I don't know if I'm ace (nsfw-ish?)

[figuringmyselfout]

A few weeks ago, I joined this site because I found that I related to some of the topics and things that I had heard other a-spec individuals talk about. I knew that I was heteromantic, but I was unsure if I was demi or gray sexual. I talked with other people here and decided that I was demisexual (I didn't even come to the realization that I was on the ace spectrum until it was brought to my attention that needing to have a romantic attraction before sexual attraction was not exactly common). I was fine. I thought I had myself figured out; a heteromantic demisexual who could continue with her schooling and social life without questioning her sexuality anymore. Cool, right?

I actually didn't figure it all out.

 

I went home for Thanksgiving break over the last week and realized some things. I can recognize when someone is trying to be sexual but I don't feel sexual attraction or arousal by that. I've...experimented by myself...but I'm not imagining myself in any sexual situations. It just feels good. That's the only reason why I do it at all. In the same way that I know someone is trying to be sexually appealing, I sometimes understand and can see when someone my age looks 'nice' or 'attractive'. Yet I'm not thinking of them in that way. I'm more focused on who they are as a person. The thoughts that run through my head are "is he smart? is he funny? is he a complete jerk to others?".  I'm not drawn to him because of how he looks. I'm looking for how his heart is. In the same way, sometimes I don't realize a guy looks nice until someone points it out fjahfkjldsf

 

On the same token, I do have a tendency to develop feelings for guys that have honest hearts and care for others (bonus if he's smart!!!!). I don't want to do anything with him, but I'm certainly trying to spend more time with him and show I care for him as a person. 

 

While home, I was watching a movie with my mom. It was really good and it showcases a couple trying to deal with the passing of their little boy. Well, in an act of forgiveness and love, the ex-wife and husband started to intensely make out. I'm talking...intense. Like it was an implied s*x scene. I couldn't watch it. I just felt so badly awkward and weird. It made logical sense for the scene to be there, they had finally forgiven each other and were back to being a husband and wife.  I just didn't like how I felt. I couldn't watch it, I felt weird in a bad way, I can't explain it. I just know that I didn't like it. And I'm a freaking adult, I'm almost 21 for goodness' sake!

 

What's my point? I don't really know if I'll ever want sex. Like I always thought that if I were romantically invested in a man and we talked about it, I might be receptive to the idea. But I don't know now. I just don't know if I can imagine myself in a situation like that, even if we were both in love and emotionally invested in each other. I make dirty jokes all the time, yet I can't actually put myself in that situation. I know I'm not lesbian or bi, I've only ever been interested in guys and can't see myself with another girl. So what the heck am I? Even with all these feelings, I still want to have kids one day. What the heck brain??

 

I know labels aren't necessary, but I feel so abnormal. I feel alone and I want to just know what and who I am. Having some sort of word for how I feel helps (emotions are hard, after all, and I do good as it is to identify why I feel certain ways). 

 

Any ideas about what I may be describing? I'm at a loss. Am I even still on the ace spectrum?

[TheAP]

Because you say that you don't want sex with anyone and don't know if you ever will, it sounds to me like you could be ace. 

[NickyTannock]

There are other types of attraction beyond Sexual and Romantic Attraction.
You might find this often posted image helpful, as it explains some important ones,

[Acebooklove]

23 minutes ago, figuringmyselfout said:

A few weeks ago, I joined this site because I found that I related to some of the topics and things that I had heard other a-spec individuals talk about. I knew that I was heteromantic, but I was unsure if I was demi or gray sexual. I talked with other people here and decided that I was demisexual (I didn't even come to the realization that I was on the ace spectrum until it was brought to my attention that needing to have a romantic attraction before sexual attraction was not exactly common). I was fine. I thought I had myself figured out; a heteromantic demisexual who could continue with her schooling and social life without questioning her sexuality anymore. Cool, right?

I actually didn't figure it all out.

 

I went home for Thanksgiving break over the last week and realized some things. I can recognize when someone is trying to be sexual but I don't feel sexual attraction or arousal by that. I've...experimented by myself...but I'm not imagining myself in any sexual situations. It just feels good. That's the only reason why I do it at all. In the same way that I know someone is trying to be sexually appealing, I sometimes understand and can see when someone my age looks 'nice' or 'attractive'. Yet I'm not thinking of them in that way. I'm more focused on who they are as a person. The thoughts that run through my head are "is he smart? is he funny? is he a complete jerk to others?".  I'm not drawn to him because of how he looks. I'm looking for how his heart is. In the same way, sometimes I don't realize a guy looks nice until someone points it out fjahfkjldsf

 

On the same token, I do have a tendency to develop feelings for guys that have honest hearts and care for others (bonus if he's smart!!!!). I don't want to do anything with him, but I'm certainly trying to spend more time with him and show I care for him as a person. 

 

While home, I was watching a movie with my mom. It was really good and it showcases a couple trying to deal with the passing of their little boy. Well, in an act of forgiveness and love, the ex-wife and husband started to intensely make out. I'm talking...intense. Like it was an implied s*x scene. I couldn't watch it. I just felt so badly awkward and weird. It made logical sense for the scene to be there, they had finally forgiven each other and were back to being a husband and wife.  I just didn't like how I felt. I couldn't watch it, I felt weird in a bad way, I can't explain it. I just know that I didn't like it. And I'm a freaking adult, I'm almost 21 for goodness' sake!

 

What's my point? I don't really know if I'll ever want sex. Like I always thought that if I were romantically invested in a man and we talked about it, I might be receptive to the idea. But I don't know now. I just don't know if I can imagine myself in a situation like that, even if we were both in love and emotionally invested in each other. I make dirty jokes all the time, yet I can't actually put myself in that situation. I know I'm not lesbian or gay, I've only ever been interested in guys and can't see myself with another girl. So what the heck am I? Even with all these feelings, I still want to have kids one day. What the heck brain??

 

I know labels aren't necessary, but I feel so abnormal. I feel alone and I want to just know what and who I am. Having some sort of word for how I feel helps (emotions are hard, after all, and I do good as it is to identify why I feel certain ways). 

 

Any ideas about what I may be describing? I'm at a loss. Am I even still on the ace spectrum?

Im new to all of this, firstly welcome!

Second, you do sound ace to me, although a lot of people have different meanings of what being ace means, ace people as far as I know can have a desire for having kids, so there´s nothing wrong with that. 

I´m in the same position as you are right now, I can make dirty jokes, etc, but since at least 2 years I don´t really like the idea of sex or thinking about it. I went on a couple of dates, all which I turned down after I thought they went to far ( trying to kiss me, touch me, etc) I am sex repulsed and while talking about sex doesn´t bother me, I absolutely hate it when the conversation turns into questions about my sex life for instance. 

I hope you find answers in here, welcome.

[figuringmyselfout]

1 hour ago, MichaelTannock said:

There are other types of attraction beyond Sexual and Romantic Attraction.
You might find this often posted image helpful, as it explains some important ones,

Thank you for this, this is really helpful! I have trouble sometimes with the different terms and types of attraction (I'm still new to all of this), I'll be sure to hang onto this

[figuringmyselfout]

2 hours ago, TheAP said:

Because you say that you don't want sex with anyone and don't know if you ever will, it sounds to me like you could be ace. 

 

1 hour ago, Acebooklove said:

Im new to all of this, firstly welcome!

Second, you do sound ace to me, although a lot of people have different meanings of what being ace means, ace people as far as I know can have a desire for having kids, so there´s nothing wrong with that. 

I´m in the same position as you are right now, I can make dirty jokes, etc, but since at least 2 years I don´t really like the idea of sex or thinking about it. I went on a couple of dates, all which I turned down after I thought they went to far ( trying to kiss me, touch me, etc) I am sex repulsed and while talking about sex doesn´t bother me, I absolutely hate it when the conversation turns into questions about my sex life for instance. 

I hope you find answers in here, welcome.

Thank you both of you, that helps clear things up some. I definitely don't want anything, the very idea makes me uncomfortable. 
Also @Acebooklove SAME??? Like I can spout off some off-hand 'that's what she said', but once it comes to actually thinking about doing those things? That's a big nope for me. Like I try not to think about other people doing the do as it is, so let's NOT put me in that scenario, please?? I sometimes think cuddles would be nice, and I certainly wouldn't mind a kiss on the cheek, but anything more? BIG. NOPE.
Welcome to you too!🍰🍰🍰

[Acebooklove]

6 minutes ago, figuringmyselfout said:

 

Thank you both of you, that helps clear things up some. I definitely don't want anything, the very idea makes me uncomfortable. 
Also @Acebooklove SAME??? Like I can spout off some off-hand 'that's what she said', but once it comes to actually thinking about doing those things? That's a big nope for me. Like I try not to think about other people doing the do as it is, so let's NOT put me in that scenario, please?? I sometimes think cuddles would be nice, and I certainly wouldn't mind a kiss on the cheek, but anything more? BIG. NOPE.
Welcome to you too!🍰🍰🍰

Hahaha, yeah. I definitely get you in regards to that matter, and I know!

Please and thank you, don´t put us in there😅.

Cuddles sound nice, but it´s still something I would debate on doing. In regards to kisses in the cheek, I absolutely hate them lol, I´m glad you can put up with it, where I live people say hi all the time with a kiss and I just have to pretend Im not bothered, when in reality I always ask myself: WHY? Specially if its people I don´t know! I can barely let my friends kiss me goodbye lol.

[figuringmyselfout]

4 minutes ago, Acebooklove said:

Hahaha, yeah. I definitely get you in regards to that matter, and I know!

Please and thank you, don´t put us in there😅.

Cuddles sound nice, but it´s still something I would debate on doing. In regards to kisses in the cheek, I absolutely hate them lol, I´m glad you can put up with it, where I live people say hi all the time with a kiss and I just have to pretend Im not bothered, when in reality I always ask myself: WHY? Specially if its people I don´t know! I can barely let my friends kiss me goodbye lol.

See, here's the problem though about cheek kisses...I've never exactly had one from a partner. I have yet to have a romantic relationship that led into physical territory, but I have this feeling that a goodbye kiss from someone I'm dating would be nice (we don't give kisses where I am in the US, but I always melt a little when my youngest sister gives me a goodbye kiss when I leave!). 

Cuddles are iffy too, I'm more of a 'throw your arm over me while we watch a movie' girl, but I haven't done much more than that. I don't blame you for not wanting too much physical contact, I get it! Somedays I can't even do hugs, they just mess with me and I can't do them.

[Acebooklove]

Well, if you ever want to be in a relationship that leads into physical territory I´m sure you will find out! I really don´t like saying "when you have one" because at least for me it´s like a "you must" you know? Perhaps it is nice, after all, it will be someone you know, and not just casually say hi to because your friends are friends with them!😆 Kisses from family are nice though.

I get it as well, hugs can sometimes be overwhelming. I just do hugs with my really good friends so yeah, its completely fine😅

[AspieAlly613]

Unfortunately, I don't think there's a good way to predict how you would feel towards a romantic partner if you still haven't felt romance yet.  

 

I understand your concerns about accidentally leading a guy on "Yeah, that thing that may be your main motivation for dating me...that's NEVER going to happen."  Nobody wants to deceive a romantic partner; people care so much for their partners that to hurt one's partner is to hurt oneself, at least a little.  You have some unanswered questions about how your mind works.  That's okay.  It's also okay to express the fact that those questions are unanswered.  I can't give good advice on when/how it would be appropriate to tell your future boyfriend about this;it would depend on his personality and the culture surrounding you.  Some people would need to be told "Just because I'm not interested in this level of physical contact with you doesn't mean I'm not interested in you."  Others wouldn't even make the assumption to begin with.  

[Guest]

A lot of people dont want sex based on looks. I cant look at someone and think sex. I have to know someone for over a year to even want a hug or kiss, usually. 

 

Until I met my spouse I wasnt interested in anything sexual, period. Now I am. I still dont want to see it from other people on TV or anything though and fantasy with anyone but my partner ? Ew. Took me 30 years to find someone I wanted that way. 

 

So... you still might be demi. You might be ace. You might be sexual. Up to you to decide what fits. 

[roland.o]

On 11/28/2018 at 1:00 AM, figuringmyselfout said:

until it was brought to my attention that needing to have a romantic attraction before sexual attraction was not exactly common

Well, it's not exactly uncommon either, even among sexuals. Which does not mean that I question your labels. I just find this particular trait inconclusive

 

On 11/28/2018 at 1:00 AM, figuringmyselfout said:

While home, I was watching a movie with my mom. [...] an implied s*x scene. I couldn't watch it. I just felt so badly awkward and weird.

Many people would find it awkward to watch that kind of scene with a parent. Would you have felt the same if you had watched that movie alone?

 

On 11/28/2018 at 1:00 AM, figuringmyselfout said:

I don't really know if I'll ever want sex. [...] I just don't know if I can imagine myself in a situation like that,

Don't try to imagine yourself in a situation like that, it's pointless. Being there is totally different from what you can see, hear, or read about it. The visuals hardly matter, whereas the touch becomes dominant. Basically the opposite of video recordings.

 

If you meet someone who makes you want to go there, then give it a try. Until then, don't bother. Just be frank to potential partners about having no intention of going there.

 

On 11/28/2018 at 1:00 AM, figuringmyselfout said:

I know labels aren't necessary, but I feel so abnormal. I feel alone and I want to just know what and who I am. Having some sort of word for how I feel helps (emotions are hard, after all, and I do good as it is to identify why I feel certain ways).

You're not alone, believe me. You're a little out of mainstream, like most folks around here. I vividly remember the feeling of comfort that I experienced when discovering the term "demisexuality". But finding a label is not an end, it's just one step on the path of discovering and accepting yourself. In my case, I've since moved on to the less specific "dark gray".

What you describe sounds very much like you're on the spectrum, either gray or ace. Where exactly is for you to find out. It's a journey, not a quizz that will be solved after the next commercial.

 

I wish you all the best on the road, and I hope you'll hang around here, where you can help to guide others as well. Have some cake...