Getting into romantic relationships later in life

[RoseGoesToYale]

I think a lot of people get their first boyfriend/girlfriend/partner around their mid-teen years. Some even try it out of peer pressure, or just to see what being in a non-platonic relationship feels like. By age 20, the majority have a good idea of what such a relationship is like, whether it's "this is totally what I want" or "I want something completely different" or "once was enough, no more romantic relationships for me". There's some sort of reference point for navigating this stuff.

 

I'm 22 and I've never been in a relationship. Not even close. I have absolutely no reference point, and I realized that when I do get into a relationship for the first time I'll be completely lost. I guess if I'm lucky I'll get someone who's equally completely lost, and we can be completely lost together.

 

If you first got into a relationship past your teen years, what issues did you encounter? How did you learn to navigate them? It's intimidating because I feel like everyone has all this experience and expectations going into relationships and I'm like "What even is a date supposed to be like?"

[SithAzathoth WinterDragon]

I've never been in a physical relationship and I'm in my late 20s, I'll never want a physical relationship because I want privacy and personal space and no touching.

 I HAVE been in a long distance relationship though and it was ok, we wanted to meet but they wanted me to go to Ireland to flee my place since they got a taste of how bad it is in my area, I told them that it's not safe here. The time differences though was the worst part, I'll be going to bed and they'll be getting up or I have just woke up and they were going to bed, they stayed up late a lot and we talked, since we both knew I was not going to make it there we became friends and still talk from time to time. 

[mitsu]

I entered my first relationship last year. I was 20-21 around the time and the relationship lasted roughly 4 months. We met smoothly through friends and had drinks together when we first met. After I invited them to study with me after that it sort of became our thing and then we went on a few dates(shopping, eating out). Dates are kind of like going out with a friend especially if you don't treat them like a date. This part of it was easy. We had good fun as friends and they even invited me over for dinner eventually at their dorm. Honestly, I did encounter some issues. This relationship happened while I was abroad in Japan and they were from S Korea, so there were definitely cultural bridges to cross. Secondly, we didn't really solidfy the "direction" the relationship was heading until he kissed me when we were watching some movies together at his place. I wasn't expecting the french kiss( it was also my first) and he could tell it was my first by how I reacted to his tongue. So it made it really obvious I was a virgin and made things awkward/embarrassing for me. Like I could tell he was trying to figure out why that was my first kiss/I was a virgin at 20. "Hadn't she ever dated before in HS? Was there something wrong with her?" I could see those questions on his face. I tried to express that back home I hadn't really given relationships much thought as a teen. We did end up having sex a few times eventually, after he asked for permission and I felt I trusted him enough. I actually didn't hate it, but I didn't really feel anything during it like when we kissed. And then I found out I was ace spectrum this year but thats a whole other story lol

 

Anyway the relationship collapsed when we both had to return home to our countries. Long distance wasn't something he wanted and I think me being not fully asian myself(I'm only part chinese), he was a bit worried about the reception I would get from his family/friends in Korea. Pretty xenophobic I know...

 

Sorry I kinda blabbered on 😅 hope it gave you a little insight into it. Theres not "correct" way to date, but It really does make things harder doing dating with no prior experience. Like this experience in Japan was cute and a little awkward, but it laid the foundation of experience when dealing with future romantic encounters. There's also nothing wrong with waiting until your 20s to date, its definitely doable. In fact, it gives you a different perspective and much less grief I think. People by around 25 start to take relationships more seriously.

[Spotastic]

I didn't have my first relationship until I was 23, and it never got physical. I met her online and when we finally met, it "wasn't the same as the internet", which I thought was a feature, not a bug. At 24 I met the woman who would become my wife, and we've been married since I was 25. That's the extent of my relationships. Things were rocky going with my wife for a few years, especially before I knew about asexuality, but things worked out since then. It likely helped that we were both open and honest about what we needed and wanted from a relationship, and figured out the rest together.

[EdInLeeds]

I'm 33 (34 in February) and I've never had a relationship that lasted for more than a few weeks.  I regularly have thoughts exactly like this.

 

One beam of hope is that one of my friends has found a partner this year, having only had a few very casual relationships before and all of them >10 years ago.  He seems to be getting on fine with his new girlfriend.  This makes me think that I might be able to do it as well.

 

I once got a friend to check my online dating profile to see how it sounded.  Her main concern was that I didn't state clearly what sort of partner I wanted.  The problem is - how am I supposed to know?  To make an allegory, you don't know what your favourite food is or your favourite beer is before you've tried a few different sorts.  How am I supposed to know what sort of partner would be best for me when I've never had a chance to experiment?

 

I regret having been so unsociable when I was at university.  I wish that I'd spent less time reading in my room and cooking, and more time going out and meeting people.

[Lord Jade Cross]

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[Jenna Nicole]

I am 33–34 in December–and am glad to hear I'm not the only person at this age who have never been in a relationship. Of course, then you can ask "well, how do you know you're asexual? You're a virgin, right?" But virginity or abstinence or celibacy has nothing to do with it. I know that I don't want to have sex; however, I am interested in having a romantic relationship with either a guy or a girl. Just like the you, @RosyIcepick, I would be completely lost. I don't know what to expect in a relationship never having been in one.

Well, actually, I shouldn't say I have never been in a relationship. A true relationship I think is between two people with mutual feelings and go into the said relationship feeling something, whether it's friendship, platonic, romantic, or sexual, as opposed to going into a relationship just so you can mark off your dating conquests if that makes sense. In that context, I have been in two very superficial, shallow relationships. Both were incredibly toxic and I am happy to say I 'dumped' them. Or at least, I think I dumped them.

[SilentRose]

First thing I have to say is that when I read the title of your post, I figured maybe you would be middle aged or older...most people I know don't consider 22 years old to be "later in life" But really, I don't think you have too much to worry about in that regards- I have heterosexual friends who didn't start dating until their twenties for a myriad of reasons, from insecurity to being focused on school. Movies and tv shows will make you feel like you're the only one who hasn't had three boyfriends by age 16, but there are actually a lot of people who wait. 

 

And to answer you question, My first relationship wasn't until I was about 19 or 20, which I guess some people might consider later than average. I had the same worries you do, of not having enough experience sexually or romantically. The thing is though is that every new person and every new relationship is different, so everyone basically goes into every new relationship with the same level of nervousness and confusion. Just because you future partner will likely have dated other people before doesn't mean they've ever dated *you*, and believe me, they will probably be just as nervous on the first date as you will be. 

 

I guess what I'm saying is...you don't need a reference point- your relationship doesn't need to follow any sort of outline or model.  A date can be sitting in the car discussing your pets or a trip to the museum. Intimacy can be sex or it can be holding hands or it can be simply talking. Romance can be sending chocolate and flowers or it can be sending each other funny memes to brighten their day. There's no set definition of a relationship, besides just spending time together, caring for each other and being there for each other. The rest is up to you. *You* define your relationship- don't let friends or family or society do it for you. 

 

Good luck! 

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 hour ago, Jenna Nicole said:

Just like the you, @RosyIcepick, I would be completely lost. I don't know what to expect in a relationship never having been in one.

Same for me. I'm 37 and one of the things I worry about is that I don't even know how to handle relationships because I have never been in one...

[Techie]

14 hours ago, Jenna Nicole said:

I am 33–34 in December–and am glad to hear I'm not the only person at this age who have never been in a relationship. 

I'll do you one better: I'm 56 and in the same situation. In fact, I just popped over to this thread from the "Being an Older Virgin" thread:

 

Even now I have yet to understand what it would take to be in just a romantic relationship. As it is, at my "advanced" age 😂, I have developed a non-sexual infatuation for a  woman four years younger than me at my parish. It drives me crazy because I have absolutely no foundation or experience to even approach her beyond some casual talk we have had about our jobs. Add the asexuality component in and I am driving with blinders on. I have had PM discussions on this site with fellow members in the 50+ group and the general consensus in my case is there really is no solution for me as the sexual component to most human relationships is important. I could either force myself into trying to act as a sexual person (mind you, one who has zero experience in that area) or simply refuse to have such a component to a possible relationship and deny my partner the physical intimacy they should have thus dooming the relationship from the get go. If I try to imagine myself being in an intimate situation with a woman, I get a picture in my mind of a chimpanzee with a hammer and screwdriver trying to assemble a piece of furniture from Ikea 🙄.

 

If someone smarter than me does figure it all out, I would love to see the answer. Short of me getting into time machine and going back and reworking my DNA and life experiences, I just cannot see a solution.

[EdInLeeds]

8 hours ago, Techie said:

Even now I have yet to understand what it would take to be in just a romantic relationship. As it is, at my "advanced" age 😂, I have developed a non-sexual infatuation for a  woman four years younger than me at my parish. It drives me crazy because I have absolutely no foundation or experience to even approach her beyond some casual talk we have had about our jobs. Add the asexuality component in and I am driving with blinders on. I have had PM discussions on this site with fellow members in the 50+ group and the general consensus in my case is there really is no solution for me as the sexual component to most human relationships is important. I could either force myself into trying to act as a sexual person (mind you, one who has zero experience in that area) or simply refuse to have such a component to a possible relationship and deny my partner the physical intimacy they should have thus dooming the relationship from the get go. If I try to imagine myself being in an intimate situation with a woman, I get a picture in my mind of a chimpanzee with a hammer and screwdriver trying to assemble a piece of furniture from Ikea 🙄.

 

If someone smarter than me does figure it all out, I would love to see the answer. Short of me getting into time machine and going back and reworking my DNA and life experiences, I just cannot see a solution.

First, warning of sexual content in this link to Psychology Today.  I read this article now whilst thinking about your situation.  Based on this, it sounds as if a lot of men your age would have similar worries, even if they've had sex a few times in the past.  Maybe you're not as different as you might think.  The article mentions that there are other sexual things that you can do instead of intercourse, but I imagine that many couples simply stop doing it once they're both in their 50s.

 

I know that doesn't answer your question but there must be some 50-something women who adjust their expectations so that they can be with a man who doesn't have sex.

[Techie]

18 hours ago, EdInLondon said:

First, warning of sexual content in this link to Psychology Today.  I read this article now whilst thinking about your situation. 

Thanks for that link. It is a very interesting read. You do bring up a good point that 50+ women probably might expect some kind of impairment in men in my age group. Of course their counter argument would be "what about Viagra or Cialis?". The statistics cited in the article are quite eye opening. I recall several years ago a story on TV about Viagra and  higher incidents of heart issues. It was thought Viagra might be the problem. It wasn't until one physician started asking questions as to why men were having ED, other than just prescribing Viagra, that it was found it wasn't the Viagra but that ED was an early indicator of coronary artery disease such that men with ED already had the early stages of heart issues.

[Spotastic]

While my grandfather certainly isn't a standard to go by, he was still making babies into his 70's. He had 37 children (15 of those with my grandmother). I still think that most assume sex drive lowers at a certain age anyway, but I'm sure there are people out there in their 60's+ who are having sex, but just not advertising it. I'm not trying to make you concerned @Techie, but it's another perspective to be aware of.

[Techie]

1 hour ago, Spotastic said:

While my grandfather certainly isn't a standard to go by, he was still making babies into his 70's. He had 37 children (15 of those with my grandmother). I still think that most assume sex drive lowers at a certain age anyway, but I'm sure there are people out there in their 60's+ who are having sex, but just not advertising it. I'm not trying to make you concerned @Techie, but it's another perspective to be aware of.

My paternal grandfather was 46 when my father was born. My father was 40 when I was born. Huge generation gap in my family with my grandfather having been born in 1874.

 

The irony is not lost on me as someone who does not suffer from the issues that start affecting many males my age (I control my blood pressure, exercise and have good cardiac health) that I am looking at ways one might avoid a sexual relationship yet have a romantic relationship. Meanwhile there are many men with health issues that cause difficulty having sex and would probably kill to be fully functioning again. Life is strange...

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

https://www.guttmacher.org/fact-sheet/american-teens-sexual-and-reproductive-health

 

Looks like about 80% of Americans have sex by the age of 20. That doesn't mean a romantic relationship, but I would imagine that number to be even higher. That is, there are more sexually inactive couples than sexually active uncoupled people before 20.

 

So at 22, yes indeed you are in the minority.

 

My experience was that I got into my first relationship when I was 23 and she was 26. She had been in one prior relationship so we were both fairly inexperienced. To make a long story short, the whole thing was very awkward to me, probably because I am aromantic. We split up after only three months or so. I was ok with the kissing and cuddling but it wasn't anything I really craved.

 

I am very glad I did it though since I know a bit about what it is like. I have a reference point and can definitely know I don't want more of it.

 

I'd recommend giving it a shot. Just take it slowly and trust your feelings.