I'm Demisexual and I keep falling for my best friends, need advice

[Rawrs]

So a bit of background, I don't usually have many friends. This isn't because I'm bad at socialising, it's just that I can't seem to find the right people to 'click' with. In my whole life I've only had like 3 people I've clicked with, 2 of these have fizzled out due to life happening, but I've got 1 friend I recently befriended and they are really really great and I absolutely love spending time with them.

 

I really value friendships like these and it's really hard to find them. But (and here's the problem), every time I find friendships so intense like these, since I'm demisexual, I keep falling for EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. This is ok if we both are ok with starting a relationship, but with this last one they aren't.

 

But it's not because they dislike me, it's because we literally live on opposite sides of the world and both of us aren't in a position to support such a relationship.

 

I really REALLY love my friends so I absolutely respect their decision and I still want to be friends and spend time with them. But despite that, my head still keeps thinking "Wow I really like this person a lot, let's date them right now" even though I've already made a CLEAR boundary on myself, the feeling keeps coming back.

 

My issue is this: I WANT to continue being friends with this person because I love hanging out with them and I rarely get any friends I connect to as much as this person. But my demisexual brain keeps telling me to push into a romantic/sexual zone, which I DON'T want. Because I don't want to lose the friendship. I value my friendships very highly, especially one as strong as this, which is just really difficult to find.

 

Other demisexuals out there, do you have this problem? How do YOU deal with it?

[roland.o]

That sounds all too familiar, although it's been a long while for me. On the few occasions when I warmed up to someone, it was always: "Is this the one?" "Could we make it work?" A lot of buried hopes surfaced, my expectations raised, and the rush of feelings overwhelmed me to the point where I freaked out and/or ruined it.

 

Unfortunately, I don't have good advice on how to avoid that. It's impossible to simply get rid of some feelings for a person, while keeping the others. I recommend to seek some emotional distance though. You are apparently aware of the value of that friendship. But if your brain and your emotions have different intentions, it's a good idea to let the emotions cool down.

[nanogretchen4]

When you fall for a friend who is unavailable or uninterested, you have two options. You can avoid your friend in the hope that this will cause you to get over them more quickly. Or you can continue your friendship as before and just tough out your romantic and sexual feelings for them. If you go this second route you should just accept the existence of the feelings but refrain from talking about them or acting on them. In either case the feelings will eventually become less intense, but I don't know how long it will take. Both strategies will cause you some pain so it's your call which option sucks less on balance.

 

Meanwhile I think you should actively seek out and spend time with other friends. They don't have to be best friends or soulmates, just people that you share at least one hobby or interest with so that you can enjoy hanging out with them now and then. Try to have lots of friends like that. Some of them may eventually become close friends. Then you may fall for some of them, and eventually you might fall for someone who is available and reciprocates your feelings. But in the meantime friends are good to have.

[Solovei]

I don't. Deal with it I mean. I only recently realised I am most likely demisexual. I'd never been in love and kept attributing it to various reasons but over the course of the last year I realised this is probably why. And I realised it in the most painful way imaginable. That is to say, falling in love for the first time for someone who in a very short period of time has become, outisde of family, the closest and most important person in my life.

 

And here is the catch. I am a straight and he is, as he puts it, mostly gay (though he'd repeatedly insist in front of me he is actually bisexual or not really gay and yet...). We are also from different countries though currently living as neighbours in a third one.

 

And hence the other problem; on bad days like this (after breaking up with his bf last year he started seeing people supposedly just for sex as he made a point of assuring me, but after a couple fucks he's apparently fallen for someone because hey, a bit of physical attraction and a couple of fucks is all that it takes to "love" someone, apparently) I realise the only way to protect myself from this constant pain is to distance myself but us living together makes it impossible. I also miss him incredibly when I don't see him even for one day...

 

Even worse, it seems to be the same for him and he would seek me out constantly, not only making it hard to avoid him (which I find painful) but giving me the mother of all mixed signals. Actually, not even mixed...

 

Times like this I almost wish I could feel primary sexual attraction and just fuck somebody and feel better or even fall in "love", but no, I need stong emotional and intellectual connection in order to love. How pathetically stupid of me.

 

Sorry, my heart is breaking today and I needed to rant...