A Mum looking for advice... I'm clueless

[Mummykate]

Hello, I am mum to a 17 year old boy (18 in July) and for a long time he has said he is not interested in girls or boys.  

I've done the 'have you got a girlfriend?' line, followed by "boyfriend?" And each time he has said he's not interested.

 

Today whilst filling in a job application he said he was going to put he is 'Asexual'.  I've not heard him say that before and to be honest it just hit me - I know nothing about 'Asexuality'.

I'm open minded and I wouldn't care if he was gay, straight or bisexual.

 

Please don't think I am being ignorant or narrow minded .... I am just clueless.

I would hate to think of him on his own without a 'partner' during his life time.

 

Friendly advice, support would be very much appreciated.  

 

Any other mums out there?

 

[CajunAce]

It's okay- no one can know everything about every subject in the world. It's good that you are open minded. Just keep researching and talking to your son about it. This website is great for info and there's many Youtube videos about asexuality.

 

And he might still get a partner one day. Asexual people can be romanticallly attracted to someone, but not sexually attracted to them. Like, I would like to date and maybe marry a guy, just without the sex. And some Aces (nickname for asexuals) do not mind or even enjoy sex, they just don't have sexual attraction.

[hopeisnotlost]

3 minutes ago, CajunAce said:

And he might still get a partner one day. Asexual people can be romanticallly attracted to someone, but not sexually attracted to them. Like, I would like to date and maybe marry a guy, just without the sex. And some Aces (nickname for asexuals) do not mind or even enjoy sex, they just don't have sexual attraction.

I agree with this but i would like to add some aces are also find with just only having friends for support, and some but not all  might get into a QPR(A queer platonic relationship. link embedded) 

[Guest]

Hello! Welcome to AVEN! 🎂 

4 minutes ago, CajunAce said:

And he might still get a partner one day

I agree. He might also just stick to friends and having a close bond with them. I'm asexual and all I want in life are friends and roommate/flatmate. My "partner/s" will only be friends. 

[Mummykate]

Thank you very much for your quick reply.

He has simply said he is not interested in girls or boys.... But I suppose that is a start.

 

 

[NickyTannock]

@BettyH Welcome to AVEN!

 

You might find this helpful it's a short book about Asexuality that can be read for free online, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

[Guest]

Welcome to AVEN! 🍰

 

I think it it amazing you are so open-minded and even decided to join AVEN to learn more! 

Keep up the good work!

 

I hope it all goes well. 

 

 

[smallnsparky]

Welcome!

 

It probably feels weird and strange to think about now, but asexuality doesn't have to mean loneliness. Plenty of aces form friendships, relationships etc, as has been stated above. But I know, it's not easy, especially as you've no doubt had all sorts of thoughts and notions over the years. It's only natural you should. It took my parents a long, long time to accept when I'd say I never wanted to marry, or have kids. Now the family view point on me is that one day I'm going to have a cat sanctuary and a dozen other small, fuzzy animals.  Right now, he's saying he's not interested in either boys or girls - he might stay that way, or he might realise actually, there is someone he feels something for. So yeah, it is a start - just as is the fact you're there for him. That's so important for him to feel comfortable in understanding this too. 

 

This might sound random at first, but do you watch Emmerdale? One of the teen characters in that is ace, and while the fact hasn't been featured lately, I've read that it will become a plotpoint once again, where it's brought up and discussed. If you need a prompt, and you do watch it, it's something accessible. 

 

For the record though, I think you sound like a brill mum for putting yourself out here and wanting to learn so you can be as supportive as possible. You're absolutely in the right mindset.

[NickyTannock]

6 minutes ago, Vårin said:

You always have a cake at hand donntya  How is that even possible. Must be someone baking like a million cakes. 

I save cake picture addresses from long image searches, but that particular cake is one I post for new members if I can't figure out what specific cake they'd enjoy, so I can be seen posting that one most of all.

[Ortac]

I'm a man in my 30s and I have never been interested in boys or girls. I have never had a partner nor a relationship, I don't feel the need for one and I am perfectly happy being that way.  

 

I'm sure there are plenty of other guys that use this website who would say the same thing. 

 

2 hours ago, BettyH said:

Today whilst filling in a job application he said he was going to put he is 'Asexual'.

 

I'm sorry for going off on a bit of a tangent here, but this hit a bit of a nerve with me... Is it the normal thing these days that you get asked your sexual orientation on a job application!? I would be quite annoyed if I were asked that, and I would be tempted to respond "It's none of your damn business!". Why does a potential employer need to know that? Or am I out of touch and is that a perfectly normal and acceptable thing these days? 

[Lichley]

39 minutes ago, Vårin said:

You always have a cake at hand donntya  How is that even possible. Must be someone baking like a million cakes. 

Those of us who frequent the welcome lounge usually have a stash of cake picture urls on our devices. I have 59 cake picture urls currently saved on the device I’m using now. Plus several others on other devices. 

[Lichley]

1 minute ago, Vårin said:

So your like the welcome committee saying hallo to all the newbies. Nice.

Yeah I basically live there at this point  

[MrDane]

3 hours ago, BettyH said:

Hello, I am mum to a 17 year old boy (18 in July) and for a long time he has said he is not interested in girls or boys.  

I've done the 'have you got a girlfriend?' line, followed by "boyfriend?" And each time he has said he's not interested.

 

Today whilst filling in a job application he said he was going to put he is 'Asexual'.  I've not heard him say that before and to be honest it just hit me - I know nothing about 'Asexuality'.

I'm open minded and I wouldn't care if he was gay, straight or bisexual.

 

Please don't think I am being ignorant or narrow minded .... I am just clueless.

I would hate to think of him on his own without a 'partner' during his life time.

 

Friendly advice, support would be very much appreciated.  

 

Any other mums out there?

 

What kind of job would be seriously interested in his sexuality. I find that odd. 

 

By the way, my ace-wife is with sexual me, going on 20 years. We have kids, since it was a huge wish for both of us. We are very much partners. She is okay with some sex. 

 

Being honest is not about not being private. Rigth now, he has a need to express who he is, but hopefully he can eventually do so, as the situation is suitable. To me it feels like when a christian explains how they are behaving a certain way. Though it really has nothing to do with their system of belief. Like:

”as a christian, I would never hurt a child”

neither would anyone else who is not completely wacked.

[confuzzledbeans]

Hi, I've been on the other end of this. I'm 18 now, but as a kid, whenever I was asked if I had a boyfriend or girlfriend I would say no, I wasn't interested in romantic relationships at all. I found them to be kind of pointless and though sometimes I'd see a cute story featuring romance, my fave stories had no romance, and i was very vocal about how i didn't think it should be as commonplace in media. flash forward a few years, and I start to think I want to be in a relationship with my close friend, a girl. I realise around this point that I'm Asexual, and Homo-romantic (As in a Lesbian who wasn't interested in sex).  All of this took me a while to figure out and I did it very gradually. Also, things change. When I first came out I identified as bisexual, heck, I identified as female most of my life before realizing i was non- binary. Anyways, don't worry. You're son is fine and he'll figure it out. I appreciate you trying to learn more about Ace people and accepting your sons identity so fully, its incredible! He may want a partner, or he may not need one at all- some people just don't, and still lead fufilled, happy lives (Happier than if they had to pretend to be in love with someone that they weren't in love with.)  Just listen to him, spark an open dialogue if you want to ask him questions specifically. I wish you and your son all the best  

[confuzzledbeans]

2 minutes ago, OptimisticPessimist said:

It's on a lot of application forms, including job applications. If it's acceptable is probably a different topic of it's own. 

Having applied to many jobs and Uni's in the UK recently, Sexual Orientation can be asked but you are under no obligation to actually disclose it. I believe its more for statistics than anything else, and can be ignored.

[Mummykate]

It asked and he put 'prefer not to disclose'.

 

Anyway, thank you so much for the kind words and support.  It's lovely being welcomed.

 

[ryn2]

13 hours ago, MrDane said:

What kind of job would be seriously interested in his sexuality.

I thought that was odd too.  Maybe he stretched the truth a little in order to bring the topic up to his mother?  Or maybe the hiring process is just different where I live... companies here in the US cannot ask that question as sexual orientation is a protected class.

 

(oops, I didn’t read all the answers before responding; sounds like it is indeed geography-related)

[anisotrophic]

3 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I thought that was odd too.  Maybe he stretched the truth a little in order to bring the topic up to his mother?  Or maybe the hiring process is just different where I live... companies here in the US cannot ask that question as sexual orientation is a protected class.

 

(oops, I didn’t read all the answers before responding; sounds like it is indeed geography-related)

Yeah, in the US asking about any information that could be used to perform illegal discrimination is a legal liability. They have to prove "no intent to discriminate" eg some plausible reason to need the info, otherwise why ask?? Pregnancy is another big one for example (one where there's a huge incentive for the employer to discriminate since it's so costly to provide parental leave & cover an absence in staff). It's wild to me that companies in other countries aren't making themselves vulnerable to discrimination lawsuits with such questions (assuming it's still considered illegal discrimination there).

[iff]

I recall it once when applying for jobs lin 2014/2015 and it had been as part of other questions - disability etc.

 

I think it is part of saying x% of applicants  have a disability, x% of applicant are lesbians, etc. I would hope that the replies on that are not accessible to those assessing applications

[AspieAlly613]

On 11/16/2018 at 1:54 PM, BettyH said:

I would hate to think of him on his own without a 'partner' during his life time.

He may be aromantic (he may not even know that at the moment.)  If so, there's nothing you can do about it.

[Mummykate]

I remember a conversation a while back about 'porn' and he said that's he's not interested in sex or anything like that.

So I suppose that was another 'flag'.

[gisiebob]

do you have any concerns you would like input on?

 

weare relatively lucky in some ways in that we are assumed hertosexual generally and so can live fairly invisibly. but there is then the drawback that it is hard for us to find and identify with each other and can feel pretty isolated.

 

if you want to continue to talk to him about relationships, definitely allow him to lead the conversation, as there are many different thoughts toward partners for ace individuals.

 

if you are having trouble understanding why someone would not share whatever passion you might have for sexuality, or feel like he is missing out, consider the following:

a clownfish will never be able to enjoy fireworks. the power of lighting them, the beauty of their display, the science of their construction.

but you and I, we will  never know what it is like to hide and live in the forest of an anemones' arms.

a different experience is not a lost experience.

 

 

[thylacine]

On 11/16/2018 at 1:54 PM, BettyH said:

Today whilst filling in a job application he said he was going to put he is 'Asexual'.  I've not heard him say that before and to be honest it just hit me - I know nothing about 'Asexuality'.

Just wondering... it's rather unusual that a job application would ask for orientation...?  I'd be concerned about discrimination.

[Telecaster68]

It's pretty common to have a separate form which asks for demographics, which (in theory at least and generally in practice) the interviewers don't see. HR uses it for monitoring the type of people responding to job ads.

[Nidwin]

On 11/16/2018 at 7:54 PM, BettyH said:

I've done the 'have you got a girlfriend?' line, followed by "boyfriend?" And each time he has said he's not interested.

 

I was in my end twenties when I told my mother if she ever ask me that crap (was by phone) again I would cut all ties, instantly and forever with the entire family. And I wasn't joking as this was one of the most annoying crap that I had to endure since my childhood.

 

My advice to you BettyH is to let this kind of stuff go and may be inform others (family mostly) to let it go too.

[Telecaster68]

1 hour ago, Nidwin said:

I was in my end twenties when I told my mother if she ever ask me that crap (was by phone) again I would cut all ties, instantly and forever with the entire family. And I wasn't joking as this was one of the most annoying crap that I had to endure since my childhood.

That seems rather extreme. Had you fired warning shots beforehand?

[ryn2]

5 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's pretty common to have a separate form which asks for demographics, which (in theory at least and generally in practice) the interviewers don't see. HR uses it for monitoring the type of people responding to job ads.

It’s so-so-so illegal in the US so it’s just odd to think it isn’t elsewhere.  We don’t normally stand out as the country with the more protective employment laws!

[Telecaster68]

2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

It’s so-so-so illegal in the US so it’s just odd to think it isn’t elsewhere.  We don’t normally stand out as the country with the more protective employment laws!

It would be illegal if you could trace it to a particular candidate. The forms are set up so they're not identifiable.

[Nidwin]

8 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

That seems rather extreme. Had you fired warning shots beforehand?

When I've answered the same question the same way hundreds of times while it's actually none's business except mine I think I'll bypass warning shots.

[ryn2]

13 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It would be illegal if you could trace it to a particular candidate. The forms are set up so they're not identifiable.

Ah, gotcha!