How to get over feeling hurt and sexually unattractive?

[Helpimconfused]

I know this is super petty and irrational but I feel a little humiliated/helpless/powerless when I think about the fact that my boyfriend isn't sexually attracted to me. I mean this is crazy because he's ace but I still feel frustratingly disempowered sometimes. 

 

Obviously it's not his fault that he doesn't feel sexual attraction (toward anyone!) and in many ways I enjoy not having the pressure to have sex; it's part of why we work so well together as I also have a very low sex drive. HOWEVER, as a conventionally attractive young woman (22 years old), who was molested as a child and raped again as an adult, my identity is inextricably bound up in my sexual desirability. For a long time I felt that my worth came from my body. I used my sexuality to secure affection and closeness. I felt like the only power I had in this world was my ability to seduce. It sounds kind of horrible and manipulative, and in  way it is, but it gave me the illusion of power and security  (even though I ultimately felt demoralized and degraded).

 

Now that I'm with someone great, who loves me for ME, I'm overall quite happy. Yet it's also painful and frustrating to have that security blanket/delusion of pulled out from under me. I feel quite vulnerable, like I've been stripped of my best/only quality. Sometimes I still try to be sexy and seductive, not for my sake but to try and get his attention/affection, and it just doesn't work. I'm sometimes worried he'll leave me because I have this irrational belief that good sex is the only way to keep a man. But he's never expressed any desire to leave.

 

In fairness, I know, intellectually speaking, that he likes me a lot. He says I'm beautiful and admires my intelligence and creativity and quirkiness and kindness. We have amazing conversations that go on for hours and the most romantic cuddling sessions. I just keep fearing that he's faking everything and is actually repulsed by me. Crazy, I know.

 

To clarify, I don't even enjoy sex very much/at all. I just miss not being able to give pleasure to someone else or to make them want me at a moments notice. Sex is how I used to try and secure affection and it's like I've been stripped of my superpower.

 

Sorry if this his is offensive or anything. That was not my intent.

 

 

 

[Philip027]

Sounds like something you may want to get some sort of therapy to try to sort out, because it seems like your past experiences of abuse have taken a toll on you.

 

If the guy actually is ace, it doesn't matter how much "sexier" you are; it wouldn't make a difference.  That's kind of the point of being ace.

[Sexual Ally]

There's a lot going on here, and I relate to a lot of it.  Especially when I was younger, I felt that much of my value was based on my looks.  This caused me all sorts of problems, depression, body dysmorphia, and all-around esteem issues.  The truth is not everyone is born with looks, and NO ONE holds on to them indefinitely.  Feeling they are your only virtue will guarantee grief as you age, so please try to rethink this falsehood now while you're young.

 

The idea he would leave you without sex diminishes you both.  It reflects the feelings expressed about yourself above, when clearly you have wonderful qualities which is why this man is with you.  That HE (presumably ace) would leave you bc he doesn't find you sexually attractive makes no sense, since sex is not something he is looking for.  Which gives more cred to the idea of non-sexual qualities that attracted him to you. 

 

Having said all that, you've not said much of the dynamics of this relationship.  Is he happy?  Does he want to continue?   Do you want to continue?  I understand completely that sex may be something you need for a fulfilling romantic love-match (not just to salve your self-esteem), and there is nothing wrong if you cannot stay on board without it.  It doesn't make you unstable. 

 

I do hope you talk to a professional bc the "humiliation" you feel must be incredibly disheartening.   Whether or not you end up together, a professional could help clarify this "humiliation" has nothing to do with you personally.  If he is Ace, he would have little sexual interest toward any romantic partner.  It's important for your own sanity to realize his sexuality is beyond your control, has no bareing on you,  and there is nothing wrong with either of you,  Couples counseling may additionally allay these fears, no matter what the eventual outcome of the relationship.  Please know.... you are not alone.I truly wish you the best, which is exactly what you do deserve.

[Homer]

There are two things that are important to keep in mind here. One, he might not be attracted to you sexually, but he's with you regardless. There has to be something about you he's actually attracted to And two, you can "pimp" something he's not interested in all you want - something one isn't interested in doesn't suddenly become interesting just because there's more of it.

 

I hate pineapple. Can't stand it. Putting it on a nice plate and adding a few more rings won't change that.

 

You might want to have a look at what he's actually interested in and go from there

 

[MrDane]

12 hours ago, Helpimconfused said:

I know this is super petty and irrational but I feel a little humiliated/helpless/powerless when I think about the fact that my boyfriend isn't sexually attracted to me. I mean this is crazy because I know he's ace but I still feel not good enough or sexy enough. 

 

Obviously it's not his fault that he doesn't feel sexual attraction toward anyone and in many ways I enjoy not having the pressure to have sex but as a conventionally sexually attractive woman, who was molested as a child and raped again as an adult, my identity very bound up in my sexual desirability. For a long time that most of my worth came from my body. I felt like the only power I had was my ability to sexually seduce men. It sounds horrible but it gave me a sense of security. 

 

It's painful and frustrating to have that security-blanket/delusion pulled out from under me. I feel like my best/only   quality is gone. I'm sometimes irrationally worried he'll leave me because I feel like sex is the only way to keep a man around. He's not at all like that though so this is totally irrational.  

 

In fairness, I know, intellectually speaking, that he likes me a lot. He says I'm beautiful and admires my intelligence and creativity and quirkiness and kindness. We have amazing conversations that go on for hours and the most romantic cuddling sessions. I just keep fearing that he's faking everything and is actually repulsed by me. Crazy, I know.

 

To clarify, I don't even enjoy sex very much/at all. I just miss not being able to give pleasure to someone else or to make them want me at a moments notice. Sex is how I used to try and secure affection and it's like I've been stripped of my superpower.

 

Sorry if this his is offensive or anything. That was not my intent.

 

 

 

Yup, sure would be nice, if my ace wife would look at me and thank God for getting to live with such a hard-carved greek statue. Not a word! Why? She doesnt see me like that. She doesnt see anybody like that.

 

you have two big challenges here: 

1. You have had a terrible past, which has left you with scars. You feel like you need reassurements, through your looks, your hotness, your charisma... You wont get that with him, but you migth get something better as you are not receiving on a normal undamaged receiver, rigth?!

2. You have to focus on the fact, that he has not chosen you, because of your sexuality. He has still chosen YOU.

[uhtred]

I think there are two different things here. 

 

There is sexual trauma in your past.  I don't know enough about this to suggest anything useful.

 

Separately you are a sexual person in a relationship with a asexual person.  Is is very common for a sexual person who is sexually rejected to feel very unhappy / insecure / rejected. 

 

I think you need to think about what matters to you in your sex life.  This is difficult due to your trauma, but do you think having an active sex life, and being sexually desired is important to your happiness.  When you can come to grips with what you want in that direction, you can think about what you want in a relationship.

 

Have you been in  romantic / sexual relationships with someone you could really trust in the past? 

 

 

[AceyMacey]

I agree with some of the other people saying you might want to try therapy. Not because there's anything wrong with you (a lot of sexual people in relationships with asexuals feel similar things) but because, if you really like this guy, it would suck if things didn't work out due to a subconscious complication. It sounds like he cares for you very deeply, and those feelings are what predict the most successful relationships more than sexual magnetism (typically relationships go from passionate love (sex based) to compassionate love (emotion based)).

 

All I'm trying to say is if you guys really care for each other, you shouldn't let your scarring past (seriously, that sounds awful. I'm not trying to make it seem less serious than it actually was. This is just the perspective from where I'm sitting) hurt a potentially happy future.

[Lordyloo]

Replace being sexy and seductive to get his attention/ affection with something else he really likes.

What's the first thing that comes to mind?

Do that and do it big.