Dreamer8 Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 I have always described myself as asexual and am a virgin, used to be repulsed by sex completely. Though when I met someone whom I find myself (sexually) attracted to for the first time ever in my life, I question if I'm ace. I beleive Grey Ace is appropriate as they sometimes have attraction? He's very open so I talked to him and found out he likes to have sex often which is perfectly reasonable but I'm wondering if other ace members have sex and find it's not weird and okay to not be all sexed up or think it's unreasonable as he wouldn't enjoy sex as much because I'm maybe not? He mentioned that the girl he lost his virginity to was refraining from sexual contact for the first few months so he thought the girl didn't like him and I don't want him to think of me like that. I've heard partners say they can't enjoy themselves if their partner isn't. I don't want to think about forcing myself to try sex to keep the relationship going because that doesn't sound healthy to me and I wouldn't do that. Maybe I'm a little ahead of myself, he doesn't know I'm interested yet I think. Also, I'm super confident asking any question to anyone but I get super nervous and clumsy around him and feel envious of any affection he recieves from others, even if it's just a friendly hug. Like some girls who are just friends sit on his lap so casually and I'm thinking how do you do that? I feel I have to ask to do anything like that and then they feel abliged to say yes to spare feelings though they didn't want to. Any advice is welcome! Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Welcome to AVEN! It sounds like you're Demisexual since you say that you experienced Sexual Attraction for the first time towards this person after meeting them, rather than because of the circumstances of a particular situation. A Demisexual experiences Sexual Attraction towards someone they've formed an emotional bond with, and I'd say love is the bond in this case. I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship, so I can't give you any experience-based advice, but I think you should be honest with them about your feelings. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, Link to post Share on other sites
Juliatransdress Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Welcome to AVEN Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer8 Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 13 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said: Welcome to AVEN! It sounds like you're Demisexual since you say that you experienced Sexual Attraction for the first time towards this person after meeting them, rather than because of the circumstances of a particular situation. A Demisexual experiences Sexual Attraction towards someone they've formed an emotional bond with, and I'd say love is the bond in this case. I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship, so I can't give you any experience-based advice, but I think you should be honest with them about your feelings. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, Thank you for your advice! Don't think it's love just yet, more infatuation😀Beautiful cake, I'd love some cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
Evenstar Posted November 23, 2018 Share Posted November 23, 2018 Howdy! Asexual here who is also in a relationship with a heterosexual. Personally, I would not equate an interest in, comfort with, or curiosity about the act of sex as being the same thing as sexual attraction. However, everyone is different and experiences things differently! The most important thing you can do in an ace/allo relationship is to communicate well. Communicate your intentions, your desires, your fears, or your lack-there-any-of. Be careful not to make assumptions about your partner and his desires, particularly negative ones - as this can sew the seeds for creating anxiety and resentment in your relationship. Talk to your partner more, then engage in sexual activities if/when you both feel comfortable and on the same page to do so. Never feel obligated, afraid, or force yourself! When I first became sexually active with my current partner, we had spent several months talking about our sexualities; our differences, our preferences, our common ground. After I got comfortable with him and came to trust him as a person, then I became open to the idea of sex. You could say I even enjoy it because I enjoy him as a person, and I enjoy being mentally/emotionally close to him. Sex is very intimate in both those ways. Being interested in having sex with someone or "liking" sex does not automatically invalidate you from being asexual, but it's also perfectly okay to question yourself while you figure things out! 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted November 23, 2018 Share Posted November 23, 2018 Hah, it sounds like you're in love. If you haven't had sex yet, it may be hard to tell the difference between (a) wanting to please a partner & curiosity about sex vs. (b) sexual desire/attraction. If you're sexual you should take it slow, if you're asexual you should definitely take it slow: "sex under pressure" is bad regardless of your orientation so it's good to be open with a partner about ambivalence, curiosity, concerns. My partner sounds a bit like @Evenstar (has sex for secondary reasons, because I want it, makes me closer to him). On the other hand, you sound like you could turn out to be a sexual that needed to take their time getting started & feel trust and love before wanting sex. I'd recommend being open to all those possibilities and avoid feeling pressure to be one or the other. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer8 Posted November 29, 2018 Author Share Posted November 29, 2018 On 11/23/2018 at 12:38 PM, anisotropic said: Hah, it sounds like you're in love. If you haven't had sex yet, it may be hard to tell the difference between (a) wanting to please a partner & curiosity about sex vs. (b) sexual desire/attraction. If you're sexual you should take it slow, if you're asexual you should definitely take it slow: "sex under pressure" is bad regardless of your orientation so it's good to be open with a partner about ambivalence, curiosity, concerns. My partner sounds a bit like @Evenstar (has sex for secondary reasons, because I want it, makes me closer to him). On the other hand, you sound like you could turn out to be a sexual that needed to take their time getting started & feel trust and love before wanting sex. I'd recommend being open to all those possibilities and avoid feeling pressure to be one or the other. I think you've summed it up very well, thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer8 Posted November 29, 2018 Author Share Posted November 29, 2018 Update: I've spoken to my crushes friends and none of them think I have a shot. Fml. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 29 minutes ago, Dreamer8 said: Update: I've spoken to my crushes friends and none of them think I have a shot. Fml. @Dreamer8 It's hard! But you could tell him anyway, to let him know in a way where you don't expect to have a chance but hope it's flattering to hear. I had a crush in my late 30s! Horrible! And I've had people like me & I didn't feel reciprocal feelings. It can be flattering to hear, if it's not presented with pressure -- knowing someone felt that way about me is something I have a positive memory about, just telling someone you like them can be an odd sort of gift you can give someone, if done nicely. The tough part is then letting go. It can take a lot of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer8 Posted November 29, 2018 Author Share Posted November 29, 2018 On 11/21/2018 at 10:22 PM, Dreamer8 said: I have always described myself as asexual and am a virgin, used to be repulsed by sex completely. Though when I met someone whom I find myself (sexually) attracted to for the first time ever in my life, I question if I'm ace. I beleive Grey Ace is appropriate as they sometimes have attraction? He's very open so I talked to him and found out he likes to have sex often which is perfectly reasonable but I'm wondering if other ace members have sex and find it's not weird and okay to not be all sexed up or think it's unreasonable as he wouldn't enjoy sex as much because I'm maybe not? He mentioned that the girl he lost his virginity to was refraining from sexual contact for the first few months so he thought the girl didn't like him and I don't want him to think of me like that. I've heard partners say they can't enjoy themselves if their partner isn't. I don't want to think about forcing myself to try sex to keep the relationship going because that doesn't sound healthy to me and I wouldn't do that. Maybe I'm a little ahead of myself, he doesn't know I'm interested yet I think. Also, I'm super confident asking any question to anyone but I get super nervous and clumsy around him and feel envious of any affection he recieves from others, even if it's just a friendly hug. Like some girls who are just friends sit on his lap so casually and I'm thinking how do you do that? I feel I have to ask to do anything like that and then they feel abliged to say yes to spare feelings though they didn't want to. 1 hour ago, anisotropic said: @Dreamer8 It's hard! But you could tell him anyway, to let him know in a way where you don't expect to have a chance but hope it's flattering to hear. I had a crush in my late 30s! Horrible! And I've had people like me & I didn't feel reciprocal feelings. It can be flattering to hear, if it's not presented with pressure -- knowing someone felt that way about me is something I have a positive memory about, just telling someone you like them can be an odd sort of gift you can give someone, if done nicely. The tough part is then letting go. It can take a lot of time. Thank you! I just don't want to be creepy about it like staring all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer8 Posted December 1, 2018 Author Share Posted December 1, 2018 Another update: some nasty people have said awful things to crush to make him not like me, devastated. Link to post Share on other sites
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