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Sort of confused about where I am on the spectrum?


mitsu

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So I've talked around on other discussions on here for the past week, but now I sort of feel like I want to see if other people have similar feelings? I've recently decided that I'm grey ace(maybe leaning towards demi) but I'm not really sure.

 

sex related talk below:

 

I have a libido and masturbate regularly and enjoy doing so. When I do it, I don't usually picture anyone from my life or if I'm in a relationship, I never thought of my SO to get aroused. Usually I would read smut of fictional characters/pairings. I never think of real people basically, although I can appreciate people's appearances non-sexually.

 

When I masturbate, sex seems like a fun and intimate concept in my head. However, in reality, my feelings towards partnered sex are very complicated.   I never really liked anything being done to me beyond making out and some sensual touching, I more often than not get uncomfortable when I can feel that a cuddle or a kiss with a partner is turning sexual for them/getting them aroused because I know it will lead to them wanting sex. When dating someone, sex has never really crossed my mind or been something I initiate, I would usually just go with the flow if a partner wanted it because I used to think that was what I was supposed to do, that sex was what people had to do to be a normal couple. Penetrative and oral sex for me feels invasive and like a chore I want to finish up quickly. Its not that I find any aspect of sex disgusting, I just don't get into it beyond foreplay, which has caused plenty of awkwardness/misunderstandings with partners when I am obviously not feeling the same emotional connection with them during the act as they are. However, I kind of like giving oral sex/using my hands for a partner sometimes if they want it and I love them very much. More so because I like knowing its making them feel good and my pleasure isn't being focused on if that makes sense? But In the end, I'd be content not doing anything sexual with anyone at all and leave controlling my libido to touching myself alone at home honestly.

 

Would these sort of feelings make me grey ace-demi? Or am I somewhere else on the spectrum?? Figuring out sexuality is confusing as heck😞

 

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hopeisnotlost

it sounds like you would be asexual or grey ace...Figuring out sexuality is confusing and takes a lot of time....really you don't need to label yourself unless you want to.I hope you figure it out and I wish you luck. 

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It seems like you could be asexual. It's common for asexuals to masturbate without thinking of real people. And asexuals can have sex to make a partner happy. If you like the idea of sex in theory but never actually want to have sex with another person in reality, you could be asexual.

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You sound quite a bit like me, and until I come up with something better, I generally label myself as autochorissexual. I sort of like the concept of sex, I like the abstract idea and I like getting other people excited, but I don't want anything "done" to me. I don't feel like a sexual creature at all. When I fantasize, I imagine other people doing things in a sort of removed, voyeuristic fashion, without me being personally involved. 

 

 

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29 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

You sound quite a bit like me, and until I come up with something better, I generally label myself as autochorissexual. I sort of like the concept of sex, I like the abstract idea and I like getting other people excited, but I don't want anything "done" to me. I don't feel like a sexual creature at all. When I fantasize, I imagine other people doing things in a sort of removed, voyeuristic fashion, without me being personally involved. 

 

 

@Grimalkin Thanks so much for the link! I have read up on autochorissexualism before and I have found that it sort of fits me, especially with the sexual focus being on fictional people and concepts. Some of my fantasies tend to be rather kinky too, I think I am a bit of a masochist? ^_^::: But again, this is only for personal pleasure on my own, it never correlates with other people in my life or relationships. I think I can definitely relate to what you said about the voyeuristic perspective too? I don't often picture myself within my fantasies.

 

And I wouldn't say I don't get "excited" a bit myself, I do like being touched anywhere else and passionately kissed, just when it comes to my genitals I just feel "NOPE" if someone else touches them or wants to move on to actual sex yeah.

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36 minutes ago, hopeisnotlost said:

it sounds like you would be asexual or grey ace...Figuring out sexuality is confusing and takes a lot of time....really you don't need to label yourself unless you want to.I hope you figure it out and I wish you luck. 

@hopeisnotlost Thank you so much ^_^ I honestly am not really too fond of labels, its just that having at least some sort of idea where I stand makes me feel at peace, especially since I am in a budding relationship right now with someone who is sensual ace/sex repulsed. Being sure of myself makes me feel more confident about this aspect of our relationship if it ends up getting more serious.

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hopeisnotlost
2 minutes ago, mitsu said:

@hopeisnotlost Thank you so much ^_^ I honestly am not really too fond of labels, its just that having at least some sort of idea where I stand makes me feel at peace, especially since I am in a budding relationship right now with someone who is sensual ace/sex repulsed. Being sure of myself makes me feel more confident about this aspect of our relationship if it ends up getting more serious.

You are welcome.I understand the feeling more at peace thing.Hope your relationship goes well.

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1 hour ago, mitsu said:

So I've talked around on other discussions on here for the past week, but now I sort of feel like I want to see if other people have similar feelings? I've recently decided that I'm grey ace(maybe leaning towards demi) but I'm not really sure.

 

sex related talk below:

 

I have a libido and masturbate regularly and enjoy doing so. When I do it, I don't usually picture anyone from my life or if I'm in a relationship, I never thought of my SO to get aroused. Usually I would read smut of fictional characters/pairings. I never think of real people basically, although I can appreciate people's appearances non-sexually.

 

When I masturbate, sex seems like a fun and intimate concept in my head. However, in reality, my feelings towards partnered sex are very complicated.   I never really liked anything being done to me beyond making out and some sensual touching, I more often than not get uncomfortable when I can feel that a cuddle or a kiss with a partner is turning sexual for them/getting them aroused because I know it will lead to them wanting sex. When dating someone, sex has never really crossed my mind or been something I initiate, I would usually just go with the flow if a partner wanted it because I used to think that was what I was supposed to do, that sex was what people had to do to be a normal couple. Penetrative and oral sex for me feels invasive and like a chore I want to finish up quickly. Its not that I find any aspect of sex disgusting, I just don't get into it beyond foreplay, which has caused plenty of awkwardness/misunderstandings with partners when I am obviously not feeling the same emotional connection with them during the act as they are. However, I kind of like giving oral sex/using my hands for a partner sometimes if they want it and I love them very much. More so because I like knowing its making them feel good and my pleasure isn't being focused on if that makes sense? But In the end, I'd be content not doing anything sexual with anyone at all and leave controlling my libido to touching myself alone at home honestly.

 

Would these sort of feelings make me grey ace-demi? Or am I somewhere else on the spectrum?? Figuring out sexuality is confusing as heck😞

 

I totally get you on the part that in my head sex seems fun in reality is more like meh. i also relate to the part of reading smut on fictional characters, i remember my "sexual awakening" was with damien (tuxedo mask) and helios from sailor moon. I also relate to the part of partner misunderstanding when i didnt want sex and just wanted to cuddle. im also trying to figure out if im gray/demi.

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32 minutes ago, pgzc08 said:

I totally get you on the part that in my head sex seems fun in reality is more like meh. i also relate to the part of reading smut on fictional characters, i remember my "sexual awakening" was with damien (tuxedo mask) and helios from sailor moon. I also relate to the part of partner misunderstanding when i didnt want sex and just wanted to cuddle. im also trying to figure out if im gray/demi.

Oh man yeah I had a crush on tuxedo mask and helios too when I was younger lmao. A few years ago I tried to suppress liking fictional characters because I felt embarrassed and childish about it at my age(I'm 22), but lately I'm kind of just like "whatever it's not hurting anyone and its not like i'll tell anyone IRL about it." like i currently have a thing for white haired anime guys and utena from shoujo kakumei. 

 

And yeah it was really frustrating when ex partners who were more sexual than me would interpret me leaning into them or hugging them as wanting to take it further. Like I'm a very affectionate person and touch starved at the same time, so I get very cuddly with partners if I like them a lot. Its not easy trying to figure it out for sure, but I think though after talking with everyone though that if real/full sex is very boring and unappealing to you, but you have these other sexual interests, I think grey ace is perfectly acceptable as a term for being inbetween ace and allo.

 

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