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Hi from a long-time reader


anewman

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Greetings all.

 

I'm a long term reader of this forum, as someone married to an asexual. Your stories, questions, answers and arguments have helped me tremendously to understand a lot of what I've experienced in the last couple of years and a lot of it has helped me through the more difficult times to the point we're at today.

 

Honestly not sure why I've never posted before. Just hoping now to maybe be able to add my thoughts (I can't believe they're all useless!) and hopefully be able to offer my perspective to anyone who's just starting out from where I began.

 

I'd also like to really sincerely thank everyone who's posted their experience and advice here. I can honestly say that without this place my life would likely be in a very different/worse place to where is is.

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It would be great to hear your story! did your partner tell you, or did you bring the topic of asexuality to them, how are you communicating and trying to meet needs, how have things changed...

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18 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

It would be great to hear your story! did your partner tell you, or did you bring the topic of asexuality to them, how are you communicating and trying to meet needs, how have things changed...

Thanks everyone, cake bearing and otherwise.

 

We've been together 7 years, and to be fair even before we were married (4 years ago) we very obviously had very differing libidos, though neither of us particularly thought of asexuality as a potential factor in our relationship.

 

After we got married things slowed down to basically nothing and after a year of building awkwardness and resentment my partner told me that they identified as asexual and had done for a while without knowing how to tell me.

 

Luckily we communicate really well about everything else and with the help of some close friends of ours we learned how to talk to each other about this too, our feelings, needs, limitations, etc. Myself, I've tried to be a lot more open about times when I feel rejected, offended, or whatever, and to be more open about what it is that I actually want and need and expect in my life, which in all honestly I've never been very good at. My wife in return has agreed to communicate with me about what she's willing to consider to do to compromise and also communicate better the things I do that annoy her. At first it led to rather a lot of arguments as we realised how bad we'd been at telling each other those things that annoyed us about each other, but with time and a little help we now mostly laugh about it.

 

Obviously we're not the finished article, but then I suppose "compromise" (we don't call it that though) is always a changing balance. We're nowhere near knowing exactly what everything means for us long term, but we know that we both want to work to make our relationship stronger. This has carried over into a lot of other aspects of the relationship aside from sex, which I like to think has made us closer all round, and given us a lot of other outlets for our energies.

 

Sorry for the ramble!

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@anewman don't be sorry to ramble!  It's great to hear stories, for me, they help me contextualize. Every story is unique, but I've found it really helps to see the patterns that emerge - things to try, things to watch out for.

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@anisotropic, thanks! I totally get what you mean, it really helped me to see the similarities in people's situations and how they chose to deal with them. Helped to keep me grounded when I would start thinking in unproductive circles, like nobody else ever had to work at their relationship!

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Hi, @anewman!  Welcome to posting!  :)

 

Agreed with everyone who says -even rambling, which yours wasn’t - stories are always helpful.

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