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[EVEROPETH]

Hi, new on here and have loved the advice ive read. Ive been with my husband for almost 5 years, we have a children. Im sexual and had felt less than until i met him. We have WONDERFUL sex and i love to touch, cuddle with him, first time in my life im actually attracted to a man and still want him. You see, Sex has all but stopped,and its been months and the last time turned my tummy because he just acted annoyed. How can i bring up that i need sex with HIM. He gets pissed if i say anything or bother him for affection.  Im tired of this,  i really want to be WANTED.  What are some ways to approach this with him?

[Telecaster68]

If he's asexual - you're not going to be wanted, sexually. Sex isn't part of a romantic relationship for him. That's not say he won't have sex anyway, as a loving act because you like it, but he's not going to lust after you. Ever.

 

But it's an 'if' - you don't know if he's asexual or it's something statistically more likely, to do with stress or a medical condition. Since he's pissed at you asking, consider how you frame it: make it about the pair of you solving a relationship problem, not fixing him, and if he won't have a conversation, try giving him a letter/email explaining how sex is an important part of a relationship for you, not just a physical act, and suggesting having a conversation about what it means to him. This will at least open up a dialogue.

 

Nobody owes each other sex, of course, but people in a relationship do owe each other communication; if he's not willing to engage like that, it's a separate (and possibly even more serious) issue that needs tackling in its own right.

[NickyTannock]

@EVEROPETH Welcome to AVEN!

 

I don't think I can give better advice than @Telecaster68 has.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

[ryn2]

Agreed with Tele... the first question is really “what’s going on,” because there could be all kinds of reasons your partner seems less interested in/upset about having sex and until you know what those reasons are you can’t possibly begin to address them.

 

Also agreed that it’s sometimes difficult to get to that knowledge without seeming confrontational, especially if your partner isn’t interested in or comfortable discussing things.  A neutral third party, either a professional (ideally) or someone you both trust, might be helpful.

[anamikanon]

2 hours ago, EVEROPETH said:

Sex has all but stopped,and its been months and the last time turned my tummy because he just acted annoyed.

This does not necessarily mean asexual. Being asexual, not wanting sex with someone and being abrupt and unkind about it are different things.

 

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How can i bring up that i need sex with HIM.

By bringing it up in whatever way you feel able. If talking works, great. If it doesn't, write him a letter or email. If absolutely nothing works, get a lawyer.

 

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He gets pissed if i say anything or bother him for affection.

This is cruelty more than asexuality. It sounds like a severe power imbalance in your marriage that is likely to turn abusive - if it isn't at least mentally abusive already. Even the words you use right here "bother him for affection" - indicate that you don't have the basic right to expect affection from a partner and it is an imposition on him. It sounds like you are tentative and have no real say in how he behaves with you. Personally, I think you need professional mediation and if he doesn't seem cooperative, you may need to consider that you should leave him.

 

In the meanwhile, flat out insisting on dignity may help. If he is pissed with you, ask him to go somewhere and return when he is able to talk calmly like an adult. If he doesn't, YOU go somewhere and end the conversation. Take charge of how you are treated at the very least. Or having any conversations important to you that he wants to avoid will be an uphill task. The more he succeeds in shutting you up with anger, the more he will use it as a handy method. Stop that pattern on sight.

 

Sadly, this doesn't sound like he likes you very much. Not sure how you could get affection/sex from him.

 

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  Im tired of this,  i really want to be WANTED.  What are some ways to approach this with him?

Talk, email, phone, chat..... ways to approach this.

 

Dump him and find someone who values you - ways to be wanted.