Yagami Posted July 30, 2006 Share Posted July 30, 2006 I'm 19 years old and with a girl the same age... We've been together for 3 years now and we've recently started to have problems. We promised each other we wouldn't have sex till marriage and now it just seems we can't do it at all because she completely refuses it, she admits to being asexual and i'm not sure what to do. I really respect her and love her, she means alot to me and i'd like to have an intimate relationship with her too... But we can't get by it at all, she won't consider it, try it, or anything. I love her and I was even considering to give it up. I'm not sure though, what should I do? I feel bad that i've gone through such lengths to try and keep sex into the relationship... but I can't help but feel that I want it. :( I really want some advice before anything. Link to post Share on other sites
MaraKarina Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 There are plenty of posts here from sexuals in relationships with asexuals. Reading them will give you a good overview and then you'll have to decide for yourself. I don't know the reason why you chose to abstain from sex until marriage. If that reason is a religious one, please note that sex is considered a major part of and the reason for marriage in literally all religions. Link to post Share on other sites
sonofzeal Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 Yagami, I hear you. It's a really tough position to be in, where something's really important to you but is such a big problem for your partner. I assume you've tried various forms of compromise? For some asexuals, penetration is a huge issue, but other things might be okay. If your chastity thus far has been for religious reasons, note that despite what many catholics will tell you, there's nothing in the bible to imply that there's anything wrong with other forms of sexual expression, which may be easier for your partner to deal with, and might even be enjoyable for them. The key is compromise - maybe not doing all the things you'd like, and maybe not doing things as often as you'd like, but working with your partner to find something that fits both of you. If a compromise can't be reached, nobody would blame you if you decide that the relationship wasn't what you thought it would be. Sexual release is more than just a desire for most guys - it's practically a biological imperative up there with food and sleep. Some can do without it, and if you're one, then the best of luck to you with your girl. If not, it may be that the two of you just arn't meant to be together. That's how it happens some times. Link to post Share on other sites
gypsylady Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 I love her and I was even considering to give it up. I'm not sure though, what should I do? I feel bad that i've gone through such lengths to try and keep sex into the relationship... but I can't help but feel that I want it. Yagami, I know you're a good person because you have actually done some research by coming here and posting on this forum. But, like sonofzeal said (to paraphrase), if she's asexual, and if her limits, as she's tried to explore them with you, have come to be something you don't think you can handle longterm, you may want to rethink your plans with her. It's got to be really, really (really), hard to find that the person you think is the love of your life has physical needs that are so different from your own. And if, upon searching your soul, you find that you honestly can't compromise, DON'T get married. Things may not change with time and, if you can't accept her for who and what she is right now, happiness may not be in the cards for you. You may owe it to yourself, and her, to move on. This is such a tough situation. And yet, it is a situation that alot of couples find themselves in once they've made a commitment and done the legal thing. Finding out ahead of time is a blessing that some of them wish they'd had. I'm sorry, sweetie. I wish I had a better answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Rabger Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 I don't know the reason why you chose to abstain from sex until marriage. If that reason is a religious one, please note that sex is considered a major part of and the reason for marriage in literally all religions. Also take into consideration that sex within marriage was largely seen as solely a popping out babies type of thing anyway. Marriage itself wasn't about love or intimacy, it was about property. And that the love thing is only a very recent thing when it comes to marriage and sex. Just to be fair. Yagami, I'm a little confused. You said that you both had agreed to not have sex until marriage, and then you said that you've been struggling to keep it part of the relationship. For the sake of knowing where you're coming from, are you saying that you two are now married, or that you're trying to keep sexual activity going but stopping short of intercourse (there are different versions of sex, but most hetero-sexuals, especially if for religious reasons, seem to think they don't count)? She refuses to take part, but has she actually explained to you the reasons why, or just refuses to discuss it at all? If she openly admits to being asexual, you could direct her to this site just so she has a place to meet others and see how everyone else handles their situations. Also keep in mind that one can be intimate without sex. I point this out because you said something about wanting to be intimate with her but her refusing sex makes the intimacy impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
skiter Posted August 5, 2006 Share Posted August 5, 2006 Don't walk - run away from this girl - the faster the better. Find someone else that doesn't get all creeped about having sex. You'll do yourself and her a big favor. If she likes chineses food and you prefer italian food, then sure - talk it out and find a compromise. But if you're sexual and she doesn't want it, then accept reality and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Derp Posted August 5, 2006 Share Posted August 5, 2006 ^ Gee, a simple "maybe it won't work out" would have sufficed... Link to post Share on other sites
Arukei Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 I'n my opinion I'd say you're both too young to make that kind of a deal. You have any idea of how much the two of you are going to change in the next five years??? I'm not saying throw her to the curb, but I'm definitely suggesting that you wait on the whole marrige thing.... at least for a few years. Unless you're planning to divorce her, you are talking about the rest of your live and her's; that's worth putting it off for a few years so you can both be making a decision thats the best for each of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Kallan Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 Don't walk - run away from this girl - the faster the better.Find someone else that doesn't get all creeped about having sex. You'll do yourself and her a big favor. If she likes chineses food and you prefer italian food, then sure - talk it out and find a compromise. But if you're sexual and she doesn't want it, then accept reality and move on. I think that's a bit pre-mature. There are plenty of people who've been able to make compromises, it all depends on how important having sex is to him, and how important not having it is for her. I personally could not be in a sustained relationship with someone who wanted sex, but other asexuals have expressed different opinions. As with Rabger I'm a little confused as to whether you are currently married or not. And as most of the other posters have said I think you should direct her to this site and explore your options together. Link to post Share on other sites
fern Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 I agree with Arukei. If you're not married yet, then hold off for a few more years yet. This is a huge issue and needs to be sorted out first. But if you guys put marriage into the equation, the emotions and pressures surrounding this issue will only feel heightened and - I think - make it harder to see a clear solution. I also agree that bringing her to AVEN is a great idea. That way the two of you can discuss this in an informative and supportive environment, or at the very least, gain some new insight or perspective that might help bring about a solution that works for the both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Tool1989 Posted December 29, 2006 Share Posted December 29, 2006 Sexual stuff isn't everything in a relationship. It hardly means anything to me. I am sexual, and I know where you are coming from. Think of it this way: you are sexual she is asexual. If she is a person whom you truly love, then sacrifice your dreams of a sexual relationship. I'd prefer to have an emotional relationship without any touching or kissing just to be with somebody who understands me and truly respects me. You get the point. I talked to this asexual girl about going out with her to a restaurant and a movie (she is vegan and doesn't like violent movies, which is fine with me! :P) and she is all freaked out about me starting about sex. I went on for an hour and twenty minutes explaining to her why I would rather have an emotional relationship than a sexual one. If you REALLY want sex, then leave her (cheating is awful and will hurt her even if she is asexual) but remember this: once you leave her, she is gone for good. Make SURE that you don't want to be with her anymore. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkhairedbeauty Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 I would advise that you think very carefully about tossing away a 3 year relationship before you are absolutely sure. Definitely talk about every possible angle she is coming from to see which page ur both on. "Sex" can be a broad term and there are different ways to express sexuality. Maybe there are things that are more off limits to her than others? If she is opposed to any type of sexual contact, then maybe you can ask yourself whether you want sex for emotional or physical relief, or both? Without being too graphic, sometimes people just have the physical desire for sex that they think makes them feel like they "need" it, and you could pleasure yourself from time to time if need be. I know woman who say they have a naturally low sex drive anyway, and they are still sexuals, but can go without it. Many many things to think about. Just take your time and mull over every aspect like i said, because if you both truly love each other, then it may be worth preserving. You may find emotional things in this relationship that are hard to find elsewhere. Likewise, you may find that you are both more compatible with others. Link to post Share on other sites
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