Parental support

[SWalker9101]

I am here looking for support and advice for my almost 14 year old son. A few weeks ago he threw out that he was asexual. I’ll be honest I wasn’t aware of what that meant but I looked into it and it really fit my son. So we discussed it and I asked if he felt comfortable talking to me and I let him know if he wanted to talk to a therapist or something that was fine too. Going through puberty is hard enough but feeling something different than the majority of your peers just adds to the stress. So tonight he announced he’s gay and has a boyfriend which totally threw me for a loop. So we talked about it. I wanted to understand what had changed in two weeks. He said a boy asked him to be his boyfriend so he said yes. I asked if he was attracted to him or had sexual/romantic feelings towards him and he said he didn’t know. I asked him if a girl would of asked him would he of said yes to her and he said he would of. I also asked him to define what being his boyfriend meant and he said he didn’t know that they just hang out in a group after school and talk. He doesn’t have his phone number and they don’t correspond outside of school.  I Think this is a very confusing time for him and I just don’t want to see him get hurt or for him to hurt the other boy.  I told him he might want to explain his feelings to his friend so he understands. He said he didn’t want to tell him how he felt and now he’s worried because half the school thinks he’s gay now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

[Guest]

Daaaang. I'm not a parent so take this as you will but it sounds like he's just trying to figure out what he is and what he feels, as we all did at his age. I also think some of that might pass as he continues to figure it out himself. Support would be great for him. I think that's all you can do because, I think, this is something only he can figure out but it's better if he doesn't have to do it alone. I wish you and him the best! 

[anisotrophic]

aaaah can I stop my kids from growing up? "dating" at 13?? what does "dating" mean at that age??? Sorry. I'm not helping.

It sounds like he's stressed about what others think, and maybe you can help talk him through those fears. It sounds like this might have less to do with his sexuality and more about how he's worried about what others want/think, and how that's guiding decisions – like he felt he should say "yes" when someone asks him to "date".

Perhaps he's asexual too. My partner didn't have asexuality as an "option" when he grew up, and so he actually did something similar – he went along with people of both genders when they asked... so it happens. And I think it's not "wrong". But my partner was older when he was doing that. 13 is so young. 😕

[Duke Memphis]

It's great that you're supporting your son. Being a teenager is really trying, especially if you're different. Everyone needs time to figure themselves out, and your words suggest that he's doing it well. I think that maybe he likes boys romantically but hasn't yet figured out that he can like them just romantically. A supportive parent is what every kid needs, and it's great that you're being supportive of yours.

[mitsu]

I agree with RiddleMeThisTom, I think that your son is just going through a period where he's figuring himself out and its unfortunate but unsurprising that school is a bit of a hostile environment for this in terms of homophobic attitudes. He might be biromantic? he might be asexual? Its hard to say without knowing enough about his feelings. For now, yes he might face some difficulties, but Its important to give him space and let these experiences play out since they'll help him grow as a person and help him understand himself better since he's still confused/questioning. At the same time, I think its wonderful that you're supportive and concerned for your son while he goes through this. I would continue to keep paying attention to how everything is going over the next couple of months to make sure he's doing fine but don't interfere with it all too much. 

[anamikanon]

He's 14. Puberty is a time of considerable confusion. Children are exposed to sexual information way earlier than we used to be (I'm 40). This is a good thing in the sense of being informed, but also perhaps an unnecessarily confusing thing when it comes to trying to nail down how we feel to a label - there is a whole lot of labels out there too.

 

I would suggest not doing anything and simply listening to him. At this point, it is more like he's talking things out rather than setting anything in concrete. Not very surprising, since sexuality is a very complex thing and it will be a while even for him to know the possibilities out there and rule ones that aren't a good fit for him and explore those that are. It doesn't have to happen immediately. Treasure the trust he places in you by sharing this intimate journey. Clearly he feels safe and enriched by your presence in his life. I wouldn't dream of telling my prudish and intrusive mother anything remotely related to my sexuality. In my view, that is the biggest takeaway here and something to not screw up by forcing his process.

 

At this time, all he is saying that he can identify with some descriptors of asexuality. He is interested in a relationship with a boy. And so on. What it actually means is anyone's guess. He could be asexual. He could be demisexual and never really be interested in anyone till he got closer to them. He could be hypersexual, just a late bloomer. He could be into men, or he could give it a shot and go "eeek NO!!!". He's just experimenting. The more space you can give him to do that without worrying about saying one thing now and another later, the more supportive you will be. Yep, this means mostly doing nothing unless asked for an opinion, but that is actually HUGE.

[SWalker9101]

Thank you everyone for your response. It makes my heart ache that I can’t do more for him. I know he is struggling to figure things out. Because in May of last year he was seemed so smitten when he  ask a girl to go to the school dance. Then a few weeks ago he seemed so no emotional when he said he was asexual and then last night he seemed happy to tell me he’s gay. He’s had many issues fitting in his whole like and doesn’t have a single close friend. He’s very smart and has a personality like Sheldon from Big Bang and has never really found his people that understand him. I’ve been very proud of him these last two years because he’s really started to participate in things and trying to be more social instead of never wanting to interact with people. I wish I could do more than be here for him because this momma bear in me just wants wrap him in a bubble and protect from all this pressure and confusion. I love him so much and have always worried about him since he has always struggled to belong. 

[SWalker9101]

14 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

He's 14. Puberty is a time of considerable confusion. Children are exposed to sexual information way earlier than we used to be (I'm 40). This is a good thing in the sense of being informed, but also perhaps an unnecessarily confusing thing when it comes to trying to nail down how we feel to a label - there is a whole lot of labels out there too.

 

I would suggest not doing anything and simply listening to him. At this point, it is more like he's talking things out rather than setting anything in concrete. Not very surprising, since sexuality is a very complex thing and it will be a while even for him to know the possibilities out there and rule ones that aren't a good fit for him and explore those that are. It doesn't have to happen immediately. Treasure the trust he places in you by sharing this intimate journey. Clearly he feels safe and enriched by your presence in his life. I wouldn't dream of telling my prudish and intrusive mother anything remotely related to my sexuality. In my view, that is the biggest takeaway here and something to not screw up by forcing his process.

 

At this time, all he is saying that he can identify with some descriptors of asexuality. He is interested in a relationship with a boy. And so on. What it actually means is anyone's guess. He could be asexual. He could be demisexual and never really be interested in anyone till he got closer to them. He could be hypersexual, just a late bloomer. He could be into men, or he could give it a shot and go "eeek NO!!!". He's just experimenting. The more space you can give him to do that without worrying about saying one thing now and another later, the more supportive you will be. Yep, this means mostly doing nothing unless asked for an opinion, but that is actually HUGE.

Thank you! It’s all overwhelming to me all the types and identifiers I can’t imagine how overwhelming it most be to him and going through puberty. I am being very neutral in my conversations and telling him to take his time and listen to his heart and trust his feelings and to be honest with the people he’s with about them. I do worry because he does get very overwhelmed and anxious when it comes to emotions. So I will not add to the pressure and just keep reminding him I’m here. 

[SWalker9101]

Are there any groups, forum, website that are suggested that I can let him know about that he can get information or so he has a place to talk to people when he has questions or is struggling with his feelings?

[anamikanon]

1 hour ago, SWalker9101 said:

I love him so much and have always worried about him since he has always struggled to belong. 

Lots of very superb people are loners and some even thrive that way. He seems rather well adjusted if he can have an ongoing and rather diverse conversation regarding his sexuality with you at his age. And he clearly has you to speak with at the very least and at least two attempts at dating that we know of. It doesn't sound a lot like struggling to belong. Sounds like a healthy child. Emotional upheaval is a signature state of teenage. 

 

Also, a thought comes to me that his "answer" may be more complex than asexuality if he's trying to date a girl, then a guy and also calling himself asexual within the span of a year or two AND at a young age. At various times, of course. My limited point being it is quite rare for asexuals to invest a lot of energy trying to figure out their sexuality - from my observations here. They seem more the type to be rolling eyes at their peers chasing relationships and not getting what the fuss is all about.

 

That said, people can seek relationships for emotional reasons. Though 14 seems awfully young to seek exclusive relationships for emotional reasons.

 

I don't know if him being known as gay in school is a cause for worry for him. You mentioned it so it may have some significance. It could be supportive to be explicitly accepting of homosexuality in general. As could conversational humor/anecdotes that are accepting of a/sexuality or the confusion about it. "I knew someone who had serial boyfriends. She married her longterm roommate last year. She wishes she figured out she was a lesbian a decade ago." Etc. Like you'd talk about heterosexual relationships. People. Normal. Whatever. You may also want to be passively attentive for if he is facing abusive behavior over it, in case you need to intervene with the school.

[anamikanon]

7 hours ago, anisotropic said:

aaaah can I stop my kids from growing up? "dating" at 13?? what does "dating" mean at that age???

Hah. I stopped flipping out about that when my friend's 5 year old declared that she's marrying some boy in their locality when she grows up if he stops picking fights and getting clothes dirty (or some such conditions). Otherwise he will never be more than her best friend.

 

Shock therapy introduction to the new generations. lol.

[ryn2]

3 hours ago, anamikanon said:

Puberty is a time of considerable confusion. Children are exposed to sexual information way earlier than we used to be (I'm 40). This is a good thing in the sense of being informed, but also perhaps an unnecessarily confusing thing when it comes to trying to nail down how we feel to a label - there is a whole lot of labels out there too.

I was thinking this as well.  The good side - more options.  The bad side - more options.  The best thing you can do is be sure he realizes he can talk to you and be loved and accepted by you no matter where he ultimately lands.

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, SWalker9101 said:

Are there any groups, forum, website that are suggested that I can let him know about that he can get information or so he has a place to talk to people when he has questions or is struggling with his feelings?

There are teen forums on AVEN if he wants to compare notes with other young aces and teens questioning their sexual and romantic orientation.

[SWalker9101]

3 hours ago, anamikanon said:

Lots of very superb people are loners and some even thrive that way. He seems rather well adjusted if he can have an ongoing and rather diverse conversation regarding his sexuality with you at his age. And he clearly has you to speak with at the very least and at least two attempts at dating that we know of. It doesn't sound a lot like struggling to belong. Sounds like a healthy child. Emotional upheaval is a signature state of teenage. 

 

Also, a thought comes to me that his "answer" may be more complex than asexuality if he's trying to date a girl, then a guy and also calling himself asexual within the span of a year or two AND at a young age. At various times, of course. My limited point being it is quite rare for asexuals to invest a lot of energy trying to figure out their sexuality - from my observations here. They seem more the type to be rolling eyes at their peers chasing relationships and not getting what the fuss is all about.

 

That said, people can seek relationships for emotional reasons. Though 14 seems awfully young to seek exclusive relationships for emotional reasons.

 

I don't know if him being known as gay in school is a cause for worry for him. You mentioned it so it may have some significance. It could be supportive to be explicitly accepting of homosexuality in general. As could conversational humor/anecdotes that are accepting of a/sexuality or the confusion about it. "I knew someone who had serial boyfriends. She married her longterm roommate last year. She wishes she figured out she was a lesbian a decade ago." Etc. Like you'd talk about heterosexual relationships. People. Normal. Whatever. You may also want to be passively attentive for if he is facing abusive behavior over it, in case you need to intervene with the school.

Thank you!