Crush is tearing me apart

[Ace_O]

First, this account is a new alt, so no need to greet me, though cake is always appreciated

 

I should also preface this by saying I'm a guy, and this involves another guy. I can't go to anyone I know irl about this because they absolutely cannot find out about that.

 

I was also going to post this as just a self-exploration story, but my feelings toward this person have progressed to the point where I need advice. This is the end of the foreword

 

A little more than a year ago I got in touch with a guy I'll call SN over a mutual interest and the fact we go to the same college, in the same year. We talked occasionally on Discord about things like class, our interest, etc but never even met until about a month ago. Just prior to that, for some reason, we just really opened up to each other and literally nothing was off of the table for what we'd talk about. We'd also chat from whenever we were done with class until like 2am. At this point he was definitely the closest friend I'd ever had but I didn't think more of it.

 

It was also around that time that SN and I decided to go to a multi-day event in another city and book a hotel, all that. We met up so we could know neither of us is getting catfished, but I didn't feel anything then. I don't really find many people attractive physically, and never another guy (god, I never even thought I'd do what's coming).

 

One thing led to another and eventually we decided that on the last night of the event we were going to experiment sexually. I was curious because even though I'm ace I do have a drive, and he considers himself gay, but he's really demi imo. (But it gets complicated here because he's also in a long distance relationship.) His LDR boyfriend gave him permission to mess around the once with just a couple restrictions.

 

So the time goes by, we still talk until early in the morning and the event comes. 5 hour drive, we spend the day together and I notice that I start to like him. I tend to gravitate towards personalities I like and here I got to know his. Two more days pass by and at this point I've got a full crush. That night comes and I find that the physical touch (any kind) I've craved for almost a decade is indeed as amazing as I'd thought it would be. I had my first sexual encounter with someone I trust, learned a few things about what I like, had a good time, and confirmed I was ace cause even after that I didn't find him "hot". But I think all those bonding hormones may have also perpetuated the situation I'm in.

 

We get back and a day later it hits me: I'm falling for my best friend, I think he might like me and we've even messed around (and we have agreed we'd do it again if it wasn't for...), but he's in a long distance relationship. It pains me to see him in it because, though I obviously want him to be happy, I know that LDRs are tough and he has said as much. His BF hasn't been as engaging lately and it's taking its toll. I feel like he'd be much happier with a normal relationship but idk if that's just me being selfish.

 

I've never been romantically involved with someone and I can't let this go because I've never been as close to someone in my 22 years of living, and doubt I'll be as close to someone else again for a very, very long time. I desperately want to have someone I can not only be open with, but be affectionate with. I don't read social cues well so I can't tell if he definitely likes me but the fact that he was the one to initiate the conversation that lead to things probably points in that direction. But he's taken 😔. What do? I don't think it'd be hard for me to tell him how I feel but I'm afraid of putting him in a position where he's between his long distance bf and I. At the same time, if he feels the same and something more develops it would be the most rewarding experience of my life to date.

 

I should say we still talk until 2am. We've both acknowledged that getting to know each other better had pulled both of us out of mild depression. He and my family have immediately hit it off and he's spending thanksgiving with us. But he's also involved enough in his LDR that he's spending a week with his bf during winter break. Unlike previous crushes where I longed for someone but knew I couldn't do anything because I was too chicken, this time it hurts because the other person is already involved with someone. I can't stop my feelings but I can't distance myself. I haven't dealt with anything like this before.

 

Thanks for reading my little story. It hasn't been all bad, in fact I've grown a lot and at least made a lifelong friend. But obviously there is a bit of an issue and if anyone has anything to help I'd really appreciate it 🍰