What Can Be Considered Transphobia?

[PuckTheMagicDragon]

While I myself do not personally consider myself under the label of trans, I do identify as non binary. Recently, I was considering coming out to my mother, whom I have a bit of a rocky relationship with. However, on the day I intended to at least breach the subject, we ran into a close friend of mine who is also non binary. Once they had left, my mother made a comment along the lines of how she was a lovely girl. As they are out about their gender identity, I attempted to politely correct her on their pronouns. To which she responded with how “she was technically a girl, so you shouldn’t be so up in arms about it.” I wasn’t, by the way. I hardly see how quietly mentioning that their pronouns are they/them is offensive. Is it? Am I mistaken? Anyway, my mother continued to use female pronouns to refer to them the rest of the night, even when I attempted to bring it up again. 

 

I wanted to inform her at least partially, due to my gender dysphoria becoming increasingly larger every time she (and anyone else) uses my birth name or gendered pronouns to refer to me. But I just feel entirely upended over doing so now. Am I overreacting? The only reason I waited this long in the first place was that this is the first time in my life that I feel truely valid about my gender. Small remarks and actions like this have been throwing me off for years. For example, two years ago I mentioned that I did not like my chest area, and asked how she would react if I got top surgery. I essentially got an off handed speech about how she did not spend so much time and energy growing me and making sure I was healthy in order for me to ‘mutilate’ my body, which was created how I was ‘meant to be’. There have been other repeated remarks, such as when I mention how I don’t like such feminine birth names. She just goes on about how she gifted them to me, how they had family significance, how they’re such lovely names, etc. If so much as mention changing them in her presence, she’ll go all teary eyed about it and I feel so guilty.

 

Is my mother transphobic, or simply uninformed? Am I being unfair to her since I haven’t explained my gender identity to her? I feel too personally invested in this to come to a conclusion on my own. Thoughts? Thank you, and apologies for bothering you about this.

[Philip027]

Some people just don't see/recognize gender, and with her "meant to be" comments it sounds like she's at least a little bit religious too which often doesn't help in seeing/recognizing gender.

 

I dunno about transphobic (I take the term more seriously than most, there needs to be outright fear/hate/ostracization for me to call it a phobia) but regardless, it is unlikely you are ever going to have healthy discourse with her about the subject so long as she feels personally offended by something as minor as changing names.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Ugh, no you aren't overreacting, and good on you for standing up for your friend. Don't back down over this, it's important to both of you and if she won't accept it that's her problem. I'm gonna say she sounds like my father - that is, a bit of a dick. He rejected me when I came out too, felt like I'd been physically stabbed and I'm still reeling from it, especially since I live with him. She's emotionally blackmailing you with the "I gifted you with them" and crying shit btw, and gaslighting you into making it think it's your problem, not hers. I've become an expert at spotting this tactic sadly, so don't let her stop you living your life authentically, even if it means you have to cut ties.

[Rosendust]

In my opinion, Transphobia can be from Calling you by your dead name, if you've chosen another or not using the correct pronouns that you've chosen.

[Guest]

Family is difficult. There's an emotional connection to it... They're seeing you in this image they've had for years now... And now this isn't their reality anymore... Yeah. 

 

That's going to be met with difficulties... Everyone deals differently with it.

 

Some outright are fine with it. 

Some are seemingly fine with, only to turn around later to be a transphobe. Or a religious nutcase.

Some seem transphobic, only to not really understand it all, because it doesn't make sense to them. 

Some are just, transphobes.

 

I guess time will decipher which one of these people are. 

 

But if you're time and time again... Over the course of a year... (It's up to you to draw this boundary of how you're willing to allow this) Are still met with non-acceptance of your identity. They imho belong to the transphobe category.