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Asexual partner doesn't like to kiss and it kind of hurts


itme

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Hello,

I'm new here. Not asexual myself, but I am dating someone who is. We really like each other and have been seeing each other for almost a month. I recently found out that they don't like to kiss at all and I can't help but feel kind of hurt about it. I am an affectionate person who craves hugging, cuddling and the occasional kiss every now and then. I'm okay without making out or anything, but it would be nice to just peck once in a while. I don't know how to tell them how I feel about this. I really really like them and want to continue seeing them. This is my first relationship with someone who's asexual and I really want to understand this. Not being sexually intimate is something that I can handle, but the idea of not kissing ever kind of saddens me. To all the asexuals or non-asexuals who had a similar situation, what do I do?

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Welcome to AVEN!

 

I've never had or desired a relationship, so I haven't had a similar situation, but I think you should be honest with her about how you feel.

 

Non-sexual intimacy is considered Sensual, meaning some Asexuals will be okay with it and some won't.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

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RedSpiderLily

I suggest talking with them as communication is the foundation of any strong relationship. Additionally, I want to say that a relationship may have less chance of lasting if things are in favour of one person; compromises must be made so somehow you need to find a place in your relationship where you can both get some of the things that you want. This could result in a kiss every now and then which would be better than nothing. I can understand not liking something however, making your partner happy is also important so sometimes you have to put yourself second. Talk to them as this is the only way to make yourself heard. If you keep things to yourself you may come to resent them one day.

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Communication. Talking about wants and needs is very important to understand eachother. Hell my partner and i have a mini arugment on what intimacy means to both of us and now he understands more what intimacy is to me and what his is and how they dont match. It could be the same in a sense, once its talked about maybe there is a compromise there on something that you both can do that makes both happy :)

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You need to have a conversation about what you each want and don't want, and will do and will not do.  Being together for a month is not a long time, but the longer you continue seeing each other without having that important conversation, the harder it will be to determine if you can be a comfortable couple.   The best way to find out how they feel about kissing is to ask them; the best way for them to find out how you feel is to tell them.   

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Update: I talked to my partner about it and they said they really don't know. I asked if it was a possibility in the future and they said they really don't know about that either.

 

I appreciate and thank everyone on this forum for being nice enough to respond and gave advice.

 

It's definitely a let down, so now I'm back to where I started. I don't know what to do about this. I don't want to break it off because of this one little thing. At the same time showing physical affection is important for me. 

 

Let me know what you all think if you want. Once again, thank you everyone for your help.

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Whether you continue this (fairly new) relationship would probably depend on whether you think physical affection is a "one little thing."  If as you say it's important to you, it isn't a little thing.  

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PuckTheMagicDragon

Honestly, I can empathize with your significant other to an extent. I myself am entirely uncomfortable with the idea of kissing. My significant other instigated a kiss once, and when I explained a few days afterward that kissing was gross (I am not the most socially adept person), she was completely understanding. Or at least, she said that she was. We have a very physical relationship despite my asexuality, regularly cuddling, stroking/braiding hair, etc. Have you spoken about sensual or even traditionally considered to be platonic contact? I am a very physical person myself, and would be devastated if my significant other refused physical contact. Have you specified exactly what or what you would not consider kissing? Forehead and shoulder pecks, for example. If your significant other is anything like me, if they say that kissing on the mouth is off of the table, the it is off the table. Just, gross. Eww. 

 

In essense, I would suggest that you have an in depth discussion with your significant other over what both of your preferences are, what compromises could be made, and what forms of intimacy they are comfortable with that may not be sexual. Sensual contact or even platonic with romantic overtures may be fine to an extent.

 

i admire your willingness to compromise and search out information in order to make your partner more comfortable. Your feelings are completely valid, just don’t loose hope.

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Anime Pancake

Hello!

 

Im asexual and there are some things I just want and expect from certain relationships.

 

I wouldnt be in a romantic relationship with that doesnt want hugs kisses or affection.

 

Kissing is a basic form of romance myself so thats why I would I consider it an expectation. If a person doesnt want me to kiss them on the lips or cheek I would not consider a relationship with them unless its platonic.

 

You should talk about what you want in a relationship and expect and what they want. If ot the same it may not work

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im asexual if my partner kisses me I respond but I don't crave it =( wish I could 

kiss her him im sure it feels good for the asexual still my ex was sexual and used to kiss me and even if I didn't crave it would still make out with him a bit,

but it didn't last too long we couldn't have sex. I was devastated, however there are success stories, I think u guys need to have sex or it will never work.

I was once in love with a guy and couldn't do nothing cause we can't have sex, it's kinda sad. but maybe they could have sex if they somehow become attracted

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 11/14/2018 at 2:25 PM, itme said:

Hello,

I'm new here. Not asexual myself, but I am dating someone who is. We really like each other and have been seeing each other for almost a month. I recently found out that they don't like to kiss at all and I can't help but feel kind of hurt about it. I am an affectionate person who craves hugging, cuddling and the occasional kiss every now and then. I'm okay without making out or anything, but it would be nice to just peck once in a while. I don't know how to tell them how I feel about this. I really really like them and want to continue seeing them. This is my first relationship with someone who's asexual and I really want to understand this. Not being sexually intimate is something that I can handle, but the idea of not kissing ever kind of saddens me. To all the asexuals or non-asexuals who had a similar situation, what do I do?

This sounds like an exact situation I've experienced recently, but I'm coming from the ace perspective. and I don't know what to do either 😅

Do you feel like you've made any progress with your situation? 

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A compromise or to meet in the middle migth not always work. Best to try to find good solutions. Why does  OP want to kiss? Is it about tongues touching or about the intimate moment? 

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