Questioning Asexual

[Nikki909]

Hi everyone! I'll try to explain my confusion with as few words as possible.  In high school, I was pretty sure I was asexual. I even had a boyfriend I madly fell in love with, but never felt any need to go further sexually with him. We made out and I was definitely attracted to him, but no sexual desire for him. He was understanding since I was openly asexual and did not try to advance with me. It turns out he was confused with his sexuality as well, but that's a different story. 

 

Fast forward to college. I meet my current boyfriend online, with whom I express my asexual feelings to. He tells me it's probably because I've never had sex. I was open to his guess and did not fight him too much. Two months into dating we have sex, after small steps of first, second and third base throughout different days. It was a new adventure for me, and I liked it, but I never said in my mind, "Welp, I guess I'm not asexual like I thought". I've enjoyed sex with him, but mainly because it feels so intimate, reinforces emotional bond, and I especially like that it feels good to him. I think we have an incredible relationship. 

 

I'm attracted to him, and like calling him sexy and whatnot but it kinda feels not-genuine to a degree. I don't feel like an actual desire to have sex for the sake of sex itself- it's always for validation, attention, love, closeness, etc. I've orgasmed maybe once in the year-and-a-half we've been together, and it wasn't even that...great? We've tried many things that would usually stimulate me on my own, but doesn't do anything for me when I'm with him. It would seriously harm our relationship if I came out, especially considering how many times we've had sex already.

 

I do masturbate on my own and orgasm, and watch porn too. I think it mainly turns me on knowing that the people in the video are very turned on, but not necessarily for my own fantasy. Sometimes I imagine myself as the man in the porn- how it feels to him. I'm certainly not gay, though. I'm so confused. I want to enjoy sex the way others do. I want to understand if I'm truly asexual or just weird...

 

 

[Oat]

That's one of the things I was also confused about when trying to figure out if I'm asexual or not as well. After doing a lot of research and thinking I can say with relative certainty that both me and you are asexual. Asexuality is about attraction, not whether or not you enjoy sex though that can be an indicator that you are asexual. You can enjoy sex and perhaps even want it, but if you're not feeling sexual attraction to... idk, I don't know how sexual attraction works 😂. If you don't feel that sexual attraction or feel it to only a small degree then you're most likely asexual.

 

welcome to AVEN, please help yourself to some cake 😁:

🍰

[EdInLeeds]

Hello, Nikki.

 

My first observation is that, with any concept, it's hard to say what it really means in every circumstance.  For example, some people have hair where it's not clear if they're blond or brunette.  Some say that Dutch and Flemish are different languages, and others say just dialects of the same language.  For almost any word in a human language, you can have a debate about what it really means.  Even the definition of "asexual" is not straight forward, as there are different ideas on what exactly sexual activity/attraction is (I once met a lesbian who considered cuddling and kissing to be sexual).

 

Second, I don't think that you're weird at all.  Actually I think that the proportion of the population that only has sex as an act of intimacy is a lot higher than the 1% often quoted for being asexual.  You're obviously not sex-repulsed or aromantic, as many AVEN members are.  Your sexuality is probably a more common sort than many AVEN members have.  It's always easier to give a label to the rarer occurrences.

 

I don't think that coming out as asexual to him would help things.  If you've been together a year and a half, then I presume that his appetite for sex is not much more than yours and you're well-aligned.  You might perhaps say something simple such as that you're not sex-mad or the sort of person who thinks about sex all the time, and he might well respond to say that he is not that sort of person either.  One part of your post in particular might benefit from a conversation:

2 hours ago, Nikki909 said:

We've tried many things that would usually stimulate me on my own, but doesn't do anything for me when I'm with him. 

Have you told him this?  If not, I suggest that you say that you don't really want to do these things and that might be a good opportunity for explaining that you're not sex-mad.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Many, if not most, sexuals have sex for the intimacy, closeness and bond; sexuality isn't "looking at someone and getting horny" as is often mistakenly peddled here. So yes, I'd say you're sexual and your first partner just didn't do it for you. And you're not weird, everything you're describing is experienced by around half (usually female) of the sexual population.

[NickyTannock]

@Nikki909 Welcome to AVEN!

 

I don't know if you're Asexual or not, as I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship, so I have no experience to compare to yours.
That said, I do think you should be honest about what you like and don't like either way.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

[MrDane]

@Nikki909 I recommend two steps in this. Done simultanously.

1. Be open and serious about telling about your loving feelings and fear of ending a good relationship.

2. Be open and tell how you feel. How you are puzzled about how a touch from your partner doesnt give same reaction. Be together in working around this issue.

 

...and not telling, is keeping important information away from your partner about issues which may be important to them as well. It leaves them without a chance to deal/help with the issue. 

 

I understand how this is difficult to discuss, but frankly that doesnt make it okay. It took my wife and I about 15 years to come to that conclusion. A lot of pain on both sides. Still not easy though. 

 

If you like to have sex for other reasons than the sexyness or the orgasm, but more the intimacy, closeness... then build on that. If you dont need the orgasm with him, then say so. It was a big relief to me, that my wife liked, but never needed. That it was nice for her, but mostly for my sake. And often best to think of it as a way to help me masturbate. ...or scratch an itch that I cant scratch and she can, with love.

[Eisu]

Sounds like you're like me. I'm aegosexual, I like imagining how something feels for someone else, but I don't imagine that situation for myself. I feel like if I were close enough with someone I would want to do something sexual if it made the other person happy, because if they liked it I would be happy. Does that mean I'm demisexual? Or you? I don't think so, I think it's just a matter of viewpoint. You like feeling emotionally close with someone, and doing things that let you feel how they feel about you. It's sort of like how if your significant other liked sailing, and you would want to enjoy their hobby with them, even if you didn't originally have that hobby. 

[Boxofcrayons]

I wouldn't say that my experience is the same as yours, but I do masturbate and I do have sex with my wife and don't hate it. For myself I have settled down with the label gray-asexual, which for me translates to sex once every couple of months. I don't tend to find sex full filling in a physical way, but like you mentioned I really like the emotional intimacy. So maybe it isn't a matter of moving away from asexuality, but instead modifying it slightly?