Luni Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 So while I procrastinate I’m just going to get these thoughts off my chest. Society is wayyy too focused on relationships. For example, in my health class during sex-ed(awkward, I know), our male teacher was reinforcing the idea that abstinence is the best choice by saying that a guy would rather date and have sex with a virgin girl than someone who had slept with multiple people. First of all, sexist much? That’s a different rant, though. Why are we constantly told to make ourselves appealing to others so we can find a partner? Why can’t we just be happy on our own? Yes, relationships can be amazing, but you don’t need one to be happy like society always seems to tell us. If you do, then I think you need to sort yourself out first. That’s just my opinion, though, and I’m probably too young and inexperienced to be saying this. So many people are worried about never finding someone because society has drilled that idea into our brains. So what if I never find anyone. Does that make my potential for happiness any less than someone who is with someone? Ok, end of rant. I’m better now. It probably made no sense, but whatever. It’s not like very many people will read it anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
AmorphousBlob Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Mm yea I agree. Tbh I don't really see it as a really big deal til peeps start valuing relationships over friendships. THAT I got a major bone to pick with. I will be perfectly happy living with eternal roommates, thank-you-very-much. Seriously tho, people seem to feel genuinely bad for me when I say I've never kissed or dated anyone. It's annoying. Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 . Link to post Share on other sites
Strifed Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 I totally agree with this. A relationship doesn't = happiness. Don't get me wrong, someone in an amazing, healthy relationship can be happy, but a relationship isn't the recipe to happiness like people treat it. It doesn't bother me these days, but it used to annoy me how people would keep asking why I wasn't in a relationship or treat me like something was "wrong" with me for not being in one. Some people are totally happy with just having friends or being alone, and that's OK! Link to post Share on other sites
Member131995 Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 When I talk about my future my mom gets upset, even defensive when I don't mention a partner. I'm like, mum, if I meet someone, I do, if I don't, I don't, what's wrong with that? Apparently everything. I just feel sad that society seems to think happiness is tied having a relationship. Because it's not and I think everyone's purpose in life is only what they want that purpose to be, not what society thinks it should be. Link to post Share on other sites
Hannah Rae Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 Same. I enjoy my personal time by myself, and dating has only ever encroached on that time and made me uncomfortable. If I find someone who's presence encroaching into my space and time doesn't actually bother me, then, aye, I've got a partner, and that's great. If I don't, then that's also great. I'm not going to date and allow someone to take up my time just to appease somebody else. Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 Same. I wish people were more open minded when it came to those who choose to not have a partner or choose to not have sex. I've always had the mindset of "if it happens it happens." For me it just hasn't and I'm fine with that. Link to post Share on other sites
tiredclassicist Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 I completely agree!! Why is being single so shameful? Why is something that is looked down upon, especially once you reach a certain age? Even if you're in a relationship, our society is so 'hyper-sexualized' that it creates false ideas for how a relationship should go and it's extremely toxic. There's such a stigma around being single, especially as a woman, but then there's also weird expectations for when she does get into a relationship. But, to your point, why can't it be okay to just exist as a single person? A lot of people, myself included, find peace in solitude. Everyone constantly tells me that I'm too young to decide that I don't want to be married, for example. That I will find a man and settle down, like every person is supposed to. I'm so sick of this cult of domesticity and 'heteronormity' that we force our children into. If you want those things, fantastic. But if you don't? Also great. I don't understand why you're considered broken or crazy if you don't want a relationship. Speaking for myself, I think at most I could tolerate platonic companionship, which is technically, I guess, a 'relationship'. However, if you tell people that it is a purely platonic relationship, that is also scorned! This society is crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Norellia Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 I also agree, whenever I talk to my mother or brother about asexuality they always seem like they pity me. At one point my brother said I didn't know what I would be missing out on by not being in a relationship. Thing is im fine with being in a relationship just the chances of me finding someone who can match my asexuality is hard to do and I do not want my self worth to be tied to that. My mother after divorcing my father a long time ago still struggles to find people to date and will most likely end up single, and it saddens me to know that she is viewed as a "failure" cause she can't get another husband. However, I consider my father more of a failure in relationships because he has already had three divorces and just gets married soon after another divorce, because he is afraid to be alone. Also the abstinence only approach in school is bullshit. But it may not be your teachers fault. Some states/districts are legally only allowed to teach abstinence, despite the research showing how ineffective that teaching method is to reduce unwanted pregnancies and STI's. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 It's weird because I'm a relatively attractive, friendly female of 30 years who has been single for 7 years now. I've never had one person ask me why I don't have a partner, no one has suggested it's wrong for me to be single, nothing. It's like people couldn't care less if one is single or not here? Maybe it's a cultural thing! Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 . Link to post Share on other sites
dentedcanoe Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 I see a lot of ladies ditching their girlfriends for B-grade dick and then wondering why, at the age of 35, they have no one to hang out with when their husband is busy. HMMMMM. Friendships require nurturing and work just as much as romantic relationships, yet so few people bother. To be fair before I realized I was gay and asexual I absolutely fell victim to society's pressure to pair up. I felt like I couldn't do anything else right, like get an education and have a career, but I could sure land a man. Now I listen to myself more and my friends are the center of my world. Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 Most "friendships" today are what I would consider acquaintances, because so few people put any real effort into them. Friends are now disposable, temporary and romance is the be all and end all and the True Meaning Of Life. It's so sad, because if balanced out better people could get so much more out of life. This idea that one person can fulfil all your needs is ridiculous. We are a tribal species at heart, and it's networks - parents, friends, partners, families, acquaintances - that bring out the best of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Luni Posted November 14, 2018 Author Share Posted November 14, 2018 2 hours ago, Norellia said: Also the abstinence only approach in school is bullshit. But it may not be your teachers fault. Some states/districts are legally only allowed to teach abstinence, despite the research showing how ineffective that teaching method is to reduce unwanted pregnancies and STI's. It’s so unrealistic, and I hate the stigma it places on people who decide to have sex before marriage. It also perpetuates the ridiculous idea of virginity. Also, in my state, schools aren’t legally required to teach sexual education, but if they do, they have to stress abstinence. My teacher is pretty conservative, though, so he definitely believes what he teaches. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 15 hours ago, Luni said: For example, in my health class during sex-ed(awkward, I know), our male teacher was reinforcing the idea that abstinence is the best choice by saying that a guy would rather date and have sex with a virgin girl than someone who had slept with multiple people. [How to move a quote box so that I can write something over it????] Just by the way: [<-- these are the words I wanted to put above] I don't think it's true anymore. I have no practical experience with sex, but I have read quite a bit about it and it rather seems to me that in our hypersexual culture men prefer experienced women (= even more pressure to have sex and declare oh how much one loves sex. And yet I'm sure that there are still a lot of women who simply don't particularly like it). They don't want to bother with women who have never had sex, with all the pain stuff and the requirement to go slow and gently. I have never had real sex ed (in Poland conservative parties still push the idea that sex ed is "sexualisation of children". And I want sex ed which would be so agency-positive to openly say that being able to say "NO" is the greatest sexual freedom. I absolutely don't want blind sex positivity which denies the existence of people who don't like sex), but it doesn't mean I have never had any contact with sexual topics being brought up at school. And even abstinence-only sex ed doesn't seem to be particularly ace-friendly. It assumes that abstinence is hard, that it equals resisting temptations. And it never admits the thought that someone may want to be "abstinent" (or rather celibate) for life. At least I openly admitted it during my high school years and was able, for example, to force a priest to say that some people may have a vocation to being single. That's already OK. In fact I'd prefer a queerplatonic relationship with one particular woman, but I'm proud that I'd rather stay lonely all my life than force myself to have sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 . Link to post Share on other sites
General Posted November 15, 2018 Share Posted November 15, 2018 On Tuesday, November 13, 2018 at 3:24 PM, AmorphousBlob said: Mm yea I agree. Tbh I don't really see it as a really big deal til peeps start valuing relationships over friendships. THAT I got a major bone to pick with. I will be perfectly happy living with eternal roommates, thank-you-very-much. Seriously tho, people seem to feel genuinely bad for me when I say I've never kissed or dated anyone. It's annoying. Some people have given me shocked, confused looks and gasps of pity when they find out I'm a virgin and haven't dated or even kissed anyone. They always respond with, "BUT WHY?!!!" as if that's the worst thing they've ever heard. Sexual people can't understand how it's possible to live this way. I'm not aromantic by any means, I would like a romantic partner. I just don't know any aces at all and I feel I can only be with my own kind. Link to post Share on other sites
Strifed Posted November 15, 2018 Share Posted November 15, 2018 2 minutes ago, AceOfHearts_85 said: Some people have given me shocked, confused looks and gasps of pity when they find out I'm a virgin and haven't dated or even kissed anyone. They always respond with, "BUT WHY?!!!" as if that's the worst thing they've ever heard. Sexual people can't understand how it's possible to live this way. I'm not aromantic by any means, I would like a romantic partner. I just don't know any aces at all and I feel I can only be with my own kind. I mentioned this story on another thread, but that reminds me of the doctor I had when I was in high school who just could not believe I didn't have a boyfriend. "How is your boyfriend? Are you having safe sex?" "I don't have a boyfriend." "WHAATTTTTT???" -eyes get as round as saucers" "What do you mean you don't have one!? You've got to be lying." -laughs because I think he's just joking- "I don't have a boyfriend. Honestly." -doctor is actually very serious- "No way. You have to have one. It's impossible for you not to." -back and forth goes on for legit 5 minutes- "Well... anyway have safe sex and use condoms!" Me after he leaves room: My doctor this year is better, but she kept insisting for me to have safe sex. I didn't bother telling her I was asexual, it's not something I tell people and I'm not sure if I'll see her again next year, but I made a weird face at her on accident probably because I was thinking "I am never having sex so thanks for your advice, but I don't need it", because she side eyed me when she was done explaining lol. Link to post Share on other sites
General Posted November 15, 2018 Share Posted November 15, 2018 34 minutes ago, Strifed said: I mentioned this story on another thread, but that reminds me of the doctor I had when I was in high school who just could not believe I didn't have a boyfriend. "How is your boyfriend? Are you having safe sex?" "I don't have a boyfriend." "WHAATTTTTT???" -eyes get as round as saucers" "What do you mean you don't have one!? You've got to be lying." -laughs because I think he's just joking- "I don't have a boyfriend. Honestly." -doctor is actually very serious- "No way. You have to have one. It's impossible for you not to." -back and forth goes on for legit 5 minutes- "Well... anyway have safe sex and use condoms!" Me after he leaves room: My doctor this year is better, but she kept insisting for me to have safe sex. I didn't bother telling her I was asexual, it's not something I tell people and I'm not sure if I'll see her again next year, but I made a weird face at her on accident probably because I was thinking "I am never having sex so thanks for your advice, but I don't need it", because she side eyed me when she was done explaining lol. What a freakishly inappropriate doctor, omg. I'm sorry you went through that. smh I went to an endocrinologist last year and she was pretty freakin awful. She went through a litany of questions that just made me cringe. "Are you pregnant?" Me: No. "Are you trying to get pregnant?" Me: No. "Have you had any children?" Me: No. "Have you ever conceived?" Me: No. "I'm going to have to check your fertility." Me: Is that necessary? I don't really care. .....long pause, confused look, doctor is speechless..... "So, you're 32 and don't want to ever have children?" Me: No. "Do you have gender dysphoria???" Me: No. (Actually yes, I'm a non-trans nonbinary person, but I'm positive I'm not safe with this doctor. She's incredibly ignorant.) She just went from asking me loads of cisgender hetero questions to essentially asking me if I'm trans.....because I haven't pooped out a baby and have no intention to. WHAT?!!! I mean, I could've been a butch lesbian for all she knows. I never went back to that doctor again. Even her staff members were ignorant as hell. SMH Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted November 15, 2018 Share Posted November 15, 2018 6 hours ago, Strifed said: "How is your boyfriend? Are you having safe sex?" "I don't have a boyfriend." "WHAATTTTTT???" -eyes get as round as saucers" "What do you mean you don't have one!? You've got to be lying." -laughs because I think he's just joking- "I don't have a boyfriend. Honestly." -doctor is actually very serious- "No way. You have to have one. It's impossible for you not to." -back and forth goes on for legit 5 minutes- "Well... anyway have safe sex and use condoms!" This reminds me of a conversation through the intercom I have had recently. Somewhere around 9 or 10 pm, suddenly the intercom in my apartment rings. I'm surprised, even a little scared with someone ringing at this hour. It turns out that somebody has left their car in a place which blocked some other cars. The conversation went something like that: Quote - Sorry to call at this time, but it seems that you have left your car in a wrong place... - It's impossible because I don't have a car. - Is it apartment 86? Are you that blonde? - Yes, it is apartment 86, but I'm not a blonde. You must have confused me with someone else. Try calling apartment 87. - OK, but where do you park your car? - I don't have a car. At all. So I don't park it anywhere. See? Here we see a person who was completely unable to imagine that not everyone has and uses a car... (I'm proud to not have sex in a society where it's considered inevitable and I'm proud to not participate in terrorising pedestrians and blocking the city.) Link to post Share on other sites
Fluffy Femme Guy Posted November 15, 2018 Share Posted November 15, 2018 On 11/13/2018 at 6:04 PM, Strifed said: Some people are totally happy with just having friends or being alone, and that's OK! Agreed. I tried dating a bit and romance is soooo not for me. I'm kind of a loner but I have a couple of close friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted November 15, 2018 Share Posted November 15, 2018 On 11/13/2018 at 8:01 PM, FictoCannibal. said: It's weird because I'm a relatively attractive, friendly female of 30 years who has been single for 7 years now. I've never had one person ask me why I don't have a partner, no one has suggested it's wrong for me to be single, nothing. It's like people couldn't care less if one is single or not here? Maybe it's a cultural thing! Yeah, honestly no one's ever really bothered me about it at all. My current relationship status is... god knows what, lol... but when I was very definitely single, no one ever bugged me. I remember about a decade ago now, getting in touch with my childhood best friend after losing contact for about five years, and she asked me if there were any special guys or girls in my life, haha. That's literally all I can think of, and that's not even pressure in any way, it's just friends catching up on each other's lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted November 15, 2018 Share Posted November 15, 2018 . Link to post Share on other sites
General Posted November 15, 2018 Share Posted November 15, 2018 3 hours ago, Jade Cross said: You'd be surprised how common that attitude is with doctors or med in general I used to work at a clinic where every time tests had to be ran to make sure we hadnt caught anything, thanks to patients who felt it was their mission to spread their germs by coughing in your face, the nurse and secretary would joke and at the same time pry for information about how many people I had slept with, particularly when I would try to get away when the topic of sex came up Oh believe me, I know. I've been to the doctor more times than I care to count and have been treated quite poorly. But I've never had anyone insist that I had a partner, nor have I been repeatedly told to have safe sex like the person who's comment I responded to. These "medical professionals" are completely out of line. I'm sorry that all of us have had these terribly inappropriate experiences. Some of these people are downright revolting. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 15, 2018 Share Posted November 15, 2018 For everyone claiming health care professions aren't acting professionally when trying to establish if you're having sex or not There is a reason why doctors and other health care professionals will insist, even seemingly bug you and invade your privacy, trying to find out if you're having sex or not. A doctor who doesn't isn't actually doing their job properly. It's extremely important that doctors establish whether you're having sex or not, and sometimes I think especially with guys they wonder if they're lying because they may have been visiting prostitutes which they're more likely to lie about. I understand a doctor insisting on establishing whether or not you're having sex (and worrying you're lying about not having it) because seriously, they NEED to know. Not many people are aware, but there are STIs you can catch even with a condom. Also with females, teen girls especially may be likely to lie about having sex out of embarrassment, and with adult women if they've been having casual sex they may lie. But there are supplements and medications and things that a doctor can't recommend if there's even the mildest chance you may possibly be pregnant, and even if they're not trying to get you on any meds they're still going to worried you're having sex and lying about it because seriously, most people just don't understand how serious some STIs are, the permanent damage they can do, how easy it can be to catch them, how easy it is to spread them, and how few (if any at all) symptoms they can have. Did you know one of the STIs you can catch WHILE USING A CONDOM cannot be treated, ever? It lasts your entire life, can be very, very painful, can come with life threatening complications, and can sometimes be symptom free so peopIe can spread it without even knowing it? It can be incredibly painful, it's very, very easy to spread, it can cause pregnancy complications and even cause babies to go blind if the mother has a vaginal birth if she's got this STI. AND ONE IN SIX PEOPLE HAVE THIS UNTREATABLE, PERMENANT STI THAT YOU CAN CATCH EVEN IF YOU'RE USING A CONDOM. It's herpes and very few people actually know how high the danger is of catching it and the ways it can affect your life permanently. So yes of course a doctor is going to try to drill the truth out of you about whether or not you're having sex. They'll try different tactics ( @Strifed's doctor clearly didn't want to imply he/she was wondering if Strifed was having casual sex so was trying to make it about boyfriends, 'how can you not have a boyfriend??' etc etc) and yeah I'm sorry @Jade Cross but as a long term single guy a doctor has to assume you MAY have visited prostitutes even if you insist you have not. They're trying to save people (and unborn babies) here. I mean hell, one of the STIs you can catch while using a condom has even been linked to frikken cancer so yeah, they have to insist. They have to drill you. They have to make sure you're not just too embarrassed to admit you're visiting hookers, or too shy because you're a teen girl and they can be incredibly reluctant to reveal if they're having sex or not. But yeah, those are the main reasons why doctors can be arseholes when it comes to establishing whether or not you're having sex, and they're not doing their job properly if they don't do that 😕 Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted November 15, 2018 Share Posted November 15, 2018 . Link to post Share on other sites
R_1 Posted November 15, 2018 Share Posted November 15, 2018 At what point does these questions are invasive? I get that the benefit outweigh the negatives to the point where pestering is justified, and not just for the patient, but for others that may be affected by the patient. I mean, I would say no to sex-related questions because that is the truth, but if that person keeps asking, then at that point I would very bothered if that doctor does not believe me, and I can certainly see that happen. I'm also very uncomfortable with doctors that deals with sex because of that one last experience I had which is not very comfortable to think about at all. That doesn't help at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted November 15, 2018 Share Posted November 15, 2018 I've known several people die from cancer despite visiting the doctor more than three times so yeah, it's nothing to do with how much they supposedly care. If they care so much about STIs why not every other bloody disease you try to convince them you have? It is literally just because they can't understand adults or older teenagers not having sex. Link to post Share on other sites
General Posted November 15, 2018 Share Posted November 15, 2018 @FictoCannibal. At what point is a doctor considered to be out of order? I'm only speaking from my personal experience. If I tell a doctor I've never been sexually active at 33, they should believe me. Who on earth is going to openly confess that at my age? Most people are bragging about how many encounters they've had. I don't have a reason to lie about my history. I'm an adult, not a youngster afraid of what their parents will say. I'm single, not a person in a relationship afraid of my partner finding out I'm cheating. I'm also not using any form of birth control by choice, so I'm not someone terrified of getting pregnant regularly. The doctors are aware of this and still choose to give me a difficult time. Do you know why? It's because they're ignorant and don't believe asexuals actually exist. They also aren't receiving any training in regards to asexuality either, even if they have had MINIMAL training on LGBT issues. The fact still remains that we are invisible in the healthcare system, and it's a damn shame. Link to post Share on other sites
dentedcanoe Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 On 11/15/2018 at 1:01 PM, FictoCannibal. said: For everyone claiming health care professions aren't acting professionally when trying to establish if you're having sex or not There is a reason why doctors and other health care professionals will insist, even seemingly bug you and invade your privacy, trying to find out if you're having sex or not. A doctor who doesn't isn't actually doing their job properly. It's extremely important that doctors establish whether you're having sex or not, and sometimes I think especially with guys they wonder if they're lying because they may have been visiting prostitutes which they're more likely to lie about. I understand a doctor insisting on establishing whether or not you're having sex (and worrying you're lying about not having it) because seriously, they NEED to know. Not many people are aware, but there are STIs you can catch even with a condom. Also with females, teen girls especially may be likely to lie about having sex out of embarrassment, and with adult women if they've been having casual sex they may lie. ok but do they realize the best way to get someone to speak candidly is to establish rapport, not to go in cold with dozens of overly personal questions? Please tell me the police are not more intelligent than medical professionals... Link to post Share on other sites
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