LayneR Posted November 19, 2018 Share Posted November 19, 2018 I've known I'm asexual for a while, but I don't like it. Simply put, I just don't enjoy sex. I made a post* in r/askmen about how they would describe sex, and the answers are ones I just can't relate to at all. I really wish I could enjoy sex. My inability to do so has caused some friction between my wife and I and honestly I'd be perfectly content to never have sex again. Except for that it sucks to not enjoy sex and I really feel like I'm missing out on a core component of the human experience *Link: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/9yiyvk/how_would_you_as_a_man_describe_the_feeling_of_sex/ Link to post Share on other sites
what the face Posted November 19, 2018 Share Posted November 19, 2018 So, you don't like that you don't like it ? Yea, been there. Still there sometimes. sigh What you wrote, " I really feel like I'm missing out on a core component of the human experience." You may need to discern if sex is a core component of Your own experience. For me, striving to live here and now, I never say never, just say, not just now. Link to post Share on other sites
Ennis Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 You might relate to this asexual youtuber who also doesn't like being asexual. Some of the titles seem a bit clickbaity but I like his content. Link to post Share on other sites
LayneR Posted November 20, 2018 Author Share Posted November 20, 2018 1 hour ago, what the face said: you don't like that you don't like it ? What you wrote, " I really feel like I'm missing out on a core component of the human experience." You may need to discern if sex is a core component of Your own experience. Yep. Not only do I dislike my asexuality, but I often dislike that I dislike it. Sometimes remembering that I am asexual can be a depressive trigger. That said, your response to what I wrote is actually a huge gamechanger to my mental state. I often consider anyone before myself, and have serious FOMO. It seems so basic to say, but my life doesn't have to revolve around sex (I'm married so it's complex for me). I hadn't realized consciously that I was doing this until your comment, so thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
LayneR Posted November 20, 2018 Author Share Posted November 20, 2018 1 hour ago, Jona Rhys said: You might relate to this asexual youtuber who also doesn't like being asexual. Some of the titles seem a bit clickbaity but I like his content. watching this now, will update this comment when i'm done Link to post Share on other sites
Grimalkin Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 Yeah, it sucks, huh? My whole life I've wanted to find a partner and start a family, and now it's just so much more difficult. I'm "missing out on" a lot of otherwise incredible guys because they, like most people, want sex. I have to imagine it sucks (or rather doesn't- har har) marginally more to be an asexual man too, because society assumes men want sex all the time. Women can be really insecure if you say you don't want to have sex with them because they haven't really had to deal with rejection in that area like men have. But, you know... if wishes were horses and all that. Nothing I do is going to change the fact that I am asexual, and no amount of complaining will help all that much. All I can do is go out and be the best person I can be, so I can be proud of my accomplishments and lifestyle, and plan my future with the idea that I may never have a "conventional" relationship. It's sad, but life has so much more to offer than just sex. Link to post Share on other sites
LayneR Posted November 20, 2018 Author Share Posted November 20, 2018 1 hour ago, Grimalkin said: I have to imagine it sucks (or rather doesn't- har har) marginally more to be an asexual man too, because society assumes men want sex all the time. Women can be really insecure if you say you don't want to have sex with them because they haven't really had to deal with rejection in that area like men have. Yeah it really does suck. Every man I try to talk to about this sends me to the doctor. They say if anything is wrong with me it's psychological. afaik I've had no traumatic events that could cause this. This does cause a fair bit of tension with my wife for exactly the reason you brought up. 1 hour ago, Grimalkin said: All I can do is go out and be the best person I can be, so I can be proud of my accomplishments and lifestyle, and plan my future with the idea that I may never have a "conventional" relationship. It's sad, but life has so much more to offer than just sex. You're right, thank you for this Link to post Share on other sites
Tarvaa Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 It's only a "core component of the human experience" because that's the majority view propagated by society. What helps me, and incidentally I'm in a similar situation of being married and lack of sex is the only real point of friction between my wife and I, is that asexuality, though a minority orientation is still a valid component of the human experience as well. I don't like that my best isn't going to be good enough to provide for my wife's sexual needs, but I can't keep beating myself up about this. Doing so is not going to be good for me, or for working towards a compromise with my wife that is genuine rather than forced. Acceptance is a slow process though. Link to post Share on other sites
SilentRose Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 I definitely get how you feel. It sucks sometimes knowing that what many people describe as the most wonderful, pleasurable thing in the world is something we can't get much pleasure from. For me in the past its definitely felt isolating. What I try to remember is that everyone is different, and i don't need sex to enjoy a full life...there are plenty of other experiences I find just as magical as sex. I am a runner and for me, beating a personal goal gives me what i imagine to be the same sense of euphoria. Same with drawing or painting something beautiful. Try not to focus on what should make you happy, and focus on what *does* make you happy. In the end, that's what truly matters. Link to post Share on other sites
LayneR Posted November 20, 2018 Author Share Posted November 20, 2018 5 hours ago, Tarvaa said: It's only a "core component of the human experience" because that's the majority view propagated by society. What helps me, and incidentally I'm in a similar situation of being married and lack of sex is the only real point of friction between my wife and I, is that asexuality, though a minority orientation is still a valid component of the human experience as well. mm preach it brother. that was very helpful to wake up to, I appreciate you As for the society thing, I think you're so right. I used to get an erection every time I saw an attractive woman who wasn't wearing much clothing (which I respect as her choice, but still has effects on most male brains). But then I actually had sex. All desire for masturbation and nearly all erections vanished. Sometimes an attractive woman or movie sex scene will still get me up, but then I think about what sex is actually like for me and it goes back down pretty quick as I realize how useless such thoughts are. I honestly think i only have such thoughts/reactions because of societal pressures and the guys I used to hang with. As in, at this point it's a learned behavior and/or instinct that's slowly leaving me Link to post Share on other sites
LayneR Posted November 20, 2018 Author Share Posted November 20, 2018 3 hours ago, SilentRose said: Try not to focus on what should make you happy, and focus on what *does* make you happy. In the end, that's what truly matters. you're right, thank you for this Link to post Share on other sites
Joe the Stoic Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 21 hours ago, LayneR said: I've known I'm asexual for a while, but I don't like it. Simply put, I just don't enjoy sex. I made a post* in r/askmen about how they would describe sex, and the answers are ones I just can't relate to at all. I really wish I could enjoy sex. My inability to do so has caused some friction between my wife and I and honestly I'd be perfectly content to never have sex again. Except for that it sucks to not enjoy sex and I really feel like I'm missing out on a core component of the human experience *Link: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/9yiyvk/how_would_you_as_a_man_describe_the_feeling_of_sex/ I would like to enjoy a lot of vegetables. I would like the health benefits that come from eating them more. Alas, I do not enjoy them. I guess you just need to treat sex like that. "The human experience" is in a constant state of flux, especially in the Twenty-First Century. You could do many great things that people who have regular sex may never do, and they will likely feel bad about missing out on that too. The grass is always going to be greener on the other side, and I think the thing to do is just appreciate that it's minimally green where you are. Link to post Share on other sites
janiejones Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 I think there are so many of us who are probably reading this and thinking that we know exactly how you are feeling. I feel the same way every time I become close to somebody and start to want more than just a friendship with them. It's like a battle inside my head where I tell myself that maybe I could try even though I know it feels completely wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
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