AspieAlly613 Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 I'm a demiromantic heterosexual. I also intentionally repress my sexual feelings so that they don't drown out potential romantic feelings. It's probably happened numerous times that someone has tried to "test the waters" to see if I felt romantic attraction to her. I never actually notice this, in part because this "temperature check" is designed to be subtle. Because of the vast difference in time scale of how long it takes me to develop romantic attraction and how long most people would think it would take for me to develop romantic attraction, this means that my indication of "sure, we could be friends, but that's it for now," gets misinterpreted as "sure, we could be friends, but never anything more." How do I solve the problem of these misunderstandings without being obnoxiously vocal about being demiromantic? (In the past, the topic of whether or not to pursue a romance based on first social contact has led to arguments with other people, and I would consider any statements of the form "I'm such a unique special snowflake that there's a word to distinguish me from the general population" without a reason for bringing it up to be obnoxious.) In fairness to women who have any romantic interest in me, I should make sure that they know that they have to burn the proverbial book on approaching romance, unless that book has a chapter on romance with a demiromantic or with a sex-favorable ace, which have similar guidelines for the do's and don't's, at least for me. The standard first date-second date-third date progression is meaningless for me because I would need a closer emotional connection than most people have after three dates before I would consider any social contact to be a date rather than hanging out. The first base-second base-third base model is inaccurate to describe how close I feel to someone because I would need to feel very strong attraction before even being willing to kiss someone. Trying to use the baseball analogy would be like trying to use an oral thermometer to see if your refrigerator was cold enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 I take roughly 6 months - a year to develop romantic feelings properly. So, I always go friends first route rather than traditional dating. But, if dating you could say you take things slow to avoid the using a label thing ? Link to post Share on other sites
AspieAlly613 Posted November 13, 2018 Author Share Posted November 13, 2018 1 hour ago, Serran said: I take roughly 6 months - a year to develop romantic feelings properly. So, I always go friends first route rather than traditional dating. But, if dating you could say you take things slow to avoid the using a label thing ? I don't think you understood my question, so I'll try rephrasing. I'm not concerned about miscommunication once we're dating. Before extending or accepting a romantic advance, I would make sure we were in agreement on how our friendship would and wouldn't change. The concern is when a friend or acquaintance tries to determine whether or not her romantic feelings are reciprocated without explicitly asking or declaring romantic intent. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 If you think a friend or acquaintance might have a crush on you and you don't currently reciprocate those feelings, I think it is best for you to say nothing and continue the friendship as if you hadn't noticed. She might get the idea that you're not interested, but that isn't actually a misunderstanding because you're not interested. If she declares her feelings for you or asks you on a date, you can either turn her down and accept that she will move on or you can have the demiromantic talk and see if she is willing to wait around for awhile. As long as no one actually says anything they can't take back you have some time to continue the friendship and see if your feelings change, then ask her out if they do. In the meantime of course she might get over you or find someone else, but that's an unavoidable risk. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 If a friend tries to figure out if you feel romantically and you dont then just say you dont, sorry. Or ignore it if its subtle and you arent sure if shes truly asking. Link to post Share on other sites
Pandark Posted November 15, 2018 Share Posted November 15, 2018 On 11/13/2018 at 2:31 PM, nanogretchen4 said: In the meantime of course she might get over you or find someone else, but that's an unavoidable risk. This. People tend to not like being left hanging when experiencing intense feelings and are going to fight those feelings. I guess this is the tricky part about being demi-romantic. You could take the risk, but you may have a better chance at connecting if you either speed up your own "romantic evaluation" of a potential partner or give them more or less subtle messages about your steadiness and their chances. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.