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BraveMind

Miserable and Frustrated

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MrDane

I think, the idea of watching porn together could easily turn out to be fuel to the desire for getting a spark going for the ace’s desire. Not gonna happen. 

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MrDane
6 minutes ago, Serran said:

So cant you ask her why she prefers quickies ? Or would she not tell you?

She is quite private about her feelings and I fear she is not going to say it out as it really is. It goes through a filter first. Perhaps partly because she isnt that sure about it. Partly because it is so far off her radar, that she hardly thinks of it, until ‘date nigth’ , Therefore it comes in steps as we go along. And it varies and changes, like first kiss is okay. Second is okay. No, wait! Second wasnt. And now third is awkward and not nice. But perhaps I do not “see” until fourth kiss, and then I have unwillingly to do so, kind of violated her and the whole session have changed from a couple who shares a moment of bodily intimacy, with a niceness and affectionate ring to it, now turned into her allowing me to use parts of her body to masturbate. 

Yes, communication is key. But the lock tends to malfunction. 

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Serran

Ah. Hm. Can you make a safe word then ? That way all she has to say is ... bananas or something to explain not OK. 

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Serran said:

So cant you ask her why she prefers quickies ? Or would she not tell you?

Sometimes things like that are also similar to “I want to know my grades now, but only if they are good.  If they are bad I want to live in ignorant (if anxious) bliss a little longer.”

 

I.e., sometimes it’s less painful to hope it may be a happy explanation (even while stressing that it might not be) than to know for sure it’s an unhappy one.

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daktarishine
On 11/23/2018 at 10:03 PM, BraveMind said:

The part about me not coping is true. I'm thinking about sex too much and it's ruining my enjoyment of basic tasks, even lunch. It's even ruining my relations with other women around me.

i feel this i think about sex all the darn time...wishing and day dreaming...

 

reading people insinuating separation makes me scared to my core but am also strangely starting to see it as a possibility....

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Sally
On 11/29/2018 at 4:18 PM, ryn2 said:

Sometimes things like that are also similar to “I want to know my grades now, but only if they are good.  If they are bad I want to live in ignorant (if anxious) bliss a little longer.”

 

I.e., sometimes it’s less painful to hope it may be a happy explanation (even while stressing that it might not be) than to know for sure it’s an unhappy one.

It sounds like you affirmatively don't want communication, because you don't want to hear what she feels.  

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ryn2
2 hours ago, Sally said:

It sounds like you affirmatively don't want communication, because you don't want to hear what she feels.  

Was that to me or to MrDane?  I’m puzzled as to who she is if you meant me.

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MrDane
8 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Was that to me or to MrDane?  I’m puzzled as to who she is if you meant me.

I’ll take that one @ryn2 ! My point was, that it is difficult for her, my ace wife, to express/feel how she feels beforehand, i guess as she is a bit overwhelmed. Why don’t I constanly ask? Because that would be annoying. Like if you play a board game with someone, who really like the game, and you are more ‘meeh!?, okay but I enjoy the company’ . If you constanly push for evaluations, and you get no options to work around or improve or next time is a new game!? I ask and encourage her to say if something is too much or a bit too much or ‘not this time-ish’. 

My point about the difficulty with the expression ‘a quickie’ was that she is probably even more uncomfortable with explaining than with doing. My difficulty was about not knowing other factors than the timeframe.

 

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BraveMind

Sorry for the long delay. Update:

 

I've been following the 10 Commandments @anisotropic posted earlier in the thread and we're averaging 1 session every two weeks at the moment -- we've never had a frequency like that, ever. Though the quantity has improved, the quality is unchanged. I still have to work around many restrictions and have only one standard position to work with. I've had trouble getting in the mood and performing as she still just basically lays there until it's done.

 

We watched the softcore films together. She didn't see anything beautiful about them. She only commented on how gross some of the (very basic) acts were. We even watched some hardcore ones with funny plots. Besides a few laughs it was clear we wouldn't be trying anything in them. 

 

I'm still not satisfied but trying my best to be patient as the situation seemingly improves. Yesterday I posed for a group photo at work and a lovely young female coworker snuggled up to me. I put my arm around her and onto her hip. It felt nice and sex immediately came to mind. I do think about sex a lot.

 

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SCPDX
On 12/8/2018 at 6:04 AM, BraveMind said:

Though the quantity has improved, the quality is unchanged. I still have to work around many restrictions and have only one standard position to work with. I've had trouble getting in the mood and performing as she still just basically lays there until it's done.

 

This is where my wife and I were 2-4 years ago. She claimed she was trying to have sex with me monthly (or was it weekly?) Whichever, it ended up being every 1-4 months, one position only, severe restrictions on where I was allowed to touch her, her making sure to dress for the occasion in an ugly t shirt (NEVER getting completely naked), only in the morning to maximize the chances of one of our children waking up and preventing it from happening, and a main goal of getting It over with as soon as possible.

 

For a number of reasons, I decided to give up and quit initiating sex. Mainly, it wasn’t worth it for both of us to be miserable. I’m trying to deal with it in my end. My level of success in dealing with it depends on the day. 

 

I sincerely hope that my outcome isn’t the eventual outcome for you, but it might be something you have to think about.

 

You have some key differences. My wife is strongly averse to marriage counseling. Also, my wife tried to schedule sex with me exactly once and it was a disaster (she cancelled and I basically had a breakdown). 

 

Best of luck to you. 

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BraveMind
48 minutes ago, SCPDX said:

This is where my wife and I were 2-4 years ago. She claimed she was trying to have sex with me monthly (or was it weekly?) Whichever, it ended up being every 1-4 months, one position only, severe restrictions on where I was allowed to touch her, her making sure to dress for the occasion in an ugly t shirt (NEVER getting completely naked), only in the morning to maximize the chances of one of our children waking up and preventing it from happening, and a main goal of getting It over with as soon as possible.

I had to double-check that I didn't write this post, it reads so familiar. A plain t-shirt is my wife's sex uniform too, never wears any sexy or just plain regular lingerie to bed even on request.

 

I too am glad she willingly went to the counselling. She talks more about sex now and is more aware that I have needs. However, now that we officially know she's asexual I feel less hopeful I will ever have real sex the way I want to enjoy it. I've also noticed we've been arguing more.

 

You're both still together? How do you cope? Any tips?

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Serran
12 minutes ago, TheHermit1.618 said:

Why would you want to over ride normal brain activity when, according to what you said before, you are a more "cerebral" sort of person? I assume it's the cerebral part that makes you attracted to someone more than the physical (going by what you said, maybe I am projecting), so why would you want to over ride that?

Because even people who connect with others mentally enjoy the hormonal bonding ... it's the same thing you get when you pet a dog, or hug a child, etc. Except, sex floods it along with other pleasure responses. Just because someone is cerebral doesn't mean they don't like feeling good. 

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Telecaster68

Why would one rule out the other? It's like saying just because you understand music theory, you'd have no interest in being moved by a performance. 

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SCPDX
13 hours ago, BraveMind said:

You're both still together? How do you cope? Any tips?

Still together. I am coping better now than when this started nine years ago.  The important thing was to focus on myself - I went to therapy, got in better shape, and found my own selfish reasons for staying. I did the calculation that if I left, my whole family would be miserable and I’d be about as unhappy as I am now. Basically, it’s easier for me to take on being unhappy if the rest of my family is happy. So here I am. 

 

Up until about nine months ago, I tried to cope by drinking a lot. I don’t recommend that. I cut way back (like 95%) after having multiple consecutive gout attacks that lasted an entire month. 

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BraveMind

You should never celebrate before winning: just as my situation soared to new quantity heights it quickly made an emergency landing over the past 3 weeks. We're back to our old ways and the tension leads to fights over the smallest things like not turning a lamp off. 

 

I've run out of ideas but to my surprise the wife suggested I get a realistic sex doll. Though some of the dolls I Googled looked amazing I'm saddened by the suggestion. Toys are not an option for me. I've tried some in the past and just felt silly. 

 

She did make a comment that if I lived in Amsterdam I could visit the women in the windows there. If I did live in such a place I may have used their services by now. 

 

I feel we need to make a decision in the next few weeks. I've done all I can.

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anisotrophic

Oof. @BraveMind It sounds like she doesn't see it as something that's an emotional thing for you, but like a mechanical process.

 

Do you think about *why* those things aren't the same, and if that's something you could articulate?

 

Is it possible she didn't feel sufficiently appreciated for the sex you did have?

 

Edit to add: if you aren't able to communicate to a better place, it's fair to call an end to things, not drag it out.

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Telecaster68
9 hours ago, BraveMind said:

You should never celebrate before winning: just as my situation soared to new quantity heights it quickly made an emergency landing over the past 3 weeks. We're back to our old ways and the tension leads to fights over the smallest things like not turning a lamp off. 

 

I've run out of ideas but to my surprise the wife suggested I get a realistic sex doll. Though some of the dolls I Googled looked amazing I'm saddened by the suggestion. Toys are not an option for me. I've tried some in the past and just felt silly. 

 

She did make a comment that if I lived in Amsterdam I could visit the women in the windows there. If I did live in such a place I may have used their services by now. 

 

I feel we need to make a decision in the next few weeks. I've done all I can.

Sounds like she's decided it's not her problem, or at least she has nothing to contribute to a solution. Where does that leave your relationship?

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IronHamster
10 hours ago, BraveMind said:

You should never celebrate before winning: just as my situation soared to new quantity heights it quickly made an emergency landing over the past 3 weeks. We're back to our old ways and the tension leads to fights over the smallest things like not turning a lamp off. 

 

I've run out of ideas but to my surprise the wife suggested I get a realistic sex doll. Though some of the dolls I Googled looked amazing I'm saddened by the suggestion. Toys are not an option for me. I've tried some in the past and just felt silly. 

 

She did make a comment that if I lived in Amsterdam I could visit the women in the windows there. If I did live in such a place I may have used their services by now. 

 

I feel we need to make a decision in the next few weeks. I've done all I can.

I am so sorry for your predicament.   I have been there.  I planned to leave once my youngest graduated high school, but my refuser ended it early.  You make a decision every day.  You just need to move down the list of options.  

 

1) Stay and be miserable.  

2) Stay, and pressure your spouse to do things they don't want to do.  

3) Stay, but get your needs met outside the relationship with permission and clear communication.  

4) Stay, but get your needs met outside the relationship without permission.   

5) Leave, because the relationship is not meeting your needs and it is the honest thing to do.   

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BraveMind
1 hour ago, IronHamster said:

3) Stay, but get your needs met outside the relationship with permission and clear communication

We appear to be at this level at the moment.

 

I'm embarrassed and selfish about how I feel. Even more so when she rightfully points out that I should be happy because we have good health, a loving family, and a comfortable life in general. It isn't worth ruining all this over one major mismatch.

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ryn2
58 minutes ago, BraveMind said:

Even more so when she rightfully points out that I should be happy because we have good health, a loving family, and a comfortable life in general. It isn't worth ruining all this over one major mismatch.

She can’t make that assessment on your behalf, though.  From her perspective the other aspects of your life together may outweigh this downside... but only you can determine whether or not that’s also true from your perspective.  It’s entirely possible that - for you - the other things *don’t* sufficiently offset the mismatch (as evidenced by your continuing unhappiness).

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IronHamster

It is my personal observation that a one sided open marriage is a bandaid.  Couples with successful open relationships both enjoy sex, and enjoy showing off what they have, such as swinging and cuck lifestyles.  But, allowing a FWB or other outsourcing can sustain a sexless marriage for a while.  

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ryn2
1 minute ago, IronHamster said:

It is my personal observation that a one sided open marriage is a bandaid.  Couples with successful open relationships both enjoy sex, and enjoy showing off what they have, such as swinging and cuck lifestyles.  But, allowing a FWB or other outsourcing can sustain a sexless marriage for a while.  

I do know people in longstanding, successful poly relationships where one or more partners are ace - some with multiple nonsexual relationships of their own, some as “just” metamours - but those are all cases where everyone involved is innately poly/poly-friendly, and they are relationship webs which evolved naturally out of a poly-minded desire to share happiness and love with additional people... NOT situations entered into in an attempt to correct a shortcoming in a primary relationship.

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