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Is my husband asexual?


JHL

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I have recently separated from my husband. I believe he is asexual but he does not necessarily identify with this. Over the 8 years we have been with one another, our sex has declined dramatically. In the last three years or so, it is almost non-existent. We had sex in the beginning but now that I reflect, I realize I was always the initiator. Upon further reflection, I recall his lack of focused interest. I know it sounds like your average marriage gone bust. But there have been other indicators. For instance, he is a very loving and devoted husband. He appreciates a lot of hugging and cuddling. All the time. But never sex. And when we do have sex it seems strangely robotic and like he is not enjoying it at all. He is not vocally sexual, physically sexual and almost seems put-off when I talk about or want to engage sex. I love him and find him very attractive still. So, I think over the years, perhaps it is me. But, something tells me it isn't. I'm 40 years old but still feel and look attractive. I've asked him about his thoughts on asexuality and he just says, "I don't know." He's been very impotent in the last several years and we can't actually engage in sex because he can get or retain an erection. Then he feels bad (so do I) and wants to hold me and cuddle. Maybe it's a physical thing. But, I don't think so. He is active, rides a motorcycle, is a second grade teacher and a musician who performs at many live events. He's active and healthy. He does tell me that he doesn't know why he is not interested in having sex but that he has always, "been shy about it." I think this is his subconscious code for not understanding that he might be asexual. I don't want to emasculate him. But I am so tired of not being desired. thoughts? 

 

 

 

 

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I think "asexual" covers a lot of ground - but I'd say he falls in that category.  In a way though it doesn't really matter what the label is - you have described someone who is incompatible with the sex life that you need to be happy, so separating was probably a good thing to do - probably for both of you.

 

For a sexual person, being desired is truly wonderful.  You deserve to have that in your life.  

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Hey, thanks for replying to me. I'm sure asexuality is a spectrum and lack of sex or sexual interest on part of my husband can be the result of many things. But, I've always had this feeling....that he is, and never has been, interested in sex at all. Again, thanks for your supportive words. Hoping to come to terms with our separation one way or another. 

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In a way I am jealous. I've been married > 30 years to a nearly asexual wife.  I love her and can't possibly leave her now  - but I wonder if I had recognized what was going on much earlier, what life would have been like.

 

Someone with a typical level of sexual interest / desire will find a way. To me that is the real indicator.  If someone is asexual / near- asexual, there will always be reasons not to have sex at any particular time.  (I've heard an amazing variety - all true... in a way).  But if two people desire sex, they will find a way to make things work. 

 

You will find someone who desires and loves you. It may be hard until that happens, and you need to be careful about being stupid with the excitement of the firs person  who does desire you - but I think you will end up happy. 

 

Best wishes

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It does sound like asexuality.

 

It's a hard topic because it might make him feel broken or dysfunctional to face it, especially if it seems to be the cause of the marriage falling apart.

 

I'm nearly 40 myself. My partner does have sex with me, but we realized it's all because I wanted it. I've come to accept that dynamic, and I'm glad I can still have intimacy, but I do wonder what it would be like to have someone desire me. But I'm choosing not to worry about it for now... I might try dating others someday (he says he'd like me to try that), but that sounds like a lot of time I can't spare, hah! And I'm very happy with him.

 

Like @uhtred (and presuming you do get to date and find others) I will envy you a little! 😄

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