Does anyone else feel like we have created our own weird sexual identity?

[Alone with someone]

I really feel like I’m somehow stuck in a new sexual identity/orientation, being the sexual partner in a mixed relationship. I’m not trying to demean others, just looking at from an identity/community standpoint. Sexuals in relationships with other sexuals, singles, and aces with aces don’t really understand our situation. It’s only places like this that I feel I can at least try to get help, support, opinions, understanding. Even our own ace partners can’t get us. At least not enough to help. It leaves me looking to other, unfortunately often unhappy, people like myself and this is one of the few places we meet.

[Ceebs]

I don't know if it's an identity exactly, although I suppose that's up to every individual to decide what aspects of their life constitute their identity. I'd say it's definitely a very specific demographic at least. 

[anamikanon]

Yeah. This is similar to what I meant in my other thread. My sexuality these days seems "Partner of an ace".

[ryn2]

3 hours ago, CBC said:

I don't know if it's an identity exactly, although I suppose that's up to every individual to decide what aspects of their life constitute their identity. I'd say it's definitely a very specific demographic at least. 

From what many of the sexual partners on here say, it always reminds me of AlAnon... like the partners of chemically-dependent people, they may not be “in the thing” itself but they share characteristics and face common challenges that people whose partners aren’t chemically dependent can’t understand.

[SusannaC]

I agree it’s not easy to talk to others about these issues  & I’m impressed by how lonely i have felt over the years as a result.  Until I found this forum I believed I was truly alone and  living in a bizarre relationship that was hard to describe to anyone- even therapists!  I come here for solace now and am comforted that my feelings and experiences aren’t really all that unusual.   Many people here are also encouraging and upbeat-not always unhappy for sure.  A big reason why I keep coming back.   Hang in there!

[MrDane]

If aces are only 1%, then mixed relationship is even less.  No wonder we feel odd.

 

I constantly get reminded on the ‘mix’ when I do things that feels natural to me, like giving a kiss, a hug, telling her I love her, feeling aroused... Often, when I pass a shop with lingerie, my initial thougth is “nice, I would like to buy some pretty things for my lovely wife, since I would love to see her in it” but then reality kicks in and I remember how all “sexy” should best be removed from the equation.

 

if we were to discuss our problems, then mostly the reaction is the same as towards when two sexuals have issues. “Have you tried making her feel like a woman”, “Buy her some flowers and tell her, that you love her”, “touch her with a feather”... or “she is not in love with you. She is going to leave you, just havent got the guts!”

 

but bottomline is: i love her. She loves me. We want to stay together forever. Sex is just an odd issue. Always will be.

 

 

[uhtred]

16 hours ago, SusannaC said:

I agree it’s not easy to talk to others about these issues  & I’m impressed by how lonely i have felt over the years as a result.  Until I found this forum I believed I was truly alone and  living in a bizarre relationship that was hard to describe to anyone- even therapists!  I come here for solace now and am comforted that my feelings and experiences aren’t really all that unusual.   Many people here are also encouraging and upbeat-not always unhappy for sure.  A big reason why I keep coming back.   Hang in there!

YES! Discovering that we are not alone in this is really helpful after most of a lifetime wondering what was wrong with *me* that my wife didn't want sex with me. It really was only when I found this site that I learned that there are people who don't want sex.  It really had never occurred to me before. 

[Chimeric]

It isn't a sexual identity/orientation, it's just a unique situation.

 

Personally, I've found my relationship to be more rewarding than any of the others I've had with other sexual folks. It has its challenges, as any does, but I've grown more as a person from my current relationship than I did in my marriage. 😄

[anisotrophic]

As someone who's been shifting gender identity and is contemplating physical transition, I can say... coming to a realization that my partner fit the description of asexuality, and accepting that, and him identifying as such... has been 50x more consuming of my thoughts and sense of identity than any trans-ness. As a result I don't feel very comfortable with a trans identity in any communal sense, because it matters so little in comparison.

 

So if you don't want to call it an identity, I can at least respond that it's far more important to me than the "identity" most folks expect me to care about.

 

And as far as I can tell, I have an ideal scenario. We have enormous empathy for each other, love, and excellent communicating, we are still intimate regularly (according to a pattern that works, but he's got no repulsion), and he hopes I can be intimate with someone else someday that can and does desire me (this is too impractical and I think it's safest to focus on stability in our relationship). The intimacy I get makes me feel loved, I'm intensely thankful for it.

 

There is nothing more I could ask for. But I still struggle. Someone male is kind to me? My thoughts slide into places I try so hard to avoid -- wondering what it's like to have someone that would desire me -- and I try to stamp out that pining hole in myself. Forget that such things are possible. I take shelter in a belief that I can't be desired by someone I love, and never will be; to think otherwise leaves me in pain. Even in this struggle, he's kind and comforting, I feel terrible about that.

 

I don't know where we're going. We've been together for... around 15 years. The gender and orientation things hit at the beginning of this year. It was devastating to realize he would never desire me, but it's also a lot better than how things were before. I think some of it just takes a lot of time, accepting things, adapting.

 

And there is that silver lining that he isn't repulsed by my gender changes; I wish he were bi/pan but as it is, he genuinely has no attachment to which way I go, I'm free to be myself. I'm really thankful for that.

 

Which identity matters to me? The one I can't talk about, the one that has no flag, no social justice, just isolating pain.

[SCPDX]

Wow. I just found this place and based on this thread, I think it’s where I need to be. 

 

Could it be main difference is that an identity is realized personally - i.e. for yourself - preferably without but all too often in spite of the influences of others? But with our shared situation, we are being asked to accomodate someone else’s identity, but in a way that the accommodation requires us to deny our own?

 

That’s why this is really hard to take. Some people, like me a year ago, see it as tantamount to abuse. 

 

I don’t see it that way any more. It’s not productive when you need to maintain the relationship for other reasons. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[anisotrophic]

@SCPDX personally I really prefer situations where a partner self-identifies as asexual.

 

My partner is NOT abusive. We never knew this was a possibility. We're working through it together. That means communicating, and caring. Including indicating when one is struggling, and hearing a partner's struggle, making safe spaces for each other to communicate, and trying to find solutions that work for each other.

 

If a partner is not trying to do their part, that's not asexuality. That's assholitude. Sometimes an asexual partner can be the a-hole but I have seen enough stories to know that sexual people can also be a-holes. It's a human failing that transcends orientation. (And if an a-hole is not identifying as ace: maybe they're not ace. It strikes me as incredibly unfair to think there may be people with uncaring non-ace partners that are applying the "ace" explanation, and making those negative stories to be about asexual partners. I don't know anything about your situation but this potential phenomenon bothers me.)

[SCPDX]

I don’t think my wife is abusive. I used to, but through cognitive behavioral therapy, I’ve gotten over that. But it’s pretty common for people with sex-averse partners (probably the term I should be using) to think that the aversion was because of something they did. Check out the deadbedroom Reddit feed. It will take 2-3 seconds to find people who feel this way (or don’t - there’s a lot of negativity there). 

 

She’s not calling herself asexual. She does admit that she’s sex-averse. It’s just helpful for me to see her that way. If I can view this as happening because this is who she is now and not because it’s something she’s doing to intentionally hurt me, it’s easier for me to accept - if that makes any sense.

[Traveler40]

@SCPDX, the label is irrelevant in my opinion and we’ve gone around about it on these forums before you arrived - you know your situation and wife best and judgments/terms are just that and unhelpful in my opinion.

 

It makes absolute sense that it’s more palatable to accept it as who she is versus intentionally inflicting pain on you. Her self labeling doesn’t change the reality in your household.  The only thing that works in time is continued communication and dedication to making it work - whatever that means for you both. The best of luck and welcome. 🍰 

[anamikanon]

7 hours ago, SCPDX said:

Could it be main difference is that an identity is realized personally - i.e. for yourself - preferably without but all too often in spite of the influences of others? But with our shared situation, we are being asked to accomodate someone else’s identity, but in a way that the accommodation requires us to deny our own?

This nails it for me. I'm highly independent overall too, and identity is something most people are ferociously territorial about. More than the lack of sex, my frustration with the situation is that my sexuality automatically gets rendered ineffective and nullified in the relationship. I remain sexual in name only, while loving in a manner completely alien to me. I can do whatever I want, but the simple fact is that my style of loving will not manifest.

 

Eventually, I'll adapt (or not). But I'll never be the unhesitating sexual that I naturally am while in this relationship.

 

That is also why moving to separate beds has brought me a lot of relief even if I don't get any more sex than I would if I slept with my ace. I don't have to change how I am every night anymore.