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my (a)sexual journey


Soju

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Hey there :)


I registered a while back but didn't really spend a lot of time here. 

So I thought I should introduce myself now, since I plan on spending more time on here from now on :)
I hope it's not too much or too dark, but I wanted to share something real. 


I grew up in our sexual society and I didn't even think that there was a possibility for me to not be sexually attracted to people.

Society told me:

I just am. That's what everybody is. I am a sexual person. I like sex. I love having sex. When I like someone I actually want to rip off their clothes at a certain point and connect with them in a sexual way.

Teenage years:

So 13/14 year old me was waiting for my “sexual awakening” and trying to fit in with my peer group. I had crushes, only that non of those crushes where people I knew personally and I kind of didn’t want to talk about them with my friends. I just really liked the aesthetics of those people and I could look at them for forever. But I really didn’t picture myself with those people or saw them in ANY sexual way.

Society is strong and the influence it had on me and it still has on me, is toxic: Fast forward a view years 

I am 20 and just moved to another city. Everything is exciting and new.
I am at a club, kissing someone I met a few nights ago. Is it a good kiss? Well I don’t know. Its just a kiss. I kiss this person. Why? Well just because you are supposed to kiss someone you are dating after a certain time. We are parting lips, touching each other, stopping to get some air. Like always when I kiss someone after like 2 seconds I start thinking about other stuff. Why are they playing this song. Isnt this supposed to be a 90ies party? Have I actually locked the door when I left home? Am I supposed to moan when this person bites my lip. Why is this person biting my lip? Ouch, that is gonna still hurt tomorrow. What will my colleagues think? Eventually I am playing hard to get and just stop the kiss and act like it wasn’t even that good. It's working, the person is impressed and turned on from the way I still have everything under control after that supposedly mind-blowing kiss. I loved it, how I seem to have control over them, over me.
What I didn't realize or didn't want to realize in this situation was, that I was in fact just not into it. I was not into anyone this way. I played with it. Loved the control I had because I wasn't feeling anything. I could make people feel. I was kind of addicted to this feeling of control over others. This acting. But that was all it was. ACTING.

In the last few years I met people I could potentially develop romantic feelings for, people I genuinely liked. But I didn't know how to be myself, how to not put on a show. And in the end, I always crashed because I wasn't able to set boundaries. In my pretty short relationships I lost myself, I became this person I didn’t recognize anymore. This person that didn’t feel like me. 

Now, at age 25 I am at a point where I just don’t date. I can't. I am afraid to lose myself and never find me again. 
Don't get me wrong, I love my life, I have great friends and an awesome university life. Still I would like to have someone I can share more with than just close friendship :)

So, hi everybody 😊

 

 

 

 

 

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Welcome! :cake:

I'm a lot younger but I've had my own share of doing things just because that's what I thought I had to do so you're not alone in that. Hopefully you'll be able to overcome the fear of dating and also be able to set boundaries in the future so you feel more comfortable. 😊

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You're not alone, we all struggle even now under the influence of a society that calls for sex. But that makes you special, knowing who you are and are honest with yourself.

 

It's okay to be this way and you could meet somebody on this site or through meet-ups in your area.

 

 

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3 hours ago, Novocaine4thePaiN said:

Welcome! :cake:

I'm a lot younger but I've had my own share of doing things just because that's what I thought I had to do so you're not alone in that. Hopefully you'll be able to overcome the fear of dating and also be able to set boundaries in the future so you feel more comfortable. 😊

Hi 👋

Thank you :)

Wow, now I feel old 😅

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1 hour ago, ZinxtheJinx said:

You're not alone, we all struggle even now under the influence of a society that calls for sex. But that makes you special, knowing who you are and are honest with yourself.

 

It's okay to be this way and you could meet somebody on this site or through meet-ups in your area.

 

 

Thank you for your words. They make me feel welcome and understood 😊

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Welcome to AVEN!

 

I realised that I'm Asexual in my early teens, around 14, so I never had that acting phase.

I don't want to seem rude, but I noticed that you use the word 'view' in place of the word 'few', and wished to point it out for your benefit, as they sound similar when spoken but have different meanings.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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@Soju I didn't mean it like that lol! You're young I'm just a fetus so I thought it'd be important that I have less life experience but I'm sorry if it came off rude 😄

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Welcome! The age you realise that you’re asexual doesn’t matter, it’s what you do after discovering it that’s important :) 

pancakecake.png

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4 hours ago, MichaelTannock said:

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I realised that I'm Asexual in my early teens, around 14, so I never had that acting phase.

I don't want to seem rude, but I noticed that you use the word 'view' in place of the word 'few', and wished to point it out for your benefit, as they sound similar when spoken but have different meanings.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

Thank you for your words. 
Ups, thank you :)yeah since my first language is german and not english some errors slip in 😀

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38 minutes ago, Novocaine4thePaiN said:

@Soju I didn't mean it like that lol! You're young I'm just a fetus so I thought it'd be important that I have less life experience but I'm sorry if it came off rude 😄

It didn't come of rude at all 😋 

But I think since we discuss deeply personal stuff on here it is really important to respond sensitively, so thank you very much 😀

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Moin :)

 

Thank you for signing up and telling us a bit about yourself! You've come to the right place - AVEN is a great community with lots of friendly and supportive people from all over the world. There are a few fellow Germans on here as well; one of them is typing this :D

 

Personally I'm into friendships and I can't think of anything "more" than that. It's such a weird idea to me; how is that even supposed to work :D You might be interested in Asexual Relationships, where we discuss how being asexual (or somewhat close to that) affects our personal relationships, be them familial, platonic or romantic. Then there's Romantic And Aromantic Orientations, which is more about exploring "labels" and the like. Maybe there's something that reasonates with you :)

 

Feel free to read and explore the forums and if you have a question, don't hesitate to ask! I hope you'll enjoy your time on here!

 

0025257_vanilla_extravagant_cake_385.jpe

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