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BraveMind

Miserable and Frustrated

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Telecaster68

How would you feel about being shown tasteful erotica by a male friend hoping to encourage you to have sex with him?

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ryn2

Sorry, I meant “have you talked with your partner about you picking a set of videos, and then the two of you watching them together?” rather than “have you talked about selecting the videos together?”

 

I could definitely have worded that more clearly!  :)

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BraveMind
17 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Very basic question, @BraveMind:  at this point, is your hope still that therapy/discussion/compromise can save the relationship?  Or is it more that you’ll reach a point where the relationship clearly - ideally, to both of you - needs to end?

I want to keep the relationship going. This recent aversion I have towards her worries me though. I'm hoping we'll get to the point where @anisotropic is with her partner. We do genuinely love eachother. But she has sacrificed a lot. Can I do the same?

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BraveMind
1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

Sorry, I meant “have you talked with your partner about you picking a set of videos, and then the two of you watching them together?” rather than “have you talked about selecting the videos together?”

 

I could definitely have worded that more clearly!  :)

LOL yes, she's aware I'm doing this.

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BraveMind
12 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

How would you feel about being shown tasteful erotica by a male friend hoping to encourage you to have sex with him?

Yes, I did think about this too. :) She did say yes to the plan so a step further than I would have gone. 

 

Again at least she will see what sexuals enjoy and what I'm missing out on. Maybe lead to an open marriage.

 

Mind you we have been to a few movies at the cinema recently where there was softcore-like sex on screen but no reaction from her.

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anisotrophic
1 minute ago, BraveMind said:

LOL yes, she's aware I'm doing this.

Well that's good at least!

 

I do remain skeptical that your therapist had good advice, given they also described a lousy track record.

Adapting was tough, but it's got some odd rewards. Also – I prefer they/them although I am admittedly a bit pregnant at the moment. But one weird reward is I don't have to stay female...

 

IMHO don't rush into open/poly. It's been nice to have it as a "someday maybe if/when everything feels okay" thing.

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ryn2
7 minutes ago, BraveMind said:

I want to keep the relationship going. This recent aversion I have towards her worries me though. I'm hoping we'll get to the point where @anisotropic is with her partner. We do genuinely love eachother. But she has sacrificed a lot. Can I do the same?

Please consider everyone’s therapy suggestions, then.  A sex therapist is very likely not going to be able to help you and your partner with this, any more than a sex therapist could help you and your male friend have sex.  Sex therapy starts from the premise that both parties desire sex with one another but need assistance putting that desire into action.

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BraveMind
10 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Sex therapy starts from the premise that both parties desire sex with one another but need assistance putting that desire into action.

The therapist is getting an unwarranted bad rap here. She was very thorough and professional. She did clearly say the marriage would not work because the desire is one sided. The wife said she would like to try to meet in the middle so the therapist offered suggestions on what we can try. So far it's not going well.

 

So you mean marriage or LGBTQ therapy?

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anisotrophic
2 minutes ago, BraveMind said:

She did clearly say the marriage would not work because the desire is one sided.

I talked to my therapist about this experience and was wondering what sex therapy was like and...

 

(a) she was a bit shocked a therapist said that! she'd never say anything like the above, not unless there were other signals that made it look like one or both partners were clearly unwilling to adapt for each other

 

(b) like @ryn2 says, sex therapy is for people that have desire but issues in putting that into action

 

An asexual will never intrinsically want the sex, but can come to understand and value how it matters to their sexual partner. Maybe it's a higher, generic "relationship communication" level than a sex therapist is specialized in.

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anisotrophic

Seriously, don't take advice from someone that says it won't work.

 

Unless you want it to not work.

 

They're basically announcing that whatever they're giving you... won't work.

 

If you want this to work, find a therapist that thinks it can.

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Traveler40
57 minutes ago, BraveMind said:

Again at least she will see what sexuals enjoy and what I'm missing out on. Maybe lead to an open marriage.

@BraveMind, I think you need to figure out what you want and focus on that.  If the desire to make it work with your wife is true, then the above isn’t even a thought yet.

 

Perhaps make a list of priorities and decisons supporting those, then all energy should be focused towards that end. Only failing that, alternative options might come into play. It can be a long road from point to point.

 

Edit: Only after all hope is lost for sexual compromise with your wife should considering alternate methods of making it work come into play I believe.  If it’s a premature thought, it actually reads more like a desired direction. 

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ryn2
1 hour ago, BraveMind said:

The therapist is getting an unwarranted bad rap here. She was very thorough and professional. She did clearly say the marriage would not work because the desire is one sided. The wife said she would like to try to meet in the middle so the therapist offered suggestions on what we can try. So far it's not going well.

 

So you mean marriage or LGBTQ therapy?

No one (afaik) is questioning the sex therapist’s capabilities as a sex therapist; just noting that sex therapy (and by extension a sex therapist, even a fabulous one) is not going to hold the solution to this problem.

 

So, yes, marriage/relationship/couples therapy, with an LBGT+ aware therapist who is familiar with asexuality.

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ryn2
1 hour ago, anisotropic said:

Seriously, don't take advice from someone that says it won't work.

 

Unless you want it to not work.

 

They're basically announcing that whatever they're giving you... won't work.

 

If you want this to work, find a therapist that thinks it can.

That was the underlying reason for my question about the current desired outcome.

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Serran

I cant see porn doing much for making an asexual want sex.

 

1) It could remind her uncomfortably of how she cant give you that, making her feel inadequate and unlikely to be up for it

 

2) It could make her repulsed

 

3) It could just bore her 

 

4) It could make her uncomfortable that you are getting turned on by other people 

 

5) It could arouse her but not lead to her wanting sex, which would just confuse you

 

.... I can probably think of other scenarios but none end up with an ace wanting sex from porn. Or understanding something new about the way sexuals connect. 

 

Personally, porn together would make me likely to not want sex together for a very long time. But, I dislike my partner looking at it in general... (which they know but I dont say they cant...but it would be enough to make me repulsed by sex with them for weeks or months). And I like sexual stuff with my partner. 

 

So... make sure you know how she feels before you end up doing that for real. It could make things worse. 

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Sally
8 hours ago, BraveMind said:

I'm not expecting her to start doing anything from the films but hope she'll realize what I'm missing out on as a sexual in our mixed relationship.

Speaking as one individual asexual, that would make me feel guilty about what my partner was missing.  I don't know whether that will have a good effect on your relationship.  

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anisotrophic

Sorry but I think porn is crap. It's made for het men. I think it's weird to have much hope that it's helpful even if it's a sexual female partner, I'm skeptical it'd be helpful for me.

 

Speaking as someone who is hardly inhibited (I've had a FWB, sneaking sex in public place, and sex with two men at once -- wish I could say that wasn't awesome but it was, haha). But I never had sex while watching porn. It doesn't sound very appealing to me, I think I'd just be comparing myself and feeling weird about the differences.

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MrDane
On 11/20/2018 at 9:41 PM, anamikanon said:

One other thing I can think of is something that is working very well for my ace and me - move to separate beds for sleeping at night. If my ace is in the mood to offer sex, he asks to stay. If I'm fine being platonic, I ask him to stay, but by default, we sleep in separate beds. It doesn't get me laid more often, but it does take the stress out of nights and our relationship is improving because of it. It isn't a "separation", it is separate sleeping arrangements. And yes, since this happened, we have slept together - both platonically, as well as after sex. It took him a while to offer sex, but even without that, I was already feeling like a new person now that I wasn't lying next to him awake after not having had sex and listening to him sleep or being affectionate every night without possibility of sex, and so on. I started sleeping much better almost immediately and it gave me the energy for life in general as well as our relationship, now that I had the option to participate without feeling forced to constantly behave in a manner I was not.

Good idea with a sex neutral ace to try to remove some of the stress for both of you. I have given her “safe nigths” where She can expect me to not suggest sex. In return we have scheduled sessions/days where we, without discussing it first, knows what will happen, unless she is not okay with it. Bugs me a bit, when she insists on quickies, as I do not know what that implies. Is it: ‘this is just for you’ or ‘let us get this awful thing over with’ or ‘I am tired. Dont expect much from me’ or ‘please dont touch me’ or ‘i only do this, since I fear what would happen if I didnt’ or ‘its a chore and i keep my promise’??? (Or ‘quickies are such fun’)

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Serran
29 minutes ago, MrDane said:

Good idea with a sex neutral ace to try to remove some of the stress for both of you. I have given her “safe nigths” where She can expect me to not suggest sex. In return we have scheduled sessions/days where we, without discussing it first, knows what will happen, unless she is not okay with it. Bugs me a bit, when she insists on quickies, as I do not know what that implies. Is it: ‘this is just for you’ or ‘let us get this awful thing over with’ or ‘I am tired. Dont expect much from me’ or ‘please dont touch me’ or ‘i only do this, since I fear what would happen if I didnt’ or ‘its a chore and i keep my promise’??? (Or ‘quickies are such fun’)

Or... 

 

"Quickie cause it takes a significant amount of effort to stay aroused when you dont desire it, so if it lasts too long it can begin to hurt due to lack of arousal"

 

Which is usually why I kept saying make it quick back when I had to have sex I didnt want. 😛 I had to focus mentally on it and couldnt do that too long, then muscles tighten and all and it just starts to be uncomfortable and then painful. 

 

There are a lot of reasons an ace might want quickies. 

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Serran said:

There are a lot of reasons an ace might want quickies. 

Agreed... or sexuals, for that matter.

 

The only thing it’s pretty safe to assume is that it’s *not* “quickies are such fun.”

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Sally

Coincidentally, I learned about asexuality from a TV program, and at about the same time my partner decided that he liked 2-hour sex sessions, since he had gotten older and things were slower.  I told him immediately after I learned about asexuality (and had to recognize that I was never going to "get it"), and said I could not do it anymore.  The long sessions were just killing me.  For asexuals who never get any physical pleasure whatsoever, the quicker the easier.  

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Serran
18 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Agreed... or sexuals, for that matter.

 

The only thing it’s pretty safe to assume is that it’s *not* “quickies are such fun.”

Mmm. I like quickies sometimes ;)

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ryn2
36 minutes ago, Serran said:

Mmm. I like quickies sometimes ;)

Yeah, I meant for Mr. Dane’s ace partner.

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anamikanon
7 hours ago, ryn2 said:

The only thing it’s pretty safe to assume is that it’s *not* “quickies are such fun.”

Well, if the ace is capable of enjoying sex, quickies could be fun. Can't speak for him, but I think my ace at least "performs" better with quickies. If sex goes on too long, he can easily get "unaroused" or distracted or plain unable to climax and going on indefinitely in a manner that seems distinctly un-sex-like.

 

I know a lot of sexuals like long sex sessions. I confess I have enjoyed them a lot in the past, but with my ace, I tend to enjoy the quickies more, if his penis is involved. He climaxes more often if it happens very quickly after starting. The more the time elapses, the more chances he'll simply lose focus or get bored or sore or distracted or lose his rhythm and not be able to climax.... His penis and long sex don't go well and it can only get worse, if he thinks he's under obligation to see things through. On the other hand, a quickie allows things to proceed with enough momentum to go through the whole thing while he is still aroused with both of us enjoying the sex - which matters more to me than the duration.

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ryn2

Agreed... I just wouldn’t call that “fun” in the same sense a sexual would mean it.  It’s more like “easier,” or “less tiresome.”

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roland.o

on a side note...

 

On 11/28/2018 at 4:38 AM, anisotropic said:

Sorry but I think porn is crap. It's made for het men.

The overwhelming majority, but not all.

There is feminist porn (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PorYes - no indecent pictures there), or porn for lesbians, for example.

 

now back to the main topic...

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klauren

I've come to the right place!   I'm in a long term mariage (19+ years) and it seems so lonely at this point.  We've both been previously married and he has an adult child from the previous marriage - so I assumed he's sexual - however, not so much.  We haven't had sex more than maybe 8-10 times in the whole of our courtship and marriage.   We've been to couples counseling and I've been to individual counseling.  I've just recently heard of asexuality and started "googling" and then saw information about AVEN.

Oh, my goodness - many, many things I've read have described our marriage and our relationship.  It certainly helps answer some questions I've had and helps me answer some things about him.  Now to talk with him and find out where we can go from here.

But naming it, and finding out there are others out there with these situations and experiences is just so heartening.  I'm so happy to have found you and know I'm not alone.

 

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ryn2

Welcome, @klauren!

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Sally
4 hours ago, roland.o said:

on a side note...

 

The overwhelming majority, but not all.

There is feminist porn (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PorYes - no indecent pictures there), or porn for lesbians, for example.

 

now back to the main topic...

Porn is not just for het men; there's a lot of porn of men for gay men.  Bodybuilding magazines, I've been told, are soft porn for gay  men.  

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MrDane
23 hours ago, Serran said:

Or... 

 

"Quickie cause it takes a significant amount of effort to stay aroused when you dont desire it, so if it lasts too long it can begin to hurt due to lack of arousal"

 

Which is usually why I kept saying make it quick back when I had to have sex I didnt want. 😛 I had to focus mentally on it and couldnt do that too long, then muscles tighten and all and it just starts to be uncomfortable and then painful. 

 

There are a lot of reasons an ace might want quickies. 

I know, I know! There are a ton of valid reasons/explanations for the quickie. My point was, that it matters to me, what she feels, and by not knowing, then it will be difficult to cope or understand or appreciate or...   and then I will be caugth in a limbo between feeling great, feeling love and feeling really shitty.

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Serran
1 minute ago, MrDane said:

I know, I know! There are a ton of valid reasons/explanations for the quickie. My point was, that it matters to me, what she feels, and by not knowing, then it will be difficult to cope or understand or appreciate or...   and then I will be caugth in a limbo between feeling great, feeling love and feeling really shitty.

So cant you ask her why she prefers quickies ? Or would she not tell you?

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