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A complete summary of my feelings


Flump222

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Part 1: Context:

 

When it comes to relationships, my two crushes (the only ones I've ever had) were purely romantic, and all I desired was the emotional aspect. Sex really isn't an aspect I want in a relationship, and in my vision of a perfect relationship sex is absent. I can recall thinking why people would ruin a perfectly good relationship with sex, though I can understand why people do it now. For some reason, I also get aroused when it seems that people are romantically interested in me. I have no idea why, since my mind is focused mainly on what’s happening, and it’s more of a nuisance than anything else. When it comes to other things though, I do have a libido, and masturbate, though I know that it doesn't really matter all that much. I usually only do it because I'm bored. If I ever use visuals I don't concentrate on who's doing what, but rather what's being done. It's more of the act than anything else. If I have any sort of fantasy, it's not about any specific person, but an anonymous figure, though I can but a person in there, it just doesn't really add anything. If it's someone I know personally, or a stranger where there's no sexual aspect to whatever image I'm looking at, it feels weird to me. If it's a stranger that has some sort of sexual thing happening then I can substitute them there but nothing really changes. There's also this weird feeling. I can get this feeling out of nowhere, where my heart rate increases, I get an urge to stare, and I can sometimes get this weird tingling "down there" (though it's definitely not anywhere close to full arousal, if it's arousal at all). This can occur from physical proximity or looking at someone (often with people I guess I'd find aesthetically attractive, though I don't actively think of them as such). Changes in clothes or general appearance also seem to affect this. My thoughts don't really line up with it, and I'm usually just thinking about the fact that I'm feeling something. It's a little jarring, I guess. It also usually goes away very quickly. If it makes any difference though, I am 16 and thus hormones may pay a part.

When I was younger, I used to get that same feeling, albeit stronger, when looking at people, but at its strongest I'm pretty sure there was a clear trigger. Anyway, I'm pretty sure the trigger was bra straps for me (oof this is kinda embarrassing), and that's when it would be at its strongest. I would just get this urge to just kinda stare. If I'm being honest I'm not sure what I was thinking, though it was probably just on the bra straps. On top of that, I was also masturbating at this age, and I remember it feeling better when I was in a room with a lot of people I didn't know around my age, but I don't remember wanting to talk with any of them or wanting sex with them or anything, just that it would feel better than usual when I "did the thing" afterward. Though, I haven't felt a feeling that strong in a long time, and the thing with bra straps is completely gone. And I was pretty much smack dab in the middle of puberty there so hormones may have been a larger influence.

 

Part 2: Journey

 

When I first heard about the term asexual, I thought that it was synonymous with aromantic (though I didn't know the term at the time). I had no idea that one could be asexual and masturbate or want a relationship or anything like that. On top of that, I thought that I experienced sexual attraction. I'd look at people (usually because of stuff they were wearing) and just have the urge to stare, maybe get a small raise in heart rate. (I'll go more into detail on it later). I masturbated, though pretty much just out of boredom. I set up a deadline where I'd "allow" myself to have sex, and then everything would be all great, or so I thought. I had never liked anyone, but as far as I was concerned I was just as straight as could be.

 

Then high school started. During orientation I'm pretty sure I had my first crush, though I didn't accept it at the time, and just brushed it off, but once school fully began I had already fallen for another girl. After maybe a month of denial I finally accepted that I had feelings for her. Feelings I hadn't felt before. But these weren't sexual feelings. Maybe once or twice during the ordeal I had intrusive sexual thoughts about her, but I quickly shook them off, reacting in disgust. Sex was not something I wanted with her. I just wanted fluffy, romantic things. I never told her how I felt, however, and eventually came to the conclusion that she didn't like me on my own. Thus, as it was already nearing its end, I just got rid of it as best I could and moved on. I still had a desire for a relationship though, and became concerned that I would never find one. I thought that due to my personality, people would think I'm asexual (which I still thought was aro at this time) and not consider me an option. Eventually, though I don't remember exactly why, I decided to do some research on asexuality. It was that night that I first had the reaction that "this might be me."

 

After a bit of research I was identifying myself as asexual, and came out to pretty much everyone I knew. This period of confidence, however, didn't last forever. I was soon stricken with self doubt, with came and went in phases. I would be fine, then not, then fine again. During these periods of self doubt I would frantically research and post here and on Reddit. It was to the point where I'd have a pre-typed summary of all my thoughts and feelings about it that I would put in every post, hoping that people would tell me who I am. I needed a label to function. The uncertainty from not having one would kill me. I would receive support time and time again, yet the cycle continued. I began worrying if it was ever going to end, if the constant doubt meant I was wrong about the whole thing, but I still tried. Soon, the phases became slightly different, calmer, if you will. It didn't feel like I was being eaten from the inside from the confusion and doubt, but I wasn't confident either. I was in limbo, not quite sure, still shifting ever so slightly back and forth.

 

Now, I’ve been at this for about a year, but I still haven’t made much headway. I’ve gotten conflicting info on a lot of things, and I’m just confused. I don’t really feel like I know where I am anymore. It’s almost like I’m in denial of being both things at once. I’ve been thinking that it may be my mental problems that are causing all of this, but I don’t know. I’m going to try to see a specialist soon, so hopefully I won’t need to endure another year or torture.

 

Part 3: Checklist

 

Why I might be ace:

  1. Both previous crushes were purely romantic.

  2. I’d be fine living without sex.

  3. Sex is absent in my visions of a perfect relationship (not really a factor I consider)

Why I might NOT be ace:

  1. I have a libido and masturbate very frequently.

  2. Often use visual stimulus.

  3. I can imagine myself in a sexual situation with people.

  4. I can have fantasies with figures both male and female.

  5. I get that “tingle” when looking at people sometimes.

  6. When younger…

    1. Had bra strap trigger.

    2. Masturbating often felt better after being around a lot of new people my age.

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This is the most complete summary of how I feel that I have ever made. I was originally going to make it a .pdf but that revealed my real name.

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10 minutes ago, Flump222 said:

There's also this weird feeling. I can get this feeling out of nowhere, where my heart rate increases, I get an urge to stare, and I can sometimes get this weird tingling "down there" (though it's definitely not anywhere close to full arousal, if it's arousal at all).

Sounds like Aesthetic Attraction, since the urge you get is to stare.

 

12 minutes ago, Flump222 said:

I have a libido and masturbate very frequently.

Some Asexuals have a libido and masturbate.

 

13 minutes ago, Flump222 said:

Often use visual stimulus.

If you mean porn, some Asexuals watch porn.

 

14 minutes ago, Flump222 said:

I can imagine myself in a sexual situation with people.

Usually it's in the third person, but even if it's not, some Asexuals can imagine sexual situations.

 

15 minutes ago, Flump222 said:

I can have fantasies with figures both male and female.

Some Asexuals have fantasies, and it doesn't matter what the sex of the people in them is.

 

16 minutes ago, Flump222 said:

I get that “tingle” when looking at people sometimes.

Some Asexuals experience arousal.

 

17 minutes ago, Flump222 said:

When younger…

1. Had bra strap trigger.

2. Masturbating often felt better after being around a lot of new people my age.

Some Asexuals have kinks.

 

 

I'm going to be blunt, the only thing that matters when determining if you're Asexual is whether you experience Sexual Attraction, and it seems like you don't, so I'd say you're Asexual.

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letusdeleteouraccounts

Trust me Flump, it’s not all so complicated when you get down to definitions. You’re asexual if you’ve never had that feeling that makes you desire sex with someone. I haven’t experienced it, but I had a romantic crush and from that experience I’d imagine sexual attraction is a very distinct feeling. From what I’ve heard and my experience of romantic attraction, I’d describe sexual attraction as a feeling that makes you feel fluttery like you’re losing gravity and your body is just desperate for sex with that person you laid your eyes on whether you actually want it or not. It brings temptations and urges pulling you closer and closer to that person and trying to stop it would be a war against yourself. Think about if that relates to your experiences. If it doesn’t and you conclude that you’ve never experienced sexual attraction, then you’re asexual

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Relating to a lot of what you described I'd say you're asexual. I agree with Star Lion though, think about what they said and you should come to a conclusion.

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