songchick

Can calling yourself Ace just be hiding from being gay?

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songchick

Hey all,

 

I am currently in a relationship with a nice guy for over 6 months, and we've talked every day online for over a year now.  I have been passionate about him up until the last week, when I visited him and his family for Thanksgiving.  I have these fears occasionally that I am gay, in that I'm not into the kissing and the sex 100%.  It's more like I like the idea of it, but I feel like I'm pretending a bit.   Does this mean I'm not attracted to men and that I'm gay, or does it mean I'm ace and that I don't like sex in general?  I'd rather be ace than a lesbian, but maybe that is due to internalized homophobia and prejudice on my part.  I just don't want to be a part of the lesbian community, honestly.  It makes me feel scared and uncomfortable.

 

Let me know what y'all think.

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Xenobot

Well, have you ever thought about girls in a way that would make you suspect you’re attracted to them, or is it simply the absence of feeling towards men that makes you worried? An absence of feeling towards men doesn’t automatically mean you must have certain feelings for women. However, I must say, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a lesbian. They’re just people like anyone else.

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Agent_Smith

I have a lesbian cousin. She's the funniest, nicest person I know, and when she came out to me, I just loved her more in that family way. I guess am just saying that it's ok to be any sexuallity.

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songchick

Aw, thanks both for being encouraging and accepting.

 

I don't know, when I meet with lesbians, I don't feel like they're kindred spirits.  I have this fear that I'm in "denial," and I'm "repressing" feelings of attraction that are there but I don't want to feel.  That's a big part of my confusion.  I feel like my subconscious mind is having feelings that I don't know about, and one day they'll explode and force me to be a different sexuality than I want to be.  I have a mental illness disability (schizoaffective disorder, combo of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder), and I've had my fair share of mental health crises where subconscious stressors exploded in my face, causing repeated relapses and eventual disability status.  Thankfully, I'm rehabilitated now, and I'm working full time & getting a masters in social work simultaneously.

 

Yet still, this experience scares me.  LIke one day, I'll wake up and be a lesbian.  Wow I sound so discriminatory.  It's like I have this conservative rhetoric in my mind for whatever reason.  I wasn't raised to be discriminating in this way, although my family is/was politically conservative.  Really frustrating here.

 

Do I fantasize about women?  I don't think so.  I'll look at women walking by and I mostly get jealous of how skinny people are.  I'll find men aesthetically pleasing also.  In any case, I'd rather be ace than gay.  -_- Apologies if I've offended anyone here.  I'm trying to be more open-minded, and my boyfriend really helps me with this.  Just scared that I'm a lesbian, and therefore I'm leading him on.  Calling myself ace seems more comfortable, and I think it's more accurate anyway.

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Hapa

I don't call myself Ace in person, just Gay.. which leads to a whole can of worms because then people ask why you never date, etc... which leads to explaining I'm a happy Ace.

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songchick
17 minutes ago, Hapa said:

I don't call myself Ace in person, just Gay.. which leads to a whole can of worms because then people ask why you never date, etc... which leads to explaining I'm a happy Ace.

Ooh, ok.  Do you consider yourself a gay ace? 

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Yeast

The local lesbian community has solved my isolation problems. I prefer women as friends but only as friends. Most of them expect romance eventually but I can't be anything except myself and I refuse to be something I am not. Sex and romance is never an issue with my lesbian friends. They have each other and we can all enjoy being together and being ourselves. Another friend is an asexual and we also enjoy each other's company. I guess what I'm trying to say is just be yourself and not worry about what you are and are not.  What you are is all right. If something you are not makes you uncomfortable it probably isn't you.

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Hapa
36 minutes ago, songchick said:

Ooh, ok.  Do you consider yourself a gay ace? 

Absolulely; its all labels but the trending physics is that something not straight is.. queer/gay.

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songchick
1 hour ago, Yeast said:

If something you are not makes you uncomfortable it probably isn't you.

1

That's what I hope this fear is all about.  Trying to figure out what is me, and knowing and being confident enough that this is who I am, etc.  I'd ideally like to be straight and demisexual.

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Xenobot

You really don’t sound like a person in denial to me. When you see pretty women, it sounds more like you maybe feel a little envious, but not attracted to them.

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Kayze

I mean, maybe? I mean, I could be in denial of my hetero feelings but I just don't feel them. My general lack of interest in kissing and spontaneous cuddling isn't reason for me to deny my romantic orientation, as I still long for a deep romantic relationship. So, if you don't feel such urges to the same-sex, then I wouldn't assume you have them. But life is all about exploring your feelings and learning about yourself, so who really knows?

 

Just do what feels right and what feels comfortable. Be willing to strip yourself from worries of labels and see what your body tells you instead.

 

4 hours ago, Hapa said:

I don't call myself Ace in person, just Gay.. which leads to a whole can of worms because then people ask why you never date, etc... which leads to explaining I'm a happy Ace.

Same. I mentioned it very rarely around family, coworkers, and my non-furry, non-LGBTQ friends. Gay is easily identifiable and covers my romantic interests, while gray-a tends to bring about more questions/confusion than necessary. In LGBTQ and some furry groups, I tend to be more specific; Especially if I'm dating.

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Hapa

So yea for song, just because she isn't interested in sex with the opposite sex, doesn't make her lesbian. It's a shame though people seem to tend to jump to or 'suspect' that conclusion. I find culture in the Americas to be incredibly dichotomous - you're either Dem or Rep, Rich or Poor, Black or White, Straight or Gay, etc, etc.

 

Growing up in Queens/America in my experience, if you're not hetero (sexually interested in the opposite sex) then by default you are presumed queer/gay/etc.

 

I'd like to think portals like this forum help reduce such assumptions for those with eyes online to bother reading here and there and realizing the importance of individuality  rather than juxtaposing which side of 'the fence' Tom. Pat or Sally are each on.

 

Frankly I don't see how folks who are hetero but cheat on their significant other or spouse are still 'straight' but apparently based on this heterocentric society, somehow they still are.

 

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Sleighcaptain

Never say never. 

There have been people, including on this forum, who have, after a while, concluded that they are not asexual. 

 

Maybe its simply that you're not at the right point in a relationship to want to get physical 

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Anthracite_Impreza

Well you can be gay and ace, same as you can be straight and ace, if we're talking purely about orientation.

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roland.o
On 11/25/2018 at 9:28 PM, songchick said:

I just don't want to be a part of the lesbian community, honestly.

Nobody can force you to become part of a community. No ace is forced to join the ace community, no gay person is forced to join the gay community.

 

On 11/25/2018 at 9:28 PM, songchick said:

I'd rather be ace than a lesbian

Your sexual orientation is not controlled by your will. If you put yourself under pressure to be one way or another, in an aspect which is not under your control, you're not doing yourself a favour. You're creating stress for yourself, with no way to escape.

 

Can you try to deal with your feelings as you encounter them, instead of worrying about feelings you may or may not have one day?

 

On 11/25/2018 at 9:28 PM, songchick said:

I'm not into the kissing and the sex 100%.  It's more like I like the idea of it, but I feel like I'm pretending a bit.   Does this mean I'm not attracted to men and that I'm gay, or does it mean I'm ace and that I don't like sex in general?

You're trying to generalize from not enough data. It might as well mean that you haven't met the right person yet. Or that you haven't sufficiently connected with your partner yet. Or that your relationship is actually quite alright, and you're just worrying because of unrealistic expectations. Who's to tell, if not you yourself?

 

Do you like what you do with your partner? Then continue. If not, stop. If you can think of ways (to try) that might make you like it better, try them.

 

Maybe it helps to consider it as a form of communication. Communication has two important aspects: what you want to convey, and what the other understands. If you know that kissing your partner will make him understand what you want to convey, it is OK to kiss him. Even if you would prefer to have a different way to make him understand. Of course, that concept works both ways. If you'd rather that your partner uses another way to express his affection to you, let him know about it.

 

I hope some of this makes sense to you. All the best... :cake::D:cake:

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songchick
1 minute ago, roland.o said:

Nobody can force you to become part of a community. No ace is forced to join the ace community, no gay person is forced to join the gay community.

 

Your sexual orientation is not controlled by your will. If you put yourself under pressure to be one way or another, in an aspect which is not under your control, you're not doing yourself a favour. You're creating stress for yourself, with no way to escape.

 

Can you try to deal with your feelings as you encounter them, instead of worrying about feelings you may or may not have one day?

 

You're trying to generalize from not enough data. It might as well mean that you haven't met the right person yet. Or that you haven't sufficiently connected with your partner yet. Or that your relationship is actually quite alright, and you're just worrying because of unrealistic expectations. Who's to tell, if not you yourself?

 

Do you like what you do with your partner? Then continue. If not, stop. If you can think of ways (to try) that might make you like it better, try them.

 

Maybe it helps to consider it as a form of communication. Communication has two important aspects: what you want to convey, and what the other understands. If you know that kissing your partner will make him understand what you want to convey, it is OK to kiss him. Even if you would prefer to have a different way to make him understand. Of course, that concept works both ways. If you'd rather that your partner uses another way to express his affection to you, let him know about it.

 

I hope some of this makes sense to you. All the best... :cake::D:cake:

Ooh, lots of heavy suggestions here.  Cool!  I feel like I first have to do some soul-searching within myself to figure out what my needs are, and then I can go about communicating them.  I think the one struggle is like, I "have" to experiment with a woman to "figure it out," but I don't want to because I'm in a relationship.  But I've got some points to think of.  I discovered recently a name for an experience I have: aphantasia.  This is the inability to make pictures in my "mind's eye."  This is definitely a reason why I cannot have sexual fantasies.  I see no pictures in my head whatsoever, and really I have no sensory experience in my mind's eye at all, none of the 5 senses.  I really think instead in words and feelings.  I guess when following your ideas, I can defer to my words, thoughts and feelings to determine who and what I am attracted to, and also determining what I want for myself.

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Nowhere Girl

Well, I would never want to be heterosexual. I wouldn't like to be allosexual anyway, but heterosexuality feels even worse to me.

But it doesn't seem to me like you're a lesbian. Recently I've read about a specific form of OCD where people have obsessive thoughts about possibly being gay, often with very little justification. (It has been suggested to another user that he seems to be developing something like that, but with obsession directed towards the idea whether he is or isn't asexual). It's not like they actually feel attracted to the same gender, it's just their minds creating this kind of worries.

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Deus Ex Infinity
On 11/25/2018 at 9:28 PM, songchick said:

Hey all,

 

I am currently in a relationship with a nice guy for over 6 months, and we've talked every day online for over a year now.  I have been passionate about him up until the last week, when I visited him and his family for Thanksgiving.  I have these fears occasionally that I am gay, in that I'm not into the kissing and the sex 100%.  It's more like I like the idea of it, but I feel like I'm pretending a bit.   Does this mean I'm not attracted to men and that I'm gay, or does it mean I'm ace and that I don't like sex in general?  I'd rather be ace than a lesbian, but maybe that is due to internalized homophobia and prejudice on my part.  I just don't want to be a part of the lesbian community, honestly.  It makes me feel scared and uncomfortable.

 

Let me know what y'all think.

Just because you're not keen of kissing or having sex with your boyfriend doesn't have to mean that you're gay unless you'd experience romantic attraction towards other women. You could be heteroromantic ace.However, there's no way to decided upon your sexual orientation. It's just the way you are. You can still choose to ignore it but it's usually a very unhealthy road since you would need to surpress your urges constantly. Many people would therefore start to suffer from physical or mental issues at some point, without knowing why at first.

 

Anyway, I don't think that you'll have to worried about these things since it sounds to me as if you're on the ace spectrum.

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Wineblood
On 11/25/2018 at 8:28 PM, songchick said:

I just don't want to be a part of the lesbian community, honestly.  It makes me feel scared and uncomfortable.

I don't consider myself a part of the AVEN/asexual community, but I'm still demi. You don't have to be a part of community if you don't want to.

 

As for knowing whether you're ace or gay, it'll be a combination of gut feeling and experiencing that side of things. When I first considered that I wasn't straight, the next logical choice was gay. I tried talking to other guys and one seemed to like me. We were in the same halls at uni and he came over to my room. It made me extremely uncomfortable quite quickly and I had to ask him to leave. From that I knew I liked girls romantically and really wasn't interested in guys, so when I found out about asexuality and settled on hetero demi, those experiences made sense.

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sababajwa
On 11/25/2018 at 12:28 PM, songchick said:

Hey all,

 

I am currently in a relationship with a nice guy for over 6 months, and we've talked every day online for over a year now.  I have been passionate about him up until the last week, when I visited him and his family for Thanksgiving.  I have these fears occasionally that I am gay, in that I'm not into the kissing and the sex 100%.  It's more like I like the idea of it, but I feel like I'm pretending a bit.   Does this mean I'm not attracted to men and that I'm gay, or does it mean I'm ace and that I don't like sex in general?  I'd rather be ace than a lesbian, but maybe that is due to internalized homophobia and prejudice on my part.  I just don't want to be a part of the lesbian community, honestly.  It makes me feel scared and uncomfortable.

 

Let me know what y'all think.

I’m not gay at all but if I didn’t believe in God I mean I’m not gonna lie I get along with females and dealt with that in my youth though I’m innocent I like personality but prefer a man partner but men r so rude truth is is u aren’t gay u shouldn’t question it if u aren’t and it’s just a thought it’s not deep

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