My gray-ace husband has sex with other people

[Syen]

Hello all, I am at the end of my rope and I am mainly interested in the perspective of those who are gray-ace and non-monogamous.

My relationship with my husband started off explicitly sexual - we first had sex within minutes of meeting each other. When we met we were both active in the kink scene and non-monogamous. I am a highly sexual person (I could happily have sex every day although I certainly don't need it that often), and one of the things that was such a relief to me when we met was our sexual compatibility - something that I mentioned to him multiple times. It was the first time I have ever truly matched someone sexually, in drive, in level of kink, in what turned us both on.

 

Just a few months into the relationship, he started turning me down. A lot. He insisted that it had nothing to do with me, and that he just wasn't in the space for sex...but he continued to visit  other people and have sex with them. Now we are many years into our relationship, we have been married for almost 3 years, and I have been unhappy with our sex life for the vast majority of our relationship. It wasn't the only factor in our relationship that was important to me - clearly, or I wouldn't have married him. I have tried many many different things, including trying to desexualize myself so that I don't need him (it didn't work). He admitted that he thinks he is asexual to me sometime in the last year, and suddenly a lot of things make sense. But not everything.

He is unhappy because we are poly and I have grown to be very jealous of him with other people. I have told him that I wouldn't be jealous of the sexual relationships he has with other people if WE had a sexual relationship that was satisfying. And by "satisfying," I just mean a regular sexual connection. Doesn't have to be any particular sexual act (doesn't even have to strictly involve sex - BDSM hits the same notes for me as sex does), doesn't have to be very frequent (once a week would be heavenly for me). But we go months without sex.

I have gone out of my way to not pressure him, but I feel like my very existence as a sexual person puts pressure on him. If I try to initiate sex, he feels pressured because he knows I want to have sex, but if I don't initiate, then he feels pressured because then I'm leaving the ball in his court. When he first came out as ace to me, we agreed on a compromise - sex once a week. He is not sex-repulsed and it would be an act of love for my sake. And it didn't have to be actual intercourse, it could also be any number of kinky things that don't involve genitalia at all. And after we agreed on that compromise, I think we had sex once in like 10 weeks, and that one time only happened because I wrote him an email expressing how dismayed and emotionally disconnected I was feeling without sex.

I have left out a bunch of details, but the gist is we love each other very much, but we are not compatible. We care about each other's happiness and have discussed all this ad nauseum. I am feeling desperate here and don't know what else to do. 

[Telecaster68]

If he's seeking out sex with other people for his own pleasure, he's not asexual. Simple as that... so there's something else going on. 

[Syen]

15 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

If he's seeking out sex with other people for his own pleasure, he's not asexual. Simple as that... so there's something else going on. 

He’s gray. He can enjoy sex and sometimes wants it. But mostly does not, and in any case he would

be happy to never have sex with anyone again for the rest of his life. 

[Telecaster68]

18 minutes ago, Syen said:

he would

be happy to never have sex with anyone again

In which case why is him stopping having sex with other people a problem for him? 

[Philip027]

If he's still going around fucking other people (not really what I would call ace behavior; hell, not even what I would call gray-ace behavior, but that's just me) but is going out of his way to avoid it with you, then yeah, it's pretty clear to me he's just not into you anymore, least not in that way.

[Guest]

Yeah Im as confused as others. Why is he going out seeking sex with others if he happily would go without for the rest of his life ? Seems an odd thing to do. Especially when he avoids sex with you, in favor of others. 

 

Does he mostly only enjoy sex with new relationship energy so same partner gets boring ? Or? 

 

I get you are poly but you are also his primary from the sounds of it. So, it doesnt seem unreasonable to ask for sex more often with you than others, or at least frequent enough you dont feel unfulfilled, before he goes to his others. Its about meeting all partners needs and he isnt meeting yours. If he wants sex those times, he should be able to come to you, not keep going to others while you are unsatisfied and frustrated. Unless they are serious committed other relationships? In which case I can see why he would feel a need to go be with them to avoid them feeling rejected. But if its casual hookups... not cool at all. 

[Syen]

7 minutes ago, Serran said:

Yeah Im as confused as others. Why is he going out seeking sex with others if he happily would go without for the rest of his life ? Seems an odd thing to do. Especially when he avoids sex with you, in favor of others. 

 

Does he mostly only enjoy sex with new relationship energy so same partner gets boring ? Or? 

 

I get you are poly but you are also his primary from the sounds of it. So, it doesnt seem unreasonable to ask for sex more often with you than others, or at least frequent enough you dont feel unfulfilled, before he goes to his others. Its about meeting all partners needs and he isnt meeting yours. If he wants sex those times, he should be able to come to you, not keep going to others while you are unsatisfied and frustrated. Unless they are serious committed other relationships? In which case I can see why he would feel a need to go be with them to avoid them feeling rejected. But if its casual hookups... not cool at all. 

Not casual hookups. Non-romantic power exchange/kinky relationships, one of which has been going on longer than he and I have been together. We don’t technically tier our relationships, but for all intents and purposes, I’m his primary, yes. We’re married, we live together, we have a family together, and ours is the only relationship with a romantic dynamic (though we both have the option of pursuing other romantic relationships if we want). 

[Syen]

We both have the option of casual hookups and he’s done so in the past, but it’s been probably around a year since the last time. 

[Syen]

Would any of you mind identifying if you’re sexual or asexual (and if asexual, whether you are gray)? I already know how I feel and how sexual folks would feel about the situation, and I’m just wondering if anyone with an ace perspective is in line with that as well. 

[Cobie]

1 hour ago, Syen said:

... we are not compatible. ...

Q.E.D.

 

1 hour ago, Syen said:

... don't know what else to do. 

My advice is to leave him now, immediately.

[Syen]

37 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

In which case why is him stopping having sex with other people a problem for him? 

Great question. Wish I had an answer to that as well. 

[Telecaster68]

I'm sexual. Most people put their orientation in their profile. 

[Syen]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm sexual. Most people put their orientation in their profile. 

Got it, thank you for the tip! I’m brand-new to the forums (clearly).

 

[Telecaster68]

3 minutes ago, Syen said:

Great question. Wish I had an answer to that as well. 

Which do you believe, his words or his actions? 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Asexual here, and I'm fairly certain he is neither ace nor grey. It sounds like he isn't into you any more but is using you as a domestic partner, which is a dick move and I'm sorry. Leave him, I think he's taking the piss 😕

[Cobie]

19 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Which do you believe, his words or his actions? 

 Imho, when a person’s words and actions do not match, it’s best to leave.

 

15 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

 ... I think he's taking the piss 😕

I agree. NPD came to my mind.

[Syen]

11 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

 Imho, when a person’s words and actions do not match, it’s best to leave.

 

I agree. NPD came to my mind.

What does NPD mean?

[Syen]

Thanks for your input everyone. I was hoping to get a response that differed from how I was already feeling about the situation (because I really don’t want to leave him, but I also am not willing to stay in a situation that is unhealthy for me), but so far there seems to be a consensus from both ace and sexual folks. 

[Cobie]

3 minutes ago, Syen said:

What does NPD mean?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

[Telecaster68]

Narcissist Personality Disorder, which sounds a bit of a reach to me, based on what you said. You can be selfish or disinclined to upset the comfortable status quo without having a personality disorder. 

[Lara Black]

Hello, @Syen

I’m a sexual person speaking from inside of a poly relationship. My ace partner has another partner – someone he doesn’t have sex with but cares about.

So, this is my perspective:

If I found out that my partner was having sex with his other partner, it would be pretty much the end for us. If our relationship is “incomplete” and I have to make peace with that because of who my partner is, how can he give this to someone else? That’s just fundamentally unfair. That would just mean to me that he doesn’t love me – plain and simple. I mean, yeah, here we talk a lot about asexuals not associating sex with love and that we – sexuals in a mixed relationship – shouldn’t either. But we do. And neither of us having sex is one thing, but my partner having sex with someone else while I don’t… because of our relationship… that’s just too crazy.

[Syen]

11 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

Ohhh I see. No, that’s not him. I was in an 8-year-long relationship with a narcissist so I’m sadly familiar with that kind of special hell, and that’s not my husband at all. 

[Cobie]

15 minutes ago, Syen said:

... narcissist ... that’s not my husband at all. 

That’s good to hear. 😊

[Xenobot]

A lot of people have already weighed in, but... yeah. I’m asexual with interest in non-sexual kink/BDSM, and I am poly-friendly as well. His behavior and words are not lining up at all. Either he’s deeply confused, or he’s straight up lying to you. The fact that he’s using sexual orientation as an excuse for this behavior is actually rather offensive. It’s a pretty horrible misrepresentation of what Ace people tend to be like.

 

Leaving him is a very valid option, but marriage counseling is a possibility if you think he’d be willing to put in the work. It might be a little tricky (but not necessarily impossible) to find a kink/BDSM/poly friendly marriage counselor. However, it sounds like you may have already had your heart and expectations broken beyond the point of no return. Follow your gut instinct on this one.

[ryn2]

Grey/confused person here, also into BDSM/kink but not poly (oh, and welcome!).

 

The only piece of the equation I feel like I’m missing (before potentially coming to the same conclusion several others have) is this:  in his other relationships, is he seeking his partners out for sex or just not turning them down when they ask for sex from him?

 

I also noticed you mentioned your relationship is the only romantic one; that the others are purely non-romantic kink... is it possible he’s not able to sustain sexual/kinky desire for someone he’s romantically in love with, or that he has a bit of the “Madonna/whore” thing going (where the domestic partner/coparent can’t also be an object of sexual desire)?

[Syen]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

Grey/confused person here, also into BDSM/kink but not poly (oh, and welcome!).

 

The only piece of the equation I feel like I’m missing (before potentially coming to the same conclusion several others have) is this:  in his other relationships, is he seeking his partners out for sex or just not turning them down when they ask for sex from him?

 

I also noticed you mentioned your relationship is the only romantic one; that the others are purely non-romantic kink... is it possible he’s not able to sustain sexual/kinky desire for someone he’s romantically in love with, or that he has a bit of the “Madonna/whore” thing going (where the domestic partner/coparent can’t also be an object of sexual desire)?

He’s a submissive in one of those relationships and he does not turn that partner down. I don’t know if he seeks sex with that person. 

 

In other cases which have been less long-term, sometimes he seeks sex and sometimes he accepts it when people initiate it. 

 

I don’t know if it’s a Madonna/whore thing but that is a possibility I had not considered. 

[Syen]

Oh and thank you for the welcome!

[Syen]

1 hour ago, Xenobot said:

A lot of people have already weighed in, but... yeah. I’m asexual with interest in non-sexual kink/BDSM, and I am poly-friendly as well. His behavior and words are not lining up at all. Either he’s deeply confused, or he’s straight up lying to you. The fact that he’s using sexual orientation as an excuse for this behavior is actually rather offensive. It’s a pretty horrible misrepresentation of what Ace people tend to be like.

 

Leaving him is a very valid option, but marriage counseling is a possibility if you think he’d be willing to put in the work. It might be a little tricky (but not necessarily impossible) to find a kink/BDSM/poly friendly marriage counselor. However, it sounds like you may have already had your heart and expectations broken beyond the point of no return. Follow your gut instinct on this one.

We’ve done marriage counseling for this issue for just a few months and I would be willing to try it again, but I don’t know if he would. He really didn’t want to do it the first time and said that he felt like he was being coerced to do it (although once we actually did it, he said that he was glad and that he had benefited from it), because I suggested it many times over the course of several unhappy years. 

[Syen]

I also don’t think his current partners would be fucking him if they knew he wasn’t fucking me (we are mostly contained in the same friend group) and that I had a problem with that. But I doubt he has disclosed that to any of them. 

[ryn2]

If it was strictly a D/s situation where he was the sub, it might make sense that he was grey or ace and having sex with his doms/dommes (because he was ordered to do so, not out of a desire for sex).

 

On the other hand, if he’s actively seeking sex with others himself, that sounds less like he’s ace (or even grey) and more like he - for whatever reason - specifically doesn’t want to have sex with you... but doesn’t want to come clean about it.