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My gray-ace husband has sex with other people


Syen

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I pretty much echo what everyone has said. I'm sexual & have sex with my ace partner; I'm 100% initiating & we've had some open stuff in the past & discussed it & it would be OK we think. But I place a strong value on him/me as primary – I'm okay with emotions and sex with another, but we should always be each others priority. So, like @Lara Black said I'd be very upset if he gave someone more sexual attention than he did to me. I'd be OK with him agreeing to sex with someone else (as he does for me)... provided I'm still prioritized. (And it's happened. But chances of this are pretty much zero these days, because... married ace, not a lot going on, hah.)

 

My partner and I did some therapy stuff with an LGBTQIA+ practice that's poly/kink friendly & works with couples. (These days it's switched back over to my gender.) Things are great... but we never very dysfunctional, and what you've shared sounds pretty bad. But I figure that sort of place will be where you'd best go if you try another round of counseling...

The story you tell does sound so very weird – that he could be so sexual in behavior and then reject you so completely – what the hell is going on? Ace? Something else? If he's just passive and lets you initiate like others do to him: great. But he's not. So...

It sounds completely fair to draw a line and say he needs to figure this out with you – get therapy for himself, for both of you, you get some too, whatever – and him failing to do so is a reason to look at moving on. Sounds like it's been hell, I'm sorry.

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3 hours ago, Syen said:

... if they knew he wasn’t fucking me (we are mostly contained in the same friend group) ...

Why have you not disclosed it to any of them?

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5 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

Why have you not disclosed it to any of them?

That would be an inappropriate level of interference. I wouldn’t meddle in his relationships like that and if I were actively in any other relationships right now, I would want him to insert himself that way either. 

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1 hour ago, anisotropic said:

I pretty much echo what everyone has said. I'm sexual & have sex with my ace partner; I'm 100% initiating & we've had some open stuff in the past & discussed it & it would be OK we think. But I place a strong value on him/me as primary – I'm okay with emotions and sex with another, but we should always be each others priority. So, like @Lara Black said I'd be very upset if he gave someone more sexual attention than he did to me. I'd be OK with him agreeing to sex with someone else (as he does for me)... provided I'm still prioritized. (And it's happened. But chances of this are pretty much zero these days, because... married ace, not a lot going on, hah.)

 

My partner and I did some therapy stuff with an LGBTQIA+ practice that's poly/kink friendly & works with couples. (These days it's switched back over to my gender.) Things are great... but we never very dysfunctional, and what you've shared sounds pretty bad. But I figure that sort of place will be where you'd best go if you try another round of counseling...

The story you tell does sound so very weird – that he could be so sexual in behavior and then reject you so completely – what the hell is going on? Ace? Something else? If he's just passive and lets you initiate like others do to him: great. But he's not. So...

It sounds completely fair to draw a line and say he needs to figure this out with you – get therapy for himself, for both of you, you get some too, whatever – and him failing to do so is a reason to look at moving on. Sounds like it's been hell, I'm sorry.

We do each have our own therapists. Mine has been on medical leave for the past two months and won’t return for another 6 weeks, so I’ve had to go without. 

 

And fortunately we also have resources to queer/kinky friendly marriage counsellors. I just don’t think he’d be willing to go back even though he felt the first time was beneficial. 

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9 hours ago, Syen said:

He’s gray. He can enjoy sex and sometimes wants it. But mostly does not, and in any case he would

be happy to never have sex with anyone again for the rest of his life. 

But he IS having sex with other people, presumably people he doesn't have to have sex with.   That together with the fact that he enjoys it and sometimes wants it means his feeling that he is at least partially asexual is...really not  true.  

 

Asexuality = not wanting sex with any other person.     

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5 minutes ago, Syen said:

That would be an inappropriate level of interference. I wouldn’t meddle in his relationships like that ...

I did not mean it at all in relation to his relationships. I just meant, if they are your friends, why do you not talk to them about your problems.

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1 minute ago, Thea2 said:

I did not mean it at all in relation to his relationships. I just meant, if they are your friends, why do you not talk to them about your problems.

Oh I see. My bad, I wasn’t clear. They aren’t my friends (by which I mean, we don’t usually talk to each other outside of Facebook), but we are in the same friend group. Everyone knows everyone else because our kinky queer community is so small. I have disclosed to a couple of my real-life friends. 

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On 11/30/2018 at 6:16 PM, Syen said:

... if they knew he wasn’t fucking me (we are mostly contained in the same friend group) and that I had a problem with that. ...

 

On 11/30/2018 at 10:17 PM, Syen said:

... They aren’t my friends (by which I mean, we don’t usually talk to each other outside of Facebook), but we are in the same friend group. Everyone knows everyone else because our kinky queer community is so small. ...

I would advise you to put it all over the Facebook friend group that he is not having sex with you, and how you feel about that; otherwise you cannot get helpful feedback. And again this is about you, not about his relationships.

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TLDR: it's not necessarily invalidating asexuality to agree to have sex with a third party if they're asking, but it's pretty F'd up (and suspicious) to do that while refusing sex with a primary romantic partner.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I guess "should I break up" is something you'd ideally be able to chat with the therapist about, bummer that they're on leave. 😕

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4 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

TLDR: it's not necessarily invalidating asexuality to agree to have sex with a third party if they're asking, but it's pretty F'd up (and suspicious) to do that while refusing sex with a primary romantic partner.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It sounds like it may not just be “if they’re asking,” either, which seems less ace.

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If he is just having sex if they ask, thats one thing. If he is seeking it for his pleasure, thats another. You need to know why them and not you. 

 

And im no label really. Felt sexual feelings first time ever with current spouse, but didnt for 30 years before that, including a marriage and several long term relationships. 

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6 hours ago, Syen said:

I also don’t think his current partners would be fucking him if they knew he wasn’t fucking me (we are mostly contained in the same friend group) and that I had a problem with that. But I doubt he has disclosed that to any of them. 

I'm asexual and I agree with the others in the thread.

 

I wonder if he might be using the cover of your relationship to allow him to have these actual relationships.

 

I hope you can get this sorted, I don't think he is being fair to you.

 

I wonder if he is using asexuality as an excuse to not have sex with you. His behaviour doesn't fit to it as he is happy for sex with others.

 

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He won't have sex with you, knowing that you want sex with him.   He will have sex with others, knowing that they want sex with him.

 

That sounds like an extremely unequal relationship, and you wouldn't even be discussing it if you were happy in this relationship.  

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6 hours ago, Sally said:

He won't have sex with you, knowing that you want sex with him.   He will have sex with others, knowing that they want sex with him.

 

That sounds like an extremely unequal relationship, and you wouldn't even be discussing it if you were happy in this relationship.  

 

I have a tag for that sexuality: "Bullshitsexual", I think he is either Bullshitsexual or Graybullshitsexual, something in that spectrum.


There is also the chance that he is "IamnotthatintoyoubutIamintootherssexual" also called "Cheatingsexual" or "Demicheatingsexual"

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@Syen I am very sorry we are all feeling so negative about it. I can imagine it to be very upsetting for you to read. If you need more supportive answers, please post it again in ‘Tea and Sympathty’ (on the Forum, under Community), that particular part of the forum is very supportive. E.g. if you need a hug https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/84361-need-a-hug/?do=findComment&comment=2351755

I want to wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do. And a *hug* for you, if you want to. 🤗 

 

 
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I can so understand this situation. I am poly, but my ace has been "grounded" to monogamy, because he can't handle relationships well, and his one attempt at having another partner was a clusterfuck. That said, he is horrified by his own actions too, and the "grounded" is also with his agreement, because he doesn't want to ruin our relationship and he admits he doesn't have the "bandwidth" for anything more at this point.

 

Not sure if this helps, but my ace can have and enjoy sex. But it is more a mental thing. His arousal comes from his own imagination rather than as a response to a person. As in, he has drive (even if no often), but doesn't really feel attraction for another person. He cheated on me a couple of years into our relationship. We were poly, but he couldn't talk about it, so didn't tell me. They had sex once. 

 

While we were in a long distance relationship, he thought of his visits to me as romantic ones - visiting a lover in another city - and sex was no problem. Or at least not a bad enough problem to set off any major red flags. Similarly with the other woman he got into the relationship with. She was a woman who lived close by. They shared interests and spent enjoyable time together. She lived on her own and was interested in him. All that clicked to his mind as something with sexual potential and they got involved.

 

Once he moved in with me, the prospect of daily sex had no mental script (or interest) and he no longer wanted to have sex. With the other woman too, he doesn't believe he would have been able to have a regular sexual relationship.

 

This is obviously an oversimplification and both situations were far more complicated than this, but the general gist is that if he is capable of arousal with some very specific triggers, it is possible that those are the only ones that work for him. Which is not very good news for you. Additionally, if he is asexual, having sex with multiple women may simply be too much sex for him and well, being married to you, you're probably the one he can avoid with least worry of getting dumped?

 

Being polyamorous isn't a "given" thing, at least in our relationship. You can't simply chase whichever relationship you want at the cost of a partner's distress. Your consent to polyamory does not appear to be joyful (or perhaps seeked at all). If he isn't a good enough hinge to balance his relationships and meet the needs of all the partners he takes on, he's simply not a good hinge. He needs to either cut down the relationships he takes on, or do more to meet his end of the deal in each (of concern here being the one with you), or he's simply taking you for granted. This isn't good for you.

 

It is also something to explore - an ace taking on sexual relationships to the point he can't meet needs of partners. What is really going on? What is he seeking? Perhaps he isn't ace and it is simply a convenient label to toss at you to get special snowflake treatment while he does as he pleases? Or if he is really asexual, why is he getting into multiple sexual relationships? Even if it is a "quest for love" kind of mindset, he doesn't have to sign up for sex he isn't interested in.

 

I'd suggest you find a bottom line, convey it to him and decide what you will do if he doesn't meet it. Indefinitely going along with his preferences that don't include concern for your needs is not responsible toward you or the health of your relationship.

 

 

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I want to extend a sincere thank you to all of you who have responded. Things came to a head with my husband on Friday night and I had to step away from the thread to catch my breath for a bit. I'm quite embarrassed to admit this, but due to my own spiraling anxiety (I NEED MY THERAPIST BACK ASAP) and some worst-case scenario assumptions that I'd made about his behavior (which came about partially as a result of a recently imposed "don't ask don't tell" approach to our poly relationship, and partially as a result of some of his behavior in the past), I was wrong about his behavior over the past year. In the past year he has had sex with only one other person - the one that he is submissive to. While he was more sexually active in the past, once he realized/admitted his asexuality, his sexual behavior with others pretty much stopped.

 

The scenario in my OP was a fairly accurate representation of how things were in the past, but I didn't realize that his behavior had already changed from before, when he really was quite sexually active with other people while constantly turning me down. I don't think that he's happy with the current situation, though - he said on Friday night that he wants to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants without feeling guilty. He didn't elaborate on that point, so I don't know if he specifically means that he wants to fuck other people, but isn't because he feels guilty. More discussion will hopefully provide some clarity.

At this point we are taking a step back and redefining our needs, expectations, wants for our marriage. We are focusing on connection and identifying opportunities for connection. I have also requested his patience with me as I count down the days until my therapist returns from her medical leave. I'm emotionally exhausted by all of this but I appreciate all of the thoughtful responses that I've received about this issue.

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On 12/1/2018 at 5:14 PM, Thea2 said:

@Syen I am very sorry we are all feeling so negative about it. I can imagine it to be very upsetting for you to read. If you need more supportive answers, please post it again in ‘Tea and Sympathty’ (on the Forum, under Community), that particular part of the forum is very supportive. E.g. if you need a hug https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/84361-need-a-hug/?do=findComment&comment=2351755

I want to wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do. And a *hug* for you, if you want to. 🤗 

 

 

Thank you so much for your kindness and for the hug! 🙂

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25 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

This is obviously an oversimplification and both situations were far more complicated than this, but the general gist is that if he is capable of arousal with some very specific triggers, it is possible that those are the only ones that work for him. Which is not very good news for you. Additionally, if he is asexual, having sex with multiple women may simply be too much sex for him and well, being married to you, you're probably the one he can avoid with least worry of getting dumped?

 

Being polyamorous isn't a "given" thing, at least in our relationship. You can't simply chase whichever relationship you want at the cost of a partner's distress. Your consent to polyamory does not appear to be joyful (or perhaps seeked at all). If he isn't a good enough hinge to balance his relationships and meet the needs of all the partners he takes on, he's simply not a good hinge. He needs to either cut down the relationships he takes on, or do more to meet his end of the deal in each (of concern here being the one with you), or he's simply taking you for granted. This isn't good for you.

 

It is also something to explore - an ace taking on sexual relationships to the point he can't meet needs of partners. What is really going on? What is he seeking? Perhaps he isn't ace and it is simply a convenient label to toss at you to get special snowflake treatment while he does as he pleases? Or if he is really asexual, why is he getting into multiple sexual relationships? Even if it is a "quest for love" kind of mindset, he doesn't have to sign up for sex he isn't interested in.

 

I'd suggest you find a bottom line, convey it to him and decide what you will do if he doesn't meet it. Indefinitely going along with his preferences that don't include concern for your needs is not responsible toward you or the health of your relationship.

 

 

Lots of fantastic food for thought in here. I really appreciate this, thank you so much.

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Back to Avalon
On 11/30/2018 at 12:37 PM, ryn2 said:

If it was strictly a D/s situation where he was the sub, it might make sense that he was grey or ace and having sex with his doms/dommes (because he was ordered to do so, not out of a desire for sex).

 

I don't know much about BDSM, but don't people engaging in BDSM have safe words or a prior discussion about what they do and don't want to do? If he's having sex because he was ordered to, you might want to ask why he didn't call a timeout. (I realize I'm late to the discussion, but I thought I'd post it anyway.) 

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3 minutes ago, Back to Avalon said:

I don't know much about BDSM, but don't people engaging in BDSM have safe words or a prior discussion about what they do and don't want to do? If he's having sex because he was ordered to, you might want to ask why he didn't call a timeout. (I realize I'm late to the discussion, but I thought I'd post it anyway.) 

Normally someone would safeword when their limits are approached too closely.  Someone who is sex-neutral would probably not safeword out of sex, and in some settings it can be hard to find play partners if sex is completely off the table.

 

To look at it a slightly different way, it’s kind of like things you do at work because your boss asks you to but might not do at home no matter who asks.

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1 hour ago, Back to Avalon said:

I don't know much about BDSM, but don't people engaging in BDSM have safe words or a prior discussion about what they do and don't want to do? If he's having sex because he was ordered to, you might want to ask why he didn't call a timeout. (I realize I'm late to the discussion, but I thought I'd post it anyway.) 

You only safe word if you are at a hard limit (or, soft limit and wanna talk about it). But, some people can be OK with sex in a submissive "I was ordered to do it" way, consensual force, basically. Because it's just them fulfilling their dom's desire, nothing to do with their own and they are ordered to do it. 

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