A Mum looking for advice... I'm clueless

[Mummykate]

Yes maybe it is crap... But I am not used to this.  

 

My 'norm' has always been boyfriend/girlfriend - I wasn't aware of it until he said 'he is not interested in boys or girls'.  That is why I am trying to understand it but coming on here.

I'm not phobic about it and I do not intend to cause offence because I asked him about 'boyfriends/girlfriends'.  I am just trying to understand him and his lifestyle choice.

[Twig55]

9 hours ago, BettyH said:

Yes maybe it is crap... But I am not used to this.  

 

My 'norm' has always been boyfriend/girlfriend - I wasn't aware of it until he said 'he is not interested in boys or girls'.  That is why I am trying to understand it but coming on here.

I'm not phobic about it and I do not intend to cause offence because I asked him about 'boyfriends/girlfriends'.  I am just trying to understand him and his lifestyle choice.

The problem some of us have is that repeated questions are often followed by the repeated refusal to listen to the response and then being treated like we haven't reached adulthood or don't know how we feel. I mean, why bother to ask if you are only willing to entertain one outcome?  As it is, I don't think you fit into that irritating category because you wouldnt be here otherwise.

 

I can understand why this must feel like a bit of a shock for you. As others have already said, if he's asexual and possibly aromantic, there's nothing stopping him from creating close friendships and other types of bond. He's also only 18, so he has a long time to build those bonds with others so I'd say just sit back and watch for now. It's ok to be worried - it means you care - but ultimately he's the one that knows how he feels so let him tell you more about it in his own time. It's great that he seems to be talking to you about it already.

 

I hope you'll hang around the forums some more, have a look at what people are saying in other areas and hopefully it'll give you a bit more insight. There are other forums and blogs out there that give different perspectives (I have heard of them but never visited). Maybe someone can provide some links?

 

Also, someone is bound to mention it at some point, but I would not call asexuality or aromanticism a lifestyle choice. People do not choose asexuality or aromanticism any more than a heterosexual chooses to be straight or a homosexual chooses to be gay. They are intrinsic parts of us. Well, technically, everybody chooses who they have sex with and whether they have sex at all, so that is a lifestyle choice. I could choose to bang the next person who looks vaguely interested. However, it can be a sensitive topic when that phrase is used to imply that a person chooses to be whatever-sexual or that choosing to follow those feelings is wrong or controversial. I might choose to follow my natural feelings but I don't choose what those feelings are. I don't think you meant it that way, so I'm just giving you a heads up for future posts.

[Mummykate]

Everyone has a choice I understand that, my life style choice is different to the next person, but I respect everyone's choices.  I definitely wouldn't undermine or diss them.

[anisotrophic]

1 hour ago, BettyH said:

Everyone has a choice I understand that, my life style choice is different to the next person, but I respect everyone's choices.  I definitely wouldn't undermine or diss them.

No, you don't understand...

 

I'm a parent with two children & expecting a third. My partner is asexual. We are married and he chooses to have sex with me, because I ask him to -- because he's someone capable of having sex without attraction, like prostitutes and porn stars.

 

But he's not attracted to me, he is not attracted to anyone, he can't experience that -- no more than I can "choose" to feel attracted to women. I could choose date a woman and have sex with her, but that won't make me attracted.

 

And I can't choose not to experience attraction to him and others. It just happens. I can only choose whether or not to act on it.

 

We're in our mid/late-30s, we've both had sex with others when younger, we're far from naive. And I think we'd both love if we could "choose" another orientation -- him to experience attraction, or me to not -- but neither of us can, because these are our sexual orientations. It's not a choice!

 

This isn't a cultural value, it's a brutal really. Various attempts to change orientations via therapy, or influence it during adolescence, have all pointed to an inability to do so: it's a very enduring, unchosen, non-malleable part of an individual. Adolescence is instead about figuring it out -- so yes, someone may go through different identities as they do that -- but the thing (orientation) they're trying to understand about themselves is not a choice.

 

 

[Twig55]

41 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

No, you don't understand...

 

I'm a parent with two children & expecting a third. My partner is asexual. We are married and he chooses to have sex with me, because I ask him to -- because he's someone capable of having sex without attraction, like prostitutes and porn stars.

 

But he's not attracted to me, he is not attracted to anyone, he can't experience that -- no more than I can "choose" to feel attracted to women. I could choose date a woman and have sex with her, but that won't make me attracted.

 

And I can't choose not to experience attraction to him and others. It just happens. I can only choose whether or not to act on it.

 

We're in our mid/late-30s, we've both had sex with others when younger, we're far from naive. And I think we'd both love if we could "choose" another orientation -- him to experience attraction, or me to not -- but neither of us can, because these are our sexual orientations. It's not a choice!

 

This isn't a cultural value, it's a brutal really. Various attempts to change orientations via therapy, or influence it during adolescence, have all pointed to an inability to do so: it's a very enduring, unchosen, non-malleable part of an individual. Adolescence is instead about figuring it out -- so yes, someone may go through different identities as they do that -- but the thing (orientation) they're trying to understand about themselves is not a choice.

 

 

That's a better way of putting it!  The bold bit is exactly what I was trying to explain.

 

The problem is thinking or implying that asexuality/aromanticism is a choice, which it absolutely isn't.

[starweb]

I married before I knew I was ACE. I have a good loving husband but always knew something was 'off' about me.  I couldn't have sex without distracting myself. I was never 'there'.  Three kids later, I realize that I wasn't sexually attracted to my husband.  I wasn't sexually attracted to anyone.  Meeting the right person and 'good' sex didn't change a thing. 

 

I'm one of the ones whose relationship worked out, but the thing is, looking back, had I not met my husband when I did and had things worked out where I had NO relationship whatsoever, I might have been ok with that. I never 'dreamed' about my wedding day as my friends did, didn't go to prom. I  thought and still, think the whole dating game/romance thing is nonsense. I had favorite actors and thought they were pretty, but I never had sex fantasies or wanted to 'do' anything with them, unless you count meeting them and having a nice conversation with them.  I fast forward and skim over bedroom scenes in movies/books.  I LIKE companionship, having someone there, but have no need for sex.  

 

The reason I'm going into all that is because so many people who are new to all this will use the same objections over and over.  'You haven't met the right person' or 'you haven't had 'good sex'.  I had all that and absolutely nothing changed. Its not a choice.