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Lily the unicorn

Questioning and kinda confused.

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Lily the unicorn

I am so confused but I know I’m on the Ace spectrum somewhere and I think I’m someplace in the gray area. 

 

My entire life I have never looked at any human and thought “I want to have sex with them” or “I find them sexually appealing” or any variation of those comments. 

 

When I see someone that is attractive I usually think things along the lines of “they are cute” or “they are pretty” or I like their outfit” or “I like their hair and makeup”  

 

or for example when when I look at my partner I notice his jawline and how his eyes sparkle in different lighting, I don’t pay attention to his chest or crotch unless we are being intimate. 

 

Thats another thing, when I see someone who is attractive the first things I notice are not the size of their chest or their build or their crotch area. When I see someone attractive I notice their eyes, the shape of their face, their voice, their makeup and outfit and their hair. 

 

However, I do have a very high libido. And I know that Aces can have a libido. 

I just feel like this contributes to my identity and my overall confusion I guess. 

 

I dont know what what else to say. 

 

My partner has told me that they don’t think I am asexual because I’m into sex and because I am a sexual person. I don’t really know how to explain to him all of this and I feel like it would be awkward if I tried to. 

 

Anyways, Has anyone else experienced the whole not being sexually attracted but is a sexual person type of thing? 

Because I do have a high libido however I’ve never looked at someone and thought “I want to have sex with them”

 

if this post is in the wrong place I am sorry and I will move it. 

 

 

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Agent_Smith

Hello lily. It sounds like from what you said that you could possibly be denisexual. Best of luck to you!

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Anthracite_Impreza

Not all sexuals find people attractive, indeed at least half (usually female) desire sexual intimacy only after developing an emotional bond. The thing that binds sexuals together is that they all desire sex at some point, which you also do. For that reason I would agree with your partner that you are sexual.

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roland.o
10 hours ago, Lily the unicorn said:

However, I do have a very high libido.

If your libido involves wanting to have sex with your partner, I'd find it confusing if you called yourself asexual. If you'd rather take care of it yourself, that's another story. So... are you sexually attracted to your partner?

 

It's a common misconception around here that sexual people just look at someone and think: "I want to bang that person." There are people like that, but that's not representative for sexuals in general. And from an asexual perspective, even people in the gray area count as sexuals anyway. That's why the term "gray-asexual" sometimes leads to definition debates, while "graysexual" does not :D

 

Another thing you should be aware of is "responsive sexual desire": http://www.thedirtynormal.com/post/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/

You haven't mentioned anything in that direction, but that article also discusses misconceptions that you might have fallen for.

 

Hope this helps in some way :cake::D

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Tame One

Hi Lily,

 

16 hours ago, Lily the unicorn said:

Anyways, Has anyone else experienced the whole not being sexually attracted but is a sexual person type of thing? 

Yes.

 

Just to be clear, the definition of asexuality used on AVEN is based on sexual attraction, not sexual desire. Sexual attraction is hard to define and a bunch of asexuals are probably not the best people to ask what it is. But the best description I've heard how to distinguish sexual desire and sexual attraction is that sexual desire is general, and sexual attraction is aimed at a specific person. Being sexually attracted to someone definitely doesn't mean you'd just jump into bed with them; the interest might be slight, or it might be overpowered by factors that tell you that, no, you don't want to sex with that person despite what another part of your brain says. It may not be an interest in another person's erogenous zones--an attraction based on someone's eyes could produce sexual interest, as could a personality trait such as someone's sense of humor, and that would still be sexual attraction.

 

Sexual attraction is not, however, a deliberate or rational act.  I experience sexual desire (spontaneous more often than responsive) but the only way it could be described as aimed at anyone is if I aim it deliberately. There is no sense in which my sexual interest in a specific person is "an emotional response" to quote the AVEN wiki definition of sexual attraction.

But take all that with a grain of salt. Not experiencing sexual attraction means that we don't know what it actually feels like.  It wouldn't hurt to go searching for how allosexual's describe their sexual attraction (how sexual desire and sexual attraction compares for people who have both, or how sexual attraction and romantic attraction compare for those who experience both), that way you can see if their experiences sound anything like yours.

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Serran

I have never looked at someone and wanted sex with them. My attraction is sparked by how much I love my partner, not their looks. I am not ace because I desire them sexually. 

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Lily the unicorn

Wow! Thank you for this feedback! I didn’t know and realize some things until now..

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