Jump to content

Tell me, what is authentic madness?


havenseeker

Recommended Posts

What if your reality is not reality? What is truly real and what isn’t?

What if the fleeting spirits that I spot every day, those sometimes friendly, sometimes taunting souls, that became such a commodity to my life, the ones that are the sole solace to the lonely existence of mine, were never actually there?

What if that poor child crying heartrendingly in the back of the room, the death threats, the tormented screams, the playful laughter aren't discerned by anyone but you?

 

What if the various but impactful conversations I just had with my buddies never happened?

 

What if they never existed? And i'm truly alone?

 

What if the beloved friend I was just holding hands with, a kind hand that was so warm, so soothing, so solid, so here is nothing but a convoluted illusion?

What if the thoughts alternatively whispering to me then screaming at me that my family is in danger, that they're being followed, that everyone is out to get them, that they’re going to die very soon are false?

What if all of my fears and emotions are unfounded, dismissed as crazy talk?

 

What if everyone told you that everything you see, hear, touch, think, feel is just a hallucination?

 

Well, i was told that.

 

Am i truly insane? Who knows? Who can really tell, properly determine what is authentic madness?

 

-x-x-x-x-x-

 

Hello, how are you? Hopefully, you are healthy and happy.

 

Here’s a little backstory.

 

In 2013, I was diagnosed with depression and schizophrenia. I’ve always heard voices and saw things but just thought they were either actual people or spirits. Some of them have different personalities, mannerisms, and distinct voices.

 

Sometimes, they threaten. Sometimes they encourage. Sometimes, they yell. Sometimes, they whisper.

 

Ah, sometimes, they act all nice and stuff for a period of time. That’s why when I was younger I just thought they were guardian spirits or something.

 

In high school, a teacher noticed me silently crying in class, which led to her sending me to the school counselor and me eventually being diagnosed by a psychiatrist. And apparently I’m somewhere on the autism spectrum. Yes, I’m a mess...

 

What is schizophrenia?  Basically, schizophrenia is a mental disorder that messes with my thinking and how I perceive things. I hear, see, feel things that may or may not be there. Many times, I don't know what is real and what is not. Therefore, I have to reality check with the people I trust to confirm whether something is actually there. However, even then, I don't know. Paranoia and distrust are also common symptoms of schizophrenia. I also think differently when I'm on meds and when I'm not. The exact cause of schizophrenia isn't known, but a combination of genetics, environment, and altered brain chemistry and structure may play a role (Mayo).

 

What’s depression, you may ask. Well, I get sad for no reason. It’s so incredibly difficult to get up in the morning when all I want to do is sleep and will the world away. It’s so ineffably hard when all I hear and feel is that I’m worth nothing, that I’m useless, unwanted, unneeded. Some days, some weeks, no matter how hard I try, I can’t feel anything. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t feel like eating. I don’t want to shower. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to even move. I don’t want to do anything at all. For no freaking reason. I’m either just sad or I can’t feel a thing. It’s just a big, gaping void of nothing. I don’t care if I smell. I don’t care if I look scary. I don’t care about anything. You can’t battle nothing.

 

How do you fight nothing?

 

To me, that’s what depression feels like.

 

I do not understand why people say to not think about it and you won’t be sad anymore. In a way, I know that some people think everyone ticks like them. I’m trying to understand, but I’m not sure if they either do not get that one can get depressed for no apparent reason—you can be wealthy behind belief, you have so many meaningful and fulfilling friendships yet you can still feel worthless, inadequate—or that they think I’m talking about sadness and not depression.

 

More people need to be aware of mental illness. Most people I meet do not know that I’m schizophrenic. Apparently, I do not “act” schizophrenic. The majority of the world act like anyone with a mental illness is gonna snap and go on a homicidal rampage. Aha, the stigma. Media does not help at all. You might hear about mentally unstable people attacking people on the news. I really don’t think they’re going to write about the everyday life of anyone... They only write about you when something big happens. Otherwise, it’s not juicy enough. Not enough drama.

 

Not all mentally ill people are dangerous. Just as all people who don't have a mental illness are safe to be around. Heck, statistics that BBC gathered prove that there are more crimes done on the mentally ill than those committed by them. I worry that it’s because some people get so scared of what they do not know and somehow end up attacking them because of a series of misunderstandings. People fear the unknown, and fear does scary things to people.

 

“1% of victims of violent crime believed that the incident occurred because the offender had a mental illness” (Hammond).

 

“3 to 5 percent of all violence, including but not limited to firearm violence, is attributable to serious mental illness” (Gun Violence and Mental Illness).

 

I do not disclose my diagnosis unless I am comfortable with them and want to test if they will be a friend who stick by me. Now, I’m a bit more open about it since I want to reduce stigma. What exactly is stigma? It's negativity toward a certain topic. For example, a topic such as mental illness, homosexuality, or anything really.

 

If there wasn't so much stigma around mental illness, people wouldn't need to hide it until they can't anymore.

 

Until they explode and unfortunate things happen.

 

We can save lives, people.

 

We can actually save lives.

 

Mental illness is a real thing. It is not something you can just will away. It is not something you can push to the back of your mind and it will just fade with time. It needs to managed so that the person can function and live a fulfilling life just like anyone else. Don’t diminish what a person is going through by telling them that they’re crazy, that they’re just overthinking, that they are just stressed. With effective management, others might not even realize that you even have a mental illness. However, having a mental illness, going to therapy doesn’t need to be a bad thing. NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, which is America's largest mental health organization, states that “approximately 1 in 5 adults in the U.S.—43.8 million, or 18.5%—experiences mental illness in a given year (NAMI).”

 

But you don't see mass shootings every day.

 

We’re not all murderers.

 

I’m not gonna to stab the stuffing out of you just ‘cause you pissed me off. Although, who hasn't wanted to sucker punch a person who pissed them off? You had thought about it, but you didn't follow through with it. Uh, hopefully.

 

I've been going to Pacific Clinics, a mental health clinic, for four years now. I've met with all kinds of people and most of them have never shown me any aggression. They smile and talk just like anyone else.

 

They are the reason I want to reduce stigma. I want to make things easier for them.

 

You can become more aware by going to mental health clinics and events, or just simply forming friendships with people who have actually experienced mental illness instead reading about those who plead insanity just so they don't have to go to death row. If you’re more aware of what mental illness really is, then it’s easier to eliminate any stigma you may have. You can save lives or at least help someone. If you help someone, one day, someone will help you back.

 

Imagine we all can do this.

 

Imagine a world free of discrimination, a place where you don’t have to fear for your life, your safety, just because you’re different.

 

A haven that is safe and comfortable for anyone.

 

A place of warmth and friendship.

 

A place of healing, of affection.

 

So let’s bring awareness. Let’s reduce stigma.



 

References

 

“Gun Violence and Mental Illness: Myths and Evidence-Based Facts.” Gun Violence and Mental Illness: Myths and Evidence-Based Facts - American Mental Health Counselors Association, www.amhca.org/blogs/joel-miller/2017/10/03/gun-violence-and-mental-illnessmyths-and-evidence-based-facts.

Hammond, Claudia. “Future - The Myth of Mental Illness and Violence.” BBC News, BBC, 23 July 2015, www.bbc.com/future/story/20150723-the-myth-of-mental-illness-and-violence.

 

Members, Therapists, Nurses, Psychiatrists of Pacific Clinics.

 

“NAMI.” Home, 19 May 2018, www.nami.org/About-NAMI.

 

“Schizophrenia.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 10 Apr. 2018, www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/schizophrenia/symptoms-causes/syc-20354443.

 

There are a few statistics and it sounds a bit educational at times because this started as an assignment for my speech class. The final speech. When I disclosed my diagnosis, the room went silent. I was debating whether I should or not. Some of my classmates have previously talked about people with mental illness as if they were dangerous. However, if I ever wanted things to change, then I needed to do something. After I was done, so many of my classmates smiled and gave me the thumbs up. Two classmates ostracized me after that speech. So yeah some people can change. Some won’t.

 

That’s why the world I dream of is impossible, but that won’t stop me from dreaming.

 

What do you think about mental illness? Stigma? Is there anything you wanna know? Anything you can relate to? Anything you want to be elaborated? Although, I’m not too certain if anyone wants to know about some of the things I see/hear.

 

Keep in mind, i do not speak for everyone. Experiences may differ.



 

Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, Agent_Smith said:

How can I help?

please elaborate

Link to post
Share on other sites

How can I make people with mental illnesses feel more welcomed in society/ make them feel normal.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Agent_Smith said:

How can I make people with mental illnesses feel more welcomed in society

just treat them like you would anyone else? most people walk on eggshells once they find out. some people completely avoid me while others tend to baby me even when i've shown i am capable. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I hope you are able to work through your problems.

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Agent_Smith said:

Thanks Havenseeker! 

no problem. i'm guessing you know someone with mental illness and want to help them...? you live in USA, have you heard of NAMI, more specifically NAMI walks? It’s once a year, every year, in the first few weeks of October. it's supposed to raise awareness and a celebration of recovery? 

 

6 minutes ago, Agent_Smith said:

I hope you are able to work through your problems.

ah, okay. thank you?  

Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, Agent_Smith said:

😬 I didn't know what to say lol

nah, it's okay. i make things awkward. i just wasn't exactly sure if you were implying my mental illness is one of my struggles? or the fact that i have to deal with how people react?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel like far more people need to know about the things you wrote about, especially that mental illness doesn't equal dangerous, so I'd like to thank you for sharing this with us.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Suigin said:

I feel like far more people need to know about the things you wrote about, especially that mental illness doesn't equal dangerous, so I'd like to thank you for sharing this with us.

it's probably easier for people to believe if they are familiar with someone with a mental illness before and if the person decides to disclose. so they form opinions of who the person is instead of immediately labeling them as someone to be wary of. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza

That was beautiful ❤️ I'm autistic too, with depression and anxiety. The depression isn't too bad right now but anxiety's kicking my arse.

Link to post
Share on other sites
38 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

but anxiety's kicking my arse.

Kick it back :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza
2 minutes ago, havenseeker said:

Kick it back :)

Trying; I don't have my usual way of coping and haven't for 2 months, so it's very difficult.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Trying; I don't have my usual way of coping and haven't for 2 months, so it's very difficult.

what's your usual way of coping? If you dont mind me asking?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Great topic!

 

17 hours ago, havenseeker said:

What if everyone told you that everything you see, hear, touch, think, feel is just a hallucination?

I sometimes think about this. I tend to think evolution has fixed our minds to the five senses for the sake of survival. This fixation may not be equally strong for everyone. Children are said to be more in contact with what lies beyond and become more fixed as they grow older. I think the brain can go far beyond the five senses. In a way you could say what's real is partly universal physics, partly subjective and partly metaphysical truth.

 

17 hours ago, havenseeker said:

Am i truly insane? Who knows? Who can really tell, properly determine what is authentic madness?

Does madness have to do with perception or behavior, or both?

 

Madness is sometimes defined as trying the same solution again and again, expecting different results.

 

"Madness is the result not of uncertainty but certainty."

-Friedrich Nietzsche

 

In a sense mental illness and madness/insanity are not the same.

 

 

18 hours ago, havenseeker said:

It’s so ineffably hard when all I hear and feel is that I’m worth nothing, that I’m useless, unwanted, unneeded.

I know the feeling. I just want to scream at you how untrue it is. I needed you back there and you were. You really helped me keep it together. ☺️

 

 

18 hours ago, havenseeker said:

If there wasn't so much stigma around mental illness, people wouldn't need to hide it until they can't anymore.

Yes.

 

18 hours ago, havenseeker said:

The exact cause of schizophrenia isn't known, but a combination of genetics, environment, and altered brain chemistry and structure may play a role

Interestingly, it seems to occur in urban areas a LOT more often than in rural areas. This probably has to do with certain kinds of stress.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza
4 hours ago, havenseeker said:

what's your usual way of coping? If you dont mind me asking?

Driving. Being with my cars is the only time I ever feel truly relaxed and compus mentus.

Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, Chilli Pepper said:

I tend to think evolution has fixed our minds to the five senses for the sake of survival.

does that mean you think what lies beyond is too much for most people to handle?

 

16 hours ago, Chilli Pepper said:

In a sense mental illness and madness/insanity are not the same.

never thought they were the same. i just meant people have called me crazy just because i have a diagnosis, or even just because i think differently. which is pretty amusing sometimes.

 

16 hours ago, Chilli Pepper said:

This probably has to do with certain kinds of stress.

that, too. 

 

16 hours ago, Chilli Pepper said:

I needed you back there and you were. You really helped me keep it together. ☺️

anytime, anytime. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Driving. Being with my cars is the only time I ever feel truly relaxed and compus mentus.

i don't trust myself behind the wheel, so i've never driven before. but hopefully you get your way of coping back.

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, havenseeker said:

does that mean you think what lies beyond is too much for most people to handle?

No, I just think our bodies have limited energy so most of it is focused on maintaining more important body functions. Much of what's beyond is just distraction.

 

Regarding stigma, I do think there are improvements here. 50 years ago the taboo was so great people just hid relatives with mental disorders at home and never talked about it. Today it is very well possible to partake in society. Speaking of it openly is still difficult, though. Probably in part due to people having no knowledge of it. It's kind of awkward and time consuming if you have to explain a mental disorder to someone, let alone having to explain it on a regular basis. It isn't self explanatory like a physical disability.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Chilli Pepper said:

It's kind of awkward and time consuming if you have to explain a mental disorder to someone, let alone having to explain it on a regular basis. 

i don't know if i even truly understand the feeling of awkwardness. explanations are only for when someone is curious enough to ask me for more information, which isn't on a regular basis, thankfully. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, people usually notice when my performance craps out or when I avoid going outdoors, don't clean my house, look pale and tired. True, I don't speak about the underlying cause very often but it does create some awkwardness for me. Mostly I joke at not doing the chores, but it makes me kind of sad as if there is a great distance between me and the rest of the world.

Link to post
Share on other sites
56 minutes ago, Chilli Pepper said:

Well, people usually notice when my performance craps out or when I avoid going outdoors, don't clean my house, look pale and tired. 

ah, well, when my friends notice then i just say i don't want to hang out, maybe another day. they give me space when i need it and i'm there for them when they need it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've heard of psychedelic mushrooms helping people with either migraines or mental disorders like schizophrenia, I think? IDK how true it is, or if it works, or if you've tried it but it sounds like an extremely terrifying ordeal, and I emphasize.

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, The Dryad said:

I've heard of psychedelic mushrooms helping people with either migraines or mental disorders like schizophrenia, I think? IDK how true it is, or if it works, or if you've tried it but it sounds like an extremely terrifying ordeal, and I emphasize.

i'm actually not taking anything at all for schizo or depression. even though sometimes i fleetingly wonder why i'm so stubborn. but i cope without, so yeah.

Link to post
Share on other sites
what the face

havenseeker

 

your post's   "What if . . .?"  intro about what's (maybe) not real for you,  totally makes real for us/me

how it is for you.   Fine expression,  must say,  right up front!

 

Most here and I think everywhere are seeking a haven.   Even those of us lucky enough to have found one haven,

would like another. 

And as you imply,  havens could save lives. 

 

I share your imagined/call for safe space for everyone.   

A Universal compassion expression

 

What better "What if" could

there be?

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, what the face said:

havenseeker

 

your post's   "What if . . .?"  intro about what's (maybe) not real for you,  totally makes real for us/me

how it is for you.   Fine expression,  must say,  right up front!

 

Most here and I think everywhere are seeking a haven.   Even those of us lucky enough to have found one haven,

would like another. 

And as you imply,  havens could save lives. 

 

I share your imagined/call for safe space for everyone.   

A Universal compassion expression

 

What better "What if" could

there be?

 

 

you kinda dug deep into this, didn't you? 😊

 

 

 

if you don't mind me asking, have you found your haven?

Link to post
Share on other sites
what the face

Thank you for the ask.

 

Lately I've found that space between understanding relationship and taking action 

a kind of haven.

As an introverted Asexual I haven't nor have I naturally sought to understand relationships

but I've come to see that without understanding,  actions only bring conflict.

 

This exchange an example.

 

"kinda dug deep",  for me  =  understanding.       then

my haven space of bearing witness, as the Buddhists might say,       then

a responding post (I hope)   =   compassionate action.

 

BTW enough compassionate responses  might get us to your safe haven for everyone.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, what the face said:

Lately I've found that space between understanding relationship and taking action 

a kind of haven.

As an introverted Asexual I haven't nor have I naturally sought to understand relationships

but I've come to see that without understanding,  actions only bring conflict

now, you are more inclined to try to understand? 

 

5 hours ago, what the face said:

a responding post (I hope)   =   compassionate action.

well, if your concern is true, then i suppose so

 

5 hours ago, what the face said:

enough compassionate responses  might get us to your safe haven for everyone.

yup. ripple effect and everything

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...