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Making a loving marriage work


Boxofcrayons

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Hi new friends. 

 

I am very bad at making connections with people via forums, but I need to connect with other aces and so far this is the best way to do it, so I'm trying my best.

 

My wife and I have been together for four years and are excellent at supporting each other and communicating with each other. I have always had a very very low libido and she has had a very high one. We've made this work for years but recently had a long talk and she more or less told me that she wants more sex. My options are somewhat limited as I love her deeply and only want her to be happy. She confessed that she has always felt that she is poly amorous and that she feels the best way to handle the difference in our libidos would be to open our relationship. I have been coming to the realization over the last few weeks that I am a grey ace, as sex is occasionally something I want, but rarely. I agreed to opening the relationship with a little bit of relief as I know I cannot satisfy her needs.

 

We have been very careful with her dating, and have taken a billion steps to talk and be honest with each other. And to be completely honest it is working. Mostly. The problem (as usual, I feel) is me. I should mention that I have a chronic pain condition that effects me more some days that others and that I also have a severe anxiety disorder, which makes it really hard for me to deal with sudden changes in plans. 

 

Ok, so now that you know us, here we are:

 

Tonight we had planned to go out to a burlesque show (I appreciate the artistry and costumes and athletic ability if not the sexiness) with friends of ours. Unfortunately I had a pretty bad pain flare and we cancelled on them because I'm basically bed bound. she was watching netflix while I read a book, but we were in the same room and were kind of snuggling. One of her other partners called and she left the room to take the call, but as the phone called ended I heard her say "I'll see you soon.". She came back into the room to ask if it was okay for her to go see a movie with this other partner. 

 

So here I am. In a good deal of pain and faced with this choice. Do I let her go and stay home and feel abandoned/lonely/resentful/whatever? Or do I make her stay home with me, even though we weren't really doing anything together, and I can't really do much and have her resent me for controlling her?

 

I told her to go. I told her that I didn't love that it was so sudden and that I had been enjoying spending time with her, and that it was hard for me to be bed bound wihile she was out with someone else (emotionally), but that if she really wanted to go it was okay with me. I did ask her to try and not be out late.

 

Thoughts? Words of comfort? Words of wisdom?

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LiteratureNerd

I am sorry for all the pain and anxiety you are going though, that really sucks. I don't really have any experience dealing with a hyper sexual partner, but I have been in a poly relationship for the past 5 years if that is of any help. The biggest adjustment for me in being poly was figuring out communication so that everyone involved felt secure, needed, and loved. It took me awhile, but I was eventually able to articulate things to each of my partners along the lines of "Here is a thing I share with you that I don't really share with anyone else..." to try to show them that while they were not the only person in my life, that my life was better for having them, specifically, in it. Maybe you can try to talk to your partner about boundaries and things that they do or do not share with you or their other partners?

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Thank you for sharing your experiences, I appreciate it. Everything I have read says tat the most important part of being in an open/poly relationship. I thought that we had that down but I am so worried that if i express how I am feeling 100% of the time I am just going to make her feel stifled and stuck. Or worse that she will feel like she /has/ to be with me when she would rather be elsewhere. Does that make any sense?

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Hello, @Boxofcrayons

It must be hard, really.

I’m in a poly relationship – my partner has other partners. And I also need stability in my life. What works really well for us is having separate days for different partners. That way we both know that even if one of us is sick and bed-bound, we will spend time together. And that way his plans with other people don’t feel like abandonment – it’s just our private time, when each of us can make other plans. If something needs to be changed (like play tickets on a wrong day), we know about it far in advance and can adjust our together-schedule a bit.

I don’t know how suitable this is for you, but this system has really saved our relationship and has been working for more than two years now.

Good luck.)

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LiteratureNerd

@Boxofcrayons What you said does make sense, that is an emotionally scary place to be because there is so much potential to get hurt. I was thinking more that maybe it would help you if your partner could try to explain in more detail what she shares with you that she doesn't share with other people, that way you might feel more secure in your relationship. Does that make sense?

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I think you should express how you're feeling.

 

I haven't been in a poly relationship (maybe someday, maybe not) but I am pretty open with my partner when my sexuality is making me feel bad -- even if it's irrational, and even though I worry about pressuring him -- because being able to share when I'm feeling rejected or unwanted is so important for my own sense of being loved.

 

And it works out. He knows I don't mean to pressure him.

 

So... it's only an analogy... but if you feel abandoned, that feels like a similar situation to me -- and with a partner that might not realize it -- I think it's good to communicate when you're affected like that, so your partner has a chance to help. (But that's just my two cents; I haven't been poly, unless one counts a severe case of unrequited/unacceptable love. My partner is an angel... 😅)

 

I hope the evening want too hard on you, I hope you felt better about stuff later.

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