clear, what I am saying here is not intended to have any bearing on anyone else. I am 100% looking solely at *my* behavior and *my* feelings and feeling like, if I'm *supposed* to be a "sexual" person then something must be really wrong with me. It is not in any way intended to be a commentary on anyone else, on the off chance that someone might take it that way and get offended.)

Hah yes I think all that comes down to how you feel personally. I haven't physically had sex with anyone in over seven years now. I haven't actually even held hands with anyone, let alone done anything sexually intimate :P And even if I was to physically meet 'the right kind of person', I have a condition called vestibulodynia which means I can't actually enjoy it if someone stimulates my genitals :o So I will never be able to enjoy any form of 'normal' sex, haha. HOWEVER, I have met a couple of people in those 7 years online who I clicked with on a level that made me realise I can physically and emotionally desire sexual intimacy with them, and I explored that in an online capacity mostly through naughty emails and photos, haha. To me, my ability to desire and enjoy that when it happens is what makes me sexual, even though I have no actual drive to seek that kind of intimacy out or anything. I seriously don't care about it to any great degree, but if I happen to meet someone and click with them on 'that level' then sharing that sexual intimacy, even in a solely online capacity, can be pleasurable and rewarding for me. That's why I personally ID as sexual and not ace, even if from the outside I might look like any average asexual in that I haven't had sex in many years and have no drive to seek it out and don't care if I never have it again, haha!! Anyway gosh, I'm trying to write an email and keep getting distracted!! But I can see why you would personally prefer to ID as ace even though on the surface our experiences seem to be relatively similar ^_^ :cake: 

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anisotropic

To me, the concept of demisexuality would seem to describe the most dramatic difference between (most) sexual people and asexual people 

 

For (most) sexual people: love leads to sex. (For many, other things may lead to sex as well -- but love is a strong one, for many it is by far the strongest.) Thus, sexual rejection is experienced as not being loved.

 

For an asexual person, love doesn't lead to sex. Overtures for sexual intimacy are unlikely to make them feel loved, but instead stressed about pressure to do something they don't desire.

 

It seems to get at the heart of mismatch between the two, in a mixed relationship.

 

So the idea that demisexuality is "between" asexual and sexual has felt weird, because "demisexuality" seems to describe exactly where most ace/sexual relationships struggle.

 

I don't mean to invalidate identities when saying this, I hope it helps explain one reason for discomfort with an demisexual-as-ace-spectrum classification.

 

I think there's also some folks that are asexual but (much) more willing to compromise in the presence of love -- which makes sense, to only be willing to do something you don't personally desire, because someone you love wants it -- and as a result, they might identify as demisexual. But it's a way of saying that love/trust are essential to their willingness to have sex, despite not personally desiring it, with someone that wants it.

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roland.o
On 12/7/2018 at 1:08 PM, anisotropic said:

So the idea that demisexuality is "between" asexual and sexual has felt weird, because "demisexuality" seems to describe exactly where most ace/sexual relationships struggle.

As I understand demisexuality, before "the bond" is formed, a demisexual will feel like this:

On 12/7/2018 at 1:08 PM, anisotropic said:

Overtures for sexual intimacy are unlikely to make them feel loved, but instead stressed about pressure to do something they don't desire.

After the bond is formed, and a relationship established, they will feel like this:

On 12/7/2018 at 1:08 PM, anisotropic said:

love leads to sex. [...] Thus, sexual rejection is experienced as not being loved.

In a relationship where a demisexual experiences sexual attraction, they will feel and act as a sexual does. But getting there is significantly harder and will take much longer than for a sexual. Maybe so hard that a bond never forms, because potential sexual partners will give up and move on long before it happens. And that's why I consider demisexuality to be on the spectrum: there's a major incompatibility with sexuals when seeking relationships.

 

(I prefer to avoid the term "asexuality spectrum", because only a tiny part of it is asexuality.)

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Ficto.
30 minutes ago, roland.o said:

. And that's why I consider demisexuality to be on the spectrum: there's a major incompatibility with sexuals when seeking relationships.

But.. once in a relationship with someone you click with in the right ways then a demisexual is no different than any other sexual person who needs an emotional connection to be able to desire sexual intimacy.

 

Also, not all sexual people are immediately compatible with every other sexual person. Many need to feel the right kinds of emotions and to click in the right kind of way etc before wanting to go to bed with someone and even then, drives and preferences may differ.

 

It's not like sexuals who are dating are always automatically totally sexually compatible just because they both ID as sexual :o

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roland.o

@Ficto. In other words... it's complicated :D:cake:

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anisotropic
12 hours ago, roland.o said:

In a relationship where a demisexual experiences sexual attraction, they will feel and act as a sexual does. But getting there is significantly harder and will take much longer than for a sexual.

The way this is phrased treats "demisexual" as if it were not "sexual".

 

But this sounds like a reasonably common pattern in people. To say: "I just don't feel attracted to someone unless I know them well and feel love and trust" sounds reasonably common to me, especially as a female pattern of sexuality.

 

And yet I see posts that are using a phrase like "demi/asexual" as if they are... the same bundle??

 

Which looks bizarre. I'm sorry. But "demisexual" seems to be a pattern of emotions in relationships, it's saying, "I'm really very slow to warm up to people in this way, I'm not interested in or comfortable with intimacy without this". Yes, some people are like that. Dating approaches that demand "quick feelings" are just totally crap for a lot of people, if they need a lot more time to know someone, I get that this feels alienating or frustrating, but...?

 

It's... a bonding pattern, not a sexual orientation. One can be "slow to warm up" and... het or bi or homosexual. It's describing speed.

 

An asexual orientation isn't about speed. It won't change. It might even have an opposite pattern in behavior! If when "trying to be normal"... an asexual might mimic sexual behavior, but can't maintain it over time. It's so profoundly different.

 

And yet I'm seeing a ton of posts that use a phrase like "demi/asexual". 😕 The quote above treats this pattern as "not sexual", which honestly seems like it is ... miseducating people that "normal" sexuality is... "faster", and "less emotionally bonded"? Which wanders near a nasty stereotype of "other people" that can start to come of as elitism. "Oh, unlike sexuals, I have to really *care* about someone before I'm interested in sex."

 

In the meantime there's the asexual folks who will not -- cannot -- ever feel attraction. No amount of love and trust. It's just that they... don't. Can't. It's not a thing that will change.

 

And it seems they're getting lumped in with people that are "really slow to warm up".

 

That's pretty confusing. I would say it's extremely misleading. I would say that it is miseducating people about what "asexuality" is. Asexuality is nothing like that. It is not "slow to warm up".

 

As someone living with someone that loves me enormously and will never "warm up" like this, and I lived in a lot of unwitting pain for many years ... I find myself frustrated with what feels like a failure of community in the "asexuality visibility and education network" to clearly communicate here. It continues to seem like demisexuality is a sexual relationship pattern --  not a very unusual one to me. But this community has a ton of people saying that it's "like an asexual"  because they... "share some experiences in life"? Celibate sexuals can make similar claims, we don't call celibacy "asexual spectrum"... do we?

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roland.o
41 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

The way this is phrased treats "demisexual" as if it were not "sexual".

I should have written "regular sexual" or some such, to avoid this interpretation. I consider demisexual as sexual, but in the gray area, hence distinct from "regular sexual". Or allosexual, or "plain sexual", or "white sexual", or however one wants to phrase it. But definitely in the sexual area, NOT asexual.

 

Any attempts to define the distinction between "sexual" and "gray sexual" clearer easily lead into the territory of negations, which some people will find offensive, which leads to further definition debates. I'll refrain from that. Actually, I'm already beginning to regret having gotton into the current one :cake:

 

42 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

But this sounds like a reasonably common pattern in people.

Yes, with all the misunderstandings that come with it. That's why some people deny the validity of the label, while others toy with it as a fancy way of saying "I'd rather take things slowly". It's hard to distinguish where the reasonably common pattern ends and the distinct pattern begins. Kind of a gray area? 😉

 

51 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

And yet I see posts that are using a phrase like "demi/asexual" as if they are... the same bundle??

Not from me. But some people are less into definition debates and simply use labels that feel right to them.

 

53 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

It's... a bonding pattern, not a sexual orientation.

Yes, that's a good way to put it.

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Ficto.
7 hours ago, roland.o said:

I consider demisexual as sexual, but in the gray area, hence distinct from "regular sexual". Or allosexual, or "plain sexual", or "white sexual", or however one wants to phrase it. But definitely in the sexual area, NOT asexual.

But like @anisotropic said, this is a particularly common bonding pattern for females especially. Okay SOME women love quick fix dating and can (very happily) jump into bed with a man at the blink of an eye (and some men need a lot longer to feel comfortable with that) but it's quite common for female sexual desire and bonding to take longer than it does for the average man, and it's relatively common for a female to have no active desire to engage in partnered sex outside of that bond.

 

Which is why it feels alienating to sexuals (and sometimes they get mad too) hearing descriptions of something like this being either defined as 'asexual' or 'not regular/normal/common'. Your answer actually just seemed to hit the nail home, hah. So many people these days (including the media/Hollywood etc) base their ideas of normal sexuality around male sexuality. How males work sexually, and how males wish females worked sexually. This seems to have given people on AVEN the idea that that's how all normal humans work sexually and if you're not like that, you're somehow weird or wrong. You're an outcast. You're asexual. Or hey, at the very least you're not a 'normal' sexual who will look at something attractive and instantly want to jump into bed with it 😧

 

And yeah, that hurts. Even when I identified as ace it still hurt given all the women I've known (even girls who worked at the brothel with me) who felt alone and hurt and empty inside because while they knew they could open their legs to any many, claim him as their prize, they never got anything out of such encounters to the extent many of them just remained sexless (outside of work, which was a job. They felt the same way before they started working a job like that). They longed for a connection, that person they could love and adore and who could give them the same back. They knew that through that, sex could be something they could desire to experience as an aspect of that bond. But yeah.. without that, they just couldn't 'want' it. And forcing themselves to have it with 'dates' because they knew it was expected of them caused them to feel even more lonely and hurt. Many of these kinds of women eventually work out dating just isn't for them because it's impossible to meet someone you can truly connect to through the 'takeaways of the romantic world'. 

 

So what I'm saying is: there are still a lot of average sexual people who are unhappy and alone. Who can't want or even enjoy sex without that bond, and who have trouble forming that bond. To claim that being a normal sexual person entails you're happily able to easily hook up with whoever, that you don't experience loneliness and depression as a result of not being able to find someone you can truly bond with emotionally before it even gets to the point of sex, that you're able to want sex easily and enjoy it easily.. That's just hurtful to all the sexual people alive, all the millions and millions of them (many of them women) who just aren't like that. (That's also why it's so weird when we hear or people saying they're asexual but they love sex and easily fuck random people for the sheer joy of sex o_o .. when even many sexual females - and plenty of males too - just aren't capable of that. But that's a different topic entirely.)

 

It's like female sexuality has become the underdog in the asexual community. I remember a hypersexual female member talking about this a few years ago. It's like female sexuality is meaningless and unless you're sexual in the same way a male is sexual, you're some kind of ace. Or at the very least, you're not a 'normal sexual'. I'm not saying all women are like how me and @anisotropic are describing, it's just that many are. And some men too. And yeah, as someone with boobs.. it hurts. Even when I identified as ace it still hurt because of how many females out there I know have to deal with this shit, and the alienation that results. How painful it can be knowing you either have to give sex you don't want as the price of companionship or maybe just remain totally alone if you can't find that person you know you'll truly connect with on all the right levels; That one person who can give you the emotional feelings which, while wonderful in their own, take sex from a mere joyless act of opening your legs and waiting for it to be over to actual 'Lovemaking'. To a joyful, pleasurable, fun, rewarding intimate experience that you can actually want with that person.

 

I don't know, I've been listening to this for years and it never changes. People (myself included) have demanded updates to the 'offical info' provided about normal sexuality, begged, promised to help. But nothing ever changes. We're still stuck with this shitty, incorrect info that paints all 'normal sexuals' or 'allosexuals' as these rather shallow and easily satisfied creatures that get all horny when whey they see someone attractive and as a result of that arousal can automatically enjoy fucking that person even if they don't know them that well. I've even had aces try to tell me that the ones who need to wait still secretly desire a lot more sex than they're having, they're just socially conditioned to think they should keep their legs closed because they're female and don't want to be thought of as 'sluts'. "They're still able to feel sexual attraction easily, they just want to hold off for someone who is marriage material because of the way society views women who have a lot a sex" is what I've been met with from asexuals when I'm trying to explain what myself and @anisotropic have explained here. It's very sad. And very frustrating. And it's not conductive to education in ANY WAY which is apparently one of the purposes of this website?? Education??

 

As far as I'm concerned, AVEN has a duty to provide accurate information about normal sexuality for people who don't have a chance to learn all this for themselves, but instead AVEN perpetuates the problem by providing 'education' written BY asexuals about what they perceive to be normal which is rarely accurate and actually comes across as plain bizarre to a lot of average sexual folks. Like if someone born blind was trying to explain what vision is like for people who can see 😕. Even the ones who claim to have studied human sexuality in school seem to have no idea what it's actually like out there in the real world, among real sexuals.

 

So yeah, that's my early morning rant. Probably time to get out of bed and find some coffee.

 

Edit: this wasn't at you specifically by the way @roland.o, more just towards the attitude in general that 'normal' sexuality is this one way and everyone else who doesn't feel that one way is different enough to fall into some kind of grey area or may even be asexual. 

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anisotropic

@Ficto. nailed it, don't know what more I can add. 👏

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