What is Romantic Attraction?

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@Man of the Stoa

 

The thing is, romantic attraction is an internal feeling. Romance is an internal feeling. It’s a way of experiencing affection. Think of it this way: when we are young, the first form of love/affection/attraction we ever experience is platonic - toward our family and then our friends. So platonic love, friendship, is what we think of when we think of basic affection - caring about someone’s wellbeing, wanting that person to be happy, etc. We can have deeper or more intimate affection for different people, but it’s all affection. And at first, it’s all platonic. Romantic attraction is just a different way of experiencing affection for someone. You inherently see that person differently; not in terms of who they are, but in terms of how you feel about them. If you don’t know if what you feel is romantic or platonic, then it’s apparently not significantly different from the types of affection you felt before, so I would guess it’s not romantic. If it’s romantic, you kind of know. 

 

Another problem is that when people try to describe romantic attraction, they think of a new crush, because that’s when there is something more powerful than basic affection going on and that’s when actions tend to differ. But it’s not romantic attraction being described; it’s infatuation. Infatuation makes you have intrusive thoughts about the person. Infatuation makes you act illogically. Infatuation gives you a sense of euphoria when you are with the person. Infatuation wears off after a few years. Romantic attraction is not infatuation. But romantic attraction is a mentality about a person; it’s a type of affection, a form that affection can take. Cultures came up with stereotypical behavior meant to represent romantic attraction, but that is a socially understood way of expressing romantic attraction, not evidence that you are experiencing it. So asking for a definition that includes any kind of action is counterintuitive. 

 

Think of it more like gender identity. If you are born a biological female, multiple things can happen. Maybe you will act feminine and feel feminine and never have any reason to question anything. Maybe you will feel female mentally, but act in a way that is more stereotypically masculine - you like mechanical things and you wear masculine clothes and so forth. Or maybe you are mentally a male, so you like mechanics and you wear masculine clothes and so forth. How can you tell from actions whether there is a difference between the two later examples? You don’t. You have to take the person’s word for it because it’s an internal experience. If you look at actions, you will end up with a lot of confused people thinking they are transgender because they don’t fit a cultural stereotype closely enough. Yet this is exactly what we do with romantic attraction - we determine that it’s a mental attraction, but when we are asked to define it, people want definitions that include actions and stereotypes. People confuse social expression of the feeling for evidence of that feeling’s existence. 

 

So that being said, I could list out things that I personally view as romantic. Most of them would be very circumstancial. But ultimately, all I’m describing is what I personally interprest as expressions of romantic attraction, and you won’t find yourself any closer to understanding romantic attraction itself. I don’t think it could give you the answer that you are looking for. I’m sure there are things that, if you saw other people doing them, would lead you to assume that those people were in a romantic relationship or at least that one of them wanted to be. These are what you view as romantic interactions (and if you like the idea of having that type if relationship - whatever specific actions that entails, then that is romantic attraction because you are attracted to the idea of having romantic interactions), and they are probably largely influenced by your culture’s stereotypes. But it’s always possible to interpret a situation incorrectly - because again, actions are only the expression, not the attraction itself. 

 

I’m kind of rambling because I’ve been up almost 24 hours and just got home from a 6 hour road trip. So I apologize if what I said was muddled or unclear. I really don’t have the stamina to go back and fix it right now, so I just hope it was coherent enough to get my point across...