Havokgoesboarding

Yet another confused newcomer :S

Recommended Posts

Havokgoesboarding

Hello fellow forummers!

let me start off by saying that I just found out about the existence of this website recently and have been processing a lot of information. I'm still super confused about everything, though, and feel the need to spar/talk about things with people who may identify (my friends really don't understand me in this).

So actually I'm wondering what I may be, asexual, gray or demi, or just sexual, I have no clue anymore. I'm 27, identify as gay (female) and never really considered if I was asexual until recently. I'll get to the point of my question quickly but I do feel like I need to explain my situation a little bit.

Until, well, I think, a few weeks ago, I've never been in a serious romantic relationship with another woman. I've fallen in love (I think it was ' falling in love' ) with women in the past and it was the horrendous butterflies in stomach, blushing, cloud in head, misty kind of love that really defies all logic. But these women were always straight without exception. There have been a few gay women who showed interest in me, but I never managed to fall in love with them or develop romantic feelings.

The woman I'm currently seeing is sweet, and I think really into me. But I'm not in love with her. The day/night after spending time with her I can feel excited, nervous about seeing her again, and some other time after seeing her I feel strongly about ending things with her because who am I kidding, I'm not in love with her. And these feelings rotate on a day to day basis and give me a whiplash and confuse the sh*t out of me. But worst of all: I don't want to drag out a potential fruitless endeavor like this because I know it will hurt her immensely. I don't care that my lack of insight hurts me, I'm far more concerned with what it may do to her.

So I started reading a little bit about what the fck could be wrong with me and I came to a few hypotheses:

1. I've only managed to fall in love with women whom I subconsciously knew were absolutely unavailable, ergo I would never get hurt and it was safe to lose myself in that fantasy. Meaning if someone is available, I can't fall in love?
2. I've never actually fallen in love with anyone, it was just a strong desire, like a fantasy, or maybe even something related to lust

I've had sexual encounters with men, but they never really worked for me. I figured this was because I just didn't like men, and this is of course still a real possibility. However, with the woman I'm currently seeing, make-out sessions don't trigger anything for me. I've enjoyed them so far because I feel connected, but they don't urge me into getting more physically intimate with her.

Initially the answer could be simple: you're asexual, so hey, don't worry, it's just not your thing (of course I would worry but that's a different question). Yet what confuses me is that my body does respond biologically, in a sense (f.i. more wetness afterwards - i'm very sorry to disgust some readers out there, I don't know how to sugarcoat this) but I just don't really notice it at the moment itself, and only afterwards? Weird AF. So it's not something neurological, I guess my body 'works'.

I've also fantasized about sex in the past, particularly with the people I thought I was in love with, but never felt the urge to masturbate or anything like that as a result from those fantasies. I thought that was normal but based on other people's reactions I gathered that this is really really not. Probably doesn't help that I've never been able to orgasm as well, maybe this is a result of asexuality or this could be driving towards indifference to sex? I really don't know.

So massively long story short: based on the information I've read so far I still can't make sense of what my (a)sexuality could be considering all the information above. Can asexual people still fall in love? I would love to ' profit' (this is meant gently) from the knowledge of people more experienced in the world of asexuality, I guess?

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
hopeisnotlost

Asexuals can still fall in love,they can also be aroused...This might help with trying to understand asexuality: https://www.asexuality.org/?q=general.html

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SierraMist930

Welcome to AVEN, hun!

 

Asexuals can be turned on, fall in love, etc. There are many different sexualites on the asexual spectrum.

 

Good luck finding yourself, girlfriend.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gizamaluke

I can understand where your coming from. I'm a bi-romantic man and I fall in love with every lesbian i meet because of my asexual nature and they really would be perfect, non-threatening partners, but that relationship would obviously never work in any real sense. Over time I've come to realise that there are woman both asexual or straight who could be compatible with me and recent reading throughout the forum has shown me my ideal type is less rare than I imagined, which is a comfort.

 

In terms of what is love and how do I know I'm feeling it? There's not really an answer i can think of but I know there are many kinds. The kind of love you describe is infatuation, it's exciting it's passionate and obsessive, but is also almost always a one-sided emotion. You project it onto others without expecting a return and this is easier because they can't hurt your feelings, but when love is reciprocated it becomes difficult you start doubting yourself, you think about not being enough while the other person is perfect.

 

I remember a study done years ago based on passionate love over long -term, almost every couple interviewed replied that that original passionate love they had felt for their partner was gone. When asked if that meant the love for their partner wasn't real they replied with, No, it's a different kind of love not born out of passion but our of choice. I love this person because I choose to love them (Not a direct quote but the general idea).

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
roland.o

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @Havokgoesboarding. Have some cake! :cake::D

 

It's not our role to assign labels to others, but based on your description, you might be graysexual or asexual. I consider demi to be within the gray area, so that isn't excluded.

 

I also have a history of falling for unreachable persons. Maybe my subconsciousness considered this a safe way to experience or simulate certain feelings, without the expectation to act on them? Kind of like celebrity crushes? I don't know.

 

I found it useful to distinguish different types of attraction. Having misaligned romantic and sexual orientations, for example, can be quite confusing.

https://secondlina.deviantart.com/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

Sketchcomic - types of Attraction

 

 

44 minutes ago, Havokgoesboarding said:

But worst of all: I don't want to drag out a potential fruitless endeavor like this because I know it will hurt her immensely.

Does every relationship have to lead to a certain outcome? Isn't a relationship a value in itself, as long as it lasts?

Have you considered to talk with your partner about your feelings and concerns? Let her have a say in what's going to happen 🙂

 

I hope that you'll find useful information and maybe some friends in these forums. Welcome again, and have another :cake::D

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Havokgoesboarding
9 minutes ago, roland.o said:

Does every relationship have to lead to a certain outcome? Isn't a relationship a value in itself, as long as it lasts?

Have you considered to talk with your partner about your feelings and concerns? Let her have a say in what's going to happen 🙂

 

I hope that you'll find useful information and maybe some friends in these forums. Welcome again, and have another :cake::D

 

That infographic does make a nice distinction between things many other sites don't, so that is helpful. Thank you for that! :)

You're right of course, the relationship is a fun experience in itself! I'm just still thinking about the whole aspect of 'maybe she's just not right for me and that's why I dont have all these feelings'  in which case I can imagine her frustration if I keep the relationship going for longer than it needs to. As expectations will only grow from here out. But it could also be genuinely that I'm gray/asexual in which case, I should talk to her, yes. I'm just scared I'll hurt her more by dragging this on then ending things now. But you're right, of course!

 

23 minutes ago, Gizamaluke said:

In terms of what is love and how do I know I'm feeling it? There's not really an answer i can think of but I know there are many kinds. The kind of love you describe is infatuation, it's exciting it's passionate and obsessive, but is also almost always a one-sided emotion. You project it onto others without expecting a return and this is easier because they can't hurt your feelings, but when love is reciprocated it becomes difficult you start doubting yourself, you think about not being enough while the other person is perfect.

This is actually pretty insightful! I guess infatuation more accurately described what it was. Because these feelings were never requited I never had the oppertunity to explore what would have happened had the infatuation been mutual. Maybe the feelings would've ebbed away rather quickly in a reciprocal situation. But we'll never know, i guess.

I hear you about the part where the passion in a relationship of course dies off over time. My fear is that, although I do enjoy my current girlfriend's company a lot, it's not even passionate. Every site, every infographic, every conversation with friends talk about a honeymoon period. And I get the sense that if I don't have that to begin with, I may be with the wrong person.

Or I'm just asexual/gray and this is actually normal for me?


I've got some things to think about, thanks everyone! :D

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

Arousal and Sexual Attraction are two different things, as we define Sexual Attraction as leading to the desire to have sex with a specific person, whereas Arousal is a biological response in your body to the prospect of sex.

 

It sounds like you could be Asexual, but there is also a Romantic orientation to consider, possibly Akoiromanticism, since you fell in love with people who would not reciprocate those feelings, and in your current relationship your feelings oscillate.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Havokgoesboarding

I get the feeling this community is really awesome. Thanks for the cakes and welcomes, everyone :)

Also Akoiromanticism, never heard of that before. Interesting!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeast

You make a good point pondering the notion that your romantic feelings only extend to people you already know are unavailable. If this is so I suppose one could say you are in love with being in love. Regarding your friend, I think simply discussing your feelings is the best thing to do. Of course I realize this isn't always easy. You ought to consider the fact relationships need not be romantic. I believe love is based on a foundation of simple friendship. You seem to think you are cheating your friend by not feeling love for her. Do you know what she wants? Maybe she is content to just be friends. I'm not romantic and I don't think I've ever "fallen in love:" so I have to admit a lot of what you describe is a mystery to me. Then again, women seem to be more emotionally intelligent than men. You can probably experience affection a lot better than I can. It doesn't really matter, though. I'm just me and if it means I'm somewhat emotionally retarded, so be it. It's what I am and as long as it doesn't hurt anybody I'm not going to worry about it. Thus far I don't think it ever has. After all is said and done, or not done, I must admit even I may have had a bit of romantic attraction recently. I found an asexual friend and we seemed to have so much in common. She seemed to be my soul mate at times. Sensibility soon returned and I realized we were individuals and not the same person. We will always be friend and it's good enough for me. I think its good enough for her, too.   

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MichaelTannock
13 minutes ago, Havokgoesboarding said:

I get the feeling this community is really awesome. Thanks for the cakes and welcomes, everyone :)

Also Akoiromanticism, never heard of that before. Interesting!

Akoiromanticism is part of the Aromantic Spectrum and used to be called Lithromanticism.
Essentially what it means is you experience Romantic Attraction if it's not reciprocated, and if you're in a romantic relationship, you can lose the romantic attraction you have.
It could be that when you're on the downturn of thinking about ending your relationship, that's what leads to your romantic feelings returning, resulting in the cycle you're experiencing.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Next-Level Consciousness
2 hours ago, Havokgoesboarding said:

1. I've only managed to fall in love with women whom I subconsciously knew were absolutely unavailable, ergo I would never get hurt and it was safe to lose myself in that fantasy. Meaning if someone is available, I can't fall in love?

Regarding this, proculromantic seems like a label you could use if you wanted. It describes someone who will fall into love with someone who will most definitely never be in a relationship with them. Basically, they're only attracted to people who are "out of bounds".

 

With that said, welcome to heAVEN! Have :cake:!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SierraMist930
1 hour ago, MichaelTannock said:

Akoiromanticism is part of the Aromantic Spectrum and used to be called Lithromanticism.

WOW, when did that change?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MichaelTannock
2 minutes ago, SierraMist930 said:

WOW, when did that change?

I don't know when the change happened, but I know that it was proposed at least four years ago, due to a controversy over Lithromantic appropriating Lesbian culture.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SierraMist930
3 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

I don't know when the change happened, but I know that it was proposed at least four years ago, due to a controversy over Lithromantic appropriating Lesbian culture.

YeEt

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now